'LIARS AND CHEATS'
Audio Here https://www.mixcloud.com/LargeAcresTriangle/large-acres-triangle-episode-12/
Opening Introduction
Ernie. 'Oh there you are, Maureen. I didn't hear you come in due to all that barking, they've gone barking mad in the Triangle. It seems to be a status symbol to see who can have the best dog.'
Maureen. 'Yes, quite so, Ernie, I heard the racket myself as I was coming in. The only one who hasn't got one is that Poser Prince, he's not too hot on pets unless you can count the young tartlet of course (laughter)
Ernie. 'Mmm, you could well be right there, she certainly qualifies.'
Maureen. 'So what's new, Ernie, what are we doing this month?'
Ernie. 'Well, today its the great roundup and stuff on the Triangle. I'm hoping they'll be rooting for another series, or else its the Fawlty Towers thing with just twelve episodes.'
Maureen. 'I'm up for more, Ernie, I feel like we've only just started really. A break is okay, but I don't want to leave it just there at twelve, there's enough powder in the keg to do a few more.'
Ernie. 'Did I ever mention Poser Prince Will Hyams vicious attack on a pensioner, when he ridiculously called out the police?'
Maureen. 'Ooh no, Ernie, I've not heard that in this series, do we have a file on that?'
Ernie. 'Oh yes, its in the files, and as we say on this show, it reveals more than you'd expect on a man that tries to make out he's wonderful, and that's the awful lie here!'
Maureen. 'Well it is, Ernie, especially picking on a pensioner, that's beneath contempt.'
Ernie. 'It sure is, but that's his nature. The pensioner accused him of tampering with a plant that had mysteriously succumbed, much like the one before it, and without any real reason other than being prematurely killed off!'
Maureen. 'And what led the pensioner to think that it was Poser Prince, Ernie?'
Ernie. 'Well, geographically, it's close to the 'Palace'.....far too close really, and Poser Prince is often out there in his ridiculous shorts doing this and that, which sometimes includes 'weeding', Maureen.'
Maureen. 'Oh yes, I get the picture now, Ernie, its beginning to make sense.'
Ernie. 'My own thoughts are like this, Maureen. Who are the suspects here? and who have the best reasons to harm the plant, and logically I can only come to one who stands out on motive and opportunity.'
Maureen. 'Yes, I see what you mean, Ernie, the others in the Triangle couldn't get near enough really, so I'd support the pensioner in this.'
Ernie. 'As I do too, Maureen, but he went off in a fury at the mere suggestion and rang the police. However, luckily the mission to cause the pensioner a lot of trouble failed, and anyone reasonable would see it was doomed to failure right from the beginning, but he was too thick to see it.'
Maureen. 'Oh, I'm glad of that, Ernie, and was there anymore on that?'
Ernie. 'Well yes, and you'll find it rather amusing. They suggested a sort of mediation thing, but they got a shock when the pensioner turned it down, and I for one don't blame them. Who wants to make up and be friendly with a snake?'
Maureen. 'Mind you, that Bakersman rather likes keeping in with him, I've noticed that when I visit you, Ernie.'
Ernie. 'Yes, you're right, to show his solidarity, the faithful Bakersman gives his little wave to Poser Prince as he walks by or drives in. He's got to show that he hasn't forgotten the Triangle's secret sign like that of the Freemasons, and no doubt that might be the bond between the Tightwads, Nelson, Witch Annie that keeps them together.'
Maureen. 'I've seen that too, and its almost a dead give away of their loyalty to each other, Ernie, it really is.'
Ernie. 'Well, that's how I read it, Maureen, and its going down as a fact in the files.'
Maureen. 'I'm not surprised really, that Bakersman is a dubious character at the best of times. You never know who's side he's on until you see something like that.'
Ernie. 'Precisely, he's one to beware of....Mr Nice! with a touch of poison, the type that plays both sides to make sure he looks good.....what a shifty sod, eh?'
Maureen. 'Yes, I can't disagree with that, Ernie, I've thought that for quite a while.'
Ernie. 'Mind you, there's Fatman Captain Nelson, and he has his close friends at hand if he requires help or an alibi, and his wife who is always ready to deny anything levelled against him. But she rarely shows her hand, and that's what I have a problem with, she seems above board, but I could be wrong.'
Maureen. 'Yes, I know what you mean, he could well be up to another scam, and anyone as arrogant as him won;t stop because of us, because he's got family cover and club contacts besides the Triangle. Some say around here that it's the Peninsula network thing.'
Ernie. 'Correct, Maureen, he's not going to get off that lightly. I was talking to a guy who dropped a few hints into my lap about his drinking and obnoxious behaviour, which just goes to show you that a leopard doesn't change its spots.'
Maureen. 'Not with Fatman Captain Nelson I'm sure, and that leads me to another joke...well two actually now that I come to think of it. So can I do one now and save the other for later?'
Ernie. 'Indeed you can old girl, the sooner the better, we've got lots to get through!'
Maureen. 'What's filled with gas, rarely floats and has lots of useless baggage?'
Ernie. 'Fatman Nelson of course!' (laughter)
Maureen. 'Yes, you've got it, I thought you would.'
Ernie. 'Too easy, Maureen, but don't worry, you'll get another chance in a short while.'
Maureen. 'What's become of that pair of News Hacks, Melomina and Tracerino, the two-faced ones we had the misfortune to trust in?'
