The following is a running commentary on my academic journey. In a Microsoft Word document, this translates into a 110 page book, so take your time and come back often. I hope you appreciate the open-source nature of this content and respect my identity and personal experiences.
TUESDAY, APRIL 24, 2012 10:56 PM #madwriting
The fact of the matter is, I can't sleep. People used to tell me that I sleep so well because I have a clear conscience. Maybe tonight I am feeling guilty.
ANTM ~ Cycle 16 ~ Episode 8 (2011)
I'm thinking negatively today. Instead of thinking of the world as my oyster (and what does that mean anyway?) I'm thinking of it as a garbage dump. Like a vast wasteland, it doesn't matter if I put forth energy into cleaning it up, it's so massive and polluted that it doesn't make a difference what I do.
Instead of believing that people are altruistic, I'm believing that everyone is selfish and greedy and that's no kind of world that I want to live in. I'm thinking about long-range missiles and oil-consumption. I'm thinking about John Edwards and his love-child. I know it is useless to toss and turn over things I cannot control.
I'm also thinking about myself. I preach about reducing waste and recycling, yet I drive a gas-powered vehicle 400+ miles per week and drink coffee out of styrofoam containers daily. Some people think about the world as something we have no control over, like it doesn't matter what we do, entropy of the universe is always increasing.
On a good day, I imagine each person making small changes that add up to a big difference. I imagine the ideas spreading by education, "teach a person to fish and he eats for a lifetime," something like that. But then some days hormones take over and I can't do anything but cry and look around for the nearest exit.
My previous post described public/private. A doublet of talks I attended last week by Uma Chowdhry furthered this line of thought. I heard that corporations are now allowed facebook pages (with the new timeline feature) which give them the appearance of being equivalent to a person. Corporations hold certain values and skills, for example DuPont has core skills (polymers, fluorine chemistry) and values (safety, teamwork), but they are not a human-like entity. Although the buzzwords of sustainability can be found everywhere these days (did you know that 7% of Americans eat fast food daily?) its hard to believe that corporations care anything about solving the world's problems. Unless you think that making money for shareholders is the most important problem to solve in the world.
Stephen Wolfram ~ Singularity Summit 2011 ~ Rule 30
Given that I watched a talk by Stephen Wolfram about finding a computer program that explains all the complexity of life out of all the programs in the world (and all combinations thereof), I asked if DuPont would move to share non-patented non-published data with the public, such that it could be mined at large, and the answer was NO because the intellectual property of corporations are their bread and butter. I can understand that. She said that it was simply too much data, and it would not be likely that anyone would be able to make sense of it. I simply do not believe that. I would much rather like to believe Wolfram and the power of possibility. Hey, I might not be a gifted computer scientist, but I do like searching for patterns in nature. With the wealth of chemical-biological information tied up in corporations like DuPont and Monsanto, I wonder if we (ALL OF US: industry, government, universities, tinkerers) could better make sense of nature if we had more data.
Therein lies my public/private theme. Putting a happy face out for the public, while keeping valuable information private, puts a big frowny face on this bitch.
ANTM ~ Cycle 9 ~ Week 6 (2007)
And another thing that keeps me up at night is trash. Speaking of fast food... I spent Earth Day 2012 at Disneyland in Anaheim. The amount of waste generated there must be immense. The amount of electricity to run the park is staggering. For entertainment? What's it all about? I was reading about recycling of aluminum and although Americans are recycling more cans, they are recycling less food packaging. When you eat at home, you cook the food in re-usable pots/pans and eat the food off of washable ceramic dishes with metal utensils, then store the leftovers in plastic/glass reusable containers. What about when you eat on the go? Or outside the home? Bingo! Waste! When are people going to get the message?
If you want to use the words "sustainable" it doesn't follow that you are a corporation who only cares about making money (hello First law of thermodynamics) not everyone can be making money all the time unless money equals entropy (hello Second law of thermodynamics). But by what law is it true that the universe is constantly expanding and there's no way we can control or understand it? Is that faith? And if we are guided entirely by faith, who is to set down the rules? And if we follow one set of "rules" or dogma, does that mean everyone else is wrong and they should be put to death?
Another talk I went to was Tim Steimle. I really liked some of what he was saying, but he always has a great way of making me feel really stupid. As he starts to drift into the lexcion of hard-core spectroscopy, my thoughts wander, and then I remember, "Hey pay attention, this is why you don't get this stuff!" It's great to be a "forever student." Like a cycling mentor once told me, "You gotta ride with people who are faster than you. If you never get dropped, you'll never get faster."
I forgot to mention that the fireworks at Disney brought tears to my eyes. Twice. That Tinkerbell was something else. If wishes and dreams can come true, I hope to feel better tomorrow. Thank you and goodnight.
