There's an old expression that when a co-dependent is about to die, someone else's life flashes before her eyes.

Co-dependence means you're struggling to allow your spouse (or your children) to deal with the consequences of their actions. 

You want to end everyone's suffering, even if it means sustaining yours. You will make sure everyone is happy, even if it means you're miserable. 

But this only leads to bitterness and a closed heart on your end and on your spouse's end (especially males) - anger and sometimes violence.

Below is a copy of the 5 Centering Questions (the previous chapter). If you are struggling with co-dependence, stay present with these- stay committed to asking yourself the questions and responding to your answers. 

Below these questions are vital affirmations for you to meditate on, pray about and practice every day.

For a co-dependent, learning to live in these questions (also known as living in personal boundaries) and letting people know how you feel and what could work for you too, can be an inner crises- like the fabric of reality itself is unraveling. 

It will take you a while to get used to telling yourself the truth about what you're feeling and telling your spouse the truth about what works for you too.

The idea of loving your neighbor (your spouse or children) as yourself is only a Sunday School concept for the co-dependent. For she, or he, has learned that the only possibility for finding love, or connection or security in this life is to make sure no one is upset (especially with her), but this only leads to everyone being upset, especially her (or him).   

💙 1) What am I willing to do? …("Pro action question") - This question is my "get out of victim jail card" and brings me "back into my body"- back to my own business (my choices)- not his or hers.

💙 2) What am I not willing to do, or endure? What am I not comfortable with? What doesn't work for me? This is the "Self Honesty and Self-determination Question" - assisting me in noting where he or she ends and I begin- to experience myself as a distinct and separate person with a willingness to love my neighbor as myself. This question heals me from the illusion of helplessness, returns me to a sense of self-determination and even further out of my victim story.

💙 3) What do I feel would be the best for everyone, including me? …(the "Win Win" Question) often including a cost/benefit analysis as I review the first 2 questions now through this lens. This question, especially, creates balance and wisdom and opens my heart to win win possibilities.

💙 4) What am I not seeing? ...(the "Revelation Question"). What am I not seeing, even in this very moment, as I'm asking this? What's another way of looking at this? (This question invites a more complete view of the situation- moving you away from limited thinking toward even more possible solutions).

💙 5) What do I want? or What would I like to see happen? (This is the "Perspective Question" - instilling a deeper look at and awareness of your life goals visions). The other 4 questions are viewed through this lens.

😇 Note: Asking these questions will only deliver the right answers for you, if you are right- if you are not steeped in fight or flight, closed mindedness, controllment or blame. The more balanced, forgiving and calm you are, the greater your chances are of coming up with inspired answers. Click here for more on getting clear. 

What You Need to Let Your Spouse Know (Often)

Honesty and vulnerability is the key. Your spouse needs to know why you're acting differently or he or she will lose trust. Here are some talking points. You could even read them to your spouse if you just can't bring yourself to say them. 

1) I have codependent tendencies. Please be patient with me.

2) I'm struggling to tell myself the truth about my feelings. 

3) I'm struggling to tell you the truth about my feelings- or in other words, my answers to the 5 Centering Questions. 

4) Trying to determine what I'm comfortable with, what I'm willing to do or not do, what I feel best about- the whole boundary thing is awkward for me too. 

5) I don't even know how to have conversations about this kind of stuff yet. I'm figuring it all out as I go.  

6) Please trust that I'm doing my best and that everything I'm doing (as I live in these 5 questions) is to keep my heart open and my love flowing!

7) I know a lot of what I'm doing and saying triggers you at times. I feel so bad about that! But this is my map right now- the 5 Questions, the Control Tower Theory, Managing Incoming - everything.  I'd love it if you'd read it with me, but either way, I'm very committed to this map. 

Freezing

The picture above shows my wife Narelle and some friends, after walking into a freezing lake (in the winter) in Idaho. It was amazing to watch. One step after the next, one little bit of her body after the next, feeling the horrible discomfort of the cold- but then getting used to it, little by little, step by step.  

If you're struggling with co-dependence (meaning, not willing to make sure things work for you too), I know it feels like your walking into a freezing lake to say the kinds of things I've suggested above or contemplate the affirmations below. 

But keep going- step by step, phrase by phrase, moment by moment, patiently and lovingly guiding your spouse and loved ones toward paths that work for you too.  You'll live, I promise.  But more so, you'll love!