Nightly Check-In (Part 1 & 2)

Nightly Check-In / What, Why, When etc.

Nightly Check-In is designed to kindle friendship and at the same time, provide a safe space for guiding your spouse to your heart.
Launch Part 1 nightly "Check-In" (below) right away.
Start Part 2 after you've completed your "Relationship Cleanse."

Why? If consistently pursued, NCI...

1) strengthens the bond of your friendship and marriage and
2) provides a forum for guiding each other toward greater marital satisfaction.

When? This is ideally done (ideally) on a walk but can also be done while doing dishes, driving to the store or brushing your teeth.

How Long? Your NCI can be as brief as a few minutes, or as inspired, up to 30 minutes.

What? There are many ways to do NCI. After taking in the information below, consider developing your own unique approach and rituals around NCI, or, just use this as is.

Part 1) Chit Chat (Important Instructions)
🔑Nightly chit-chat can be: a) talking about the weather or other fun small talk or b) other substantive subjects you might drift into or c) answers to one of the 20 questions below. This last option (c) is often good for getting to know each other in deeper ways- ways that regular chit-chat sometimes doesn't lead to. But you decide.

1) Determine your path of chit-chat - ...something like, "Did you want to just chit-chat tonight (or keep talking about what we're talking about) or would you like me to pick a question?" or just start chit-chatting! At any point either of you could say the above (in blue) or not.

If you go with option "c" (picking a question), continue with the instructions below:

2) Spouse 1 (either of you) asks a "Chit-Chat" question. For example, “So what was the best part of your day?" (See other Share Starter Questions below.)

3) Spouse 2 answers.

4) Spouse 1 offers validation & interest i.e. “Wow, that’s cool!” or "Interesting!”, or “What was that like?” or “Tell me more about _______ ", etc.

5) Spouse 1 then shares on the same subject i.e. “The best part of my day was ______” or Spouse 2 asks the same question i.e. "What was the best part of your day." Either way is great.

6) Spouse 1 or 2 asks another question, or shares an answer to another question i.e. “What did you learn today” or “What I learned today was________" - How about you- what did you learn?” etc.

Note: One fun way to pick a question is to ask Google or Siri or Alexa, "Pick a number between 1 and 20."

🎈 Chit-Chat Starters (Lighter) Note: Person receiving question can always say, "Would you ask me another one?"

1) What was the best part of the day?

2) What did you learn today? ...or, did you have any breakthroughs?

3) What went well for you today (what worked for you) - how and/or why? or

4) What didn’t go well for you today or what do you wish you would have done differently?

5) What’s something you’ve been thinking about today and why? (This can’t be a marriage issue)

6) What is something you are proud of, with yourself, with me or one of our kids (and why)?

7) What’s something you’re grateful for, appreciate, or like about me, yourself or anything?

8) How did something turn out to be different than you thought?

9) What’s one of your favorite things?

10) Who inspired you today, and how? (or who did you inspire and how)Deeper (For use when trust is high and things are going well)

🤿 Chit-Chat Starters (Deeper) Note: Person receiving question can always say, "Would you ask me another one?")

11) What’s one of your biggest challenges right now (or one of your biggest current fears) and what are you learning from this? (This can’t be about us).

12) What’s one hard thing you’ve done lately, and you’re glad you did it?

13) What’s one or 2 things missing from your life right now and what do you think you might be willing to do about it?

14) How did you choose love today and what did you learn from this? (service, giving your full attention, complimenting someone etc.)

15) How did you choose fear today (competition, overwhelm, pride, rightness, scarcity, apathy, defensiveness, avoidance etc.) and what did you learn from this?

16) What are you not seeing about how God is trying to bless you and how you might be blocking Him?

17) What have you been feeling lately? (This is about you, not our relationship.)

18) What’s your vision? (This is an open ended question- whatever comes to you)

19) Pick a book of scripture, a chapter and a verse or two. Ask, “What does this mean to you personally?” or “What could it mean in your life right now?” &/or “Tell about what stood out for you about this scripture, or my comments or yours.”

20) What or who bugged you today and how is it a reflection of you? (Please do not comments on your spouse's comment on this one)

Note: Start doing Part 2 (below) after your “Relationship Cleanse”

Part 2) Make a Request (or not)

Each night, each of you (or either of you) as inspired, chooses between a., b., c., & d. (see below) - Either spouse can start. Important Note: It feels more natural to just bring issues up anytime as they seem to need attention. This isn't always the best 🤨 but as inspired, you decide! Please read "Managing Outgoing" for great insights on whether to make a request on the fly or whether to hold it until Nightly Check-In.

The huge advantage of holding your request is to train your mind away from fight, flight, judgement or inadvertantly coming off critically. Remember, just because you're frustrated, disappointed or triggered doesn't mean it has to be discussed this second. In fact, that's usually the worst time to talk (not always, but usually- you decide).

