CAPTAIN NELSON'S NEW SCAM (The Fatman's Fiddle)
AUDIO CLICK HERE https://www.mixcloud.com/LargeAcresTriangle/large-acres-triangle-episode-8/
INTRODUCTION -- AS WE GO TO ERNIE'S HOUSE
Ernie. 'Oh, hello, Maureen, I didn't see you there, but I did hear you when you came in. 'You're very light on your feet!'
Maureen. 'Yes, I suppose I am, but there's a perfectly good reason for that, Ernie, either I'm in line for becoming a cat burglar, (cat meows) or it's just the plain fact I always change into my furry slippers as soon as I come in.'
Ernie. 'Mmm, I like the cat burglar image, but I prefer you as you are, Maureen.'
Maureen. 'Well, as you've mentioned images, Ernie, I heard this tune the other day called 'bouncy ball' or something similar, and all I could see in my head was a vision of Fatman Captain Nelson, and it just wouldn't go away.'
Ernie. 'I can quite understand that, Maureen, a vision like that needs a good kicking, and I'd be up for it, and considering our case I'd bet the football club wouldn't mind letting the players have a go too!'
Maureen. 'Ooh, yes, I see what you mean, Ernie, he's quite a deserving case really, him and his dodgy High Street lawyer.'
Ernie. 'Yes, we'll leave the dodgy solicitor for another time, that's a Hellsey Mystery that has several twists and turns, and almost turned into a deliberate cover-up on several accounts.'
Maureen. 'Ooh Ernie, I haven't heard you talk about that one, you've got me fascinated and raring to know all about it.'
Ernie. 'No doubt old girl, but we have other fish to fry, and this is the second case we have on Fatman Captain Nelson. He could well turn out to be one of those Society's worst examples of nasty types to beware of.'
Maureen. 'Yes, I agree, Ernie, we'll be coming back to him and some of the others all too frequently I guess.'
Ernie. 'Mind you, I did observe something in the mode pf the Poser Prince during Christmas just gone.'
Maureen. 'And what was that, Ernie?'
Ernie. 'The Fatman Nelson lit up the front of his house so that everyone would see what a big property he owned --- a little bit longer than his waist size!' (laughter)
Maureen. 'Yes, I did notice them when I visited you over the period. They went from the two garages that are store rooms essentially, and all the way across the front. I wasn't there showing a celebration of Christmas -- but more 'look at us and see how prosperous we are.'
Ernie. 'Straight for the bullseye, Maureen, you said it like it is, a bit of the 'Hyacinth Bouquet' thing in line with their co-conspirator Will Hyams and Prissy Hat, the Posers circle.'
Maureen. 'I was listening to someone on the radio the other day saying that the guidelines between right and wrong have become so blunted, that what we should instantly recognise as evil becomes hidden behind a pc speak denying the existence of an obvious reality that no-one in Hellsey is interested in.'
Ernie. 'I've been saying that for a long time, Maureen, and it falls on deaf ears, especially in this area, and it doesn't take into account the evil we have here in The Large Acres Triangle, that's a whole new ball game far more evil and dirtier than anyone outside realises.'
Maureen. 'Incidentally, I still hear they're having trouble with yobbish youth in the Aldwick area. The authorities can't seem to get a grip of it according to Marge, and she's thinking of selling up and moving to somewhere nicer.'
Ernie. 'I can quite understand that, a woman was seriously wounded in an attack in Hellsey some time back. A businesswoman so I hear. She's closed down her store, sold her house and left the area, never to return.'
Maureen. 'One says things can't get worse, but they do, Ernie, and most of it is down to the locals and their lack of concern as you have been saying.'
Ernie. 'Yep, I know, its sad, bad, and downright frustratin' to be amongst some of the worst critters I've ever encountered hereabouts, but that should make us even more determined to flush them out and expose them for what they are, Maureen.'
Maureen. 'Yes, you're so right, so what are you going to tell me about the Fatman's fiddle or Captain Nelson's new scam as its now called, has he been up to his old tricks again?'
Ernie. 'Well, before we get into this properly, Maureen, It's better that you know that Fatman Nelson is with two clubs, and this factor is important for his scam to work. And they are the Football Club and Golf Club, an excellent customer base for his dealings.'
Maureen. 'Ooh, I suppose you could call him a clubber, Ernie.'
Ernie. 'In a way, Maureen, but not the kind we commonly know of. He uses both clubs to not only boost his ego and popularity, but reel in the customers so that they get reliant on the stuff, and see him as being essential, which ties in with his upmanship intentions.'
Maureen. 'Oh, I see, killing two birds with one stone, but in his case, setting them up for a fall if they didn't keep quiet about the shady business he's up to.'
Ernie. 'More or less, Maureen, they are knocked off goods and being in a coastal area, he makes sure the guys into boats and marine stuff stay under his control while appearing to be the good guy, you know the type -- 'I'm doing it for you' and you're getting it at a fraction of the cost, so don't forget it.'
Maureen. 'Ooh yes, that thing of you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours sort of thing.....what a cunning evil so and so.'
