'THE COVER-UP'
AUDIO https://www.mixcloud.com/LargeAcresTriangle/large-acres-triangle-episode-1/ Click on this
Intro -- the dogs are barking.
Ernie -- 'There's that dog, it must be the Witch Annie'
Maureen -- 'Oh yes, it's her alright, she's okay about taking it for a walkie, but that pooper stuff is absolutely beneath her. She reckons only that poor people should do that, by law too!
Ernie -- 'It's a pity we don't have any of those Witchfinder Laws and Matthew Hopkins, she deserves a bit of duckin' and a go in the iron maiden too.'
A MOTORBIKE IS REVVING LOUDLY
'Don't mind the sounds of the motorbike, Maureen, Poser Prince Will Hyams is showing off again, there ain't nothin' he can't do, and he lets you know about it whether or not. Whenever he has company he's the top guy and he lets everyone know it.'
Maureen -- 'What a bore!'
Ernie -- 'Precisely, a real plonker.'
Maureen -- I saw Fatman Captain Nelson acting furtively the other day, his diet isn't really working. He's got more front in that shirt than the jetty at Eastbourne.'
Ernie -- 'A bit wet too!'
Maureen -- 'More like slippery, the cops missed him staggering out of his car and across the green.'
Ernie -- 'Has anyone reported him for that?'
Maureen -- 'Ooh no, not round here, and certainly not in Large Acres. They tend to think he's above the law, and when you see some of them, it's not surprising.'
Ernie -- 'There must be some kind of cover-up, the guy must wear flame-proof shorts, and boy are they flame-proof, it's Humpty Dumpty gone wrong.'
Maureen -- 'They say he plays golf, something to do with acquired upmanship. He's heavily into status, and when he's not sinking any ships with his drinking, he's up in the clubhouse telling everyone how wonderful he is.'
Ernie -- 'Maybe so, Maureen, but there's someone in the village helping the Triangle cover-up his law breaking. It's just like when that new bloke was arrested, it all went quiet and nothing more happened. This lot must have friends on the council and police. I said to you before, the bar-stewards know whose palms they must grease, and that's what we must look into, Maureen.......help yourself to a brew, I think there's still one more in the pot, I should have topped it up before you arrived.'
Maureen -- 'Oh, I'm okay, Ernie, I've dosed myself up on coffee, I tend to tea it a bit too much anyway.'
THE SOUND OF CUPS AND CROCKERY
Ernie -- 'Is that my newspaper you have there?'
Maureen -- 'Yes, here you are' (she passes it to Ernie)
THE SOUND OD PAPER RUSTLING
Ernie -- 'Nothin' much in here, Maureen.'
Maureen -- 'There never is, Ernie, they never come down here for a story do they!'
Ernie -- 'Any news on our local tart, Prissy Hat?'
Maureen --- 'Not much sad to say, she's still doing the rounds playing the village luvvy, and doing dam all for anyone else.'
Ernie -- 'No change there then, I bet she's still in short skirts looking like mutton dressed as lamb, a rather sad case.'
Maureen -- 'I think it's a kind of affliction, the poor dear is convinced that she's still young and looking good or sic as they say these days, no one in Large Acres has the guts to tell her the truth.'
Ernie -- 'Truth! that lot wouldn't even know it if it came up and bit them on the ass. Nearly all of them are into that clique thing. I heard from Bill the Postmaster, that her and the hubby keep disappearing and closing the palace for a day or two. Tight lipped, tight arsed, and a little bit like the Tightwads, no room even for a mini to get past.'
Maureen -- 'Sounds like they've bought another pad, they're into property and possessions, it's all show and no substance.'
Ernie -- 'They're very secretive, Maureen, I don't think they'd tell anyone, not even their fellow members of the Triangle. They've tarted up their place and lit it up like that fairground in Clacton.'
Maureen -- 'Yes, I did hear something about a load of blue lights....something you'd expect of fairies.'
Ernie -- 'They used to have all these vans and lorries arriving, parking everywhere except on their own property.... they don't give a monkey who they trample on.'
Maureen -- 'I think that Captain Nelson does the same thing, Ernie. Whatever Prince Poser does, he soon follows.'
