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The Paradox
Incoming” or “open-fire” refers to input (especially unexpected input) from your spouse regarding your poor performance or character weakness. This can cause “flooding” (an expression coined by Dr. John Gottman) meaning: “I’m getting overwhelmed and defensive. I’m going down. May day. May day. Please, no more for now.”
This can present a paradox.
On one hand, it’s so important that your partner feels free to speak his or her mind and heart when his feelings are most present- otherwise he or she will bury these feelings and drift away from you.
On the other hand, “open fire”, especially when it comes without warning, can be destructive, and unless the receiver is completely willing and ready, can move you further- not closer, to the solutions you are seeking.
This paradox is solved with patience, consideration, discernment, and commitment.
Managing “incoming”, with the above in mind, leaves you with several choices (discussed below), featuring 2 overarching themes:
1) Even if an airplane is on fire, if you are at all willing and able, clear the landing. But…
2) Even a feather landing on a pile of stress or lack of emotional space, it can cause a meltdown.
Only you can decide what you feel is best.
When you are not feeling ready for input, especially if your spouse is leaning more toward criticizing you, rather than sharing his or her’s fears and feelings, you will want some brief, clear statements to navigate your communication toward safety and peace.
Before providing examples of these kinds of statements and options, consider setting yourself up for success by giving your spouse some very good news, below.
🔵 Share Your "Managing Incoming" Good News with Your Spouse
🔵 Share Your "Managing Incoming" Good News with Your Spouse
Earlier, you launched your Managing Outgoing agreement with your spouse, while at the same time, opening up conversations that could improve your relationship in Nightly Check-In.
But what about those moments when your spouse falls off the wagon. It's not your job to keep him or her on the program, but it is your job to train your mind toward proactive and peaceful responses. In this sense, Managing Incoming requires pre-support- support you probably won’t get in the heat of a conflict.
It starts with sharing your "Good News."
Invite your spouse to give you his or her attention for a few minutes. Sit next to him or her, take his hands in yours and read the statements below to him or her, looking into his or her eyes as much as possible:
”___________ (spouses name) I want to give you some very important and very good news. It's in 3 parts:
1) I have never been more committed. No question about it. I'm here for you and when you need to talk I’m going to listen- even when it’s hard, I’m going to do my very best to hear you.
This 3 point promise is core to managing incoming.
Please share this with each other as much as needed. You might even make it a regular part of your Weekly Inventory. In each occassion of sharing this, we hope you’ll sincerely appreciate just how big this news is.
As mentioned, "incoming" is not black or white. Additionally, in the realm of criticism, it comes in different forms and intensity i.e.
• Blatant criticism (pure, open fire) • Implication of poor performance. • Implication of flawed or weak character. • Lecturing or providing “helpful” input when a lecture or input was not requested. • Facial or other non verbal communication implying poor performance or flawed character.
Any of the above, regardless of what level it as at i.e. 1 to 10 (10 being the highest) could be considered "incoming" or “open fire.” To further understand this term, note that fire in a fireplace (communication contained in good protocol) will warm your home and your lives. Fire that is not contained (i.e. on the rug or furniture vs. the fireplace) tends to burn your lives down, even if it as at a "1" (from 1 - 10).
Fire (working through your issues) ideally, is contained within a fireplace (within protocol). As nice of an idea as this is, bear in mind that your business- your commitment is not to keep others from open firing- it is to respond to it in whatever way you feel will create the most good, in the long run.
🔵 2 Rational Responses to "Incoming"
🔵 2 Rational Responses to "Incoming"
Option 1) Listen - Clear the landing
Option 2) Postpone the communication - Delay the landing.
Option 3) Insanity - fight, flight, give up, war. (This is default choice if you don't choose option 1 or 2, above)
What am I saying? Choose.
Before you default to insanity (fight, flight, resign, war etc.), choose what you feel would be best in this moment.
What do you think would be best? What is it you want to create? What's realistic for you? How possible is it that God could take your hand and lead you into Option 1 (listening) vs. 2 (postponing). Only you know. It will be different answers at different times for different people.
Act with discernment. Know your limits.
Here’s the miracle: The more you stay with the Couples GPS program, the more you will be inclined to choose #1 (listening). Be grateful if you succeed in choosing listening 1 out of 5 times in your early stages of progress.
