EPISODE 3 -- 'THE POISON PEN LETTERS '
AUDIO CLICK HERE https://www.mixcloud.com/LargeAcresTriangle/large-acres-triangle-episode-3/
ERNIE IS ON THE TYPEWRITER
Ernie -- 'I'm just finishing off those reports you gave me on the hidden crime reports in Hellsey, Maureen. I'll be finished with the typewriter in a jiffy old girl.'
Maureen -- 'I'll file them for you, Ernie and just make sure they're okay by doing a bit of proof-reading.'
Ernie -- 'Well, I'll read them to you, Maureen. First we have - Two visitors from Crawley attacked by Hellsey mob. On New Years Eve two visitors left the Crown Inn after an altercation, only to be ambushed by locals who later disappeared into the night. 'Restless Hellsey Youth robbed and assaulted boy of 13. He was knocked to the ground and hit repeatedly by several teenage boys who stole his mobile, headphones, and the cash in his pocket, in the area of Manor Green Park. 'Knifepoint robbery in Hellsey, two men threatened staff at the Tyre and Battery Centre. Woman assaulted in Hellsey in front of her own children as she was out for a walk in Beach Road. Helllsey man caught making child porn material charged with 21 offences. This was the stuff that Reverend MacFickles didn't want in their local radio newsround you know, Mickey Ficles the ladies man.'
Maureen -- 'Well, not for me, Ernie, he's too dodgy.'
Ernie -- 'You're not the first one to say that, Maureen, some of the guys around here think he's a bit too slimey.'
Maureen -- 'I've heard it said that he forced them not to air it on radio because it would deter visitors to Hellsey. But going by what I see, they're not too keen on visitors or new people anyway.'
Ernie -- 'Got it in one old girl, this lot ain't too friendly with anyone unless it means money, just like the lot in the Large Acres Triangle.'
Maureen -- 'Apparently, Marje was over in Piddlesham at a Bar-B-Q and met this music chap called Trev the bassman. He told her he'd been with that Hellsey band The Rolling Scones who were now absolute crap since he'd left them, and that the replacement wasn't much cop either. Hype John the leader was too- bigheaded to see it he said, because he thinks he's a star!'
Ernie -- 'Yes, I can understand that, Maureen, the replacement can be seen in the Triangle, but I bet you know that already.'
Maureen -- 'No, I didn't, but there's more, Ernie, I hadn't quite finished.'
Ernie -- 'Ooh sorry, Maureen, didn't mean to stop you midflow old girl.'
Maureen -- 'Well, no worry, Ernie, I needed the break ------ (the cuckoo clock goes off) Hype John is rather likes his mother, it runs in the family. She's the done it all and look at me sort, a bit FAME crazy like that Graveyard Sue who puts on those local shows, and has all those Hellsey brats to make her shows a non-event. It's said she fell over her own importance, and produced a bloomer!'
Ernie -- 'Hellsey's answer to Eddie the Eagle eh? but he's got more talent.'
Maureen -- 'I did overhear someone asking what would it take to persuade you to take a holiday in Hellsey.'
Ernie -- 'And what was the answer, Maureen?'
Maureen -- 'Nothing, Ernie, they wouldn't be seen dead here, and considering it's got enough of them here already, it's only the funeral directors benefiting from it.'
Ernie -- 'It's a one horse village, Maureen, two body snatchers and plenty of business to keep them going for years....... (horse noise sounds) Someone reported seeing a weather balloon high over Hellsey, but it turned out to be Fatman Captain Nelson on a long length of string with the wind at all sides, Maureen.'
Maureen -- 'Well, they do say if he had a brain he'd be dangerous, and half a brain would be a complete disaster.'
Ernie -- 'Definitely Fatman Caoptain Nelson!'
Maureen -- 'Yes, Ernie, the one and the same.'
Ernie -- 'Down to business old girl, what's this about the poison pen letter thing in the Triangle you mentioned when you left the other day.'
Maureen -- 'It's quite sordid, Ernie, it shows you the depths of depravity that these people in the Large Acres Triangle will go to......... especially on outsiders, and I'm learning that they've done it before, and that is awful.'
Ernie -- 'Not to them, Maureen, it's business as usual, they're well versed in the black arts, that's why I consider them a clan, a clique who operate under the false facade of 'respectability and community spirit' which is paper thin of course.'
Maureen -- 'Well, they didn't take to this guy who moved in amongst them, and he merely had a code of fairplay, so they put it around that a gay couple had moved into the property hoping everyone would shun them. And this was because it was two men, who turned out to be this guy and his uncle, a pensioner, who needed companionship.... so they got that wrong didn't they, Ernie?'
Ernie -- 'Letters and gossip going to and fro eh, Maureen?'
Maureen -- 'Indeed there was, Ernie, nasty things to belittle the newcomers. Even Poser Prince Will Hyams and Prissy Hat the local tart falsely befriended them in order to find out what they could, which of course ended up in their deceit being exposed. She lied several times in order to keep the secret of their intentions hoping that they wouldn't be found out.'
Ernie -- 'That figures, Maureen, I can see that clearly.'
Maureen -- 'Of course, when it blew wide open Fatman Captain Nelson was on board along with wicked Witch Annie and the Bakersman who rallied around the Poser Prince and Prissy Hat to see what they could do to get rid of the new threat to the Triangle, and there were no holds barred, they were willing to do anything.'
