⛈ The Perfect Storm

The Perfect Storm (a Stairway to Heaven)

A singular, disturbing possibility  

“Every married person, wakes up one morning, and looking over a bowl of cold cereal, finds himself face to face with a perfect stranger, and one that he or she doesn’t particularly like.” - Hugh Prather. 

This is the moment that Jenkins Lloyd Jones (speaking of newly weds) described as running around shouting that we’ve been robbed. But as Joseph Campbell puts it, this (the cave we fear to enter) is the cave that holds the treasure we seek. 

For as Prather goes on to say, "It is at this moment (if we are willing) that we can begin to experience true love." 

Dr. Harville Hendrix (Imago Therapy) goes even further by saying that "Incompatibility is the basis for a great marriage."

Yet, as Jenkins Joe said, it's our nature to feel like we've been robbed.  In reality, this never happens. In reality, you can't marry the wrong person. In reality, you are right where you belong. How do I know? Because you want to run. 

Note that I'm not talking about relationships where there is physical violence, adultery or chronic toxic emotional abuse (vs. regular arguments or criticism). I'm talking about feeling like you've been dealt a bad hand. I'm inviting you to challenge yourself on this.  Here's how Hartman Taylor puts it: “I have never, ever, ever, worked with a couple who didn’t deserve each other" (Dr. Hartman Taylor - Author of "The Color Code")

Let’s break this down.

We tend to attract into our lives the person who is least likely to play the part we most need played- We tend to attract the perfect storm- the perfect mismatch.

Based on the theory of the “Perfect Storm”, neither of you are inclined to meet each other’s needs as well as you’d each like. If you need affection you will tend to attract someone who withholds it. If you need open communication, you will most likely attract someone who struggles to talk about his feelings. If you need your partner to deeply care about your personal world, you might tend to attract someone a little more self-centered, and so forth.

Why would you do this? Because it is just what the Doctor ordered (Dr. God)- His plan for your happiness. God gives you “weakness” (as my friend Ether says) so you can become humble and that in your humility- your broken, open heart, you will take His hand and He will make “weak things strong”, featuring, the creation of a wonderful marriage!

The “perfect storm” creates the perfect soul.

So yes, you married for love, but you also (without realizing it) married to become the best version of yourself. This is only possible in the “better and worse” of marriage- what Martin Luther called “The School of Love.”

And we can either embrace this opportunity for growth and transcendence, or run from it.

I was in a line at a grocery store years ago. The woman in front of me had a big cake in her shopping cart. She was on the phone with a friend, telling her friend how excited she was that the big day was finally here- her divorce was final and she’d bought a cake to celebrate with her friends.

No doubt, running from what is hard can result in an initial peace- even exuberance. But running from the opportunity for growth and transcendence that's before us only results in running into even deeper karma (harder lessons)- even more difficult “opportunities” to transcend.

If, however, you choose to embrace what you resist (your marriage)- if you do your best to provide what he or she needs, two magical, wonderful things happen:

🧡1) Your spouse is healed from his or her fears and wounds. 

Why do I say this? One of the reasons she chose you is because you reminded her of someone who had not come through for her earlier in life- making you the least likely to come through with what she most needs.

If you come through for her, you have reached back into her soul, and on behalf of someone else, you have finally given what she needed, even when it’s hard- something no one else has completely done. In this, you have been the hands and heart and voice of heaven in reaching back in time, bringing her (or him) forward- whole and content.

🧡2) You discover missing pieces of yourself

Narelle, for instance (my wife), had a very lonely childhood. Her Dad was a truck driver and was gone most of the time. Her Mom is a quiet woman. This along with some other very unfortunate factors, left Narelle feeling like she just didn’t matter that much. She thirsted for someone to make her a priority.

When Narelle met me I was still coming off the high of being a celebrity in Utah, and wanting to milk every last bit of lime light possible. For me, it was all about the John Canaan show, and I was the priority.

Instead of waking up every morning and asking her what I could do for her, I pursued each day with a list of things she could do for me.

Additionally, Narelle has a very delicate heart. She is loyal and deep, true and good. But the other end of this stick is that she is deeply sensitive. By nature, I can be a wee bit abrasive (I’m being nice to myself here. Picture a bull in a china shop).

The same has been true going the other direction. Narelle is the perfect lady. She thinks about what she’s going to say. She’s careful, conscious and considerate. But all this can often ruin the fun for me. I like to do and say crazy things (right to the edge of inappropriate)- and in public, for a perfect lady, this can be embarrassing. 

Note: I recently read the paragraph above to Narelle and included a pretty vivid example of something crazy I love to do. Narelle suggested I take out the example because it's "inappropriate." See what I mean?

In so many ways (some which have been challenging for both of us) Narelle and I were the perfect mismatch. The key word here is “perfect.”

Remember George Bailey at the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life”, running into the house- the district attorney telling him he had a warrant for his arrest. But by this point George understood. “Isn’t it wonderful!?”  he exclaimed, “I’m going to jail!”

It was a wonderful life for George Baily- not because of his circumstances, but because of the opportunity those circumstances provided.

Narelle and I, in some key ways, were the least likely people to play the roles each of us needed played. Isn't it wonderful!?  Yes. More than I could ever describe- because God, through our perfect storm, makes weak things strong. How else could baby chicks be strong enough to thrive unless the shell is hard enough to strengthen them as they break through it?

This is the miracle of marriage

Since marrying Narelle, I have been, day by day, breaking through the hardened shells of so many weaknesses. God has blessed me to be more in tune with Narelle and to care for her more consistently (things that don't come naturally for me). I have loved discovering and developing this part of me- a part that would have remained hidden and perhaps lost without her.

The same is true with Narelle. I’ve been so impressed with her growth and healed by her love and care for me- which for me, has been proven over and over, as my crazy antics (and other short comings) roll off her like water off a duck. She’s amazing. She has come to love and accept me, warts and all- which is what I needed so badly.

This is one of the premiere treasures found in committing- in saying “I do”, which means to never say ‘I don’t.’” 

Feel free to text me with questions concerning this article.  John Canaan 801 613 8354