I have fallen deep
heart first,
head last,
no parachute,
no catch.
You held me with hands made of clouds
and words soft as pillows.
Once, you loved me like poetry,
you spoke to me like candy.
Now, you love me silent,
empty and heavy.
You unfolded slowly,
layers and fragments,
and I didn't see it coming.
Sharp edges where I expected warmth,
a stranger in a mask of someone I used to trust.
Still, I am here.
Because of memories,
only memories,
of love, of delight
of the reality I pictured as perfect,
of how I felt it was perfect,
of when you loved me,
like the only thing
that ever made sense.
Now I lie twisted,
uncomfortable,
in shapes and feelings unrecognizable,
just to feel wanted.
I hold the ghost of you,
better, sweeter
than the man you've become .
And when I try to leave,
I remember the beginning,
and fall in love
with the old love,
All over again.
I was inspired to write Why I Can’t Escape by my personal experiences with love and the toxic cycles I’ve found myself in. I’ve seen these same patterns not only in my own relationships but in romantic films, in the people close to me, and even in strangers. The way the “firsts” in love hold so much meaning, and how the memory of the honeymoon phase becomes something you crave again, even when everything has gotten worse and colder over time in the relationship. My writing process began in a quiet space in my home, where I let myself feel everything I was feeling at the time without holding back. I wrote whatever came to mind, letting my emotions guide me until my journaling naturally shaped itself into a poem built from feeling release. I structured the poem in a shifting, back and forth way, using imagery to move between sweet, warm moments and colder, unrecognizable ones, mirroring the emotional swings of the relationship. The structure intentionally bounces between passion and pain. In this piece, I explore themes of yearning for the past, longing for the first moments of new love, and the way those memories can overshadow the reality of toxicity in the present. I am a realistic and very straight to the point author who loves exploring different perspectives within a story, and writing this piece was especially meaningful to me.