GRASPING FOR THE WIND
Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 KJV
The Emotional and Mental Struggles of Life
As Perceived From The Perspective of a Schizo-Affective
The dealings of bad behavior within each individual is our own choosing between wrong from right. Our choices delve from knowing the differences between the two, good and evil that make up our existence of life. Lead us Oh Lord, we pray.
I am Schizo-Affective; I know the difference between wrong from right and the processing of good and evil from within my mind. I will expound to you on three separate occasions as when I walked away from doing the wrong and evil choices that was so compelling in my mind to do.
OCCASION #1: 1987
I was not on medicine during this first incident, and did not know about anything pertaining to my disease. My daughter, so I thought in my mind was ‘talking to me’ without using her mouth. Her lips were shut but I heard words coming from her by interpreting the expressions on her face from my mind. As discipline I hit her on the back 3 to 5 firm slaps and told her not to do that. I knew what I was doing, I knew I hurt her, when she did it again, so I thought, I said a prayer and walked away from her, to let God deal with her. This was the only time I was abusive with my child(ren) during my 4 psychotic episodes.
OCCASION #2: 1987
I was still not on medicine during this second incident; I had been taken to the hospital once or twice by then and released. I was cutting a pizza with a sharp knife because my mother suggested it and because the pizza cutter had disappeared. While trying to cut the pizza and struggling with such an ordeal, my mother came in with my driver's license in her hand that she said was ruined in the wash. In my mind I heard my mother telling me all kinds of degrading accusations on how worthless I was and how terrible I was for letting something occur. I overcame the extremely strong impulse and urgent desire to plunge the knife that was in my right hand over and over into her just to shut her up! Instead, I calmly put the knife down and walked away from her and went down the hall and into my bedroom and with tears in my eyes kneeled down in front of my crucifix and prayed until the situation passed from my mind. After I came home from my first hospitalization, the driver’s license was not ruined at all like I had seen at first when it was resting in my mother's open right hand.
OCCASION #3: 2006
I was on an anti-psychotic medication change from Resperidol to Geodon due to double vision in my left eye caused by the Resperidol. This medication change was my request to my psychiatrist and it was granted by her for me to do. Within 2 weeks I wanted to kill my beloved husband. I envisioned doing what I had been compelled within a persistent overwhelming desire to get out of bed and go into the utility room and open the toolbox and take out the hammer and casually walk up to him while he was sleeping in bed and hammer in his skull over and over and then kill myself. I saw myself doing it from within my mind, it had to be done, it must be done and now! Over and over this situation beckoned to me as it played in a deeply comforting had-to-do thought. But I chose not to do it. Instead, I suffered there in our bed praying through the night and didn’t get good sleep and the next morning I got up and made him his lunch for his day at work. When I sat on the edge of our bed and looked in the mirror and thinking back now, I saw a woman I didn’t recognize with black lackluster eyes, I had no soul. That morning I called our mental health professionals and was instructed on how to go back to my original dose of medicine that I was on before.
Thinking back on these three occasions, I know for certain, if I had given in to the wrong and evil choices that had been set before me within the helplessness of my mind, I would have been granted instant forgiveness from Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour. Unknown certainties shape our lives.
St. John 3:5-8 Jesus answered, “Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the Kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again. The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.
Our Decisions
Your lessons of life are many,
You allow us to stumble and fall,
For You are there to catch us,
And guide us thru them all,
We try to be too perfect for You,
Which creates a conflict in our minds,
For Your are there to heal us,
And help us thru those times,
In all ways we call Your Name,
In times of stress or fear,
For You are there to comfort us,
And always You are near,
We sense You all around us,
We need not speak to You out loud,
For at times our hearts do all the talking,
And then words are not allowed,
The Path to You varies for all,
It is our choice to follow or turn away,
For once we step in Your Direction,
Nothing will make us stray,
There are many that use You for profit,
And many that abuse Your Name,
For the ones that Truly Love and Serve You,
To be with You in Heaven is our only gain.
{Found in Contentment Part I Poems of Love}
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