CGPS - 💦 Cleanse

Relationship Cleanse

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Overview:

You can become addicted to talking about your issues, even though the more you talk, the harder it seems to solve the issues you're talking about. You need to detox before you can get to any real solutions.

Action Summary

Start your "Relationship Cleanse" (7 consecutive days not talking about issues or sensitive topics). Note: See instructions on "launching" your cleanse below.
For the stout of heart this cleanse will include some strategic texting (full story below).
Stay with it. If you both feel you basically made it through day 1, start on day 2. If not, start over on day 1.
During your cleanse, increase you chit chat time. Suggestions below.

What

For 3 to 7 consecutive days (you decide how many days), do not talk about your relationship or any sensitive subjects. If you slip, start your days again.

Why

The Relationship Cleanse is to cleanse your relationship from a toxic build-up of relationship and issues conversations- the stale, day to day diet of misunderstanding and disappointment, disagreements, who's right, who's wrong, who's fault it is, and moreover, why your partner isn’t cooperating with your plan for his or her life etc.

To some degree you're addicted to trying to change your spouse, being disappointed with him or her, pouting when things don’t go your way, defending yourself when your spouse is disappointed with you etc.

All this kind of fight or flight is primal wiring. You are wired to survive, and love is the answer- it's how you survive, and in your fear of not being loved, you disconnect from your awareness of your partner’s love and drift slowly into seeing him, not as a person, but as the reason for your anxiety and unhappiness.

What am I saying? You have become addicted to getting him or her to come through for you in a way that will make you feel appreciated, loved, and safe.

Of course, that's why you committed to your spouse in the first place- because you imagined he or she would take away your insecurities. But the more he or she lets you down, the more you complain, control or disconnect etc. to guarantee your success in getting him or her to come through for you. 😮

So now you're just used to talking about what's going wrong, your frustration, your disappointment etc. This is toxic and talking about your relationship (in this sense) results in not having one.

The more you talk about your insistence on things going your way, the further apart you will feel from each other and the less inclined you will each be to actually provide what you each need, finally- leading to the collapse of your relationship.

The Relationship Cleanse serves as a reset button for your brain- freeing you from fight, flight, complaints and control and encouraging you to interact with each other as people and friends! Not talking about your relationship can be challenging. You will be tempted to end this cleanse many times each day.

If you drift into a conversation about your relationship or a sensitive issue say, “I’m really committed to our cleanse and I don’t want to start over, so I’m going to take a little walk and get some time out.” If your spouse follows you, either walk faster or even run faster.

Make sure you have a pre-agreement on these timeouts i.e. to come back within 30 to 60 minutes. At that point you could give your spouse a hug, maybe pray together, watch something funny on T.V.- whatever you can do to get back into the swing of the cleanse. Repeating this process over and over could become necessary.

How (The Rules)

1) For 3 to 7 days, completely avoid conversations or comments about…

⚡ Expectations and/or disappointments.

⚡ Where you’d like to see your relationship in 5 years.

⚡ What went wrong between you &/or who’s fault it is.

⚡ What your spouse doesn’t understand.

⚡ What you need from your spouse.

⚡ Anything that could even imply disappointment regarding your spouse's performance or character.

Note: You can talk about your own feelings, so long as it’s not about your relationship and doesn’t implicate your spouse in any way i.e. “I just feel like my life is out of balance lately.” Read what to talk about below (See the purple hearts).

2) During your cleanse, list all issues and sensitive requests (i.e. "please come home earlier from work" etc.) on a Request List. If you have an issue that’s time sensitive, meet with your coach.

3) As much as you practically can, text all operational requests i.e. “Could you pick up the dry cleaning on the way home from work?”, or “Would you turn up the heat?,” “Could you bring the trash cans back in?” etc. Do not make any verbal operational requests (not to mention, personal ones).

If texting is just too hard, consider prefacing verbal, operational requests with either…

a) “Can I make a request?” or

b) “Incoming...” (then wait for “cleared” from your spouse) or...

c) “Sweetheart, would you be so kind as to _______" (i.e. “take the garbage out” ) etc. or some other super sweet, kind way of making your request.

Why is this rule #3 of the cleanse so important?

The Relationship Cleanse is a training in expanding the space between stimulus and response (particularly the space between your upset feelings and your complaint).

Initially, your relationship cleanse returns you to your view of your spouse as cherished and beloved, vs. someone who's disappointed you. Going forward from the cleanse, your mind will be conditioned away from reactivity and negativity and toward solutions (a training that is vital to the other pieces on the CGPS jump start, Request-List Protocol and Nightly Check-In).

Rule #3 of the cleanse- texting, may seem extreme but it’s sort of a Karate Kid, “Wax On, Wax Off” for slowing down negativity and reactivity and increasing peaceful conversation.

Learning to pause for a moment, before making even an operational request will train you to consider your spouse. What’s he or she in the middle of? Would it work better to ask this later? Might it be better to ask someone else or even did it yourself?

Training yourself to pause, even with something incidental, will increase the likelihood of pausing when it’s something significant or sensitive. And that's what this is all about.

4) For 3 to 7 Consecutive Days, talk about:

💜 The weather.

💜 History.

💜 Favorite childhood memories.

💜 Common interests.

💜 T.V shows or movies.

💜 Friends, kids hobbies or school.

💜 Health tips you've read about.

💜 The Brendon Show, Tony Robbins or “The Chosen” (or anything inspiring you could listen to or watch together)

&/or "Chit-Chat" Questions i.e.

💜 What was the best part of the day? or

💜 What went well for you today (what worked for you) - how and/or why? or

💜 What didn’t go well for you today or what do you wish you would have done differently?

5) At the end of each day, if you mutually decide you made it (that you both avoided taking about your issues or making any comments that implied poor performance or flawed character), start the next day (i.e. "Day 2). If you mutually decide you didn’t quite make it, start at day 1 the next day.

If either of you concludes you didn’t make it, be encouraging i.e. "We came so close. I know we can do this! We'll start again tomorrow!" Also, note that you can always give yourself a mulligan i.e. "I think we did good enough. Let's count today!"

6) Return to a cleanse from time to time. The cleanse is a wonderful alternative to the stale, day to day diet of talking about your issues and is something you should return to as needed, and at least on all date nights.

Note that part of your goal with this is more conversation- not less. Forcing yourself away from issues and toward chit-chat will foster your willingness to enjoy each other vs. continually trying to change each other.

Relationship Cleanse - Launch / Agreement

1) Decide on the number of days for you cleanse. 3 days minimum. If you would like to become Yoda, go for 7.

2) Copy &/or print “Launch / Agreement."

3) Sit close to each other, face to face, and take turns making & signing your agreement, first addressing your spouse by name i.e. (Spouse's name _______ ) "I promise… etc."

____________, I promise that I will not talk about our relationship- including expectations, disappointments, hurt, frustrations or any sensitive subjects for ___ consecutive days. If I fall off the wagon, I promise to get immediately back on. I look forward to getting to know you better during this time.

___________________________

Spouse’s Promise (Signature)

___________________________

Spouse’s Promise (Signature)

4) Post your agreement on your refrigerator. 🧾

5) After your launch, take 10 to 20 minutes to share your thoughts and feelings. Click here to got to "Write & Share" instructions. Your topic is Section 1, Topic 3.

Note that this chapter (this step) doesn't make complete sense without the next two (Request List and Nightly Check-In), but please pursue each step at the speed you feel best about.

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