SCRIPT 14 EPISODE 14

POSERS, PONCERS AND SYCHOPHANTS

Ernie and Maureen chat in their headquarters about the new case.

Ernie. 'Well Maureen, here we are again, its a new episode and there's no sign of the Triangle deceivers giving up their evil ways, not now, or for the foreseeable future either. Large Acres is what it is, thoroughly evil.'

Maureen. 'Yes, I know, and its not the only one in Hellsey as we well know now, there are others and maybe they're linked with this inbreeding thing that I hear goes on.'

Ernie. 'Almost certainly, Maureen, and I'm told most of them have relatives dotted around the area, and you have to be careful who you talk to, its a sort of big village Mafia, just without the guns of course.'

Maureen. Thank goodness for that, their tongues are bad enough along with the dirty tricks they get up to, and they get up to that stuff quite regularly.'

Ernie. 'Too true old girl, they never miss an opportunity to make their claws sharp and do something really despicable....and talking about that, how did you fair with finding another window cleaner?'

Maureen. 'Oh that, I'm still looking. I wasn't going to approach that one you said went up on the roof and spread muck into the neighbour's property and then drove off without cleaning up. Underwood I think they called him, no, I want someone I can trust to do a good job, and in my mind he's not a window cleaner I want anywhere near my house, not at any time.'

Ernie. 'I'm with you all the way there, but the Large Acres lot use him, so that speaks volumes.'

Maureen. 'Well, I'm not surprised, Ernie, but I'll keep looking until I find one that's up to a standard I can be sure of, and that's how its going to be.'

Ernie. 'Yes, but I'd be looking well out of the Hellsey area, in fact, as far as you can. Local isn't something I'd recommend at any time.'

Maureen. 'I'll keep that in mind, Ernie, you've always given me good advice, so what's been happening in the Triangle and what are we up against this episode?'

Ernie. 'Well, up to now its a case of the usual and that means usual for the Large Acres Triangle. I've had my eye on Fatman Captain Nelson.....the Fatman Nelson is as everyone knows, a possessions person who has left his moral compass far behind, let alone be a pointer to what's right on the high seas, Maureen.'

Maureen. 'Yes, Ernie, that's what I hear too, its got to be common knowledge by now!'

Ernie. 'More than that old girl, they say he's been like that for years and there's no sign of it changing, somewhat like his figure...rotund and repelling.'

Maureen. 'Ah yes, the pudding look, roly poly and definitely undesirable in every way. I can't see what anybody sees in him at all.'

Ernie. 'Well its not his personality, that's for sure, and its not his looks as we said. But I did see him wearing specs which shows he should be wearing them......and that makes you wonder about the driving thing as we both well remember in previous episodes.'

Maureen. 'I don't recall ever seeing him with specs, Ernie, I didn't know he had any.'

Ernie. 'Precisely, Maureen, that's the point, should he be driving without them, and do they know he doesn't?'

Maureen. 'Mmm, yet another mystery, but what's going on with his computer whiz kid, the one who is on the Internet into the early hours of the morning?'

Ernie. 'You've got me there old girl, apart from the usual thoughts of chat rooms, porn and drug contact stuff, he doesn't seem to do anything but stay in the house all day....no job by the look of it, but I guess the Fatman supports him...father like son type of thing!'

Maureen. 'Yes, a family that sticks together tricks together. One for all and all for one, the true Large Acres Triangle style.'

Ernie. 'You've got it, Maureen, but its time to go onto something else, we don't want a whole episode on somebody I can't stand and detest. So let's go to the file this month and see what we have.'

Maureen. 'Sounds good to me, I'll just go and get the tea things so that we have everything ready.'

Ernie. 'I'm calling this case Poser Prince and the Embezzlement case for no better reason than it is all about fraud, a fraud that is worthy and from my view, expected of Will Hyams.'

Maureen. 'I like the sound of that, Ernie, I was beginning to wonder when he would show his true colours.'