Labels: cycling, education, hate, motivation, pain, science, spring, technology, writing
2 comments:
Reusable Containers Apr 25, 2012 02:37 AM
Amazing! This is fantastic :)
Photovoltaic Solar Panels
Kayla A. Kaiser Apr 25, 2012 05:33 PM
Thanks for the links. I have written in my journal for 3/28/12 "What is the cost of solar/wind power? Why not have a small network of mini-turbines like pinwheels that can be a small wind farm? Why not get panels mounted on the roof? What could we operate by that kind of energy? How much does it cost to blow-dry hair?" Let's get renewable!
SATURDAY, APRIL 14, 2012 1:03 PM Swimming or Swept away?
Thinking I could maintain weekly posts was ridiculous. The current is too strong.
Omaha skyline and Missouri River
Speaking of which, I heard a very powerful story about a baseball player who tried to swim across the Missouri River while in town for a game against the Royals (something every Omaha-an has thought of doing at some point). Now being married to a man who has a family history of male relatives ending up 6' under due to boating/water-related accidents, the possibility of something going terribly wrong on the water is very real to me at least. Undertaking this post-doctoral teaching experience was like jumping into the river without knowing anything about how it flows. I feel like I don't know where my career is taking me, except that I am trying to stay on the "fast track" and it's an exciting ride. I'm just hoping the undertow doesn't overpower my will to fight to stay on top of it.
Since my last post, I've administered a midterm, celebrated Easter with family, and obsessed about getting "caught up" which has very little chance of happening (see prev. paragraph). I actually took a week of quiet time at home. My husband and I took some major steps toward making our little house more liveable. I turned down some opportunities to attend seminars. I just felt like I needed rest. My family and friends started to buzz with worry. Then that worried me. Should I be worried about myself? Is there something going on that I can't see?
P4 activation by group 3 metal arene complexes | 23 January, 2012 | Wenliang Huang and Paula L. Diaconescu | Chem. Commun., 2012, 48, 2216-2218
This week, I had dinner with two women profs who have survived the tenure process. It was refreshing and inspirational. I also sat on a panel of profs representing different choices regarding graduate school, there were 6 women Ph.D.s on the panel in neuroscience, ecology, microbiology, organic chemistry, physical/biochemistry and analytical/biochemistry (me). It was interesting to be a member of the panel, hearing the other prof's advice, meeting the personnel from career services, and fielding students' questions. With their level of experience, it is even difficult for juniors and seniors to know what to ask, and this is why it is so hard to make a solid (informed) commitment to a graduate program right off the bat.
I also attended NSF Day @ USC, which presented junior faculty and staff with an overview of the federal funding process. The program officers were informative and approachable, encouraging us in every way to submit our ideas to the review process. I'm looking forward to getting some of my/our ideas down on paper and translating that into resources for my research group, which has grown in number to 3 students!
Merging chemistry and biology is a message I shared with my students this week as we talked about the chemistry of life (made up of just a few elements: C, H, N, O, P, S). This is part of the superpowers harnessed by the being known as Swamp Thing. It could either be a living mass occupied by the soul of a former biochemist, or perhaps one could think of it as the research love-child of the Alec Holland and his wife Linda, fictional comic book characters who invented a Bio-Restorative Formula that would solve any nations' food shortage by allowing plants to grow even in a desert. Seriously, this is right up my alley! Abiotic stress and plants' ability to survive it via metabolic reconfiguration is exactly what I study and it was great to share that with my students, along with the cutting edge research we are exposed to via seminars.
AND, we are doing some outreach this week in celebration of Earth Day! I'm looking forward to seeing my students (college age) interact with elementary school students, as they make green cosmetics.
http://www.sciencebuddies.org/science-fair-projects/project_ideas/Chem_p022.shtml
http://pbskids.org/dragonflytv/show/makeup.html
I'm so proud of what this cohort of freshman has learned in Chem 14/15.
Cool pictures here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/55505874@N08/sets/72157629332257440/
¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!
Also coming up is the 2012 VEX Robotics World Championship at the Anaheim Convention Center and we're going to Disneyland. Just like my Smart Car, smaller can be better, as Mus musculus has known for 4 million years, or thereabouts. I'm looking forward to seeing the innovations of our country's most talented youth. Go Robotics!
Labels: distance, education, family, goals, green, science, spring, teamwork, technology, writing
THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2012 9:29 AM between the sheets
This post is about the following
Point #1. public vs private
Point #2. healthcare, drugs, wellness, holistic medicine
Point #3. fashion, art, beauty, youth, hotness
Point #1. I've been "working from home" which has been amazing. I'm getting back in touch with Glendale and how much I love it. All this resting and being sick has made me reconnect with my pets and the things I love about our little house. Seeing my neighbors and saying hello is a simple pleasure in life. Spending daylight hours in the house and watching my garden grow have been a part of my days over the past few weeks and I am loving it.
