SCRIPT 6 EPISODE 6

EPISODE 6 'THE BAKERSMAN AFFAIR'

AUDIO CLICK HERE https://www.mixcloud.com/LargeAcresTriangle/large-acres-triangle-episode-6/

ERNIE IS ON THE TYPEWRITER ......

ERNIE - 'Is that you, Maureen?'

MAUREEN - 'Yes, its me, Ernie, I'll be with you as soon as I've hung up my coat and put my bag on the chair.'

ERNIE - 'I'll be through with this in a minute, so come in and settle down, don't mind the mess, I've been sorting out some of the notes and stuff for our case next month.'

MAUREEN . - 'Okay, Ernie, I'll not make a sound until you're through with what you're doing.'

ERNIE. 'Put the kettle on if you like, unless you prefer one of my percolated coffees!'

MAUREEN - 'I'll stick to tea at this time of day, and then come straight through when you've stopped what you're doing.'

SOUND OF TYPEWRITER BEGINS AGAIN.

ERNIE. 'It's done now, and I'm glad of it. Those Tightwads are a bit of a mystery, but its coming together despite the areas of conjecture, but it'll do for me old girl.'

MAUREEN . 'Yes, I know, I get the same way at times and the sort out is horrendous!'

ERNIE 'Absolutely true, Maureen, what's the news from the grapevine?'

MAUREEN. 'Well, I hear they're having more trouble from the kids and teenagers near Pagham and Bognor. Jane next door said its being ignored by the authorities because they don't want to encroach on the kids rights?'

ERNIE. 'Oh yes, that old chestnut, those poor little darlings, the precious brats of the all-giving parents, there's plenty of them in Hellsey letting their kids do as they please.'

MAUREEN. 'Nothing will change, Ernie, it's how things are today, there's no limit to what the kids can have. Most of them have got one of those smart phones or I thingamyjigs and the parents pay for the running costs and calls they make.'

ERNIE. 'Did you know that Melamina and Tracerino were double agents and working for the Triangle?'

MAUREEN. 'No, Ernie, I'm shocked by that, they seemed such nice girls, who'd have thought it? You just can't trust anyone.'

ERNIE. 'No, you can't, and it proves my point,... behind every smile there lurks the possibility of an enemy, and the close ones are the worst.'

MAUREEN. 'I was talking to Marje and she told me about that Insurance bloke in Hellsey, the one who's into everything and wants to be a bit of a celebrity. She says he swings both ways and can cut you out in favour of someone he's using to enhance his own position.'

ERNIE. 'Ah, yes, I know the guy you mean, Mr Wonderful, the man for all occasions not unlike his insurance. I don't insure with him and I've never considered doing so, at anytime!'

MAUREEN. 'Me too, he's got his fingers in everything, and that doesn't sit right with me at all, Ernie.'

ERNIE. 'Mind you, that's the way in Hellsey, they're all intertwined and up to this and that until there's a bust-up, and then they put it up on that Hellsey news and gossip webpage type thing.'

MAUREEN. 'Yes, I've seen it, Ernie, it can get quite heated at times. They put things on it and can remain anonymous which is rather sneaky and all too easy to do, its a bit cowardish!'

ERNIE. 'Have you heard of that term 'IN PLAIN SIGHT' Maureen, and do you know what it means?'

MAUREEN. 'No, Ernie, I don't think I have, is this relevant to The Bakersman Affair, and is this where we're going?'

ERNIE. It is old girl, plain sight means you can do something shifty without anyone being aware because they assume you're behaving normally, and they can't tell the difference.'

MAUREEN. 'Is that down to them not watching, or have I got that wrong again?'

ERNIE. 'Not exactly, it's a mixture of several factors, mainly hoodwink and doing something that has the appearance of being normal, when in fact you've tailored circumstances to be routine in order to cover-up the real situation.'

MAUREEN. 'And is that what the Bakersman has been doing?'

ERNIE. 'Yep, it certainly is, and he's been having the affair for a number of years without anyone noticing it.'

MAUREEN. 'I bet the old trouble and strife won't be too pleased with the situation, but then again, she has her mind on other things that we both know of!'

ERNIE. 'Oh, she knows alright, it seems to be an affair of convenience. His car goes off for a couple of days almost every week and nobody in the Triangle realises what he's up to, and I reckon she's got a cover story to allay their suspicious minds anyway.'

MAUREEN. 'Oh yes, knowing her she will have got that covered from day one, she's quite a sneaky character herself.'

ERNIE. 'More than sneaky, Maureen, she's one of the Large Acres Triangle Operators, a nasty cow that soon spreads gossip about anyone who she doesn't like.'

MAUREEN. 'Yes, I know that, Ernie, do go on with the case.'

ERNIE. 'Well, as I was going to say, the Bakersman's coming and goings did alert old Digby who happened to see his big show-off car in a lay-by not far from Emsworth in the Garden Green, Southbourne area. There's plenty of places to hide there.'

MAUREEN. 'And why would he be in that area other than to meet another woman?'

ERNIE. 'Well, there's two answers there, Maureen. He's there for this other woman or possibly women.....and he's got some relatives in the Portsmouth area too, and you can take that Emsworth back road to the Hayling roundabout and go from there, so he's able to pull the wool over your eyes if you're not careful.'

