Over the years, the defining boxes that I put these two identities into have slowly started to fade into each other. It has caused me to wonder, on many occasions, who I am. The name Samantha is Hebrew for, “Listener of God,” as the little name card given to me at birth displays (Meehan). I have it pinned on my bulletin board at home. All my life, I've been aware of the meaning behind my name, but only since high school have I really tried to embody it. The past six years I have made an effort to be a listener, and to make people feel seen and heard. When I come back to the true identity behind who I am, it reminds me how special my given name is.

I’m learning to love Samantha. She’s actually been with me all along and I wouldn’t be who I am today without her. The curiosity and child-like wonder. The appreciation of art, intentionality, and the beauty of everyday life. Those things come from her. Sam is who I am to other people. It’s a casual, everyday name. Samantha, however, is used more rarely. It’s who I am at my core. It’s my identity - the me that is continuing to learn and grow while also staying connected to my younger self. When I’m journaling, I sign my full name at the end of each entry. It’s a little reminder to me that despite the different versions of myself, I always have been and always will be, Samantha. Everyone calls me Sam now, so when people (like my mom and my grandma) call me Samantha, it feels more special and intimate. Like a secret that’s just for me. 

I’ve come to realize that I can make my name what I want. Both Sam and Samantha mean something different and beautiful to me. Samantha reminds me of the richness of life, while Sam has taught me to go out in the world and be bold. I need both names in order to live fully and authentically. These two different identities have cultivated a better understanding of who I am and how I fit into this world.