My Biking Friends Tom and Kenilynn Bongiovanni
I just read an article in the USA Today about sharing personal health information via facebook. The article was about women who share that they have miscarried on facebook to their closest 500 friends. I wondered what health information I would put on facebook. I wore my breast cancer awareness ribbon to class yesterday in honor of my friend Kenilynn McGuire Bongiovanni who shared on facebook this week that she has cancer. She is so strong, I am sure she will be counted among the beautiful survivors.
I'm enjoying being inside my house. Does that mean I am a private person? I do really enjoy having alone time to listen to the sounds of nature all around me. There are so many birds in this neighborhood, probably because we are near a water habitat (the LA river) and a sanctuary (Griffith Park). I'm also a public person, I love being around people. I was considering taking my grading down to the Glendale Galleria. There's almost nothing I enjoy more than camping out at a mall with wireless internet and catching up on schoolwork. The work that is tedious, repetitive, yet instructive and important can be made much more enjoyable with a scenic, continuously changing backdrop.
When my mom was visiting, she confessed how much she liked eavesdropping on people around us. I guess I do too, actually I really like seeing other people interact. I feel like I'm learning about humanity in general. One time, I heard a manager (male) giving career advice and mentoring to a younger (female) manager. His language was so strong and commanding, her language was so diminuative and I could see why she was an unsuccessful manager. She counteracted every one of his strong arguments with a weak one, and hardly listened to the advice he was giving her about how to solve the problems between employees at her store location. So that was an aside, but forgive me, it was a good story.
So what I mean is that we're all public when we're out in public. We can be public when we're in private via the internet (sharing). Where's the room for privacy? Is it still there or is it a myth? Is it important?
Point #2. Everything involving these topics to me is scary! When a medical problem (symptoms) arise, generally people are advised to go to a doctor. The doctors can pass you around (referrals) until eventually one of them gives you a program (prescription). You are to go home and administer this medication (drug) to yourself and watch yourself for side effects. In follow up appointments, you are asked to self-report any symptoms (and people are usually untruthful). I feel like our medical system overall is broken and I'm hoping never to get ensnared in it. The costs are enormous now because medical technology is amazing (expensive). We can save lives now.
Dr. Kayla A. Kaiser says... commute by bicycle!
What I'm interested in is something more preventative. A long-term comprehensive solution to our healthcare issues would be something to address the inputs (food calories) and outputs (physical and mental activity) of our daily routines. We should take into account karma (transportation sometimes 10,000 miles for food to travel from where its grown to your plate). We will soon have the power to browse our own genomes, and possibly epigenomes. Here we can also turn to molecular therapies (biological drugs) to compensate for errors at the genetic level. Another area to explore is data collection. When the realtime acquistion of biological data (proteomics, metabolomics) can be combined with data mining (bioinformatics), biological (physiological) outcomes may be predicted and an emergency physician can be automatically notified. This is where I hope we are headed.
I think we can also do better in the area of education. I think if we can get people cooking, buying more responsibly, carrying their own groceries the distance to their homes (no burning of fossil fuel), perhaps even growing their own food (container gardening is possible). In the 1950s, Americans grew 50% of their vegetables in their own backyard. In my dreams, I see myself with much more land. But seriously, by teaching people to take that labor upon themselves, perhaps we can see the diet change on its own. People will be proud of what they have grown, they will eat with pride, share with their neighbors and grow together in love. Well, that's why I plant seeds. Seeds of chard and seeds of knowledge.
Pitzer College: Provida futuri, Mindful of the future
Claremont McKenna College: Crescit cum commercio civitas, Civilization prospers with commerce
Scripps College: Incipit vita nova, Here begins the new life
Point #3. They say youth is wasted on the young. I think I lived my youth pretty well, thank you very much. I may still be in it right now. I have always had the impression that I wouldn't live very long. Maybe because I had a brilliant, talented, bright, beautiful cousin who died while jogging while still a very young woman. I always think of amazing, inspiring women who died (or disappeared) before their time. Therefore I always try to maximize my life, live each day as if it really was my last. It turns out that this is pretty hard on my body. I tried to go for an epic hike and gave myself a water-borne illness by leaving a packet of EmergenC in there and not bleaching it (or tossing it) out before using it again. I rinsed it with dishsoap, but apparently this is not good enough. Then after vomiting for 12 h and eating the BRAT diet for 4 days, I tried to jump right back into a normal Monday. Ok well not a normal Monday. And not after a normal weekend. Anyway I sprained my calf by doing rapide grand jeté at the end of my adult ballet class and getting a massive pain in the lower leg. I'm still limping a little and it's been a week + 2.5 days.