Ernie -- 'Yeah, you've got that right, it's hard to tell who is the worst.'
Maureen -- 'They both copy each other, and I've heard they get together now and again, and like Witch Annie, make regular house calls to chat with that Prissy Hat.'
Ernie -- 'I did hear on the grapevine that Captain Nelson's boy, the big one, is trying for his diploma in computer skills.....and considering he's up half the night, he must have visited most of the porn sites by now.'
Maureen -- 'I'd heard that too, and I thought it was to do with this Isis thing and dark religious fanatics. Dawn at the Cafe says the kids are doing it as research for the Academy School homework project.'
Ernie -- 'Who knows, he might be packing his bag soon and making his way to join them.'
Maureen -- 'I had thought of having that meat pie for my dinner, but it's a little bit off now.'
Ernie -- 'Not the only thing around here that's off, we've got to keep vigilant, these lot aren't trustworthy. Billy visited me the other week and remarked that Hellsey was the village of the dead, and that couldn't be denied!'
Maureen -- 'Luckily Ernie, we haven't the same disease.'
Ernie -- 'Dishonesty and poor morals?'
Maureen -- 'Yes, I suppose you could say that.'
Ernie -- 'It's the plain truth, Maureen, the truth and nothin' but the truth, now where have I heard that before?'
Maureen -- 'I did notice they're big into caravans, Ernie. I did once have a holiday in one but found it quite awful really, it's supposed to be the poor man's alternative so I hear, but you can't say that of Large Acres can you?'
Ernie -- 'Not at all old girl, this lot have got money, and charity begins at home with them. One young chap down on his luck found that out quickly when the Tightwads shoved the door in his face.'
Maureen -- 'Ooh that's not nice, Ernie.'
Ernie -- 'Nice they ain't, you'd be hard pressed to find another bunch of nasties around here, and the Triangle are well versed in the ways of evil, Maureen.'
Maureen -- 'I think you're right, Ernie, I've not heard anything else to beat that in Hellsey.'
Ernie -- 'You won't, Maureen, but there's others that aren't far behind in this village of the dead. They just keep their heads down and wait for the right moment.'
THE TELEPHONE RINGS
Maureen -- 'Your telephone is ringing, Ernie, that could be, Sid, that spy you have at GCHQ, or maybe that sad bloke, the squeak at Hellsey Life.'
Ernie -- 'It's more likely to be those pratts in a call centre, somewhere in Singapore.'
Maureen -- 'Is it right that the Bakersman got another car, the one with a specialised number plate?'
Ernie -- 'Indeed it is old girl, a big one to show off his ego, and you know what they say about little blokes and big cars!'
Maureen -- 'Yes, I've heard it said, and it's often quite true so I hear.'
Ernie -- 'With him definitely, he had to have his fans come and look at it, a bloody big car for one little know-it-all bloke.'
Maureen -- 'What's old Witch Annie up to lately?'
Ernie -- 'I got a sighting of her plotting something with that tart Prissy Hat, and she's thick with Fatman Captain Nelson and his missus.....and there's a lot of that in the Large Acres Triangle. She's always doting on the kids of the do-gooders a few doors down,....something not right there. We'll have to keep an eye on that situation.'
Maureen -- 'Do you want me to keep logging the times?'
Ernie -- 'Absolutely old girl, we need to know all the players in the cover-up, one of them is the leader, and I've got a good idea who it is. Fatman Captain Nelson ain't the brightest penny in the box even though he tries to make out that he is.'
Maureen -- 'He could have someone on the council or in the golf club who's pulling some strings for him.'
Ernie -- 'Maybe, but I don't think so, it's best to keep an eye on the Tightwads, and the ones next door to Poser Prince Will Hyams. There's a link there and we shouldn't miss it, Maureen.'
Maureen -- 'These cover-ups are incredibly sneaky, no wonder really considering who's involved.'
Ernie -- 'Sneaky doesn't really describe it old girl, it's downright corrupt and deceitful, that's what it is.'
Maureen -- 'Well, Ernie, it's time I went home, I'll be back tomorrow at the usual time.'
Ernie -- 'Indeed old girl, I'll see you tomorrow.'
THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN (to fade out on the episode)