I have been Blessed by God to be alive for over 65 years. Step by step, God has led me to this day, to this day of an eyewitness account of His sure Mercies within my life.
From day one of my young life, I followed God and felt God’s Love, whatever I did and wherever I went. My Christian upbringing and my mother’s interventions led me to God and Christ, with the correct attitude of ‘The Lord our God, the Lord is one and love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself’ Mark 12:29-31, ESV. But when I was ten years old, my parents’ separation caused me to gradually walk away from my God.
I must admit, the type of person I had gradually become since my parents’ separation was someone completely different than who I am now. I was so very selfish back then. Seeking only what would please me and at any cost to others. I was materialistic, acquiring personal belongings that built up my inner ego and self-esteem. I was extremely rude to others when I was out driving in our vehicles, never giving an inch to anyone. Oh, yes, I still went to church, but I wasn’t fooling God, was I? I was not pleasing Him because I was doing everything for myself. My marriage was even suffering, and the ‘Hell Hole’ that I had dug for myself made me above average on the discontentment side of things. Now you must be thinking, ‘There’s nothing here that differentiates this behavior as anything different from that of a normal hypocrite, or at least I should beef this up a bit to sound more intense for a good story.’ I was worse off for the simple reason I DID NOT HAVE GOD IN MY LIFE. My Bible reference to this is in Romans chapter 1:18, ESV, and this verse reads, ‘For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who (men) hold the truth in unrighteousness;
Then, on August 15th, 1990, I was reading the Book of St. Mark, KJV chapter seven, and when I came to verses 20 through 23, which states all that is in a list, that defiles a man from within. I took all that Jesus said into my heart, as my own, even those I did not do. And in so, upon finishing those verses in my thoughts, a bright light shone over me, warming me within my body and soul. I had to keep my eyes down upon my Bible and close my eyes three separate times, for the light was so strong and long-lasting. When at last I opened my eyes, the light was gone, and I looked up. Immediately, the morning sun came out and filled the room with a golden hue for three minutes. After that, the whole day was overcast. Everyone in the house was asleep. Being silently brought back to Jesus Christ was a deep transformation from within. It felt like an awakening in my mind. Newness in my heart that is with me when I wake up and stays with me throughout the day, and at night when I sleep. The forever joy that enveloped me has continually gotten me through the very toughest of times. God’s Grace is perfect, and I am born again. So, with this warmth of the white light and the affirmation of the sun, from all that time to now, it has left me with a spiritual oneness with Jesus Christ. In which all has changed my life instantly and forever, Amen.
I am living proof you can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. I am living proof that a leopard can change its spots.
During that time tho' there were some major negative happenings that affected one of my children, which totally and completely pierced my heart. I had such a difficult time dealing with all of this, and no support system, and in my mind, no God. I spiraled downward into deep despair. I was unable to control this situation, which ultimately brought me to my knees. The stress was overwhelming; I wanted to die.
To continue on: One morning, while I was home from my fourth hospitalized stay of two weeks, my husband sat down on the edge of our bed and looked at me and said, “Jan, you need to stay on your medicine. You are breaking up this family, and no matter how bad it makes you feel, you need to stay on it.”
From that moment, I stayed on my medicine, and for those first two years, I was literally ‘on the couch,’ and I would pray to God to materialize a gun so I could kill myself. No matter how hard I would pray, it never happened. That ordeal on the couch was a very difficult time in my life. I was trying to rear three small children to have the proper morals, values, and principles that children needed from a stable environment. I felt mentally of an overall badness that was like a heavyweight in my brain. I was suffering from the side effects of the prescription drug, which was also making me suicidal and very depressed. I did a lot of praying and crying on that couch.
Synopsis:
I do have some good days, but the bad days are too frequent. I must continue to take my medicine. I also utilize my support system, which consists of positive prayer from my family and professional help from our local medical facility. My children and I are close, and even though they are grown and have moved out, they still seek me for advice and help in their adult lives. My marriage has continued to last over 41 years because I have adhered to The Lord’s subjection in our relationship as it states in Colossians 3:18(19-21), ‘Wives, submit (Be faithful, respect) yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit unto the Lord. (Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things; for this is well-pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.) which, in doing so, has also added to my contentment in life.
A ‘Positive Spirit’ letter to minister and influence the Love, Peace, Hope, and the free gift of Grace from God.
Positive Spirit
Winnemucca, Nv.