Instructions for a better Dwarrow Life (Part 1)

Post date: Feb 19, 2018 2:32:20 PM

---- by the Exalted Matron --- The Tablets of Khazadgund are proud to present a brand new exclusive column for our gazette in which the Exalted Matron, Dame Balbellina shares her profound wisdom with all dwarrows far and wide.

Advice to the Maidens of Thorin's Halls

--- by Dame Balbellina, Exalted Matron of the Grey Mountain Hall of Thikilgundu, Thrice honoured by the king, Bearer of the Sceptre of Zigilgund and keeper of the lost Holy writings of Gundabad

I feel it is incumbent upon me, in my position as Exalted Matron, and before I go to my tomb, to impart some advice to the gentleborn maidens of Thorin's Hall. Mahal knows you need it...

A Maiden's Day

As you grow up, you'll be given many opportunities for growth and wisdom. Use them! Here is a helpful outline of how young maidens might fruitfully occupy themselves throughout the day. Remember, summer hours are longer than winter hours, so plan accordingly.

Before the waking hour, dress yourself. A maiden who appears slovenly in the morning may never efface that unhappy image in the eyes of others, no matter how beautiful she may appear in the evening.

• • Hour 1-2: sing and play your pibgorn. Play loudly in your parents' bedroom so they can appreciate your industry as they waken.

  • Hour 2-3: numbers. When your father has gone out, correct his accounts, payrolls and vault ledgers, and so save him the labour.

  • Hour 3-5: cooking and butchering. Refrain from cooking centipedes, although a well-jointed bat always makes a tasty addition to stew (be sure to add ale to avoid that urine after-taste). This should be served for luncheon so make plenty. And if anyone doesn't clean their plate, give it to them again the next day.

  • Hour 5-6: rune carving. As a child, I learned that my father's shield was NOT considered a suitable material for carving!

  • Hour 6-7: study Khuzdul. Enlarge your vocabulary by speaking freely with servants and traders, and entertain your family at dinner with what you have learned. If they won't tell you what those words meant, you're probably better off not knowing.

  • Hour 7-8: Practice defence with your house axe. My younger brothers always deserved a good clip round the ear; perhaps you have similar family members to whom you can impart lessons.

  • Hour 8 to bedtime: dine with family and listen to Khuzdul tales. Take any tales from elderly relatives as the absolute truth! Things really were much harder in the old days.

Going Out

Appearance is so important! Every dwarf who sees you will form an instant opinion about who and what you are.

Modern hairstyles may be all the rage in Other Places, but let's not have them here! Those fantastical top-knots, so common with Gondamon market women and wenches that sell kitchen stuff, must be avoided. And never consider those dyed and powdered fripperies flaunted by the wanton missies of that vulgar town.

Associate yourself with dwarves of good quality if you esteem your own reputation for it's always better to be alone than in bad company. I can speak to that from personal experience!

A maiden should always appear controlled but not dour. However, balance is needed. Remember, she who constantly bursts into guffaws is considered vulgar. This must especially be avoided.

When another dwarf is speaking, do not sing, hum, or drum on the table with your feet. And especially, sleep not when the warlord speaks!

When you see an enemy being punished (especially an elf), you may be inwardly pleased, but refrain from throwing fruit (or anything likely to break bones).

If you emit a witticism, refrain from laughing at it yourself. This only appears prideful, or, if the joke isn't as amusing as you'd hoped, will be construed as fatuous and empty-headed.

If you hear gossip, no matter how exciting it seems, be not hasty to believe it, but take time to investigate. This might lead to more gossip, but at least it's in a good cause. And if you should meet a dwarf who bears unsightly scars or facial blemishes, refrain from goggling at him like some unworldly Noglond goat herder.

While in the homesteads, a dwarrow with any sensibilities will be sure to place a bucket below their goat's tail to prevent the roads becoming quagmires of effluent.

Manners when at Table

Nowhere does a gentleborn maiden reveal herself so clearly as at table. But fear not, I shall lead you safely through this miasma, whether it be from ale fumes or ignorance!

Never sit in the presence of the king or his queen, unless allowed to do so. Of course, once you've attained my age, you may sit wherever you like, and no one will dare interfere.

Dwarrows of quality should have sets of their own spoons, knives and forks, which they will take with them when invited out. Also, it's often practical to have an extra dagger to deal with those annoying wags who think it a good idea to put their hands where they shouldn't. Cutting off one finger joint should be sufficient to deter further annoyances and will save other maidens from similar intrusions.

Don't spit plum stones onto the floor, or throw bones under the table. I've been telling the king for years that it's a bad example to the young, but he is simply untrainable!

A maiden at table must keep the body straight, and not lean upon her elbow. Your elbows are much better employed for waking up your snoring father.

When you have meat in your mouth, do not smack like a pig, even if your granduncle does.

It is very uncourtly to drink so large a mouthful that dribbles ensue. You are not a warlord, and throwing down your ale as into a mineshaft is an action fitter for a court bard.

All maidens should wear a snood to stop beard oil dripping onto the table.

Finally, it is unmaidenly to use another's beard for wiping the face or scraping the teeth, and a most vulgar error to wipe one's nose with it. This applies even if the other beard belongs to your drunken brother.