Ernie. 'There were suggestions that he was to retire several years ago, actually from himself or Prissy Hat the local tart. But strangely, that didn't happen and at the time it didn't appear to be about finance and money, a factor he's keen to show off about. But recently, the shroud of respectability has been shattered to reveal that he planned a very different outcome to the pension pot they were expecting, and it comes as no surprise to me that recent events have thrown up the real story of a man who poses and claims to be so well bred, when in fact this has never been so.'

Maureen. 'Oh my, do tell me more, Ernie, I think I'm going to like this a whole lot.'

Ernie. 'They are currently looking for others who may be involved, but investigations so far point to it being one suspect, and that's Poser Prince Will Hyams. I think this may well be so knowing how big-headed he is, he's not likely to consider sharing the spoils with anyone else, not even the other members of The Large Acres Triangle like Captain Nelson who'd certainly like a share to maintain his family's lifestyle based all on greed and a self-acquired status. No, it looks like a one man job, and for me, it's got Poser Prince written all over it.'

Maureen. 'So what's he done, Ernie, you haven't got to the nitty gritty, and I'm really hooked now.'

Ernie. 'Hold your horses, Maureen, this news isn't quite official yet, and some of the facts are a little hazy, not to mention at the delicate stage. So, I'm only able to give you what I have in the file, and that's an ongoing case at the moment...So there'll be more to add to it as we wait for further information.'

Maureen. 'Ooh sorry, Ernie, I just got a little impatient there, so do go on, I won't press you for more than you've got.'

Ernie. 'That's okay, Maureen, I tend to get that way myself at times when it comes to a juicy story involving one of our chief players in The Large Acres Triangle.'

Maureen. 'It all sounds so exciting, but I am a little surprised he didn't use any of the others considering The Prissy Hat Catalogue Scam we covered last year. Do go on, Ernie.'

Ernie. 'Apparently, he'd set up payroll accounts for two bogus employees, fabricating National Insurance details and false addresses, which even I thought he'd do with the help of Nelson and the Bakersman. But no, what with this computer identity theft thing we hear about, he was able to transfer wage payments to bank accounts he'd set up, ones that he could easily access through an off-shore company he'd set up for this purpose.'

Maureen. 'I didn't know he was so technical minded, I know he seems to think he knows everything, but there again, he's the big know-it-all, and don't we know it!'

Ernie. 'Yes, he's that alright, but what you've got to remember is, he's fond of telling you he hires and fires in his job, so I guess he can fiddle things in the Finance Department, especially when it comes to new employees. I doubt anyone at his firm questions his decisions or looks a little deeper into what he does. He flares up at any suggestion he's bent, and that's been seen. But let's go to that company he set up, that's the key to the big money and how he allegedly siphoned it off!'

Maureen. 'I take it there wasn't a company at all, and that he made it up for the embezzlement to take place?'

Ernie. 'No, there wasn't a company at all, there never is in a scam like this. There was some paperwork and a dreamt up website, and yes, that company was taking the payment transfers according to what we have at the moment.'

Maureen. 'Why were they sending money to the bogus company, how did that come about? Ernie.'

Ernie. 'Its all about position old girl, the Poser Prince used his status to run around obstacles and bluff his way no doubt into creating diversions to keep the accounts lot off his back. This is not unusual in firms these days, cases like this are getting more common.'

Maureen. 'I still don't get how easy it is, Ernie, I thought they had systems to stop that kind of thing.'

Ernie. 'Quite simple really, especially as finance is moved about by computer. He was okaying cheques sent to the bogus firm for work done, and in this case nil work, because these were fraudulent invoices he' had concocted, and from what I can tell, he was allowing two of these a month, and then would miss out the occasional period so that no suspicion would fall on him.'

Maureen. 'So how was he rumbled, Ernie, what gave the game away, especially as he obviously thought he was too clever to be caught.'