Fertility, Agriculture, Seasons
Anyway, part of the reason I push myself to go on crazy hikes and ballet classes is to maintain a size 8. See that little hourglass shape of the number 8. If you turn it sideways it looks like infinity ∞. Anyway, I am trying to preserve these "child-bearing" hips and keep a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7 for the purposes of fertility. Although I don't wear makeup and sometimes I don't put any product in my hair (the benefits of being a chemist) I do worry about keeping my body in shape. I've been playing a little game with my students. For every piece of glassware that is left out on the benches, we must do one push-up or one pull-up. My husband has noticed my arms are growing in size, be that from eating at the drive-through window (since my leg sprain) and skipping workouts, or be it from actually doing these push-ups and pull-ups. I certainly noticed it was easier to move desks around in my classroom yesterday so that all of my students could sit and take an exam together.
Having spent some time at the Getty museum, and watching re-runs of QE on Netflix, I feel I want to say something about art and beauty. Definitely ballet qualifies as using the body to make pretty pictures, in 3D, that's one of the reasons I like it. I think career-wise looking young may work against me. Sometimes I feel like people are helping me too much, like they don't think I can do it on my own. But that's part of being young, accepting help from those who are more experienced than you. How did the great masters become great? By apprenticing in the studio of a master! So that's why it's fun to think that I'll be starting my research up again with an apprentice of my own. YEA science & art. Let me be fertile in all areas. But also let me remember that I occupy a physical body which has certain requirements and limitations. Help me to be patient and remember that it takes time for the body to heal itself after injury and that the process of building muscles and bones is continuous. Bodysculpting is a lifelong art.
So I called this post between the sheets because I am trying to value resting. And procreation! Happy wedding anniversary my love!
Labels: career, community, cycling, dancing, education, goals, green, interdisciplinary, love, motivation, nutrition, plants, spring
SATURDAY, MARCH 24, 2012 8:38 AM upping the ante
I have literally experienced so much in the time span since my prev post, it's hard to know where to start. The highlights go a little something like this: (Spring Break) catching up on organizing papers and cleaning house, 4 mi hike (Food Poisoning) sick for 2 days. Mom comes into town (Horse Races) and we go sight-seeing (Getty Museum). My cousin raced in the rain (Team Swift) and we saw some stars (Griffith Observatory). We were planning to go to the Chinese Theater and Beverly Hills but the LA Marathon was going on so we hit a cafe (The Trails) instead. Got to hang with my aunt also who educated me about Einstein, Tina Fey, and great organizations such as http://www.farmvetco.org/ that she is putting her brand architecture skills to work on. The visual story about seed swaps warmed my heart.
This past week at school I heard the research talk of Eileen Spain. We also met in my office to discuss being a woman scientist married to another chemist (which we have in common) and I shared my passion for outreach and teaching general chemistry with her. She got me thinking about fluoride and fluorine chemistry. I heard the research talk of Matthew Benoit. He called our neighbor's cat Fluffy a fathead. He studies evolution of cats by measuring various skull points and graphing the data in such a way that divergence between genus and species can be seen. It's called multiphasic allometric analysis. Various types of comparisons can be drawn from large datasets to support classification and evolutionary conclusions.
I also heard a talk at the Athaneum by Oran B. Hesterman. He shared his personal struggle with ulcerative colitis and how it caused him to have a paradigm shift in his thinking about food. He teaches agronomy. He founded http://www.fairfoodnetwork.org/ which is to aid food suppliers in connecting with social workers so that federal food assistance dollars can go farther and directly into farmer's hands rather than to Wal-Mart where people more likely purchase pre-packaged foods. It was a call to action, he was recruiting us to become part of the solution to the obesity epidemic as well as spending more federal dollars on ag research and public education rather than spending it on subsidies for a limited number of crops. He acknowledged that food solutions are going to become increasingly more necessary as the global population continues to rise.
I sprained my left calf muscle at adult ballet class. It was impossible to walk on Tuesday and Wednesday. I had to take baby steps and kind of crab-walk (sideways) to avoid stretching the calf. It was awkward, but nice at the same time to be forced to slow down. I spent more time enjoying the birds and squirrels on my walk from Center Court (CMC) to Humanities (Scripps) to teach my lecture on Wed and Fri. Luckily by lab on Thu and Fri it was feeling better. This means no hike, run, or bike this weekend. Massage tomorrow! Want to eat junk food these days. Want to bake scones and coffee cakes. Why am I so stressed?
Labels: education, green, interdisciplinary, pain, plants, running, science
SATURDAY, MARCH 10, 2012 8:28 AM Fitness Fridays!
Considering weekly posts. Thinking about plants, reproduction, scalability. Keep them safe, and let them learn. This is how I got addicted to twitter and neglected my blog, along with complete sentences. I am on "Spring Break" and awaiting a visit from my parents (separately, of course). I've attended so many amazing seminars, I can't keep track of them all. My summer student has been funded!