Continue to use "Part 2" of your NCI as a way to learn temperance, patience, inspiration, composure and effective issues management. Either one of you, choose between a., b., c., & d. (see below)

Request Possibilities: a) No Request - b) Request of Myself - c) Request of You - d) Guess
Click to pull down for explanation of each option.

a) I Don’t Have Any Requests Tonight.
There may actually be something bugging you right now, but you’ve decided to keep this issue and request on your Request List a little longer and work through some of your upset before bring it up. A great move. Or perhaps you’ve just decided to water the flowers tonight- not the weeds and to just let it go (whatever it is). Note: Picking this option (“no requests for tonight”) tends to increase your emotional bank account with your spouse. Choose this option as much as possible.

b) I have a Request of myself.
Be careful in your response to your partner’s request of himself. Be encouraging, not critical. For instance, your spouse might say, "I have a request for myself tonight. My request is that I get up earlier and get more exercise before going to work.”
You could say something like "That sounds great!" But if your partner says "My request of myself is that I stop being such a whiner", you do not want to say "Boy, that's for sure." Instead, just smile and be supportive.

c) I have a request I’d like to make.
”Would that be alright with you?” (or anything similar). Then...
Make a U.S.A. request - "Unloaded" (meaning you're cooled down), Specific and if possible, Affirmative.

Provide background if needed, which it usually isn’t. If this is a request you’ve made before, ask like it’s the first time (your tone of voice, phrasing, etc.).

Your spouse will know that you know you’ve already requested this (perhaps several times), but hearing it from your lips, like it’s the first time is like violins playing in his or her mind (vs. “As I’ve mentioned a hundred times already, would you PLEASE __________” etc.). This rule of thumb (from Dr. John Gray) is nothing short of pure magic.

d) What do you think my request is tonight?

Note: When your spouse guesses what you need (what your request is), if he's right, it greatly reduces the chance of him or her getting defensive, as he might if you make the request. Note if you're spouse doesn't guess correctly, whatever it is you're wanting from him or her may be better discussed in a love seat.

Possible Responses If Your Spouse Makes a Request (Click to pull down)

a) Agree / "No problems" or "Yes, I'd be glad to do that" or "I'll try my very best to do that" etc.

b) Agree, with a "please help me" or a "yes, and...
For instance: Spouse requests that you help her get the kids ready for bed. Your response could be something like, "Yes. And there's something that would really help. If for some reason I forget, would you remind me?"

c) Counter proposal
Spouse requests that you play with the kids when you get home from work. Your counter proposal could be "Yes, I want to play with them. Could you give me 30 minutes to watch football first?"

d) Re classify
Nightly Check-In, as you can see by these examples, is for smaller (DEFCOM 4) type issues.

If your spouse makes a request that feels like it really needs some conversation, you could say, "This seems like it needs a *Peace Talk* or *Love Seat.* Could we do that this Saturday on a hike or after church or with John (our favorite couples coach).

e) Request clarification
Example: Spouse asks you to be more excited when you come home from work. You could ask, "Could you tell me more about how that would look for you?" and/or…

f) Request Affirmation i.e. "Honey, I want to really get this. I’d love it if you could help me with an affirmation.” Spouse making the request suggests a brief affirmation i.e. “I love coming home at night to rejoice in my time with my beloved family, especially playing ball with the kids before dinner.” Spouse receiving requests then goes through the affirmation a few times (out loud). Getting help with an affirmation is the perfect combo with “Rehearsal”, below.

g) Rehearsal (Practice makes perfect! 😉)
"Honey, would you mind if we rehearsed this a bit?” etc. Example: Request is, “Please do not yell at the kids, even if they are out of control.” Rehearsal could include an imaginary situation (with out-of-control kids) with you choosing to be patient, giving guidance, and/or calmly pursuing pre-agreed consequence.

This can be especially fun in combination with “Affirmation” (above) i.e. “I am a tower of peace and guide my family toward love and respect. I am lovingly carrying Tommy to his room for us to talk and/or for him to cool down.”

Make sure you actually pretend to be lovingly carrying Tommy to his room.

Additional Guidelines & Tips (Click to pull down)

Avoid Layering Issues
One or both of you should feel free making a U.S.A. request in Part 2 (Requests). But avoid letting your spouses request trigger your request. For example, if your spouse says, “Would you be willing to speak a little more gently to my Mother?, you do not want to say, “Would YOU be willing to make me a higher priority than your Mom?!” etc. Whatever request you bring up in a check-in should not be triggered by what your spouse brought up. Put it on your request list and bring it up later.

If You're Low on Emotional Space...
…and your spouse asks if he or she can make a request, you can say, "Would you mind if I hear that tomorrow night?" but then make sure you're willing tomorrow.

If Your Conversation Goes South
…and your spouse asks if he or she can make a request, you can say, "Would you mind if I hear that tomorrow night?" but then make sure you're willing tomorrow.

U.S.A. Requests & Extra Niceness
What is a "USA Request"?

Unloaded - cooled down- as close to zero upset or disappointment as possible. Consider breakthrough work first.

Specific - specific, understandable, reasonable (meaning, a good possibility that he or she could agree).

Affirmative - if possible, something you want your spouse to do vs. not do.

Example: “Would you be willing to spend 20 minutes or so playing soccer with the kids after dinner a couple of times a week?” vs. “Would you please pay more attention to the kids. You don’t seem to care much about them.”

Extra Nice ways of phrasing a request

🍯 Would you be willing to...

🍯 Is it possible that you might be willing to...

🍯 I wonder if you'd be open to...

🍯 Could you be so kind as to...

🍯 Do you think you might consider...

🍯 Do you think it might be possible to________________

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