If you want to give birth to a great relationship, the same is true. Talk as you are moved upon by the Holy Ghost vs. your upset. Talk when you are moved upon by your commitment, your love, your vision vs. your urge. 

What does this mean? Classify your conversations. Simple requests can be made during Nightly Check-In. This would be part of the 10%, as would talking about how your doing in your marriage during Weekly Inventory.

But If you have sensitive issues and feelings that come up from time to time, don’t just launch. Don’t push. Take God’s hand, and get in sync with the Holy Ghost by waiting for special, set apart times to talk. And, if inspired, use Talk Cards or Love Seat.

What do you do with the 90%? Walks, Write & Share, dance lessons, pickle ball, funny movies, holding, hanging out with friends, visiting puppy stores. But remember, during the 90%, because of a sensitive issue or some raw feelings, you will feel like pushing at times. Don’t!  Wait until Nightly Check-In, or Weekly Inventory or, if inspired, during any time that seems a natural opening for it, like a Saturday walk or long drive to see relatives (as long as you don't have kids with you). 

If there is not natural opening on the horizon, ask for an appointment i.e. "Honey, there's some things I'd like to talk about. It might take about 30 minutes. What would be a good time?" But once the appointment is made, don't talk! - even if your spouse says, "Well what's it about?!  What's the problem?" etc. Just say, "I really want to have a dedicated time for this. We'll talk _____ (whenever the appointment is). This insures staying with the 90/10.

Having dedicated times for these conversations keeps you from jumping the gun (pushing into too much about your relationship) vs. just loving and enjoying each other.

If you’re spouse is struggling with the 90/10, you may need to put off some conversations (not always, but often). But be respectful and cherishing about it: “I really want to talk about what you’re feeling. Would be O.K. if we talked at 9 tonight? We could start with a prayer and then maybe even a quick breakthrough or "Face to face" (Getting to Know You Question) and then talk etc.”

If you are struggling with 90/10, get a journal just for this. Call it, “My time with God.” Share with HIM what you’re feeling, i.e. “Dear God, I feel like I’m going crazy. etc.

Process vs. Resolution
Wax on / Wax off 

In working through marriage issues, it's super easy to rush toward a solution so that you can feel close and cozy again (and not freaked out by the emotional distance).😨 

The truth is, you need to be willing for some things to remain unresolved for a while. Why is this? Consider any serious discipline, martial arts, medicine, meditation. All of these focus on fully grasping the basics before marching on to victory i.e. wax on / wax off. 

You and your spouse may never agree on some issues, but one thing you can agree on is your commitment to peace- or in other words- to fully sustain the kind of emotional environment that lends itself to either creating a win/win agreement or at least creating peace around not having an agreement. 

But there's something even more important than mastering issues management: It's the peace fostered in continuing in your best efforts. This effort on your part, generates an underlying security- a message to your spouse of "Know that I will never leave you- ever."  

So your study and practice is a double win. You win because wax on / wax off, in itself, fosters peace in your marriage. And you also win because through the peace you've fostered security in your spouse- which trust is the very essence of what makes win/win agreements possible.  

Managing Incoming - Highlights
Instead of reacting to your spouse’s open fire…

The above information on the 90/10 ratio is a general view.  If you're spouse continues to struggles in talking too much about your relationship, consider the options below. 

1) Be familiar with and choose Option 1 (Clear the Landing) and/or

2) Be familiar with, practice using responses from Option 2 (Delay the Landing) i.e.  “I’m uncomfortable with what I’m feeling. Could we come back to this in a while? or “Here, let's open our phones to the 'Talk cards" or "Could we do a "Love Seat" this Sunday?" or with a pre- agreement, just walk out and get some air.  Click here to read and understand all options.