Conny Moran
What ifs
First Face.
Happiness.
Starting strong and calm
No loud distractions, just him and I.
The warm feeling of being seen as me,
As if his eyes were sunlight touching his skin
Second Face.
Adjustment.
Seeing each other every day,
Going places together
Our hands find each other in the noise
And meeting each other's families.
Smiles, laughter, and the comfort of belonging.
Third Face.
The inner storm.
Like waves meeting the same shore.
Crashing louder each time.
What if he doesn’t actually love me?
What if his gentleness is a habit, not love?
Stop.
That's not right. Why am I thinking like this?
The air feels heavier now.
My heartbeat is counting faster than reason.
Fourth Face.
Endless loops.
Spirals. Spirals. Spirals.
Each thought folding into the next
A whirlpool I can't escape
A mindstorm that won't quiet down.
Author's commentary:
Something that inspired me to write this poem was my issues with overthinking. I’m the type of person who overthinks every situation, every thought, every decision, and every no and yes I say. I don’t overthink in the moment, but it comes back to me when I’m alone with my thoughts and no one is keeping me company. My overthinking started to flow into my relationship, which I am currently in, and I feel writing it out makes me realize what feelings, emotions, and thoughts I experience while going through overthinking and realizing that it is just my mind that is making me overthink in a negative way, which has gotten much better than it was way before.
My writing process while writing was filled with so many thoughts and feelings that come up while trying to write it, in a way where it's understandable, it makes sense, and makes it perfect. When writing it I was trying to also process to understand my own feelings, letting the words figure out what was going on inside but also writing it out to make it sound like a poem.
Some literacy devices and or techniques that I used were imagery and shift. I used imagery to describe my words vividly to create an image in the reader's mind, and by using shifts to change the mood of the poem and build a scene through the words.
I structured my poem by using rhythms to create a sense of rhythm. I also organized my lines in a way that guides the reader through the poem's mood and meaning.
Some themes that I was exploring throughout this poem include themes like love, vulnerability, overthinking, trust, and the many what-ifs that come with caring for someone so deeply. I also touch on themes like emotional uncertainty and identity within a relationship, and the shift from comfort to doubt.
Some literary influences came from poets and writers who focus on emotion, inner conflict, and intimate relationships. I don’t read as many poems or books, so my poem was not necessarily inspired by any specific authors. Instead, I relied on my own basic knowledge and understanding of how poems are structured and followed my own path in creating it. I used my personal emotions and experiences to guide the style, structure, and ideas letting the feelings shape the poem.
I wrote this poem based on my overwhelming emotions and feelings towards my overthinking interfering with my relationship. As I was writing this poem, I felt as if my feelings were making more sense to me as I was comprehending how to structure my poem and make it a heartfelt poem that can be relatable in a sense.