2012 Mar 8 09:39 PM Thu I looked up at the moon and thought, what a great night for an evening walk, the moon was amazingly full.
I attended a seminar by an accomplished geneticist who is a professor at University of Southern California on Feb. 29th at the Women in Science dinner at Scripps College. What an amazing experience! She encouraged all of us to be ourselves, to embrace our inner "bitch." Ahem-on-a-bike! I heard a talk at the Athaneum at Claremont McKenna College by a professor at Singularity University, and a 'restless inventor,' who pointed out that with regards to technology, we can expect exponential progress leading ultimately to a crossover point where humans and technology become one. It's already happening.
I heard a talk from a scientist at Pioneer/Hi-Bred which is part of DuPont who uses DNA shuffling (every day he's shufflin) to identify key amino acid residues in proteins responsible for efficient detoxification. In this way, farmers can use selective herbicides to target weeds without harming their crops. I went to a workshop for Writing Intensive courses in the Sciences. The professors of English were constructive and gave me the courage to try a Cypher with my students on the last day of class before spring break. Thermodynamics, it's a rap!
Looking forward, I see the San Dimas Road Race (18-Mar), the RBC Time Trial (8-Apr), NSF day at USC (12-Apr), and the Verdugo Mountains 10K (6-May). Looking forward to the Commencement Ceremonies (3 in one day) on 12-May. I see the the IGERT Symposium (15-Jun) the Pagent of the Master's (8-Jul). I'm celebrating my 32nd birthday in Chicago! Speaking of which, I hope to run tomorrow morning in the Downtown Dash... gotta run!
I may not be reproducing myself right now, but my chard is adorable. I got some 2 L bottles from the Water Quality Lab and blinged them out using superglue. Then I transferred my seedlings into them and voila! These are seedlings from seeds produced by plants that grew to maturity at my roommate's house on Leafhill Pl in Riverside (33.960421,-117.343296).
The title of this post: Fitness Fridays! refers to a concept my husband and I developed while working in different cities all week. Now, we live under the same roof but work quite hard all week. So it's the idea that to break the tension and let go of the stress, we do some kind of fitness. We crank up the music, and get some wacky YouTube videos going and crunch it out. I had a sweet rotation going last night between crunches, pull ups, and push ups. I told my student, who is on the ballroom team, that I am in training for next year's 'Dancing with the Claremont stars.' I love motivation.
Labels: 10K, 5K, education, family, motivation, plants, science, spring, time trial, writing
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2012 9:47 AM As of late...
I feel like I am totally messing up and totally succeeding at the same time. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, the wrong thing, too little, or too much. I guess that's where one's own sense of intuition into what's right and wrong comes in to play. I feel like I'm happy with my figure, but I don't feel healthy. At the end of the day I feel absolutely exhausted. I feel like my heart is beating too fast and I am trying to move too many agendas too far each day. But I'm afraid if I slow down, I'll fall off this train, and it's been such a fun ride so far.
I entitled this picture (excuses) because I've used the weather as an excuse to skip exercising for two mornings in a row. I mean in Nebraska, this would be considered a nice day. We'd try to sneak something in. But in California, these hazy mornings mean sleeping in. I see a few people strolling the sidewalks of Glendale, but not many are out. Last weekend, the visibility was 10 miles, so I hiked up into the Verdugo Mtns and took a picture of downtown LA. Yesterday, the visibility was 3 miles and today it's 1.5 so I just told myself to skip it.
My weight on the scale went up, but also has my activity level over the past three weeks. I will get a performance evaluation on Tuesday which I am looking forward to. I justified skipping workouts since I've been so hard on myself lately, I might actually need a rest day. Today we are getting massages. We've had a contract for monthly (or more) massages at a chain called Massage Envy. It gives me an excuse to shave my legs at least.
So when I start skipping workouts and making excuses, I tell myself to think of exercise as a daily pill. Instead of taking an antidepressant pill, weight control pill, birth control pill, immune system boosting pill, vitamin D pill, I just go for a walk. There's nothing wrong with spending an hour a day in nature. Moving.
So I guess you could say the view from my handlebars is getting better. Got to sneak in a ride with RBC on a Tuesday night. It was great. I worked at UCR during the morning, then took my bike to Don's for a tune-up. Then, I headed down to Adams via Victoria and La Cadena Dr. I love the scenic glamour of Riverside et environs. I have no idea where we went on the ride, but it was my first night ride in a long time. I remember passing across Overlook at one point and thinking, I'm glad we're crossing this beast and not heading up it. I missed my biking friends and it was a sweet rendez-vous.
I've been doing some crazy gardening. I germinated a bunch of seeds under lamps and transferred them to the front lawn. If they survive, we'll eat them all summer!!! Our new goal is to OCCUPY GLENDALE until July. Glendale is awesome, it's nearby a bunch of fun places. In July, we will visit the windy city of Chicago. So by then, the garden will either be established or wilted from not surviving. It's crazy windy here. There was a wind advisory (above 35 mph gusts) for this morning. Take that Chicago.
