SCRIPT 7 EPISODE 7

THE TIGHTWADS MYSTERY

AUDIO CLICK HERE https://www.mixcloud.com/LargeAcresTriangle/large-acres-triangle-episode-7/

THE INTRODUCTORY PIECE

Ernie. 'Talk about a closed shop, Maureen, that Sue Graveyard must have her hands in the right pockets of Hellsey, and some of the people there. There's no competition whatsoever when that flake cloud 99 do one of those awful musicals and plays.'

Maureen. 'I had noticed that myself, Ernie, and its not just Sue Graveyard, they're up to shady business on the local council too!'

Ernie. 'Yes, I was aware of that, I know a few names that come to mind in that department, and a friend of mine sat on one of those committees and witnessed some rum goings-on.'

Maureen. 'Did it involve money, Ernie?'

Ernie. 'It did, and a bit of false accounting to boot. One minute there was an allowance for that, and then it mysteriously disappeared.'

Maureen. 'Did anyone raise the matter, Ernie?'

Ernie. 'They did old girl, but they got the old brush off and ignorance bit.'

Maureen. 'Mind you, Ernie, I did hear on the grapevine, that that SACOS thing in the village is finding it hard to recruit new folk, its actually losing them!'

Ernie. 'No surprise there, Maureen, one guy I had the misfortune to know, Mr Showbiz -- the Neil Diamond copyist, continues to see himself as their star turn, which is a joke.'

Maureen. 'Oh yes, I know who you're talking about, he once sat near to a guy who told him he was rubbish, and he didn't like that one bit.'

Ernie. 'Another ego blown, eh Maureen, it couldn't happen to a more deserving bloke. What goes around comes around, and they never see that.'

Maureen. 'Of course, they're fond of forming these committees, Ernie, I found myself on one without even being asked. The woman assumed I'd do it, but I reckon she was up to something. It folded within a short time having big ideas which never saw the light of day, and it could have cost a lot of money, which I don't think she had at all.'

Ernie. 'You were lucky there, Maureen, if you'd been on that 'white elephant' shmitty, you might have been a patsy for the debt had it gone bust owing a lot of money.'

Maureen. 'Ooh yes, I hadn't thought of that, she could have landed me in a lot of trouble, and she probably wouldn't have cared at all about it.'

Ernie. 'No, I doubt it very much, some of these Hellsey business lot aren't to be trusted. They're okay if they're using other people's money, and that's precisely how they like to play it.'

Maureen. 'I've noticed there's a lot of things these people in Hellsey say they are going to do which never happens... and why do they do it, Ernie?'

Ernie. 'It's for show, Maureen, all mouth and trousers sort of thing. In many cases they have no intention of following it through, it was dead before it started, much like the people themselves!'

Maureen. 'Ooh Ernie, you really know how to sock it to 'em, I'm glad I'm on your side.'

Ernie. 'You've got that right old girl, the folk around here are mostly fence-sittters and two-faced, something I've got used to, so I know how to deal with them and their fake smiles.'

Maureen. 'I bet you have, Ernie, since knowing you I've started to pick up on that and I'm shocked to find out its all around me.'

Ernie. 'No committees for me, Maureen, and no fraternising with the enemy too, and as we're in the detecting business, I guess you'd like to know more about the Tightwads Mystery?'

Maureen. 'Oh yes, I was hoping you'd get around to that. It's been on my mind for the past few days.'

Ernie. 'Well, get yourself a cuppa, sit yourself down, and then I'll treat you to all the details, this thing is going to amaze you old girl.'

Maureen. 'Ooh I can't wait, you've got me all in a giddy.'

THERE'S A SOUND OF CUPS AND SAUCERS.

Ernie. 'Well, before we get right into this, the members of the Tightwad family of which I think is four, think they've done no wrong? a usual claim and response by Insider Traders under investigation, and they tend not to see their actions as fraud when it is, Maureen.'

Maureen. 'I think it is, Ernie, because they rig things to take advantage of a financial situation that benefits them so I'm told.'

Ernie. 'And you've been told right, Maureen, the Financial Authorities do not agree with this notion or excuse, and many of these rogue traders have been jailed for working the system that disadvantages investors who trust these people to be honourable, and the Tightwads cannot claim to be that at all.'

Maureen. 'Many pensioners and hard working people lose out to people like that don't they, Ernie?'

Ernie. 'They certainly do, and a lot of these rogues on the stocks and shares thing were caught out in that Libor Scandal, and that involved some eye-watering sums.'

Maureen. 'Yes, Ernie, I heard about that on the News at the time, and it wasn't just the big spenders caught out either, there were small investors too.'

Ernie. 'Indeed there was, and that scandal involved the U.S. and Europe.'

Maureen. 'So what of the Tightwads, what were they doing?'

Ernie. 'Well, in this case, something less, but it was still underhand and playing the market by unfair means with the sole intention of raking in cash to disadvantage others.'

