My name is 해선(Heh-Sun) and it means role model. The dictionary definition is “should,” because the character 해 means “to do something”. Originally my parents were going to name me 히마, which means hope. However, they opted to change it because it was too feminine for their taste. Being a first-generation immigrant, my parents didn’t think to give me an English name, and as a result, I’ve lived my whole life going on different versions of my name purely because of the mistakes of others, not my own choice. 

My name isn’t even gendered properly and the data shows that since 2008, 84% of the 87 people born with my name were girls. I don’t know how my traditional East Asian-minded father expected me to become a powerful masculine role model with a feminine name, but I guess the irony is there. It’s like the rarity of my name has spawned numerous variations because it makes it difficult to guess the correct pronunciation. Most people have never corrected themselves. I’ve probably heard 10+ versions of pronouncing my name, one of which has stuck with me since 5th grade. Some kids in my class teased me by saying “Hae-Soon” during recess. I guess it stuck cause now I use it for everything from Instagram usernames to gamer tags. Now the different pronunciations have evolved to the point where I can identify which of my friend groups the person is a part of. If they pronounce correctly in Korean, then they are Korean, but only a certain subset of them. The ones who go to Korean churches not to practice Christianity but to hang out with each other. If they pronounce it the classic English way, they’re your average non-Korean. Many people I would consider “class-friends” call me that. If they pronounce it as Hae-soon, then they are my hometown pricks who know me better than anyone. The guys whose houses I sleepover at during seasonal breaks and can count on for anything except making a good hangout plan on time. There’s also the Troy guys and I call them that because that’s the city they’re from and they pronounce my name as Hae-Sun.

My life has presented me with phases where I have to make crucial decisions for my future, yet I’m often overwhelmed by the myriad of seemingly unviable choices. It’s as if each version of my name is a part of me that embodies different aspects of myself. Hae-sun wants to put in a lot of effort to ensure a good future, Hae-sahn says it’s okay to fail as long as I perseveres and Hae-soon just wants to rewind time to where he didn’t have to make any of these choices. I never quite know what 해선 wants, but I hope he ultimately succeeds in whatever that may be.