Managing Outgoing 
Deep Dive - Extra Reading

Seeing a light on about a half a mile up the road, he began walking towards an old farm house. As he walked, he was filled with questions - “I wonder if anyone even lives up there?” “I wonder if they would even have a jack?”  He kept walking as more questions came - “Why would whoever lives there even come to the door at 2 in morning?  I wouldn’t, unless I saw flashing red lights outside.”

The closer he got to the house, the more his story of distrust developed, “Even if he did come to the door” he said himself “and did have a jack, there’s no way he would take a chance like this and just let me use it.”

This continued until he finally got to the door.  He rang the doorbell and listened to an old farmer coming downstairs.  After opening the door, before the farmer could say anything, the man with the flat said “I don’t want your damn jack anyway!” and stormed off.

Trust vs. Distrust

Erik Erikson, the father of developmental psychology, explains that by 2 years old we decide whether to trust or not. Most of us, to some degree, decide to not.

It’s no wonder there’s so much road rage.  Deep inside our distrusting minds, we know the bad driving of the guy who just cut us off wasn’t just absent mindedness or even carelessness.  He’s trying to kill you!  That’s why you must run him over, immediately.

I know this sounds extreme, but think about the last time something went wrong with you and your spouse. Were your upset feelings really about the actual event? or was it about your negative interpretation- an interpretation which left you feeling one of 3 things:

a) Victim - Why me?  Why must I be subjected to this person’s lack of care or consideration.  I don’t deserve this.

b) Distrust - He wouldn’t have said that if he really loved me.

c) Helplessness (a term borrowed from “Crucial Conversations.”)  What’s the point.  It doesn’t matter what I do or how hard I try, I can’t win. I’ll never have what I need and/or I’ll never be able to make him or her happy.  I am defeated and lost and always will be.

Speak to the Possibility, Not the Disappointment (Don’t kill superman!)

The bitter edge of relationship conflict is our tendency to bring our distrust and upset to each other rather than propose a solution. We speak to our disappointment in what is (or at least what seems to be), not the possibility of what could be. We bring our stories to each other, rather than our requests.

It’s a hard thing to face your spouse’s distrust or disappointment- particularly hard for a man.  A man thrives on feeling like he’s come through for his woman- that he his her knight in shining armor- her superman. Her disappointment is like kryptonite.

Sue and Jim (clients) were a perfect example. All Jim wanted to do was to make Sue happy. I’ll never forget the pain in Jim’s face as he spoke of his broken heart. He just wanted her to know he loved her. More importantly, he wanted to know the road back to her heart.

But this road can only appear if a woman (or man) can temporarily put aside his or her disappointment in order to articulate his or her specific requests. Dr. John Gottman, marriage researcher, explains that he can predict divorce largely by seeing a look of disdain or contempt in a spouse’s face. This is when the disappointment and distrust reaches critical mass- when at least one of the partners has concluded that he or she cannot find love in the other.

How does this happen? How does it get to this point?

Dr. John Lund points out that our stories of distrust and disappointment do not belong in the ears of those we love and suggests taking these feelings to God and our love to our spouse.

But what about our issues?

That’s what the Request Protocol is all about- managing issues without breaking each other’s hearts- taking your upset to God and your specific requests to your spouse (and putting the kryptonite back in the lead box).

The Dot or the Circle

When it comes conversations about issues, you can address your actual issue or request or your distrust.

If you bring your flaming red circle (distrust, accusation, disappointment, let down, or "kryptonite") vs. the actual issue or simple request, your spouse (essentially) doesn’t hear the content (the issue or request)- he only hears the story (distrust, let down etc.).

These kinds of conversations are not experienced as conversations, but as an attacks- bringing us back to...

Attachment & Safety

In either direction- managing outgoing or managing incoming, the path to mastery comes into clearer focus as you grasp the relationship between attachment and safety.

Believe it or not, we’re all trying to recreate this (That’s you on the left, in the picture below). We all want to feel safely attached to our spouse and forever basking in his or her unconditional love.

But the attachment we seek is difficult to attain in an environment of distrust and attack. Emotional safety is at the heart of attachment, as we’ll discuss later.

Fight or Flight (Controllment or Check-Out)

Distrust, disappointment, accusation and criticism all contribute to an unsafe relationship landscape (the kiss of death in marriage). This is all of course, bad enough. What’s worse though is that our natural response, instead of coming together in compassion, empathy and patience- is fight or flight (control or just check out).

