May 1, 2019, Debate without Hate
I chose that title because it rhymes. Most people don’t really hate the folks they disagree with, but I have seen a lot of anger and judging in political and religious disagreement lately. It makes me sad—not the disagreement, but the anger and judgement.
When we get angry with people in our hearts, we think we’re superior to them. It’s okay to feel anger with injustice and foolishness, but when our anger becomes directed at people who disagree with us, we think were more righteous or less foolish than them. Sure, people are foolish and flawed in many ways, but we all suffer that shortcoming. None of us is even close to perfection. When someone seems utterly foolish or evil in my eyes, I remember how utterly depraved I am and blind to my own shortcomings and my anger disappears like a popped soap bubble.
So, do we just remain silent? When we disagree with others, shouldn’t we speak out? It’s good to speak up, but generally we shouldn’t speak until we’ve curbed our anger and superiority. When we’re ready to take up a cause where we face opposition, there are a few guidelines we need to keep in mind.
Is it worthy? Many of the things that upset us, that we feel compelled to fight about, really aren’t as critical as we think they are. Romans 14:1, 10, & 13 tell us not to quarrel over disputable matters, judge those we disagree with, or treat them with contempt. When you think about it, almost everything is disputable. That doesn’t mean we can’t debate the many things we think are important, but at least 99.99% of the things we argue about aren’t really worth quarrelling over. They may be worth a spirited debate, but we need to keep it respectful, even light-hearted, recognizing that we’re probably missing the mark on both sides of the debate. When we quarrel, we are all so lacking in understanding that it’s foolish to judge each other.
So, curb your anger and judgement. Anger and judgement are both products of pride that come from thinking more highly of ourselves that we ought to. (Romans 12:3)
Avoid Labels. With the advent of social medial, the onslaught of judgmental labels has exploded. When you enter the public debate to support a cause, focus on the goodness of your cause without labelling your opponents. Recently I’ve seen friends of mine venting anger at “haters” with different religious or political views than theirs. I’ve also seen criticism aimed at “MAGA Christians” who support Donald Trump. I’ve seen the label “socialist” thrown around to discredit people who want to improve society through governmental programs. When you use these labels, you judge your opponents and blind yourself to their perspective. You are no longer capable of understanding their point of view. Since you’ve blocked out an area of knowledge, your thinking is flawed even if you do understand some fundamental truths. Fundamental truths become evil weapons when blind guides use them to attack opponents.
Speak for yourself. Use “I” statements. Say “I think” or “I believe” or “I feel.” Focus on sharing your ideas instead of attacking people you disagree with. Stay away from the judgmental, finger-pointing criticisms of “you” and “they” statements.
Seek understanding more than to be heard. We’ve all heard the cliché, “God gave us two ears and one mouth so we should listen at least twice as much as we speak.” It’s a simple truth, but we rarely do it even when we believe it. (James 1:19) When you understand the people you disagree with you can see their good intentions instead of judging them with a slanderous stereotype.
It’s so difficult! Most of these things people know about. I’m not sharing any new, profound revelation here. We fail to practice these things because we’re selfish, egotistical human beings by nature. We need reminders and practice.
It’s destructive. Most people think the main destruction in quarreling is the division it causes. That is huge. Quarreling divides our nation, ruins friendships, and breaks up families. But an even greater destruction is the damage it causes to our hearts and souls. When we quarrel, we corrupt ourselves at the very foundation of who we are. We feed the monsters of arrogance, resentment, judgement, hatred, and other destructive traits that live in all of us. We need to starve these destructive monsters and feed the part of our souls that is good, pure, wholesome, loving, etc.
Practice. Let me suggest a few areas where we can practice, in some disputable matters that are sucking a lot of good people into destructive quarrels right now.
I’d like to start with an issue that everyone seems passionate about: contemporary sexuality. We’ve adopted the label LGBTQ, but the issue is much deeper and broader than those issues. For simplicity, I’ll use that acronym.
On one side of this debate many of my friends quickly label their opponents with the word hate. It makes them feel righteous. Ultimately it makes them feel morally superior to their opponents and renders them incapable of fruitful debate. They can’t understand their opponents or comprehend anything they say. When someone disagrees with them everything, they say sounds foolish and hateful. Some of the rhetoric is foolish and hateful, but instead of fixating on that in self-righteous judgement, we can to ask questions to understand their hearts and minds. What good ideal do they believe in that’s driving their position?
In the Methodist church a lot of people are upset that pastors can’t perform same-sex marriages. They condemn the policy as hateful. They can’t respect that their opponents believe same-sex marriage violates God’s will. They’re striving for a good thing—God’s good plan for marriage and family. They’re not driven by hate. They simply disagree about what God’s plan is and what’s best for society.
On the other side of the LGBTQ divide many of my friends are dismissing their opponents as degenerate fools, corrupting humanity. They are blinded by the same superior judgement that makes it impossible to understand the issues of the debate. They also need to see that the people they oppose are driven by fundamentally good principles. They want to free people from marginalization for inherent conditions related to their sexuality.
Many Methodists who oppose same sex marriage demonstrate smug confidence that they are right and their opponents are wrong. Instead of being smug when we win a battle in our disagreements, we should be humble, hoping with fear and trembling that we really are doing God’s will.
Both sides of this debate are making the same mistakes, failing to disagree with godliness. Until we understand and respect the good intentions of the people we disagree with, our efforts to debate are in vain and harmful. Our anger reveals an excessive confidence that we are right and our opponents are inferior.
Another contemporary dispute with similar problems is abortion. Regardless of your position on abortion, you can practice respectful disagreement and seek to debate with wisdom and understanding rather than arrogant judgment. Your opponents may be mistaken, but they aren’t all hateful, perverse, ignorant, or whatever label you tend to see them with.
The border wall between the US and Mexico has been a hot political topic driving Americans to into rude rhetoric. Many people opposed to the wall see supporters as ignorant, racist, intolerant and hateful. These labels may fit some wall supporters, but not most. I personally think the wall is a mistake, but I’ve found that for many wall supporters it’s an act of love, not hate. They see it as a way to protect people from harm, like locking the doors when your family sleeps at night.
I’ve also discovered that many of my wall supporting friends look down at their opponents as anti-American fools. The truth is, most wall opponents love this country and have thought the issue through logically.
Angry people on both sides of this issue need to chill, and recognize that most of their opponents are good people, equally intelligent, caring, and patriotic. Ignore the small minority who may deserve negative labels rather than mistreating the majority who simply disagree with you on this debatable political issue.
These 7 practices:
1. Avoiding labels
2. Controlling anger
3. Refusing judgement
4. Considering the importance of an issue
5. Speaking for your position instead of speaking against others
6. Seeking understanding
7. Recognizing good intentions
can all help us debate without hate.