Here are some secret rules you should consider when you think about playing a match.

1. Grow at least three extra legs. You won't need them, but it keeps the crowds amused.

2. Find one good Brockian Ultra-Cricked player. Clone him a few times. This saves an enormous amount of tendious selection and training.

3. Put your team and the opposite team in a large field and build a high wall around them.

(The reason for this is that, although the game is a major spectator sport, the frustration experienced by the audience at not actually being able to see what's going on leads them to imagine that it's just a lot more exciting than it really is. A crowed that has just watched a rather humdrum game experiences far less life-affirmation than a crowd that believes it has just missed the most dramatic event in sporting history.

4. Throw lots of assorted equipment over the wall for the players. Anything will do -- cricket bats, basecube bats, tennis rackets, skis, anything you can get a good swing with.

5. The players should now lay about themselves for all they are worth with whatever they find to hand.

Whenever a player scores a 'hit' on another player he should immediately run away and apologize from a save distance. Apologies should be concise, sincere, and, for maximum clarity and points, delivered through a megaphone.

6. The winning team should be the first team that wins.