October 2019
You probably don’t want me to call you Ken. Sorry, but in my heart and mind you’re still the cousin I grew up with, an adventurous boy with a kind heart and great sense of humor.
I don’t know what to say now that you call yourself Kristy. The story of your lifelong struggle, so tastefully and touchingly shared on Facebook, tugs hard on my heart, not just because you’re a favored cousin, but because it strikes a resonant chord with some of my own struggles, even as your new profile picture seems so dissonant.
I’ve never been comfortable with people changing gender. I don’t know if it’s something in my DNA or if it’s social programming, but it’s real. Part of me wants to embrace your change and just encourage you, but that wouldn’t be honest. I’m going to gamble and share my real feelings with you. I’ve got a sense that you can accept me for who I honestly am, just as you’re asking me to accept you for who you honestly are. In fact, I’m guessing honesty is what you really want. So here it is.
I’ve struggled all my life with identity issues too, but they don’t seem nearly as difficult as yours. I think every person alive struggles with who they are and the pressures society puts on them to conform to expectations. For some people those struggles dominate their life more, but everyone at times feels like a misfit—that they just don’t belong in the mold society wants to fit them into.
Early in my life I chaffed against society and grew to despise social pressures. I saw conformity as an evil enemy. Over time, as I studied psychology, personality, and sociology, I realized that social norms play an important role in society. The dominant force in all human groups to establish behavioral norms with strong pressure to conform to those norms, is necessary for the human species to survive. But that norming pressure often becomes oppressive.
There’s a balance between healthy social pressures that help with childhood development and social function, and destructive social pressures that degrade mental health and cause conflict. That balance is very difficult to find. In fact, I’m afraid that the best balance possible produces a share of both. There doesn’t seem to be a place that produces good results with no bad side effects. Social norming is like a medicine that can save your life, but always has painful side effects. Despite the pain, we must take the medicine to live. Similarly, for human society to function, we need social pressures that sometimes feel oppressive.
I’ve asked God why I don’t fit in better, but I’m not bitter. I’ve found a comfortable space where I don’t just exist—I thrive and thoroughly enjoy life! Still I question our creator. Why are some people attracted to the same sex in a way that most people find objectionable? Why are some people attracted to children in an abusive way? Why does anyone have to live with immoral sexual desires? It seems we all struggle against some intense sexual drive that is either taboo, or harmful in some way.
Why do people struggle with identity issues—they don’t like the person their DNA programmed them to be or the expectations other people place on them? These are important questions whether you believe in a creator or you think we’re just products of mindless evolution.
I won’t pretend to understand your identity struggle because mine is different, but I can empathize at some level. I can appreciate how you treasure your wife who accepts you as you are. I too, found a wife who I’ve been able to share my deepest struggles with and she continues to love me.
As a general principle, I’ve concluded that it’s best for people to accept who they really are, that includes accepting the bodies nature (or God) gave them. But that’s not an absolute principle. I wear glasses, because my eyes don’t focus clearly. I exercise and eat healthy because it makes my life more enjoyable and helps me perform better. If there are ways to clearly improve our quality of life, that’s usually okay, but I don’t think it’s very healthy to change because we just don’t like our bodies.
I’ve always preferred black hair. When I was young, I had brown hair, but now it’s white. I refuse to dye my hair because I think I’m better off being content with it as it is. I don’t have any tattoos, piercings, etc., and I don’t put much effort into finding stylish clothing for similar reasons. When people put a lot of effort into changing their appearance because they can’t stand themselves as they naturally are, I think that’s sad, but I try not to judge them. I’ve been able to accept myself as I am with efforts to be the best me I can be, but I know many people really struggle. If someone dyes their hair, wears makeup all the time, has surgery to change their appearance, etc., who am I to judge? I think they’re making a mistake, but I could be wrong. I don’t know what they’re dealing with.
I’d like to share a few ideas I think are true that you might disagree with. My thoughts are not just with transgender, but can apply broadly. I’m curious to hear your thoughts if you care to share them. Feel free to disagree, knowing I don’t condemn you or hold you in contempt. I respect your courage and honesty.
Everyone struggles with some taboo desires and identity conflicts.
The struggle can make us strong emotionally, socially, mentally, spiritually.
Resisting secret desires makes us more altruistic, compassionate, less selfish.
Extreme taboos (like pedophilia) can drive people to heroic sacrifice. (They can also drive people crazy.)
It’s good to accept yourself as you are, except for immoral and destructive desires—those we should work to improve. We should always strive to improve.
We shouldn’t judge people who make identity decisions we disagree with. They may be fighting for survival in a battle for their own mental health.
I don’t think taboo desires are an accident. I believe they are part of the design (evolution or not) because humanity benefits from them even if they do make life difficult for individuals.
I’d like to expand on the point that people need to accept who we really are. This mantra is often spoken to encourage people to go public with decisions to live a lifestyle that many people disapprove of. People are encouraged to make their secret public and live out the desire that they’ve been suppressing. Usually it’s something that on the surface shouldn’t hurt anyone else. We don’t encourage pedophiles to accept who they are and “come out” to publicly live the lifestyle they desire because that lifestyle is abusive to children. It damages them. But most LGBTQ+ lifestyles seem harmless if they are shared with consenting adults.
