I woke up from my dream, feeling that high I once knew. Her brown curly hair, sweet smell still swirling in my mind. She's everything without a face. No eyes, lips, nose to identify her but I always know she's the same person haunting me. My savory bed that rests under me, reminding me I'm alone and this shadowing woman only exists in my mind. I have to be at school by 7:30 but I feel like I'm sinking. This shadow is addicting, a high I can only grasp in my dreams now.
The hallway lights at school always feel too bright, like they're trying to sear the parts I've kept buried away. I walk past lockers and laughter, past the cafe where it smells of cheap perfume and syrup, but she's still there, clawing the corners of my mind like smoke. My sophomore year, I nearly drowned in her. Pills, weed, anything to keep her close to me, to feel her blissfulness in the dull parts of my chest. I remember the night I collapsed in my room, the carpet brushing my cheek, her whispering in my ear “shh its okay, let me take care of you” That was the last time she would win. Two years clean, and I can still feel her fingers in my lungs when I breathe too deep.
“Brandon”, my English teacher, Ms. Kilgore says, snapping me out of my daydream. “Are you with the class?”
I nod, forcing a small smile. “Yeah, just thinking.” She gives me that teacher look, where they know there's more to the story but they won't press. She continues and soon enough I'm sitting in my thoughts, trying to write something and blur out the ache behind my eyes.
“What are you writing about?” Nate asks beside me.
When I don't answer he responds back “mystery girl?” with a cheeky grin.
I laugh, but it's not genuine, "She's just a reminder, not a mystery”
Nate raises an eyebrow, “of what?”
“That I survived her,” I say quietly “And those shadows don't leave. They just change agendas.”
Nate stays quiet when I say that. Then he nods. “If she ever comes back, tell her she owes you rent money for living rent free in your mind.”
I smile for real this time. He's right, she does owe me.
I wrote this story loosely based on myself, personality wise. My character Brandon daydreams a lot and is haunted by his past and has regrets just as myself. I wanted to create someone who has anxiety and regrets just as everyone in the real world does. When I personally read characters who have many layers and remind me of myself, I feel more understood. I wanted to do that in my own writing to comfort and make sure readers know what they go through is something someone else goes through too. In this story, I wanted something dark and realistic, but still to have some metaphors and dreamlike features such as the “shadowy woman.”
This story reflects drug abuse and sober living teenagers. My character Brandon head dealt with a drug addiction and fortunately he came over it. He is a Junior now but still has the repercussions and craving to go back into the addiction. Addiction is an issue the world deals with unfortunately and I wanted to depict someone who did go through addiction but was able to overcome it. It's a solidarity story in his POV, he feels alone in sober living but knows it's what's healthy for him. Walk us through at least one of your choices in terms of characterization, setting, plot, structure or style. Describe it in detail, explaining how highly specific details relate to universal and profound ideas, themes, and issues you are exploring in the text.
One of my choices for plot was using similes to have a “shadow woman” in Brandon's mind to exemplify how addiction feels to a person. Similes such as “Two years clean, and I can still feel her fingers in my chest when I breathe too deep,” and “but she's still there–clawing the corners of my mind like smoke.” These similes I use are for the reader to visualize how hard it is for Brandon to breathe, or how he still thinks about his addiction. Readers who have never had substance abuse may have a hard time feeling how my character feels, with this I made these similes to put a feeling in the characters.
For this story, I used first person to have the story show the gravity of who Brandon is and his scars. I wanted to show him not as a character but as a real person. Some challenges I faced were trying not to make the story cliche. I wanted to make a story where you don't know who is who, only the first person POV. The way I overcame it was to put myself in a reader's POV shoes and create a plot based on what would be interesting to see.
“I walk past lockers and laughter, past the cafe where it smells of cheap perfume and syrup, but she's still there–clawing the corners of my mind like smoke. My sophomore year, I nearly drowned in her. Pills, weed, anything to keep her close to me, to feel her blissfulness in the dull parts of my chest. I remember the night I collapsed in my room, the carpet brushing my cheek, her whispering in my ear “shh its okay, let me take care of you” That was the last time she would win.” The way I wrote this to give his addiction “human characteristics.” When describing it, making it a woman, I felt it was appropriate to make it more ominous. The choices I used is to write a different depiction of addiction and give it human features.
What I learned from working on this story is how hard it is to come up with characters and a setting. I did not know how to make the story captivating for the reader to understand and relate too. It was a hard process but I got through it to make this story. I enjoyed writing and being able to have control of something I do not do in my daily life. Writing has become very therapeutic for me and I'm excited to write more.