Ernie -- 'Wasn't one of those moves something to do with parking and obstruction?'
Maureen -- 'Yes it was, Ernie, and I was going to come to that, but seeing as you've mentioned it I'll go onto the more unsettling stuff that beggars belief and shows just how ignorant they are.'
Ernie -- 'Point taken old girl, ' naughty of me, do go on.'
THE SOUND OF CROCKERY AND TEA THINGS
Maureen -- 'I'll just have a sip of my tea, otherwise it's going to go cold just like the trail....... and I didn't say hail!' (clap of thunder breaks through)
Ernie -- 'Ooh, that was near, Maureen, do carry on.'
Maureen -- 'They actually went onto this Interweb thing; Witch Annie was egged on by Poser Prince Will Hyams who was desperate to pin something on this guy. And when he couldn't find him listed where he thought in the professionals, he immediately jumped to a conclusion and they surmised him to be a fake in their opinion.'
Ernie -- 'Jumping to conclusions again, eh Maureen.'
Maureen ---'Yes, Ernie, putting it around as fast as they could for their loaded gun.... with blanks!'
GUN SHOT GOES OFF
What they didn't know was that the name they searched for was not wholly correct, and on the net, that would inhibit any search.'
Ernie -- 'Highly typical of that bunch, Maureen, nothing surprises me here.'
Maureen -- 'Luckily, and I mean that, Ernie, in that professional capacity situation he used two middle names not often used which was accepted at the time of his enrolment and exams because he was connected with something more well away from that profession. He used his first name and surname without the hyphen which he was allowed to drop or use at any time, so again they really got it wrong.... and whatsmore, he'd left that profession a few years back and was no longer listed. (THERE IS A SOUND OF DOGS BARKING) How awful of them, Ernie, who wants these kind of friends. They stab you in the back while smiling at you condescendingly, ooh, it gives me the shivers, it does!'
Ernie -- 'Nothing you said surprises me in the least old girl, I often wonder what they did to that woman they forced out if you recall, all the details and that. It was Poser Prince Will Hyams at the helm on that one helped by his fat friend, Nelson, and the others. It takes great deviousness to do what they do and we're bound to uncover more if we dig deep enough for it.'
Maureen -- 'I don't think I'd like to move in somewhere where they did things like that to keep it as they want it, Ernie. It's got that Mafia thing about it. I wonder how many more Triangles there are in the Hellsey area?'
Ernie -- 'Well, that's for us to find out, Maureen. It wasn't so long ago that the Triangle had its own 'Fagin' situation with boys under the spell of Witch Annie, the equivalent of the Pied Piper of Hellsey. Not much was talked about that despite the ever present Hansel and Gretel approach she now adopts.... and I have thoughts on that which I'm not able to reveal as yet.'
Maureen -- 'Ooh, Ernie, that sounds like another job for me, and before I forget, I've heard that Fatman Captain Nelson's boy is on the Webbie thing on his computer way past 3 a.m. many days at a time. Can't be good, not with all those porn sites available to him.'
Ernie -- 'Oh there's plenty of work for you old girl, we've only just begun as they say in that song. We'll be looking into 'Captain Nelson's Booze Run' next time. Nobody quite gets Fatman Captain Nelson, he's got a corrupt Brief in Hellsey High Street who looks after him, and you can't do better that that around here.'
Maureen -- 'I can't get over the amount of evil there is just in one area, Ernie, no wonder it's got such a bad name and no-one wants to move to Hellsey.'
Ernie -- 'Well, Maureen, none of this is new, some years back a woman called Louise wrote an article in the Hellsey Bugle on the very subject EVIL IS EVIL - NO MATTER WHAT YOU CALL IT and quoted a famous statesman who said -- The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing, and that goes for women too! Sadly we're several years on and nothing has changed.'
Maureen -- 'Oh yes, that's a little bit like those cases on Rogue Traders and Watchdog where people of those firms go on the side of the criminal because of their paypacket, which shows they care very little for anyone else. It's shameful, but in essence there are plenty of people like this no doubt.'
Ernie -- 'Yes, Maureen, and we have them here in Hellsey in the shape of the Large Acres Triangle. And somebody has to stand up to them before the cancer consumes everything good.'
Maureen -- 'I'll be doing my bit, Ernie, you can be sure of that. I rather enjoy being one of those hound dogs!'
THE DOG BARKS
Ernie -- 'It's bloodhound, Maureen, and you make an excellent terrier, and I wouldn't have it any other way old girl.'
Maureen -- 'Well, I think that's about it, Ernie, I've done the filing, so, if you've got anything to post I'll pop them in the box on my way home.'
Ernie -- 'Nothing today, Maureen, I haven't got around to the correspondence, and I'd like to get used to that e-mail thing, it saves on stamps.'
Maureen -- 'Me Too, but I haven't got one of those pc thingamyjigs, so I'll have to carry on licking stamps and using a pen.'
Ernie -- 'Those days have nearly gone, but we're still here, Maureen.'
Maureen -- 'Yes, Ernie, but I'm going now, so I'll see you later or give you a call if anything breaks on the news front. Bye for now, and take care.'
Ernie -- 'Okay, Maureen, Bye!'
THE DOOR OPENS AND ERNIE GOES BACK TO HIS TYPEWRITER.
the end