Note
You may like some of these ideas, all of them, or none of them! The overarching key is to be open, creative and willing do whatever it takes to strengthen your friendship with your spouse. BTW, If there’s anything you do in your Nightly Check-In that you love (that isn’t here), we’d love to hear about it so we could list. Please write to johncanaan@gmail.com.
As you read or listen to uplifting content (on a walk or while doing dishes etc.- whatever your Nightly Check-In looks like), share feelings, experiences and insights about what you're reading or listening to. This will provide a better view into your soul for your spouse.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Hold Me Tight, especially, is fun to listen to on a walk (during Nightly Check-In) or on a drive. You can pause the recording (or look up from your Kindle, before tripping over something) to make comments and share breakthroughs. Please note that everything you read and share together is always about and for you, not your spouse. Never apply it to him or her, just to yourself. This is the secret to not only learning all you can but to avoiding war.
Other Suggestions for Uplifting Content
Bonds that Make Us Free (a classic)
The Great Divorce (C.S. Lewis)
Scriptures (including "Come Follow Me")
Steven Furtick (See YouTube)
Joel Osteen (YouTube)
When reading together, pause from time to time and ask each other questions and/or share your impressions i.e. “What do you think of what he’s saying here?” or “I love this is because _____” etc. Remember to always make (or apply) what you're listening to about yourself.
“Couple Care” means combining uplifting content with back rubs, foot rubs, brushing hair, ticking back or arm etc. while listening and talking about uplifting content.
This can be before, after, or during Nightly Check-In, anywhere from 2 to 7 nights a week (whatever your goal is).
You may want to set a timer for 5 minutes, twice. While one reads and sort of conducts the conversation, the other gives him or her a foot rub, back rub, arm tickling, hair brushing etc.
You could also just sit close to each other on a couch and take in some uplifting content and/or watch the sun set.
1) Pick a romantic song with a good slow-dance beat. Dance should last 3 minutes i.e. (Click above - “When You Say Nothing at All.”
2) "Sway" (Hold each other and just sway back and forth like you were at a high school dance).
3) Look into each other's eyes (at first), even if you've wanted to pour sour milk on each other 2 minutes earlier. That's O.K. just force yourself to do it at least for 20 seconds. You don't have to smile. You don't have to be cute or even romantic. Just be present to each other.
After a bit, if you’d rather turn down the lights all the way and/or position your heads side to side (as pictured above), that’s pretty cool too.
4) In either event, eye to eye or with your faces side to side (or even with your wife’s head on your shoulder) consider asking God to assist you in a "Guided Tour" - a tour through your spouse’s soul- his or her feelings, what he or she is all about, his or her values, dreams & frustrations- all shown to you (at least in your heart) by simply sharpening your presence and maintaining your focus. God will do the rest..
5) Most important: Don't talk! Nothing! (I know it’s weird, ‘cause all this time we’ve been stressing “chit chat.” But everything has it’s place.
An Assurance Ritual can be helpful in the aftermath of a crises of trust. I call it a “ritual” because the words you share are so important that you are willing to share them over and over, as part of a ritual effort to give comfort.
This can be done either weekly at Weekly Inventory or daily at Nightly Check-In.
Note that an "Assurance" ritual isn't just for fidelity issues. You can assure other things that have also been in crises i.e.
Examples
1) For anything related to infidelity or pornography - “I’ve been 100% faithful to you this week (or “today”) and I have loved it and I love you.”
2) If your spouse is experiencing a long-term crises of feeling unappreciated or overwhelmed, every night for a week or two, or month or two (or perhaps forever), focus especially on what you appreciate and how grateful you are for all he or she is doing, for example: “I wanted to tell you also tonight, that I’ve been so thankful for _____________” or…
3) for overwhelm… "I want you to know that I’m always here for you, in whatever way I can possibility be. I love supporting you and look forward to you letting me know how.”
4) If your spouse is having a crises in confidence (i.e. new job, self esteem doubts etc.), focus each night on emphasizing his or her talents, amazing attributes, even his or her willingness to keep at it, for example - “Something I’m so proud of you for lately is_________________” etc.
This can be done during your weekly family planning meetings, or during dinner, and/or just before everyone goes to bed). This can be in person (for younger families) or on a video call for empty nesters, or a combination of both. This meeting can be as short as 4 to 10 minutes or much longer, depending on your needs, preferences & willingness.
Set up
1) Determine when your Family Check-Ins will be and and how long you’d like to spend in each meeting (ideally) and perhaps a weekly goal i.e. seven times a week? once? three? etc.
2) Determine who will conduct the meetings. This can be a parent or you could rotate through the family, or just decide once you’re together i.e. “O.K. who wants to conduct?”
Family Check-In Instructions
1) Pick a Nightly Check-In question (ideally, have them printed out).
2) Going around the circle, each person shares his or her answer to the question i.e. “The Breakthrough I had today was _______.” However, if someone doesn’t want the question for the night, he or she could pick another i.e. Annie may say “One thing I learned to day was _______.”
Note: If your family is willing to spend more time, anyone can jump in with “Tell me more about _______” in response to a family member’s share.
Optional (Family Check-In Deeper Dive)
3) Whoever would like to could share an inspirational thought, story and/or quote and give his or her perspective or feelings on this thought or quote. There could be as many shares along this line as you’d like, depending on your time budget and commitment.
Pray and/or Meditate
4) Pray together and/or spend a minute or so meditating- first getting fully into the present (i.e. breath awareness), then each each family member spending a moment in private vision of something he or she would like to see happen in his or her life. In today’s world, we really can’t get enough meditation and/or pray.