Ernie. 'Well, its business as usual, money first and loyalty second, which tends to meet in the same place, and there's not much loyalty around these days. They're best forgotten and avoided.'
Maureen. 'And what about the Large Acres drummer boy, the scumdrum kid as you call him?' (drum sounds)
Ernie. 'You're talking obscurity here, Maureen, he's a nobody kid on his way to the musicians scrap heap, so we won't bother about him in this episode, he's rubbish!'
Maureen. 'Yes, I'm with you on that, Ernie, so what the other assorted villains?'
Ernie. 'Good name there, Maureen. We do have the ever-busy Do-Gooders with their cynical approach to becoming 'saints' with hollow halos, which rages day by day in what seems to be a futile attempt to become the village favourites....little realising their deception has been uncovered for many months. The spawn of which chooses to engage in dubious pleasures related to social media, ever friendly weed, ....and a certain Witch who's call they must obey!'
Maureen. 'Ooh I know, and it does sound awful, but I've heard that she can wrap the chosen one around her finger and have him under her spell, he's very impressionable.'
Ernie. 'She's always known that, Maureen, she never misses a trick. She's long known that he craves attention and often sees things from a skewed vision, and that's precisely why she focuses her attentions on him.'
Maureen. 'Yes, I've never liked that aspect, it really bothers me.'
Ernie. 'The Brood are there for Witch Annie whenever she calls them, it's all very reminiscent of the Pied Piper and Fagin's boys.'
Maureen. 'Is Wicked Witch Annie still reversing her broomstick into her neighbour's space, Ernie?'
Ernie. 'Indeed she is, and it's quite regular, Maureen.'
Maureen. 'I meant car really, but broomstick sounds better.'
Ernie. 'Yes it does, but what's not right here is that the neighbour doesn't reverse into the front of her house, not ever. She assumes she's got every right to use their space as a turning area, and even a parking space for her guests and relatives.'
Maureen. 'Oh yes, the Large Acres thing, what's yours is mine, and what's mine is my own.'
Ernie. 'Top oh old girl, very similar to the strange manoeuvres case we have where certain others in the Triangle play 'Parking Games' like deliberately getting out the car and placing it so that it uses a space one of the others uses, which then causes upset, obviously aimed at the newcomers. But that's another case, so we shall leave that to the next series.'
Maureen. 'It sounds very interesting, I'll look forward to that.'
Ernie. 'I must say there are those 'Lap Dog' moments when one sees the 'Do-Gooders' boy run towards Witch Annie's house on seeing the Bakersman arrive, and one which begs the question Why?'
Maureen. 'Well, apart from being her favourite, that's one of those things I can't quite make out, even though I've considered all the rational alternatives.... and they don't fit here!'
Ernie. 'Me too, Maureen, there's something definitely not right as you would say, and when you see the Bakersman taking the kid out quite frequently in his car, another question pops itself into your head almost immediately.'
Maureen. 'You're so right, Ernie, especially as I've said on many occasions, the kid isn't even related to him or Witch Annie.... and these days you have to be fully vetted when it comes to being with minors, especially not your own!'
Ernie. 'Well, they don't seem to offer their Grandson the same attention, he's just out of the picture altogether.... and the 'Chosen One' can't seem to stay away from them.'
Maureen. 'That's not good, it wouldn't do for me.'
Ernie. 'The newcomers had one of their cctv cameras tampered with, and it wouldn't surprise me if she had the boy try and remove it.'
Maureen. 'Well, she's right next to it, so what is she afraid of? and what doesn't she want the camera to see eh?'
Ernie. 'More mystery, Maureen, and it brings to mind another thing if my memory serves me right. There was this naive guy in Hellsey who got caught up in the Patrick Moore thing thinking it would be easy to set up a group of avid like-minded enthusiasts, and when he advertised for members in the heart of this supposedly kingpin of 'Stars at Night' he didn't even get one reply!'
Maureen. 'That doesn't surprise me, Ernie, this lot in Hellsey are a real shower, no backbone even when it comes to their legend of stargazing. They planned to have a big centre on the beach in his memory, but it was scrapped, and that Brian May also pulled out, so that tells you all you need to know about hot air and empty words, that's Hellsey for you. Have I got time for one last joke, Ernie?'
Ernie. 'We can make time, Maureen, go for it now!'
Maureen. 'Someone said they were taking me to see The Blob, and I said I'd already seen it. I thought they meant Fatman Nelson, but was later told it was a Sci-fi horror film.....so I suppose it's similar?'
Ernie. 'Now that's new, and a fitting finale too!'
Maureen. 'I've no doubt that there are many more people in Large Acres who actively support The Triangle of Evil, Ernie, and its a seathing disease that needs to be exposed. I just hope we get to do a second series.'
Ernie. 'Me too old girl, I think we've got more than enough in the case files to go on, I'm sure of it.'
Maureen. 'Well, I'm not ready to retire yet, I'm staying with you. We can't let The Triangle and Hellsey's damned off the hook, we've got to fight on and remove the decay and deceit.'
Ernie. 'Yes, Maureen, there's more than enough of that around, and sadly its just the tip of the iceberg. I still recall the case of that theatre luvvy Graveyard Sue, we're dealing with liars and cheats old girl.'
Maureen. 'That we are, but its time I was off, Ernie, and do give me a call if we get another series, I've enjoyed this one a lot.'
Ernie. 'Me too, Maureen, we're not through yet.....see you soon and bye for now.'
Maureen. 'Bye Bye.'
THE END.