Labels: cycling, dancing, education, goals, motivation, plants, positive, riverside bicycle club, science, vitamins, weight loss, winning, winter
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2012 12:00 PM advanced maternal age
Tuesday, February 7th I attended a lecture at the Marian Miner Cook Athenaeum at Claremont McKenna College. The speaker was R. Scott Hawley, who is an American Cancer Society Research Professor at the Stowers Institute for Medical Research in Kansas City, MO. His talk was entitled "When Good Eggs Go Bad--Because Sometimes Even Chromosomes Aren’t Perfect."
retinoic acid
He talked about the process of meiosis, which takes place in humans when the female egg cell meets a male sperm cell. 23 chromosomes from each cell have to meet and pair up in order to start the process of cell division, yielding a single hybrid offspring containing 46 chromosomes. Mistakes can be made in the process of preparing genetic material (DNA) to participate in this complex dance of macromolecules, which can result in too many or too few copies of a chromosome to be present in the offspring. When 3 copies (instead of 2) of chromosome 21 are present, characteristics of Down syndrome are observed.
Because females make all their eggs while they are themselves yet unborn, the eggs can become exposed to a range of environmental factors over the course of a woman's life, putting them at risk for DNA damage and defects to their eggs. Males by contrast can make billions of sperm at a time, on a daily basis (and they don't start doing it until puberty) by a process regulated by retinoic acid. Prof. Hawley showed this frightening graph (which I recapitulated using data from this source) relating risk of chromosomal abnormality and maternal age, and I started watching the clock tick-tock. My biological clock.
There are countless studies showing that modern women are delaying child-rearing in favor of their careers. And there are women like Sarah Palin whose son Trig has Down syndrome. Rick Santorum has a daughter with too many copies of chromosome 18. The conversation over lunch this past week turned to the church's pressure for couples to reproduce (and political opposition to funding contraceptives for women of child-bearing age). It's all too real and scary for my brain right now.
(c) Pavel Popov
Environmental and lifestyle factors affecting a woman's probability of experiencing fertility problems include: age, smoking, excess alcohol abuse, stress, poor diet, athletic training, being overweight, and sexually transmitted infections. As I consider the possibility of getting pregnant, I am also wary because of the amount of risk factors present in my own life (being a chemist and living in a pretty high-stress, pollution-rich area). I try to strike a balance between over and under weight, under and over exercise, good and poor diet, I guess moderation is the key. Given the nature of information these days, one could probably justify anything.
What I don't like is that it somehow sounds like Eve is being blamed for everything again.
Labels: education, motivation, nutrition, science, weight loss, winter
THURSDAY, JANUARY 12, 2012 9:51 AM Fountain of Youth?
This post is dedicated to a good friend who has been my comrade in wellness-oriented life-choices. Many months ago, he asked me to investigate a substance called TA-65 which is reported to actually lengthen telomeres. Telomeres are at the ends of chromosomes, which are long strings of genes (DNA) that encode each cell's machinery. A human is composed ~ 10 trillion cells! Each time a cell divides, the telomeres become shorter. There is a correlation between telomere length and healthy heart & immune system. Some researchers even believe telomere manipulation will help cure cancer.
Astragalus membranaceus
The compound TA-65 and a related molecule TAT2 (Cycloastragenol) are isolated from the root of the Chinese herbal remedy Astragalus membranaceus which has been in use for over 2,000 years to increase metabolism, promote healing and enhance the immune system.
Looking at the molecular structures, I see a structural similarity to the endogenous hormone estrogen (Estradiol). The difference between TA-65 (proprietary structure I found through SciFinder) and TAT2 (discovered on Wikipedia) seems to be glycoconjugation. I have not had enough time to read up on the mechanism of action of these molecules, more reading for another day no doubt!
As far as the fountain of youth goes, I think the telomere shortening over time is part of life. To partake of herbal remedies is fine, but to believe we can stop the clock on aging is a myth that has flourished since the 5th century BC. Although it is great fodder for art (Eduard Vieth, a Viennese painter who worked around the turn of the 20th century AD) it is probably not a good thing to tamper with.
Labels: education, plants, science
1 comments:
Anonymous Jan 12, 2012 02:01 PM
Human cells that were taken from an 89 year old man were made very very young again, in form and function in the late 1990s by Geron corporation and they never aged again and were immortals, just with telomerase production being stimulated.
Harvard reversed the ages of mice so old the were close to death in 2010, to a very youthful state with just 30 days of telomerase activation.
2011 Mayo erased the signs of aging twice in mice just by getting rid of the short telomered senescent cells in them.
TA65 has been shown in studies to induce telomerase in cells, and to reduce the short telomered cell counts over months of taking it in published studies.