Ernie. 'Oh I don't know, Maureen, it's just usual business to the likes of him, it's no more different to that booze run caper and swindling the tax man. He didn't bat an eye lid doing that, well, not until the cops came to the Acres over that old guy in the bungalow, that shook him.'
Maureen. 'So, Ernie, what's he been knocking off and selling?'
Ernie. 'Well, I don't know if he's still getting in the booze, but this stuff is marine parts, auto electrical and other stuff including waterproof paint and sprays for doing up the dinghy's.'
Maureen. 'Ooh, yes, there'd be plenty of buyers for that in the Hellsey area, and being off the back of a lorry so-to-speak, they're not going to worry where it came from are they?'
Ernie. 'No old girl, they're not, he actually runs a book they say --- and sometimes works to order, getting them the stuff later if he doesn't have it at the ready.'
Maureen. 'And where does he keep the stuff, Ernie?'
Ernie. 'Well, it used to be the garage, one of them so I'm told, but since the scare it is said he has a lock-up somewhere, but no-ones saying, and as you well know, the Large Acres Triangle won't drop him in it -- and there's another family who have a boat in the Acres and they stick by him.'
Maureen. 'Ah yes, caravans and boats, it makes a lot of sense now, Ernie.'
Ernie. 'Several rendezvous with the folk in the East side bungalow of the Acres could well suggest this is so, and it might be one of those 'elsewhere' storage facilities he's now got in case the police suddenly descend on the Captain without him being warned.'
Maureen. 'Yes, I know, they all stick together, and there's plenty of signs in the Acres to show this is so.'
Ernie. 'Mind you, the Fatman ain't pleased all of them at the club, I hear one or two of them ain't too fond of his dealings, but they can't upset the others, and the Fatman knows this. So he's quite well protected.'
Maureen. 'Is that the Football Club you're talking about, Ernie?'
Ernie. 'It is, Maureen, he's got to be extra careful at the Golf Club. He knows if the balloon goes up, and there I go again getting this image of Nelson, ...they won't be too keen on having him around, so I think he keeps the supply low key and delivers stuff to the guys he knows won't say a word to harm him on the green.'
Maureen. 'He's quite an operator, isn't he?, but he's not somebody I could trust or like at all, Ernie.'
Ernie. 'That goes for me too, Maureen.'
Maureen. 'And where's he been getting this stuff, Ernie?'
Ernie. 'Well, Maureen, it helps if you've been a stores manager and have a suitable vehicle outside, and you know what I mean eh, Maureen!'
Maureen. 'Oh yes, Ernie, I've got it, what a silly, I should have known he'd be in the right place to carry out the thing.'
(CUCKOO CLOCK GOES OFF AND A COW MOO'S)
Ernie. 'In case you're wondering, Maureen, he hasn't been caught yet, but we can live in hope.'
Maureen. 'Ooh yes, I do hope so, and they ought to look into his kid's midnight and early morning web stuff, I'm sure he's on those porn sites and probably texting god knows who.'
Ernie. 'It's not a bad guess, and you could be very near the truth, Hellsey hides more than you realise.'
Maureen. 'Well, now you've said that, I heard a whisper on the grapevine that a man is suing Hellsey Council over something to do with Christmas lights. He apparently accuses them of taking away his job and won't let anyone else take over.....what a rum situation, eh Ernie?'
Ernie. 'Oh I don't know, its typical Hellsey. When they have people on the council you can't trust, this petty wrangling can only be expected.'
Maureen. 'Well, you'd know, Ernie, you've had a bit of experience with these council folk, and what you saw wasn't good.'
Ernie. 'Some of them are like practising politicians, and you can't believe a word they say, and I've met one exactly like that, Maureen.
Maureen. 'Oh yes, I know what you mean, he blows one way and then the other when it suits him, and he's not the only one on Hellsey Council.'
Ernie. 'Indeed old girl, sometimes its hard to tell who's pulling the strings and greasing the palms of certain folk hereabouts, and I'd bet you that the members of The Large Acres Triangle would know all too well.'
Maureen. 'Well, having said that, Ernie, who have we got next?'
Ernie. 'My oh my, Maureen, it's the Witch herself, the case you have been anxious to hear for months -- Its Wicked Witch Annie and 'The Witches Brood' -- or brew if you like and the strange goings on you don't like.'
Maureen. 'Oh yes, at last, I'll finally get to know what it is she's doing, and I can hardly wait, but wait I have to because its time for me to go.'
Ernie. 'Oh dear, has the time gone already? I was going to ask you to put the kettle on, but I guess that can wait for a while.'
Maureen. 'Oh dear, Ernie, I'm sorry to leave a little earlier, but I must pop into the Post Office, and you know what they're like at the best of times.'
Ernie. 'Yes, I do, Maureen, so you'd better go and I'll see you next week.'
Maureen. 'I can phone you if anything else comes up that is urgent, or come round if you need me.'
Ernie. 'Yes, okay Maureen, take care of yourself and drop the latch as you go.'
Maureen. 'I'll put the kettle on -- on my way out, Ernie, bye for now.'
Ernie. 'Bye old girl.'
KETTLE EFFECTS ETC, AND GO TO CLOSE.