Hum4
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Peeps
Peeps, a sibling species to chickens and composed primarily of marshmallow, are always born as conjoined quintuplets. Some scientists have theorized that this arrangement serves as a natural protection against predators. As evidence, note that Peeps are most often consumed by predators only after they have been separated. Here, surgery is done to separate Peep siblings. (Part of a larger effort to understand the complex behavior and physiology of Peeps:PeepResearch.org.)
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Peep Surgery
Introduction: One of the great mysteries of the Peep species is that these creatures are always born as conjoined quintuplets. Some scientists have theorized that this arrangement, much like pack behavior in other species, serves as a natural protection against predators. As evidence, note that Peeps are most often consumed by predators only after they have been separated from their siblings. Conversely, Peeps which remain attached to their siblings are rarely preyed upon.
Nevertheless, as Peeps integrate into modern society, there is no ethical reason they should be denied the benefits of individualism, freed from the bonds of their sticky, marshmallow kin.
We thus applied the advances of modern medicine to attempt this miracle separation of these 5 brave volunteers.
Materials: In preparation of this never-before attempted surgery, a range of instruments and supplies were assembled. Our thanks go out to all those who will wonder on Monday where these instruments have gone.
Procedure:
- Phase 1: Pre-operative Peep patient preparation.
- Phase 2: Patients are transported to operating theater, where they are given anesthetic and surgery begins.
- Phase 3: After the first Peep is separated, wound is cauterized and first attempt at closure is carried out.
- Phase 4: The second Peep has been separated, and sutures are used to close the wound.
- Phase 5: Tension rises in the O.R. as a Code Purple is called.
- Phase 6: Reconstructive plastic surgery is carried out as the final step in this procedure.
Operative Results: Overall, we view this operation as a resounding success. All five patients survived the procedure as viable, if not somewhat squished, individuals.
Future surgical technique should be refined based upon these experiences. We expect significant improvement in outcome with repeated attempts. Clearly, more data is required regarding base-line Peep vital signs and intraoperative monitoring. Established protocols for Code Purple resuscitation should be reviewed.
Those resilient little birds...
As we plunge into the 21st century, it is time we take a closer look at the technological wonders we create. Here, we try to discover just a little bit more about the world around us through the miracles of science, technology, and preservatives.
We hope you enjoy this educational tour as we work to characterize everybody's favorite Easter candy, the Marshmallow Peep.
Basic Science: Our first studies focused on basic attributes and reactions of Peeps to simple conditions and stimuli.
Our subjects: Before any testing begins, all peep subjects are thoroughly examined and sign a disclosure form explaining the potential risks of their volunteer service.
Peep Health: Perhaps one of the most under-represented areas of study worldwide, issues of Peep well-being are only now making their way into the mainstream consciousness.
- Risk Analysis: Investigating the effects ofsmoking and alcohol on Peep health.
- Medical Miracle! Quintuplet Peep siblings, conjoined at birth, have been separated through this daring application of modern medicine!
- Fear Response: Discover what causes this dramatic Peep behavior.
Literature Review: All research must be taken in the context of other related studies. Here you may find many of the Web sites exploring a variety of issues critical to the understanding of the average grocery aisle.
As seen on CNN! Take a look at the segment which CNN ran about our research on Friday, April 10, 1998. Look soon, because I don't know how long this clip will be around.
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