I believe that LGBTQ+ lifestyles are immoral and have a negative effect on our culture, but I see them as more tolerable sins, like vulgar language or over-eating, that don’t seem to have obvious victims. My reasons for this belief take a long time to explain and they aren’t really important to what I want to share about identity anyway, so I won’t get into that. Instead, I’d like to consider what’s healthy and what’s not, for individuals struggling with identity taboos. When someone doesn’t want to conform to social pressures what should they do?
You might guess that my answer is, “It depends.” I’d like to share some more aspects of identity issues and how I think people should respond. This involves a huge chunk of human psychology and sociology where transgender is only a small part. I hope you enjoy philosophy, because I’m about to get deep into it.
Everyone seems to need an identity—a sense of who we are and how we fit in the world. This sense of identity plays a big role in our development as children. At a very early age we assume a child role, depending on adults to care for us. We assume a gender role very early. As our personalities develop, we assume roles related to intelligence, physical ability, social interaction etc. Society places expectations on our behavior associated with our roles. Some children embrace those expectations (for good or ill) while some chafe against them.
These roles and expectations change as we age, but they’re always there, guiding us and pushing us. When people conform to roles that help humanity function, it can be helpful. When we act according to societal expectations, we get along more smoothly and efficiently. But that can be boring, and it’s oppressive if we don’t like the expectations placed on us.
I’m thankful for many societal expectations, such as those that motivate us to practice good hygiene, be polite, work hard at our jobs, help the needy, etc. There are many that seem pointless to me though—expectations that drive us to wear certain styles of clothing, cut our hair certain ways, shave our hair in certain places, pierce and tattoo our bodies, use deodorant, spend money on certain types of entertainment, buy a lot of stuff, etc.
Children tend to get hung up on these superficial expectations. They are a big deal to them during certain stages of their development, and if they don’t fit in it’s devastating to them emotionally. Being forced to behave certain ways in childhood can leave people scarred for life. On the other hand, these expectations can help children develop a sense of identity and find their place in the world. I think social expectations are good for children, but children are often brutal in the way they force them on their peers. Even adults are oppressive in forcing their expectations on children. A healthy childhood includes roles with associated expectations for children to choose from and gives them freedom to experiment with different roles before settling. It’s okay for parents or other adults to encourage helpful roles and behaviors, but allow for individual expression without shame.
I’ve always thought it was cool if a girl wanted to play baseball, but it seemed weird if a boy wanted to play with dolls. (GI Joe was an exception. 😊) As an adult, I decided that wasn’t good. We should give boys freedom to play with dolls. I’ve always felt that we should restrict girls from wearing makeup and shaving until they are at least 16. It seems a shame that these expectations are so strong a woman is socially ostracized if she doesn’t conform.
The bottom line is that roles and expectations in society are good as long as we give people as much latitude as possible to customize their own behavior. If a guy doesn’t want to be macho, he shouldn’t have to put on a macho act to be accepted. If a girl doesn’t like being feminine, we should accept her simply as a girl who doesn’t want to be feminine. We shouldn’t treat such people as outcasts.
Social responsibility goes both ways, though. Gender roles and appearances do help us interact. Like it or not, we are a binary specie. We are male or female biologically, and that’s a wonderful thing! Our differences are very good, so it’s not good to try and remove gender related expectations completely. If someone dresses and acts in such a way that people call them by the wrong pronouns, that shouldn’t be a big deal. No one, not the person making the mistake, nor the person referred to, nor bystanders, should take offense. But I don’t believe we should be deceptive, either. I think people should make enough effort to reveal their true biological gender that most people can figure it out and no one will feel awkward when they use a public rest room.
There are many other role expectations in society, and I usually think it’s cool when people go against the trend. If a rich person lives a simple lifestyle so that no one knows they’re rich, that’s great! When poor people keep themselves clean and dressed nice so people can’t easily tell they are poor, that’s cool too. If a black boy likes classical music, or an elderly white lady likes rap music, that’s awesome. Women working construction; male nurses, etc. I like it when people go against the norm because I’m a natural innovator who likes change and diversity in life.
I also understand the usefulness, even necessity, of norms in human society. As much as I naturally rebel against social pressures, I embrace them. I just like to push back enough to allow some flexibility and individual freedom.
(Side note: Why do people struggle with taboo desires? People who believe in a creator-God usually assume it’s part of the struggle between good and bad. They label the taboo desires as sinful. People who believe we are a product of evolution guided by natural selection usually assume most of these things are imperfections in human evolution that haven’t been eliminated yet. I’m skeptical of those viewpoints. I believe struggle and diversity are both part of the design that helps us survive and thrive in this world. I’ll spare you the evidence and logic that pushed me to this conclusion, but it applies whether you believe in a creator or not. Whether this struggle was part of a creator’s design or it evolved through random mutations, I think it’s beneficial for humanity. Everyone struggles with secrete desires and identity issues. None of us are alone in that struggle, but it often feels like we are because people don’t usually talk about their struggles, and the struggles are so diverse, we tend to feel unique in our battle even though others share similar experiences.)
You can probably see by now that I believe in balance. I oppose the idea that we should remove societal pressures for people to conform, but I feel those pressures need to be tempered enough to minimize oppression of non-conformists. I believe people need to accept themselves, working to be the best person they can be. We should work for genuine, objective improvements, not superficial change just because we’re biased against what we are. But sometimes people need to accommodate their irrational biases. In those cases, we should try not to judge harshly.
So why am I sharing all these rambling ideas with you? I think you’ve struggled with these things that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about. I’m interested in hearing your thoughts if you’re willing to share them.
Wishing you all the best life has to offer, even though I don’t understand all the choices you’ve made in your life.