Barin’s Guide to Beard Grooming

Post date: Nov 11, 2015 1:10:8 PM

-- By Barin Thickbeard

We’ve all seen them before, dwarves with scruffy or even filthy beards. They tend to be the dwarves not getting the best deals on the market, not getting that wink from those voluptuous lasses or being eaten first by dragons. I kid you not! Ereborian studies have shown you are twice as likely to be eaten by a dragon if you have an unkept beard, though it must be said that that study was financed by master Bulin of Bulin and Sons Beard Care. Regardless, a beard is the first thing other dwarves will see when they meet you and might just give you the edge you need to close that deal, win over those lasses, or give you the confidence to run away faster from that dragon. Hence, stating that a dwarf must always keep his beard clean and well-groomed is an understatement, it is vital for the success of any dwarf to do so! Thus, in this article, I, Barin Thickbeard, five-times-beard-of-the-year champion will tell the readers of the Tablets of Khazadgund the very secrets that have given me my legendary beard.

Beard-wash. Lots of dwarves don't wash their beards, or if they do, they use the bar of soap they use on their armpits; a truly terrible idea. You'll dry out your lovely beard and the skin beneath. Not to mention risk giving your beard a foul odour. Instead, wash your beard at least three times a week with a beard-wash-oil that contains grinded pumice stone, it will clean your beard thoroughly while preventing the hair from getting brittle.

Condition. Condition-lotion makes the hairs easier to comb and restores shine, a must for any beard. I recommend a thick, heavy-duty beard condition-lotion to keep your beard from getting too wiry. Consider the leave-in kind that you don’t have to rinse out. Just let the condition-lotion sit there, let the lotion do its work. Haven’t heard of a beard condition-lotion before? Then you urgently need to head to the barber as your beard may be in danger.

Beard-Rubs. Some barbers swear by beard-rub-lotions, lotions that must be massaged into the beard before any trimming or cutting is done. Not only does it relax the skin beneath the beard it ensures a more manageable beard when being trimmed. Granted, these lotions are hard to come by and only select barbers offer them, yet it’s worth finding a barber that offers beard-rubs if your beard is Longbeard style. Seeing they are quite expensive they aren’t really worth the trouble for shorter beards.

Trim it. There, I’ve said it... trim your beard! Even if you wish to grow your beard in the traditional Longbeard fashion, you simply must have a trim every two months. In order to let it grow thick, strong and long, you must get rid of the split ends in your hair and trimming is the only way to do that properly.

The Right Tools. For shaping the bulk your beard always use a fine scissor and a beard come. As, if you're using fine scissors, you're not as likely to cut off too much by accident, Mahal forbid. A barbers-blade can be used for the edges, yet should be always heated with warm water first.

Quality Products. There are many beard products on the market, some may even wither your beard like a dying sapling. Consider using 7-star Uzbad-grade products only. Not only do they use proven recipes that go back to the age of Durin the Deathless himself, but they are simply the best around and well worth the extra coppers. After all, who wouldn't want to have a beard like Durin VI? A King who swore by 7-star Uzbad-grade products after all.

Barbers. If you aren’t on the road much and don’t need to manage your beard yourself, then don’t. However, a good barber is as rare as Mithril. Don’t be afraid to change barber if you aren’t happy with the one you have presently. Note though, some legendary barbers (like twelve-time-barber-of-the-year Ereborian Grulin Goldscissor) have such a busy schedule; they have a waiting list to accept new clients. I was on his waiting list for 34 years, until one of his clients was called to the Halls of Waiting. Some fathers register their children with a legendary barber at birth, ensuring they will have a spot when their beard starts to grow full. In other words, don’t waste time finding a good barber.

Pomade. Pomades generally give the beard a slicker, shinier appearance, yet they aren’t for every dwarf. Dwarves of the Blacklock clan have a long tradition of using pomades; rarely will you see a Blacklock that doesn’t use a form of pomade in his beard. Beard-pomades seen in the west though don’t have the restorative properties seen in Blacklock pomades, which is more important as the hair length increases. Pomade is usually scented and in the case of Blacklock pomade, pigmented with black dye. The high end products, exclusively of Blaclock make, utilize various combinations of iron oxide to create darker shades. Unless you can get hold of a premium Blacklock pomade I would stay clear of pomade altogether, as some inferior products out there will damage your beard. Moustache wax, a stiff pomade, is however recommended to hold the extremities of the moustache in place, when applied in moderation.

Brilliantine. Like pomade, a beard grooming product intended to give the beard a shinier appearance. It is a product any self-respecting barber will not sell to dwarves, as it will soften the beard hairs; and in case of frequent use make the hair thinner and the ends brittle. If you must have a shiny beard use premium Blacklock pomade.

Eat a healthy diet. Some dwarves swear by seed-cakes and coffee, others suggest roast-pork with salad is best, and even others believe Porter is the drink for a healthy beard. I however believe a well balanced, healthy diet is good in general for hair and skin. Though, when I drink ale, I swear by Porter myself, always giving my beard that extra shine.

Sleep . Losing sleep will slow down beard growth. So if you want a healthy, full beard, take care to get sleep at least seven hours a night.

Eat with care. How do you keep your lunch out of your beard? I recommend taking small bites and wiping your face after each one. Always ask for extra napkins at eating establishments and don’t let the ale drip into your beard, it may cause it to discolour.

Of course, some of this beard-grooming advice might seem too fussy, maybe contradicting the very idea of your dwarven ideal? Well... I disagree, as a dwarf simply must take care of his beard! Beards have a strong presence. They're the first thing that any person you meet will see. Grooming is worth the effort. Or as my grand-father would say: Khuzd tada ma tamrazi iglukhul maraza targhu, ta'laji Mahal hefsu (A dwarf that does not keep his beard well kept, shames Mahal Himself).