Relationship Pain

December 21, 2018

People suffer pain in relationships. It’s a fact of life, but we endure the pain because it’s worth it—most of the time. We can reduce our pain if we understand the causes better. Often relationship pain comes from misbehavior by individuals in the relationship, but sometimes it’s relatively innocent, such as with misunderstandings.

Misunderstanding. Sometimes we just hurt—no one did anything wrong. Pain comes from an innocent misunderstanding. To illustrate this, consider a story.

_______________________

Like most pain coming from misunderstanding, communication can easily fix it, while lack of communication can compound the problem and make it much worse. When someone does something you find hurtful or confusing, talk about it and get clarification. If Roy had included a card expressing his romantic interest clearly instead of assuming the yellow roses spoke clearly, the misunderstanding could have been avoided. If Ruth had reflected her thoughts and feelings back to Roy, thanking him for the kind gift of friendship even though he’s turning down her offer of romance, he could have recognized her misunderstanding and explained what he really meant with the roses. Through the period where they continued hurting each other and grew angry, all they had to do was sit down and talk through their feelings and why they were feeling that way and they would have quickly discovered the misunderstanding. Clear communication takes effort sometimes, but it evaporates pain and anger that arise from misunderstanding.

Lesson: When someone hurts you, don’t retaliate. Seek gentle, respectful, clarification. After talking everything through in the most direct, thorough manner possible, you can decide where the relationship should go.

Different Desires. Sometimes people just want different things. In the story above, if Ruth had spoken with Roy about the roses and made him explain what he meant by them they would both have been overjoyed and moved on to the romantic relationship they desired. But what if Roy knew that Ruth understood yellow roses to be a sign of friendship, and he sent yellow roses as a way of saying “I care deeply about you, value our friendship, and want to keep it there”? Now Ruth is hurt by the truth, and she can react in many ways. She can retaliate and ruin the friendship. She could choose to end the relationship without retaliation. She could try to continue the friendship and intentionally temper her romantic feelings. She could even continue the relationship while working to arouse his romantic interest.

Whatever choices they make, it’s important that they communicate honestly and openly while respecting each other’s feelings and decisions. Instead of just sending yellow roses, Roy needs to talk to her, explaining how much he values her and their friendship. Ruth needs to be honest with him about her feelings, even the intensity of her pain and disappointment. If it’s too painful, and she decides to end the friendship, or maybe just give it some time, she needs to communicate that decision to Roy without treating him harshly.

Lesson: Be truthful and respectful. When people have different goals in a relationship they need to communicate honestly and seek a way forward in the relationship that works best for all sides. We need to respect everyone’s feelings and decisions, especially if someone’s goals or desires can’t be met.

Selfishness. Often, it’s our natural selfishness that causes relationship pain and it’s probably the cause of most serious hurts. Selfishness is the heart of dishonesty, manipulation, using people, and neglect. Let’s look at Ruth and Roy again. We’ll jump a few years into the future where they are married, but Ruth is frustrated with Roy’s video gaming habits.

She got angry because he played video games too much. They ended up arguing, and insulting each other over the issue. They dug in their heels, refusing to discuss the matter calmly and feelings of resentment dominated their relationship. The couple used to love and admire each other and have a lot of fun together, but they’ve damaged the relationship so deeply that nothing remains untarnished. The intense dispute is emotionally painful for both of them.

Roy’s selfishness in this dispute is obvious. Video gaming is fun, entertaining, even addictive, and Roy indulged in this selfish pleasure so much that he neglected his wife. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a little entertainment, but when it causes you to neglect important aspects of your life, it’s selfish. If you get angry with people who love you when they complain about your behavior it shows how thoroughly your selfish choices have mastered your mind and soul. That’s where Roy was.

Ruth’s anger might seem justified because she wanted Roy’s time and attention, things that every wife needs from her husband. But the anger and insulting reveal how selfishness took over her heart too. This is not the voice of love. (Check out 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.) When disagreements cause relationships to spiral into drama, where tempers are flaring with hurtful words, and actions seem to grow more destructive, selfishness is always feeding this process. It’s part of our human nature that we all fall into at times.

So, let’s rewind and give our loving couple another chance. This time Ruth gently informs Roy that she, “feels neglected because he spends so much time playing video games.” She’s focused on how his actions make her feel instead of the more judgmental, “You spend too much time playing video games!”

