A gloomy afternoon at the QBE Stadium saw struggling team, 007 Universe, pick up crucial points against playoff hopefuls, Ne'erdowells.

The match was a sickening torrent of offloads and flagrant prancing from the home team, with Ne'erdowells 'ne'er' able to find their groove! An early try from Roger Moore put the home team in front, with a Trevelyan try following shortly after. Sean Connery was only able to secure one of his conversion efforts, whose kicking form has been absolutely laughable this season. The pressure must be mounting on the player, as the Hall of Shame beckons him from the murky depths of Pro 12 post-season.

Athlete's Foot botched a penalty from 55 metres right on half-time, and that saw us into the break.

Someone must have forgotten to pack the half-time oranges because the Ne'erdowells looked even more sluggish early in the second half, conceding yet another try to 'Forever Tapping' golden boy, Alec Trevelyan. This big carry secured him 'Man of the Match', and formalised his position as the fan-voted most popular player on the team! RC3Breakdown correspondent David Pipe caught a word with the man after hearing this news: "David... What an unpleasant surprise. Why can't you just be a good boy and die? Oh, we're on record? Ha ha! I love my fans! Means a lot to hear they consider me the most trusted agent. For England, Dave".

"I mean, at least get Benjamin Godzilla a drop-goal for christ's sake" states a frustrated Ne'erdowells fan to BBC's Guy Mowbray. "You don't travel all this way to see a performance like that. And the price of a pie here is extortionate!" Benjamin Godzilla is widely considered a frontrunner for 'Prop of the Year', a category in the 'RC3Breakdown Golden Gumshield Awards' held in Ireland after the Pro 12 season comes to an end.

007 Universe are desperately clawing up the rankings after rumours spread that they'd be banished to the Armitage 8 next season. Head coach Bernard Lee refused to speak to us on the matter, storming out of the press conference at the mere sight of RC3Breakdown correspondent, David Pipe.

This result marks yet another loss to the already shocking away record for the Ne'erdowells. Sitting on a 15.79% winrate since their inception, Mr Freeway will surely be looking to alter their away form in the coming months. However, Director of Rugby Chris Ashton had something else to say on the matter: "yeah, we'll see who's laughing come the post-season." A curt response for his standards, but it leaves us all thinking: what does he mean? Here at RC3Breakdown we can't wait to see what the Ne'erdowells have in store for us.