Ernie. 'Well, its all down to a company audit, and although he'd gotten away with it so far, they did a thorough check and found something that didn't look right.'

Maureen. 'Oh yes, its just like Judge Judy, if it doesn't look right, or sound right, it isn't right and it's not true, she says that on her TV programme.'

Ernie. 'Often true, Maureen, and the auditors began to pull up the invoices and look into the two bogus employees which made the Poser Prince very uncomfortable. He even went off sick and an ambulance came rushing around to his palace. Unfortunately, it wasn't that serious and he recovered! So we haven't really got a good end to this story, more the pity. They're still investigating so I'm told and its going to be a while before we can close our files on this one.....he's a tricky bugger, Maureen, and evil too!'

Maureen. 'Unfortunately that's the way it goes, Ernie. People like him always manage to pull something off, even when we hope they can't.'

Ernie. 'Yes, I know old girl, but his time will come, its going to be waiting for him.'

Maureen. 'Can I tell you one of my new jokes, Ernie, we need to forget about him for the moment don't we?'

Ernie. 'Yes old girl, what's it this time?'

Maureen. 'What's over-inflated and full of wind?'

Ernie. 'Don't know Maureen.'

Maureen. 'Fatman Captain Nelson on Viagra.' (laughter)

Ernie. 'Well done old girl, I like that one, though I can't think what Viagra could do for him, he's well past that.'

Maureen. 'What else have we got for this month, Ernie?'

Ernie. 'Sadly we're running short of time now, so we'll have to keep things brief and look at what the others have been up to, especially Witch Annie, she's a scheming bitch at the best of times apart from siding up to people feigning friendship in order to get to know as much as she can. So what's new at your end, Maureen?'

Maureen. 'I did hear that the new supermarket in Hellsey isn't doing well. For most people it wasn't what they expected and the customers are dwindling all the time. They should up their game, but probably won't.'

Ernie. 'Can't say I've been, not since someone told me it hasn't got much to offer, and they left there without buying anything!'

Maureen. 'Well, it's the old Hellsey problem, a case of the walking dead as you say, Ernie, it's hardly a tourist attraction.'

Ernie. 'Yes, a good place to come and die in, apart from that a ghost town after 4pm, and that's been said by many.'

Maureen. 'No more from me, Ernie, its back to you on this one.'

Ernie. 'There's still a silent evil lurking in the corner of the Triangle, the Tighwads remain creepy despite the barking of their dog and cars reversing out willy nilly at all times of the day. There's more to them than meets the eye, that's for sure.'

Maureen. 'And what about Witch Annie and her brood, you haven't really mentioned much about them so far.'

Ernie. 'Well, the Do-Gooders continue to scurry around much like an ants nest giving the appearance that they are doing society a favour....and their bond with the Wicked Witch Annie shows no sign of tiring yet. Mind you, just like her fascination for that special one in the brood, I did see something that made me shudder!'

Maureen. 'Ooh I say, that sounds juicy, you've got to tell me what it was, Ernie, I'm all a quiver with excitement.'

Ernie. 'It wasn't a pretty sight, that much I can tell you, a little weird too.'

Maureen. ' My my, it gets a lot better, come on Ernie, what did you see?'

Ernie. 'Wouldn't you like to know, but its going to have to wait until episode 15 when we will have more on the dirty tricks the people of the Large Acres Triangle get up to.'

Maureen. 'Oh Ernie, not a cliff-hanger, we don't do those, but it is good to know we're coming back to do another episode. I will look forward to that and the other thing.'

Ernie. 'Me too old girl, but the curtain is falling on this episode and the fat lady is ready to sing...and I could tell you something about fat ladies and the Triangle. However, its time for me to close this and you make your way home.'

Maureen. 'Yes, Ernie, I've got to catch the bus, so I'll bid you a farewell and see you later, bye.'

Ernie. 'Bye, bye, and take care of yourself.'

THE END.