With this in mind, here is another paradox your spouse and you may have to face: On one hand it’s vital that your spouse respect you as your own “control tower” (more on this below). On the other hand, if you’re never clearing landings then she will conclude that the control tower itself is on fire, which itself, could be a deal breaker- which brings us to option 1 - if at all possible, clear the landing.😃
Note that listening usually shouldn’t include problem solving. When someone’s emotions are on fire, your sole objective is to help this person sense your love, experience your empathy and your willingness to fully be there for him or her as she works through fears or upset.
Unless it’s a super self-evident (obvious) solution It’s best to put off problem solving for a “Love Seat” or even a meeting with your coach.
🏁 Option 1) Clear the Landing (Best Choice)
🏁 Option 1) Clear the Landing (Best Choice)
Option 1 is to just listen i.e. “Honey, let me sit down here and I’m going to just listen."
Note: The reason you say something like "Honey, I'm going to sit here and listen..." etc. is to enroll yourself and therefore maintain a sense of personal choice vs. feeling put out by someone else's story. Self enrollment says: "I'm a volunteer, not a victim”- very important distinction.
Choosing to land the plane (to listen), even if the wings are on fire- even if are known terrorist on board, is one of the most healing experiences you can have with your spouse.
Why is this? Because it is when someone is feeling the most hurt that they are most in doubt of your love. Listening, even through the fire, is the proof they are often seeking.
In this process, it's essential to not give any excuses or clarification. That can come later when you do a Love Seat **or when you perhaps bring up your own requests (at another time). Excuses or clarification will leave your spouse feeling unheard, invalidated and invisible.
In game terms, this kind of defensiveness is sudden death. When your loved one is upset, he or she needs love and understanding. Defensiveness, clarification or excuses will make him or her feel wrong, invalid, and invisible.
Important note: You can choose option 1 (listening) even if at first, you became defensive i.e. "Please forgive me. I think I've been taking what you're saying personally. Let's start over. I really want to hear you.”
Now, listen! - with no other purpose other than to understand. Any sort of defense, or sharing your point of view or feelings is not a condition for you listening to his or hers with Option #1. As Kenny Rogers says, "Know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em.”
Emil Harker points out (in “Conflict to Intimacy”) that the moment you defend yourself or suggest an alternate interpretation, you’ve lost your spouse’s heart. It’s not about you right now. It’s about him or her.
All Input (“Incoming”) Can Be Valuable Treasure
According to Emil, to come through for your spouse at times like these, you must reach deep inside every accusation, insult, or character accusation and pull out whatever truth you can find and show her you understand.
Here’s how Bryon Katie puts it: "If you tell me that I’m mean, rejecting, hard, unkind, or unfair, I say, ‘Thank you... I can find all these in my life, I have been everything you say, and more. Together we can help me understand. Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? So look into my eyes and tell me again. I want you to give me everything.’”
The reason this Byron Katie quote is so stellar is because it sets the bar. It's an almost impossible bar (I get that), but the closer you can get to this bar the faster you will get to healing hurt feelings and arriving at solutions and agreements.
So how do you “find all of these" treasures (as Katie puts it)?
Space
Emil compares it to panning for gold. Patiently, kneel into the river of your spouse's river of fire with your pan, moving your soul around, hoping to actually see the darkness your spouse is seeing.
Of course she may be seeing nuggets, even boulders of whatever she's offended by, but whatever you can find, even if they are specs, keep panning, or also as Emil says, keep scanning your soul for what she is seeing. You'll find it. And if you do, your spouse will feel heard and hurt feelings will be mended.
If you're having a hard time finding anything, you could at least say, "I know it seems like I _________. I can totally see how you're experiencing that with me."
Emil also says that if your spouse's open fire seems totally to be coming from left field, so that you can't find any point of entry, you could simply and sincerely ask... "Could you tell me more about what you mean when you say this" which will give you a better direction for where to pan for more gold.
As wonderful as all of this sounds, continue to note that you are the control tower. If in the course of your most valiant attempts, you begin to feel defensive, you may want to default to Option 2 (postpone the landing).
Here's how Emil puts it, "I'm finding myself wanting to be defensive. Could you give me a few minutes to really think about what you've been saying and then I want to come back and listen even more."