For more info and info on humans taking it check out Dr Park MD MPH and his patients and observed changes while taking TA65 where there is a ton of info.
http://www.youtube.com/user/drpark65
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4, 2012 12:33 PM 4SSSS
sac·ri·fice/ˈsakrəˌfīs/
Noun:
An act of slaughtering an animal or person or surrendering a possession as an offering to God or to a divine or supernatural figure.
Verb:
Offer or kill as a religious sacrifice.
Synonyms:
noun. offering - oblation - victim - immolation - prey
verb. immolate - victimize - offer
suf·fer/ˈsəfər/
Verb:
Experience or be subjected to (something bad or unpleasant).
Be affected by or subject to (an illness or ailment).
Synonyms:
endure - bear - undergo - tolerate - sustain - stand
As I was finishing up my dissertation, the two words that sprang to my mind were sacrifice and suffer. I felt I had sacrificed so much of myself (physically and emotionally) as an offering to the Academic gods. I felt I had bled, and that I had made many offerings. But the definitions of this word pointed out to me that it was not an empowering term, that it painted me as some kind of prey or victim.
Then I found suffer, which resonated a bit better. Endurance is one of my specialties. Now that I've made it "through the ringer" I feel as though my two new words for 2012 are sanity and satisfaction.
Also got a kick out of this vid also about pain and suffering. Explains how cycling helped me finish my Ph.D.
Posted by Kayla A. Kaiser at 12:33 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: goals, grad school, motivation, pain, positive, winning, writing
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2011 9:27 AM Setbacks
I found out what happened to my back. My sister diagnosed me over the phone on Dec 12. A nerve root compression at L2-L3 or-L4 vertibra. Either a bulging disc or a muscle impingement. She told me to take 800 mg ibuprofen but I've been taking 440 mg of naproxen sodium instead. (see prev post) Then I started taking her recommended dose of ibuprofen after I realized the bottle of naproxen was expired. Now my stomach is all irritated. Stressed stomach.
I'm on total rest until my back is healed. That means my backside is starting to channel Kim Kardashian and J-Lo. All the holiday eating! I've already crept up to the 150+ lb zone which puts me at OVERWEIGHT. Damn. Dear husband predicts I will tackle the weight loss battle again in the new year. Between cycling, walking, weight training and tennis! We shall overcome, sing it with me Oprah and Janet!
Looking on the bright side, I have a rehab plan involving mucho core strength, which will put me back in the running for the Riverside Raincross 5K, which isn't until Feb 25, 2012. Maybe I'll plan to walk it, but I love that race. Sitting here with a back brace to keep my spine in a neutral position isn't fun. I'm feeling a deficiency of sunlight in my life. I hate these short days. Wait, I thought this was the bright side...
Labels: C25K, goals, pain, running, weight loss, winter
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2011 11:11 AM Holiday Half 2011
I was doing so well preparing for this year's Holiday Half. Right up until the turkey hit my belly.
Mission Inn 10 km Run 2011
The Mission Inn Run (10K, Nov 13th) was a good milestone and I was on track with training 3x per week until the week of T'givs. Ran the morning of T'givs but since then I haven't run in 3 weeks. Nothing. No crunches. No pull-ups, dips, push-ups, lunges, curls, presses...
My back is totally a wreck. I spent the past few weeks bound to a desk chair or confined to a bucket seat (in my car) and it has taken its toll. I can bearly walk and talk or draw with chalk. I have a permanent hunch. I have tried applying a volleyball to the middle of my back to prop myself up so I can continue working. Typing this is excruciating and I have so many online homeworks and lab reports left to grade before the semester's grades are due.
After 3 weeks of no strength training, no cardio, no flexibility, I feel like a flab monster. I hear it takes a week to recover from one day's missed workout. Based on that math, it would take me months to recover from this fitness break. It was such a blur to me it's like the last month didn't even happen.
YESSSS. It's already been brought-en.
And I am already registered for the half tomorrow. I promised myself I would reward myself with something fun when I survived my Ph.D. defense (which was this past Wednesday, Dec 7th, and I PASSED with revisions). So should I do it (show up and finish the race) or not?
I'm concerned about my own state of health. Since starting at Claremont, I'm burning ~3000 cal per month, compared with twice or four times that (which kept me sane and fit). I have to find a way to keep up with training. Dance? Swimming? Other cross training that I'm overlooking?
Labels: 10K, dancing, distance, education, fall, goals, grad school, motivation, pain, running, science, winter, writing
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2011 6:37 PM Mission Inn Run ~ Race Report
Place overall 400 (out of 744 runners)
Place in age division 32 (out of 70 women ages 30-34)
Out of all women 188 (out of 451 women)
Total time 1:07:21 minutes
Pace 10:50 minutes per mile
Satisfaction! So if I can't write about everything now, forgive me. I hope to have more time soon. I had a great time running this course and I'm proud of myself for training and enjoying it.