Now Roy’s response is critical. Even with Ruth’s gentle, non-judgmental language he might feel criticized. There’s a strong implication that Ruth wants him to change and Roy’s selfish nature could feel threatened, making him react defensively. This time Roy chooses a more loving response; “I’m sorry, Ruth, I’ll try to give you the time and attention you need. Let me know how I’m doing.” He follows up with a significant reduction in his gaming time and gives more intentional attention to Ruth.

If Roy feels good about his change, that demonstrates that he loves Ruth in his heart and he’s keeping his selfishness in check. If he feels resentment and holds feelings against her over this change, or if he demands that she make some reciprocal sacrifice as payback for him, that reveals a heart still under the power of selfishness.

If Ruth appreciates Roy’s sacrifice, esteeming him for his loving choice, that reveals selfless love on her part. If she feels he owed her that and doesn’t need to be thankful, or she continues to feel resentful no matter how Roy responds, then her heart is still selfish.

It’s very important to resolve selfishness conflicts. If Ruth and Roy get stuck in conflict, both thinking about themselves first, interpreting each other’s actions as a lack of love, that will keep them in a state of pain that ruins their marriage. They’ll continue hurting each other. But if they value each other highly and try to please each other, they will each interpret the other’s actions as love and appreciate their efforts. This cycle creates pleasure in the relationship and it can thrive.

Lesson: Put other’s needs above your own. Work to have your needs met, but communicate those needs in a way that doesn’t criticize, blame, or judge others. Be grateful for everything anyone does for you.

Abuse. Every relationship hurts on occasion. It’s human nature. We all suffer from misunderstandings, differing desires, and selfishness. Abusiveness is different. Abuse happens when someone chooses to be intentionally hurtful. They want to cause pain to someone else who they have a relationship with. This is when relationships need to change, maybe even ending the relationship or temporarily suspending it.

I’m not talking about the occasional flare-up of anger that makes someone feel like hurting a loved one. Sadly, this is another aspect of human nature that we all suffer from. When someone hurts us, even when it’s a simple misunderstanding with someone we love, we tend to get angry. Anger makes us want to hurt the one who hurt us. This feeling isn’t abuse. It becomes abuse when you act on it and actually try to hurt the person you’re angry with. (In extremely rare cases, abuse happens without anger because the abuser has some sort of psychopathic or sadistic disorder where they enjoy hurting people.)

Abuse comes in many forms. Most abusers simply lose their tempers regularly and hurt people by hitting them, pushing them, throwing things at them, etc. They also tend to call them hurtful names, say insulting things to them, and treat them shamefully. More hateful, insidious abuse happens when the abuser harbors resentment. Spreading gossip is the most common form of abuse. It doesn’t matter if the abuser thinks their gossip is true or not. If it shames the person or harms them in any way, it’s gossip. Other forms of abuse include stealing or damaging a person’s property or something they value, deliberately neglecting the relationship, using them for sexual gratification or other selfish interest, etc. Resentful abusers can be quite creative.

Most abusers don’t recognize that they are abusive. They feel justified in what they’re doing. Many people slip into patterns of abuse temporarily when they’re angry or feeling wronged, but eventually it becomes a habitual response. Watch yourself.

Lesson: Make sure you never act to deliberately harm anyone, even in anger. If someone is deliberately hurting you, find a way to separate yourself from them. You can try talking to them, opening their eyes to their abusiveness, but you’re not likely to succeed here on your own. Get help from someone strong and trustworthy. Consider going to a professional counselor.

Avoiding Pain. Pain in relationships goes with the territory. We can’t avoid it completely, but we can do some things to reduce relationship pain. First of all, communicate. Communicate often, clearly, gently, and patiently. Second, watch for selfishness and turn from it. Strive to benefit others above yourself. You don’t have to be a martyr. You can take care of yourself too—just make sure you’re giving at least as much effort to the goodness of others as your own.

Don’t judge. When it appears someone may have mistreated you, give them the benefit of a doubt. When someone has clearly done wrong to you, forgive freely. When someone has been good to you for a long time, keep faith in that relationship. Be trustworthy, friendly, kind, and courteous. Don’t trust your feelings; they will mislead you. Don’t take abuse.

If you live this way, you’ll cause less pain to others, but you’ll also feel less relationship pain. It’s like a relationship pain anesthesia. If everyone lived this way the world would be a much better place.

Photo Credit: Pexels.com, Suzy Hazelwood