Guiding The Plane In
Along the same lines, just because you've cleared a landing doesn't mean you can't offer some guidance. If your spouse inadvertently devolves from talking about the issue to talking about your character flaws it can be helpful to provide gentle guidance i.e., *"Honey, I wonder if you'd be willing to keep this focused just on the issue so we can work this out, instead of talking about me."
Note: Don't expect a new spouse after this kind of guidance i.e. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm really being a butt head. Let me try saying what I'm saying again." In fact, he or she may be surprised at your request or even think you take things too personally. That's O.K., at least you're doing your best to guide this communication into a safe landing.
🏴 Option 2) Postpone the Communication (Delay the Landing)
🏴 Option 2) Postpone the Communication (Delay the Landing)
Control Tower Theory
Remember, you are the control tower. You alone have the responsibility of either clearing or postponing a landing. Pay attention to what you're picking up on your radar (the level of your partner's upset or stories). More importantly, pay attention to what you are feeling.
Can you handle the landing? Are you ready for this conversation? Do you have the emotional space? ...or, would you rather have your spouse bring this up in your Weekly Inventory or make a specific request tonight during Nightly Check-In? ...or, perhaps, with a prayer in your heart, you could just sit down and listen. But, maybe not! Who knows? You! Who decides? You!
These can be awkward moments, especially when your spouse seems so insistent i.e. "We need to talk about this. Why can't you just talk to me!?" etc. But if you feel uncomfortable with an incoming conversation (for whatever reason) or unwilling to talk at the moment, then come through for your spouse! Do not clear the landing!
How is this coming through for your spouse?
When you allow your self to do things you don't really feel good about, all you end up giving your spouse is bitterness & resentment. When, on the other hand, you only give what you feel good about giving (even if you're not in the mood to give it, but you still feel good about giving it), then your heart remains open to him or her and you give your love.
You are the steward of your good feelings toward your spouse. If you feel resentful, you caused that. How? By letting yourself be guilted, or pressured, or manipulated by someone else's panic or insecurity. Fear and insecurity are part of the human landscape. We've all got plenty, but don't sacrifice your good feelings toward your spouse by landing a conversation you don't feel good about landing.
⭐ Brief Statements or Actions for Option 2 - Postponing the Landing.
⭐ Brief Statements or Actions for Option 2 - Postponing the Landing.
Click here for an audio (A.I.) recording of this, along with many other recordings.
If your spouse is triggered and the lava begins to flow or if you're experiencing something your spouse as saying as criticism, if you feel ready and willing to quietly and lovingly listen, you will both be blessed.
But if you don’t have the emotional space you need right now, here are some statements that can assist you in putting off the conversation or his or her comments until you’re ready.
Note: "Criticism" in our materials is defined as any comment which could even vaguely imply poor performance or flawed character, in any way.
Brief statements or actions in delaying the landing:
1. 💦 Vulnerability. “I’m uncomfortable with what I’m feeling" or "with what you just said" or "I'm feeling a little upset right now." Could we come back to this in a while? (for instance, in 30 minutes, or tomorrow or with our coach?)."
2. 🙏 Positive input. For instance, “I'm going to meditate for a few minutes, or "listen to a scripture podcast. I'd love it if you could join me, but either way, I need a few minutes and then we'll see if we can talk about this." After 5 or 10 minutes you can decide, fresh, whether you feel able and willing to listen to your spouse's complaint (or "clear the landing"). The magic of this choice is your spouse not feeling abandoned, while at the same time, instantly creating emotional safety.
3. 🎴- Talk Cards. "I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think I can talk about this without both of our best efforts using Talk Cards."
4. 🕗 Time Out. For example: I'm going to go get some time out" or “I’m sorry, I’m going to get some fries. I’ll be back.” (See pre agreements below.)
5.🚶♂️ Evacuation. Sometimes, if you're at the tipping point, as long as you have some pre agreements, it's best to just quietly get up and walk out. (See pre agreements below.)
Pre-Agreements For Time out or Evacuation
Pre-agree to come back in a reasonable amount of time at which point you could perhaps invite your spouse into a short meditation and/or prayer.
If you do choose to pray with your spouse please keep it general, i.e. "please bless us to progress toward love and consciousness etc." verses "Please help my wife to pull herself together."
Also, pre-agree to do something that will cool you down while you're gone. For instance, pray, meditate, listen to something inspirational i.e. Tony Robbins, the Bible etc. This will assist you in getting out of “fight or flight.”
