"Not Caring is a Truly Beautiful Form of Art" by Enzo A.

Dear Year 7 student

I’m in year 9, and I'm going through some of my problems this year. You know, I'm having a lot of personal issues.  It’s very hard to hear negative comments about me every single day, and sometimes I go back home very sad. Obviously, in the classes, I always try to have a smile on my face and show to the people that I'm happy, but some days I can’t have that smile. I walk alone thinking that I only need to resist a little bit more, because we are very close to the end of the year. When I arrive at my home, my mom is working and she is very exhausted and my grandma is in a bad mood, so I can't talk about my day. In the end, I only go to bed and stay pensive.

Thank you for your support.

Anonymous

Dear Y9 student,

I do understand why, as a teenager, the opinion of others causes such an impact, for school is not only a learning institution, but also a social one. We are always looking for the praise of others, that is why when we receive hurtful comments such as the ones your classmates tell you, we are let down, and that is completely normal and understandable. You have been receiving hatred from students and haven't been able to express what you felt to neither loved ones nor the ones enacting the use of such harsh words, which is truly the most worrisome part. What is most commonly advised to do in a situation like this is to confront the people doing it, however I doubt that is going to be actually helpful, instead you need to understand the reason they are saying this, which is because they are scared the same will happen to them,  I assure you, they won't look as scary if you think like that.  I strongly advise that you communicate how other people are disregarding your feelings to loved ones, since going through situations such as this one are better dealt with support from others than alone.

I believe what still allows this problem to reoccur is the lack of communication, you can’t express your dislike for such a situation, which consequently leads to you feeling down. Suppressing your emotions, keeping them to yourself, will only make them stronger and more painful to deal with. In scenarios similar to this, the use of harsh words are due to the one telling them to feel better about themselves and a fragilized victim that does not communicate they are bothered by it. If hurtful comments are being said, you will express that it makes you uncomfortable, stand up for yourself. Because when that happens, you feel diminished and depressed. Yet, as a student, I do understand why that can be hard to do, in truth, maybe just ignore them. 

You really should have in mind not always people will appreciate the ways you do something or how you act, we are all individuals with different points of view based on our own lives, some people will like you and some won't and that is completely fine, it's only natural for us to behave as such. If you can’t seem to be able to brush it off, know that people attack you because they have something they don’t want to lose for themselves, they are just trying to feel superior to you. In summary, understand how ridiculous they are being and it will seem quite entertaining to watch. In my experience that works really well. If you attempted to do that, they would cease to believe it is funny to mess with you and would most probably stop. 

As stated by Psychology Today, hurtful comments such as the ones you are suffering, will trigger your anxieties and even a rumination of such. One idea is to keep affirming to yourself what you feel, since it makes you acknowledge your own emotions and they will be easier to understand.

When you come home from what is the main problem(classmates making fun of you), as much as you know that you would feel better sharing the situation to your family, you choose not to, always putting their work or tiredness before your own well being, but I strongly believe you should just put your health first! Of course you are concerned your mom and your grandma are busy, but I'm sure they would stop at anything to make sure you feel well. Sometimes it is important to think about your own well-being instead of others. If you don't want to talk directly about the mean comments, talk about activities you did that day that you liked or didn't, what you ate for lunch or if you understood certain subjects in school or not; these little moments are what really count, they will make you forget all the stress you felt that day.

According to Healthline, having your loved ones aware of your feelings will put you at ease, when it comes to carrying so much on your shoulders. Sharing simple things, trusting them with certain information builds stronger bonds and in the end you will feel it is easier to actually express what you feel.

Due to what is happening in your life right now, it isn't a surprise you feel sad, but as much as the situation might feel helpless right now, there are ways to avoid it seeming so bad. For instance, there is a person who is in a bad moment of their life, they don’t recover from such a problem, but they have the support from their friends and are able to go through this with them. 

What I am trying to say is that there is a big difference between being sad and dealing with it alone and being sad with the support of those you think you can trust. If I were in your place I would try to find someone who spends recess alone or that you have heard is also going through situations such as this. All the students around you also have their vulnerable sides, be open to sharing what concerns you and listen to their problems as well, this won't just help you, but also assist others. 

If your mother or grandma really aren't available, what might work are sessions with a therapist, which may help greatly, they will support or give advice from the view of a professional that has dealt with situations similar to this many times before. Remember to trust them, one of the biggest pieces of advice someone can share with you, regarding professional help, is to not refrain from what you tell them, don’t be embarrassed! A therapist may only fully help you, if you tell them about everything that is going on, they are certified and will surely deal with it seriously.

It is important to understand that feeling sad about a certain situation and dealing with it alone is much more damaging, than having others support you in this situation. If something that is troubling you isn't shared, it will only start weighing more and more on yourself. Knowing that there are others that suffer the same or that there is always going to be someone open to help you will make it much more reassuring and easier to deal with it. Healthline also presents us with a couple of symptom that come from situations in which, instead of sharing what you feel, those emotions are repressed:

• regularly feel numb or blank

• feel nervous, low, or stressed a lot of the time, even if you aren’t sure why

• have a tendency to forget things

• experience unease or discomfort when other people tell you about their feelings

• feel cheerful and calm most of the time because you never let your thoughts linger on anything significant or upsetting

• feel distressed or irritated when someone asks you about your feelings

Considering how unreasonable your classmates are being and knowing not to fight back and having other people help you get through this is the best way to deal with the situation, since it will make the comments stop and you won't feel completely alone. If those don't work, you could try to report the troublemakers to a teacher or coordinator, keep affirming positive things to yourself or, if the situation becomes more serious, you have no choice but to consider changing classes. Whatever you do, never fight fire with fire, don’t insult or hurt them back, it would only worsen the scenario. I hope this letter helped you to overcome this situation, as much thought was put into it. Whoever you are, know that I will always wish the best for you and if you ever feel bothered by a situation again, feel free to contact the Stance Advice Column and I will be glad to help.

Sincerely,

Y7 - Enzo Tomikawa Abe