MAUREEN. 'Oh I see, how does Digby know that it's the Bakersman's car, he hasn't got one that's amazingly different.'

ERNIE. 'Digby knows the number plate, Bakersman has got one of those that has his initials in the display....quite typical for a little guy with a big ego.'

MAUREEN. 'Ooh I didn't know that, but I'm not very car-minded unless it's one of those supercars we hear of.'

ERNIE. 'Well, apart from the number plate, Digby knows him by sight, and he got a good look at the woman, and he's absolutely sure it wasn't the wife, and this is the second time he's seen them together.'

MAUREEN. 'Was that in the same place, Ernie,or somewhere else?'

ERNIE. 'It was actually down in Bosham where they have that tourist thing, the Abbey. The Bakersman turned his head when Digby and his missus got there,....he said it was rather awkward, but when he got closer he saw the car heading off in the Broadbridge direction, and they were both in it, the mystery woman and him.'

MAUREEN. 'Well, well, that certainly shows he was up to something, no wonder he plays at a safe distance from Hellsey.'

ERNIE. 'Yes, it clears up the mystery of all those trips he makes during the week. Who knows, he might just be a bigamist, one cannot rule that out these days.'

MAUREEN. 'Oh dear, one hears about that with bored married men, and looking at Hellsey, I can see that its possible.'

ERNIE. 'Very likely I'd say, what else have they got to do in the village of the damned.... apart from congregating in the Legion Club where dullsville reaches amazing heights.'

BOOZE UP AND DRUNKEN SINGING BEGINS

MAUREEN. 'Isn't that one of those working men's club places, booze, common people and bingo etc?'

ERNIE. 'Yes, you've got it, Maureen, a place to avoid if you've got a brain and a sense of individualism.'

MAUREEN. 'There's been some other nastiness and queer goings on in Hellsey, Ernie, and it's quite a tragedy really.'

ERNIE. 'To my way of reckoning, Maureen, there are two tragedies in Hellsey. One is to be Fatman Captain Nelson, and the other is to be mistaken for him, ... and what is the definition of tragedy?....well, its to be associated with him.'

MAUREEN. 'Well, yes, I can see that, Ernie, but I was going to tell you more.'

THE CUCKOO CLOCK GOES OFF

ERNIE. 'Oh sorry old girl, do go on.'

MAUREEN. 'According to the Hellsey gossip, a woman was arrested for GBH, and someone said the Hellsey Council should be shut down to save money, and.... two young children were left out in the cold for an hour, and nobody took a blind bit of notice!

ERNIE. 'Oh yes, I did get a whiff of that story, the guy Paul seemed to be surprised about it, saying the folk of Hellsey had no manners or decency. And he said he hoped everyone who did this are feeling disgusted with their behaviour, but I guess they aren't.'

MAUREEN. 'No, I expect not, that attitude seems to be all around us, and not just in the Large Acres Triangle.'

ERNIE. 'Well, its not just the folk around these parts, Maureen. I was reading about the Chichester Police and how they arrested a worker at one of those big posh houses. They went over to Portsmouth, grabbed him, stripped him and threw him into the cells for twelve hours...and never apologised to him later when they dropped the case against him. He ought to sue them....they're such a shameful lot.'

MAUREEN. 'Yes, that's awful, but I hear that kind of thing happens a lot and they keep quiet about it.'

ERNIE. 'They do if they think they can get away with it, Maureen, it's not the first time for the Sussex Cops, they've got history, and they're saying very little about it.'

MAUREEN. 'What's happening with Witch Annie? is she still doting on that kid?'

ERNIE. 'Yes, and there's no sign of it ending. She rarely has anything to do with her own grandchild, and that's the peculiar thing about the situation.'

MAUREEN. 'It doesn't sound right at all does it. I don't know how she gets away with it. I don't, and the Bakersman affair.'

ERNIE. 'Ah yes, the affair, we shall have to leave that for now and come back to it when we know more. Digby will no doubt keep us up to speed on that situation.'

MAUREEN. 'What's the next thing on our list, Ernie?'

ERNIE. 'It's the Tightwads Mystery, and that will take some believing, Maureen, there's plenty going on in that corner, more than you'd expect really.'

MAUREEN. 'Oh Wow, that's got me going, Ernie, I'm all of a flutter and can't wait to hear about it.'

ERNIE. 'All in good time old girl, we've still got a long way to go with this lot, and things could turn a bit ugly!'

MAUREEN. 'Ooh you don't say, I thought they were ugly enough already, Ernie.'

ERNIE. 'They are, but they don't like what we're doing. They've tried one move already to get at us with the help of Tracerino and Melamina, but that was pathetic and backfired on them. We're out to tell the people about this lot, and even Wikipedia are listing us now.'

MAUREEN. 'It's all very exciting, but it's time I was going home now, Ernie. Is there anything you need me to do?'

ERNIE. 'Nothing that can't wait, just keep your ear to the ground and mind how you go, we're a team and I don't want to lose you.'

MAUREEN. 'Oh you won't, Ernie, I'm rather enjoying this and I'm not going until you tell me, but, I am going home, so bye for now.'

ERNIE. 'Yes, Maureen, Bye.

FADING OUT TO END.