May 19, 2019, Good Fight Checklist
How do we work through disagreements in our closest relationships? Sadly, most people don’t give this question much attention even though it greatly impacts our joy in life. Disagreements create tensions in relationships that often spiral in to hostility, but there are ways to turn the tension into growth. We can make disagreement a constructive “good fight,” free of hostility.
9 Elements of a Good Fight. Les and Leslie Perrott recommend 9 things people can do to make conflict constructive in close relationships, particularly marriage. I’ve found this 9-point checklist extremely helpful.
The 9 points spell out a mnemonic acronym: PRACTAWAC = Pray, Rate disagreement, Apologize, avoid Criticism, Timeout, Agree to disagree, share Withholds, check Assumptions, don’t be Cruel.
P – Pray for the people you disagree with. Don’t pray that they see things your way. Pray that God will guide you into truth and goodness together.
R – Rate the disagreement. On a scale from 0 to 10 with 0 being completely unimportant and 10 being most essential, rate issues you disagree on. Share your ratings and why you put that level of importance on it. Often our points of disagreement aren’t as important as they initially seem.
A – Apologize when you mean it, which should be often because we all make frequent mistakes.
C – Avoid Criticism by sharing your thoughts and feelings instead of the other persons shortcomings. Use the XYZ formula: In situation X when you do Y I feel Z. (For example, instead of saying “You’re always embarrassing me in front of our friends,” say “When you make unflattering comments about me to our friends, I feel shamed.” Instead of accusing the person of embarrassing you, you’re telling them how their actions make you feel. This gives them the option to change without accusation.)
T – Take a Timeout if needed. Sometimes emotions won’t let you communicate constructively so you may need to avoid the subject for a while.
A – Agree to Disagree. Sometimes finding common ground is too difficult for the importance of the disagreement so you can each respectfully believe what you choose.
W – Share Withholds, things you think of throughout the day that you’d like to share if you were together. Keep a list so you can share them when you are together. You don’t want potentially hurtful thoughts to come spilling out at a moment of frustration, and you don’t want encouraging thoughts to be forgotten.
A – Check Assumptions. We often think we can read other people’s minds, but in disagreements, we’re usually wrong. When you think you know what another person is thinking or feeling, or what their motives are, ask them.
C – Don’t be Cruel. Never belittle or attack with mocking, sarcasm, harsh words, angry tones, or anything else likely to shame or injure a person.
Priority. It’s difficult to take on all 9 of these practices at once. It makes more sense to focus on one at a time. The last point, “Don’t be cruel,” is the most important. To have constructive conflict in a relationship the first and most vital thing we need to control is our tendency to hurt people during disagreements.
I rate prayer second because we can all use a little divine assistance with self-control in disagreements, but prayer does no good if you haven’t repented from cruelty. Prayer can help reset our attitude in conflict.
Next, I recommend to focus on avoiding criticism. Direct criticism may not be intentionally cruel, but it can hurt almost as much. When faced with direct criticism, our human nature drives us to be defensive and react with counter-criticism. The XYZ formula helps reduce hurt and derails the cycle of reactionary criticism and defensiveness.
Effectiveness of the other elements will depend on the personalities and habits of the people you disagree with, along with the circumstances of the disagreements. Focus on the good fight elements that seem most important until you make them all a routine part of your disagreements.