Maureen. 'And what kind of con were they doing, Ernie/'

Ernie. 'Theirs was low-level, the sort that could hide for longer so I'm told. Tightwad was moving low stake commodities to another company intending to raise capital via a share placement scheme and avoided a loss that he'd been warned about in regard to his holding. The other party had no idea that these shares would prove to be worthless when Tightwad manipulated the figures to make them look financially good.'

Maureen. 'Ooh, that sounds despicable, Ernie, what a horrid thing to do....somebody always loses and they don't care.'

Ernie. 'They never do, Maureen, its business to them, many of the ups and downs in the stock market rely on rumour and dodgy moves, often intended to benefit a client, but the rogue inside trader like Tightwad sees this as an opportunity to profit themselves.'

Maureen. 'Its like robbery, Ernie, they remind me of thieves and leeches, and it really makes me angry.'

Ernie. 'The Tightwads are a different breed, Maureen, they've concealed the wealth and avoided splashing out on expensive stuff. But every now and then they zoom off on short holidays and keep other holding quite secret so that they appear moderate.'

Maureen. 'Yes, I have noticed that, Ernie, and thought it very strange at times, but I would never have guessed they had anything to do with Insider Trading.'

Ernie. 'Its not something that you can see especially if you're not looking for it, and the Tightwads are pretty good at it.'

Maureen. 'I bet they are, they've got the support of The Large Acres Triangle, and as we know, they're a corrupt lot.'

Ernie. 'Corrupt is mild, Maureen, this lot are the masters of deception, and they'd never give up the Tightwads no matter obscene they acted....they have no principles at all.'

Maureen. 'So what's happening about the Tightwads, Ernie, are they being brought to book over what they've been doing?'

Ernie. 'Well, as far as I know, its all being handled by the Financial Services Authority and the Serious Fraud Office in the city. I expect they've got a lot of investigations to do on them both here and on the continent.'

Maureen. 'Yes, I suppose so, Ernie, these things can take a long time, so I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens.'

Ernie. 'Yes, old girl, the mystery of the Tightwads may look clear for now, but its far from over, and we shall keep our file open on this matter until we hear the outcome and mark our file as solved or closed.'

Maureen. 'Oh dear me, there's so much local thievery going on that nobody cares or does anything about it. They're all in each others pockets, there's hardly anyone you can trust now!'

Ernie. 'A perfectly reasonable conclusion, Maureen. I did hear a rumour that the Chichester Press were corrupt, and bribes were mentioned in certain quarters, so its best to steer clear of these so-called newspaper people, not that we're going to tell them about our cases, or talk to them anytime soon.'

Maureen. 'Ooh yes, I agree with you on that, Ernie, that Herald thing before them just disappeared, and they weren't up to much either.'

Ernie. 'Yes, and that was a mystery too!'

Maureen. 'So, what's our next case, Ernie? I think you told me, but my memory isn't as sharp as it used to be.'

Ernie. 'It's Captain Nelson's new scam, I think he's going to be one of the more prolific evil-doers in the Triangle.'

Maureen. 'I thought he was that already, Ernie, I can't stand the man at all.'

TEA THINGS RATTLING AS MAUREEN TIDY'S UP

Ernie. 'Yes, Mr Blobby, the golf playing Humpty Dumpty of Large Acres, a fine figure of a man if you're tempted by junk food and lack all credibility in the appearance stakes!'

Maureen. 'Oh I know, but most of it is down to his drinking, I'm sure of that.'

Ernie. 'Strangely enough, Poser Prince Will Hyams and local tart Prissy Hat have been keeping a low profile of sorts, and I can't think why?'

Maureen. 'I think I know, Ernie, but it won't last, they're too addicted to posing and having builders round for this and that.'

Ernie. 'Indeed they are, but one's got to keep the palace up to scratch so that the serfs and peasants can see which is the main house in the Triangle.'

Maureen. 'I did get a whiff on another thing happening in Hellsey, Ernie. That lot calling itself SACOS which puts on shows is having recruiting problems, people are dropping out, and the situation is said to be desperate.'

Ernie. 'That doesn't surprise me, Maureen, that's Hellsey down to a T. -- Desperate!'

Maureen. 'Well, I've drunk too much tea today, and I ought to be making my way home, Ernie.'

Ernie. 'Oh dear, I didn't know we'd come to that time already, old girl. If you've got to go, you gotta go. But watch out for low flying broomsticks and wicked Witch Annie, she might be out on her kiddy patrol and looking for her special one.'

Maureen. 'Oh yes, I will, I keep wondering what that is all about, liking someone else's kid and showering gifts on him.'

Ernie. 'Not to worry, Maureen, we'll keep an eye on that, and the Bakersman too, we can wait, we have the time.'

Maureen. 'Yes I know, but its time for me to go now, Ernie. I'll just take the tea things through to the kitchen on my way out, Bye for now, Ernie.'

Ernie. 'Bye, Maureen, take care and I'll see you next week.'

FADE OUT AND END