Harville Hendrix describes these two options as one partner being a “fuser” and the other an “avoider.” Either choice, in my mind, boils down to being controlling- either by overtly stomping around, screaming, pressuring or insisting on something or by emotionally checking out or detaching so as to at least control your world and protect from further disapproval or rejection.

Not that I support “check-out” but I will say that controllment can be particularly nasty i.e.“Why don’t you just trust me with the finances” or “You shouldn’t be so sensitive” or “I wish you wouldn’t spend so much time with your friends. I don’t think it’s right that you put them before me.”  But none of this is your business! (Your choices are your business. Her choices are her business).

Your business is to seek mutually agreeable solutions. Your business is to let your spouse know what you feel good about, find out what she feels good about and keep talking until you can discover mutually acceptable solutions.

What a wonderful path! But it starts with you staying in your body (rather than trying to possess his or hers), letting go of your controllment (a word my step daughter made up), staying in peace, fully supporting your partner’s agency, inviting him or her into possible solutions and staying in the conversation (or coming back to it as many times as needed).

Doesn’t this all sound so much better than checking out, or becoming controlling!?

Of course relationship problems can only be fully solved as we address our relationship- our patterns (the “space between” us as H. Hendrix puts it) which is the core goal of CGPS. But there is wisdom in approaching even that (“our” relationship) with an underlying sense of personal responsibility i.e. “I am the master of my ship. I am a guest on yours.” - Tod Harvey

If you’ve got a knot in your knickers (“outgoing”), it's not “we”- it’s you dealing with your issues about someone else. If your spouse is coming at you with a flame thrower (“incoming”), “we” don’t have a problem. You have a problem. How can you best navigate this moment.

Because in either event, with our fear of detachment brewing, we tend to check out (run for the hills) or seek to control i.e. "If I can just get my partner to see it my way and to cooperate with my plan for his or her life, I will feel connected and safe again” or "“As I can continue hanging out with friends, over shopping, extending my hunting trips, he or she will finally come around (or I’ll just replace him).”

Seems simple enough to your prehistoric brain, doesn't it? Check-out or Controllment are overpowering instincts when trying to establish a sense of safety i.e. “I need to change you in some way, right now, in order for me to feel connected and safe.”

Given this, as you pursue navigating outgoing or incoming, your first and most powerful step is facing your tendency toward fight or flight (fuse or avoid), check-out or control as a coping mechanism.

Repeat after me... "I am addicted to controlling others as a way of creating safety and security" or “I’m addicted to checking out or running for the hills as a way of creating safety and security.”

Awesome! With this piece in place you're ready to study and start using the "Request List" protocol (managing outgoing) and the 6 steps below vs. the usual panic, check-out, quiet desperation, open fire or war.

Some Encouragement

As we get deeper now into the CGPS action, I'm pausing to reaffirm something- If even one of you succeeds in the protocol I’m suggesting (or even gets close to it) things are going to get much better between you, very fast.

Use as Directed

Much of the content in the Couples GPS Handbook will seem technical. You can adapt any of this to your style. It’s the principles that are important. Look at it as a general lay of the land, then, as inspired (or “directed”) use it as is, or adapt it according to your instincts, style and needs.

The Essence of “Ambush”

“Ambush” means to give unexpected criticism or input of any kind that could imply poor performance or flawed character. Ambushes come with no warning and feature the word "you." 

With the above definition, even making a request can sometimes occur to your spouse as an “ambush.”  These are what I call "loaded" requests- meaning, something you’re requesting of your spouse because you believe your spouse either

a) doesn't care about you or your feelings and/or

b) puts you last and/or

c) doesn't care about your happiness.

This kind of inner story can create a heavy “load” on what otherwise could be a simple request.

This one commitment (using a Request List) will open a whole new world of love and peace. How? Reiterating Dr. Lund- take your upset and stories to that one being who is equipped and willing to absorb it- your Heavenly Father (or for many, “The Universe”). The brunt end of your accusations, distrust and disappointment etc. are not intended for human ears. Take your upset to God. Take your encouragement, and as needed, your specific requests to your spouse.

I know if feels like you need to talk right now but what you actually need is a Request List or at least some time out. Start there, not with your spouse. If the first place you go with your upset or disappointment is your request list (or to God, or time out, or a 3 mile walk,  or your journal or some Breakthrough Work) the bitter edge of this issue will have softened by the time you get to your spouse. Thank goodness!

Most often, the worst time to talk about an issue is when you feel the most urgent need to talk about it.

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