This is What Love Feels Like

Gavin de Becker upset an entire community of women when he said, “The first time a woman is hit, she is a victim, and the second time, she is a volunteer." While this may come off as blaming the victim for abuse she may be experiencing, I find the meaning behind it more powerful. Too often, battered women will find themselves going back to physically abusive partners, justifying violence by calling it love. In my art piece, I want to call attention to this phenomenon and express urgency for victims to leave violent partners before it leads to an imminent death.  Specifically, I want to highlight the alarming statistic that if a woman survives non-fatal strangulation at the hands of her partner, the likelihood of her being murdered by that person via strangulation becomes 7 times, or 700 percent, more likely (Glass 2004). This statistic has been used by intimate partner violence organizations such as SAFE and NNDEV, as they cannot help but watch the cycle of abuse continue.

In my piece, I depict the silhouette of a head with a hand emerging from a heart, wrapping around the person's throat. I chose red and purple for my quilt tile because I wanted to represent domestic violence with colors that contrasted well together and encapsulated a violent relationship. Purple is considered the official color for domestic violence awareness, so I made sure that it was prominent. Red symbolizes carnage, anger, and conflict while also representing love, hearts, and blood. White and pink are less prominent colors I used to highlight the other colors and fit the theme of a Valentine’s Day card. I felt this theme added a little irony and emphasized my point that what might feel or look like love is not actually love.

  The head and hand symbolize a violent relationship. The silhouette speaks softly; the first layer reads, “This is what love feels like,” which is a common analogy that love is suffocating, painful, or strenuous. Underneath the speech bubble reads, “This is how I am killed.” This statement forces the reality of the situation into the viewer's perspective. Too often, women will justify violence they face from the hands of their partners. They stay because they think love is not easy and that they need to fight to keep their partner from leaving, when they should fight to leave their situation to survive.

  I wanted to include and experiment with some non-traditional material for a quilt block, so I scanned, printed, and cut some of my favorite excerpts from The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I also felt this assisted in my effort to display sound advice that often falls on deaf ears when it comes to those who find themselves in a complex and violent relationship. Everything I have included in my project has been said repeatedly across various media, yet the statistics of murders in domestic relationships do not stagger. According to the CDC, one in five homicides are a result of intimate partner violence. Approximately half of these homicide victims are female (Center of Disease Control 2026). I also included these excerpts because this book has changed my outlook on life, especially my perspective on what deviant behavior might look like. I hope that my piece will encourage others to at least look further into de Becker’s work, as I feel it is vital information for anyone who might be at risk of intimate partner violence.

Like de Becker, I have also adopted the way of using gender specific language within both my quilt tile and narrative, because while men can also face domestic violence, in this case, I am only addressing what is statistically prevalent and not what is politically correct. For my art piece, I purposefully left the silhouette without strong gender characteristics so the viewer can easily place themselves in the situation and see how this issue can involve anyone. It also reduces the chance of people turning away if they feel targeted, so the featureless silhouette allows for subtle introspection.

Domestic violence will continue to exist beyond our lifetimes. Unfortunately, violence is a learned behavior that will persist; accepting this reality is the only way to combat it. Awareness and activism surrounding intimate partner violence have saved many lives, so it is my intention to continue to speak and represent this matter throughout my academic career. Intimate partner violence is so important to me because I truly believe everyone deserves love that is safe, genuine, and prolongs their life and pursuit of happiness. I also believe that more awareness prevents violence in domestic situations. Empowering women and potential victims helps them gain the courage to leave their situation.