Handling Double-Bind Questions

Double-bind questions is a lose-win or lose-lose deal. These negativity is often seen in intimacy relationship or manipulative probing. This guide is based on various readings, particularly:

• https://kevinfitzmaurice.com/free-stuff/communication-skills/how-to-handle-double-bind-questions/

What is Double Bind Questions?

Questions that leads on losing side for the person to answer. They are the type of rhetorical question that is not rhetorical.

No Option Questions

1. Have you stop beating your wife yet?
   • Both sides of answers are condemning you of family abuse

Questions starting with DON'T

1. Don't you love me?
2. Don't you care?
3. Don't you want to make something for yourself?
4. Don't you understand me?
5. Don't you want to go to college?
6. Don't you know better than that?

Answering YES admits you do not know what you should already be doing; NO admits you're bad choice or a person who does not know what to do, or does not align to the questioner's values.

Question starting with CAN'T

1. Can't you ever do anything yet?
2. Can't you do one thing for me?
3. Can't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
4. Can't you think of yourself?
5. Can't you do better than that?

Answering NO implies that you are hurting the questioner deliberately; Answering YES implies you are mocking the questioner. Either way, you are on the losing side and usually these types of questions does not need an answer. It is more of a statement: you're bad at something.

Question starting with WHY

1. Why do you want to hurt me?
2. Why are you always failing?
3. Why do you have to be so mean?
4. Why do you always take your mother's side?
5. Why do I put up with you?
6. Why do you procrastinate so much?
7. Why were you born?

Answering the question leads to second or continuous attacks.

Statement with IF ... THEN

1. If you love me, then do this for me.
2. Is that the way you want to make me feel?
3. After all I did for you, the least you can do is this one thing for me?

Normally, it adds stress in order to persuade with threat to the responder to do something.

Motivation and Steps

Before countering, you need to know how these questioner moves:

1. Accuse responder of wrong.
2. Trap them into negative response.
3. Damm their response.
4. Damm them to lower them.
5. Make them feel shameful.
6. Make them fear you.
7. Make them do what you want.
8. Make worry about what you want.
9. Control their co-science.
10. Control them when not there.
11. Make them spread fear of you.
12. Control others through them.

Motivation and Steps to Counter

Now that we understand the questioner's motive and chess moves, it's time to have ours in placed:

1. Stay neutral and mildly positive.
2. Never argue, defend or ignore.
3. Never respond directly.
4. Never use humor or sarcasm.
5. Never show vulnerability.
6. Stick to your script or lines.
7. Always dance your dance.
8. Distract with other issues.
9. Redirect to some controversy.
10. Speak distractedly or off-the-wall.
11. Baffle or snow with empty words.
12. Escape to an emergency.

Avoiding Traps

To avoid trap, remember to respond it with positive feeling but with the similar topic, not answering the question but not ignoring questioner.

Examples:

1. “Don’t you want to succeed?”
   • "I really like it when I am productive.”
2. “Don’t you care about your family?”
   • “I really like it when we are all together.”
3. “Can’t you ever do anything right?”
   • “I really like it when things work out.”

Patterns

“I really like it ….”

“I enjoy ….”

“It feels good to ….”

“I prefer it when ….”

“It is nice when ….”

Repeating Attacks

Continue to use and not answering the question until questioner gives up. They may attack with a different aggressive question like "what is that suppose to mean?"

Example:

• “Can’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?”
  • “It really is good to share feelings with others.”
• “What is that supposed to mean?”
  • “I enjoy the good company of others.”
• ...

Important Notes

1. Give them the answer outside but keep true to yourself inside. The objective is not to let the questioner hurts you.
2. Stick to your dance and don't dance to their steps. Dance to keep yourself out of this lose-win game.
3. Use simple and everyday language. Leave no room for them to pull a trick on you.
4. Never respond with answer.

That's all about answering double binding questions.