I am visiting my sister and her husband. Walking into the front room from outside I notice my brother-in-law deep in troubled thought and I see he is fighting turmoil inside of him and I gently say, “Ed, are you alright, what’s wrong?” And without looking at me as his eyelids lowered he starts talking as if I am not there, and through me his words are of intent and are contrary to his easy and gentle nature of his soul. I listen to his words and a chord of disbelief and horror and a severe warning as the bells go off inside of me the danger breaking inside as he talks without emotion of sound. I continue to stand there as he emits words as they formulate phrases of crude joking against opposite races. I hide my horror well and understand without thinking he needs to say these things to me and at me. I gently and quietly laugh here and there as his unaccustomed vulgarity emits from his breath. A gentle bantering starts between us as usual whenever we talk about things and I glance over at my sister here and there and I see her face of concern as she sits there quietly hearing what her husband is saying and as I keep my side of our conversation easy and light. A cop’s wife knows the breaking point of her husband, and me, just knew out of instinct to keep quiet and maintain my levity and see and feel his real pain of sorrows. I am in my late teens and the crossroads of life and death have no meaning for me and when he is done telling these jokes and statements that are so against his nature I quietly walk up to my sister who by now has her head bowed in prayer and ask her if Ed means any of this and she compassionately looks over at her husband and oh so very whispers to me, “No, he doesn’t.”