How to use the cards 

1) Person requesting conversation enrolls spouse i.e.. "I’ve got something I wanted to talk about. Is this good time, or if not, when would a good time be?"  (Asking this fosters a feeling of safety).

2) When person talking fully feels heard, he or she trade cards with partner.

3) Listener does not focus on his or her point of view until companion offers to exchange cards (or phones), which should happen anytime between 2 and 10 minutes into talking.

4) Exchanging cards (or phones) can occur as many times as needed, as long as the conversation is positive and isn’t wearing either of you down.

5) Listener, if you think you fully understand, lay your card down, but keep listening until your partner exchanges cards. Until then, physically hold your card. Cherish it. Caress it, like it’s the elixir of love and happiness you’ve been searching for, for a thousand years.

6) If your partner isn’t requesting clarification, but you’d like to offer some, lay your card or phone down sideways so he or she knows. 

7) Note that this conversation may or may not be the best time to move to a solution or agreement. Be inspired. 

8) Before starting, promise each other that you will postpone the conversation if it isn't peaceful.

Card colors:  The significance of blue & green cards. The green card (person listening) signifies your partners intent and request to enter your country (or world). The blue card (person talking) represents peace and the speaker's best efforts to trust rather than "lead with his or her story " (an expression made popular in the book "Crucial Conversations"). All rights reserved. Please do not copy without permission. Path of Peace. 2024 www.pathofpeace.org - Inspired by Dr. Harville Hendrix, Dr. John Lund & Emil Harker. 

Talk - Objective: Assist spouse in getting to know you & what's going on inside you. 

Tips (to use as inspired)

1. Ideally, keep this to one issue.

2. Speak in bite sized pieces so your spouse can “give back” or validate one piece at a time i.e. “Let me give that back to you… What I hear you saying is ____,”

3. As inspired, seek clarification before getting too far with your content -“This what it feels like to me. Tell me about it from your point of view.”  [Exchange cards until clarification is given. Remain open to the possibility that you've misunderstood something.]

4. Speak tentatively vs. judgmentally or conclusively i.e.. "When you ______ it seemed like _____” &/or "This may not be true, but this is what I was experiencing inside my head.” etc.

5. Show empathy i.e., “I understand this has been a hard situation”, or “I realize that from your side of things, you’ve probably been feeling _____ etc.”

6. Show appreciation - Give praise for great efforts, good intent, or anything related to this.

7. Share responsibility i.e., “I think I’ve contributed to this by ____.”

8. Focus on your feelings vs. your spouses poor performance or character weakness. Be vulnerable.

9. Consider your spouses efforts to hear you as good enough! (He or she gets an "A")

Possible Sentence Starters

1) When you (or "When")______, where I or go with it (or went with it) is that I feel (or felt) _____.  If you don't know what you feel, pick 1 to 3 options from the options below:
• abandoned • cornered • I can’t win • I don’t feel safe • useless • controlled • incapable • helpless • insecure • overwhelmed • forgotten • discouraged • powerless • despair • lost  • afraid • not trusted • I’m not good enough • anxious • grief or grieved  • anguish • panicked • rejected • desperate • like I’m nothing - or _______. 

2) Sometimes it seems (or seemed) like ______ (i.e. "you were mad at me" or "don't value my opinion or feelings" or "forget about me" or "that you're not pleased with me or proud of me" or "When you ______ it seemed like _____." and/or "This may not be true, but this is what I was experiencing in my head.” etc.

3) As inspired, you could seek clarification (or just wait until you exchange cards) i.e. "Could you tell me a little about what's going on with you about this (i.e. "when you ______") etc.  (See the paragraph above for clarification sentence starters.) Note that asking for clarification will mean that you become the listener for a moment or so, then return to speaker {talk card}).  

Note: Sharing feelings and feeling understood may be enough in this conversation. Enjoy a little peace for a couple of days and come back to creating a solution (or agreement) later. But if it does feel like a good time, state your vision &/or make a specific request i.e..,

4) What I'd love to see happen from now on is _____" &/or Would you be willing to _____?" (specific, affirmative, reasonable, request).

Note: If your request triggers other issues, or either of you loses your sense of peace, come back to the conversation later, and/or consider a Love Seat.

Listen - Objective: To fully hear & understand spouse- to fully enter his or her world.

Listening Tips

• Stay with the conversation vs. retreating to a victim or helpless story. i.e. “O.K. You’re right. I’m an idiot. I always will be. Why do I even try?"

• Don’t make your partner wrong. Validate his or her experience or feelings, whether you agree or not. (You’ll have a turn to clarify and/or share your perspective, but when listening and validating, listen and validate).

• If you're asked for clarification  1) keep it brief & 2) explain a piece of the picture he or she may not be aware of & that might actually make him or her feel better vs. just defending yourself. 

• · If you’re wanting to offer clarification, lay card or phone down sideways so he or she knows. Note: Clarification is to reveal something that may make your partner feel better (vs. you i.e., defending yourself or countering your partner’s point of view). i.e. "I know it didn't seem like ____, but what I was actually feeling was ______, or what was actually going on was _____" or "Something you should know about this is that_____." 

Possible phrases when listening:

💚 Mm-hmm (or, just listen)

💚 What I hear you saying is ____ or So you're saying ____.  Is that it? or Have I got it?

💚 That makes sense. I think I get it.

💚 Tell me more about ______ 

💚 Help me understand more about (or tell me more about) _______" (i.e. "when you said you felt rejected.'")

💚 I can see how you'd feel _____ or I can imagine you might be feeling ______

💚 Is there more? (meaning, more about the issue we're now talking about. If you're the one talking, please avoid getting into an additional issue).