January 31, 2019, Leadership in Marriage (and Other Relationships)
Ephesians, Chapter 5, talks about submission and being a “head” in marriage. People usually interpret this as a call for the husband to be the leader in the home and they make a lot of assumptions based on their view of what leadership looks like. Here’s my take on leadership in marriage.
Leadership in marriage is a gift of love.
“Head” does not mean dictator.
Leadership makes people want to cooperate out of desire, not obligation.
It shouldn’t feel like you’re steering the boat and everyone else is along for the ride.
It should feel like a partnership.
Both partners want to serve and please the other, satisfy their needs.
When it feels like a dictatorship or a struggle for control, someone’s being selfish, probably both.
Leaders should be eager to give freedom, not seeking control. (God gives us freedom!)
It should please the leader to do what the other desires if you have the right leadership-love attitude.
Submission in marriage is also a gift of love.
It’s not passive. You’re an active partner in the marriage.
It should be pleasant to do what the other desires if you have the right submissive-love attitude.
It doesn’t mean you have to do everything the leader wants.
There will be many disagreements. (Respectful disagreement is a good thing, like iron sharpens iron.)
Usually, couples can discuss disagreements and find agreeable solutions.
Sometimes you should just go with the leader’s desire, especially on minor things that don’t matter much.
Stand your ground on major points—compromise if possible, respectfully disagree when necessary. These would be things you feel are moral or ethical imperatives.
If your spouse is abusive, leave, but give them a chance to repent and restore the union
If your spouse is overly controlling, lovingly assert your role as a partner.
If you feel oppressed and become angry, someone’s being selfish, probably both.
I’ve been speaking in the context of marriage, but I avoided referring to husbands and wives. I don’t think God intended to give husbands an absolute command of male leadership that can never be violated. There are times and circumstances and areas of responsibility where wives are more qualified to lead. I see “headship” as general guideline based on the physical and psychological differences between men and women, but exceptions abound based on variations in personality, environment, and other circumstances. These guidelines also apply to other relationships where one person assumes a leadership role, not just marriage. The principles listed above highlight characteristics of godly leadership in many relationships.