Finally, agree to not return to the conversation until you both feel ready to talk peacefully, ideally with talk cards.
Note that all of the above is only if you choose not to listen at this point - to not let your spouse bleed out his or her feelings of upset and disappointment or distrust at this point. Only you know what you can handle. You're the control tower for your airport.
6. 🌉 - Boundary Conversation
If you're losing trust in your spouse's commitment to curtail criticism and complaints, consider a boundary conversation.
This is a conversation to explore opportunities for restitution- meaning, a chance for your spouse to restore trust with you. Come up with something that works for both of you and make sure you have this conversation using Talk Cards.
A boundary conversation can make so much sense at times. Why is this?
The first reason is because you're giving your spouse a gift- an opportunity for him or her to find his or her way back to your heart.
The other reason, perhaps more important, is that you're keeping yourself from feeling like a victim.
Here's some examples of possibilities for restitution you and your spouse could explore:
Foot rub (minutes depend on depth of criticism, from your point of view, not his or hers).
Dinner at your favorite restaurant.
Weekend in Park City with 10 to 20 or more criticisms accrued.
Clean & organize the garage.
🐶 Rehearsal - Delay Landing (Option 2)
🐶 Rehearsal - Delay Landing (Option 2)
Consider rehearsing Option 2 (delaying the communication) - using any of the above, or, your own phrases. For example. Start doing the dishes (or even pretending you’re doing them). Have your spouse walk in the room, look at you and say “bad dog, bad dog!” over and over (not yelling, just firmly saying “bad dog” or "bad, selfish, uncaring husband!" (either phrase works). Face it men- no matter what she’s saying sometimes, this is what you’re hearing.
Look at your spouse as she or he is saying “Bad dog” and as gently as you can, interrupt with “I’m not feeling well” or “I’m going to get some fries” etc., then grab your phone (so you can work on breakthrough) and walk out of the house (not just the room- the house).
I promise, you will want to spend time rehearsing this. You are unwinding millions of neural pathways from years of defensiveness, counter-attack, and insanity. You can do this! But it will take tons of practice.
If your spouse isn’t comfortable rehearsing with you, ask another family member, relative or best friend, or, play out different scenarios in your mind (“bad dog” moments). Act them out (when no one is home). See yourself choosing to clear the landing, or, sometimes, delaying the landing and using one of the communications above, over and over.
During tough times, this kind of drill should be run at least 5 times a week. Rehearsing will feel awkward, but it is a lot less awkward then eventually asking your Mother if you can move back home. Just do it!
💛 Other Tips on Incoming and outgoing
💛 Other Tips on Incoming and outgoing
When to Move to Resolution
Emil Harker’s (and Tony Overbay's) no.1 rule for resolution: When you are listening to your loved one’s feelings, or even his or her open fire, avoid the temptation of going for a resolution (or solution) unless the solution is pretty obvious.
By approaching a solution at another time (some time after hearing your spouse’s feelings) he or she can fully savor and trust her experience of your love and understanding. If you go for the solution, he or she could feel more like a project or something to fix than a person with feelings.
This is key! Keep your conversation about hurt and other feelings separate from your conversation about solutions. Mixing them together too soon convolutes both.
Later, after you’ve totally enjoyed, with out defense, and with as much admission of guilt as you can find your way to- later, after your sweet, hurt, spouse has fully basked in the warmth and light of being heard and understood- later, you can develop solutions, or if more conversation is needed, set a time for Peace Talk or Love Seat for even more understanding and solutions.
Feelings vs. Solutions
Here's a vital rule of thumb in every moment of communication with your spouse for the rest of your life:
The moment flames appear in a conversation (triggered emotions etc.), unless there's an obvious, clear, solution, shift from whatever you're talking about to your spouse's feelings i.e. "O.K. Honey, you know what? I'm realizing it seems like you're feeling upset or something (notice the tentative language here btw). Please tell me everything you're feeling about this. I'm probably missing something."
On the other hand, if your husband wants to go on and on about his hurt and disappointment about you letting one of your teenagers use his jeep without his permission, when in reality, your husband simply has forgotten that you'd taken it to the shop for service... it would make sense to jump into his rant and just let him know i.e. “Your jeep is at the shop.”
Note: What’s even more important than Managing Incoming (this page) is Managing Outgoing.
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