Labels: 10K, distance, fall, family, goals, green, love, Map My Ride, motivation, mountains, nutrition, pain, plants, pool, running, shoes, teamwork, technology, weight loss, winning
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2011 11:37 AM Airborne
I have been taking this since Saturday because I felt stressed and under the weather. I had planned to get a flu shot on Monday, so I wanted to give my immune system a boost. Here are the contents of this *Effervescent Health Formula*
Vitamin A (retinyl palmitate)
Vitamin C (ascorbic acid)
Vitamin E (dl-alpha-tocopheryl acetate)
Magnesium (as oxide & sulfate)
Zinc (sulfate)
Selenium (chelate)
Manganese (gluconate)
Sodium (bicarbonate)
Potassium (bicarbonate)
Maltodextrin
Lonicera (flower)
Forsythia (fruit)
Schizoenpeta (aboveground parts)
Ginger (dried rhizome)
Chinese Vitex (fruit)
Isatis (root)
Echinacea (above ground parts)
Glutmine
Lysine
Then yesterday my colleague says to me "I was part of a settlement... We sued the company because the product doesn't work... But I've never even taken it... I got $15."
I've taken supplements like this all through college. I tried MANY non-FDA regulated supplements which were later part of litigation. How can we expect to transition to plant-based remedies, where people can grow their own medicines and promote more sustainable health care, if people do not trust plant blends to supply them with nutrients? People take pills easily, without question, but why are such nutraceutical blends attacked? Maybe we just need more data...
Labels: career, distance, education, fall, nutrition, plants, science, vitamins, writing
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2011 3:39 PM The Formula
Recently I attended a friend's wedding in Wisconsin. She complimented me on my skin tone and appearance and asked me (indirectly) about my skin care regimen and am ashamed to admit that I was a bit dismissive. It wasn't because I didn't want to share my "skin care secrets" with her, it was perhaps because I am embarassed about its expense and complexity.
Daily
Clinique Redness Solutions Soothing Cleanser (US$21.50, 5 oz)
Elizabeth Arden Visible Difference Refining Moisture Cream Complex (US$54.50, 2.5 oz)
Erno Lazlo Total Skin Revitalizer (US$80, 1 oz)
Erno Lazlo Intensive Decollete Cream SPF 20 (US$95, 2.1 oz)
Clinique Sun SPF 50 Face Cream (US$18, 1.7 oz)
Clinique All About Eyes (US$29, 0.5 oz)
Weekly?
Alba Botanical Deep Sea Facial Mask (US$9.99, 4 oz)
Dr. Mercola's Organic Acai Night Moisturizer (US$37.80, 1.7 oz)
Clinique Repairwear Intensive Eye Cream (US$40, 0.5 oz)
These are my current go-to items for skin care. Many of them were recommended (or gifted) to me. Those items that are mainstays are the Elizabeth Arden Moisturizing Cream and Clinique SPF 50 Face Cream. If I forget (or run out) of either of these, my skin quality deteriorates rapidly. I get rosacea on my forehead, cheeks, and chin (commonly called the T-zone) from sun exposure and air pollution. A product that forms a barrier between your skin and the atmosphere is a must in Southern California.
Gardner and Garbo
The weekly (pampering) treatment is administered to soothe my skin when it's become overworked. This may come from many hours in front of the computer, holding my head in my hands, sitting in front of a bonfire, or any other activity that doesn't involve excessive sun or wind exposure. When my skin is already stressed, I don't do extra beauty treatments like masks. When it's just run down through routine, I find I notice a difference after a night treatment of Acai Night Moisturizer combined with Repairware Eye Cream. I use the Botanical Deep Sea Mask to unclog pores and give the appearance of smaller pores, it seems to have an astringent effect. Always good to have is a freezer-stored eye mask, to reduce swelling around the eye area. Cold cucumber slices covering the eyes also work well.
Living now so near Hollywood, it's fun to think of the celebrities (pictured above are two starlets who were treated by Erno Lazlo before his death in 1973) who have used skin care regimens formulated by chemists. Lazlo also treated Jacqueline Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, and Audrey Hepburn, among others. Erno Laszlo was a Hungarian-born medical doctor, who earned a reputation in skin quality improvement after treating the Princess of Belgium
Elizabeth Arden
Florence Nightingale Graham (died in 1966), who went by the business name Elizabeth Arden, was a Canadian-American businesswoman who built a cosmetics empire started by a collaboration with A. Fabian Swanson, a chemist, to create a "fluffy" face cream, bringing a scientific approach to formulations.
Josephine Esther Mentzer (died in 2004), who went by the business name Estée Lauder, became more interested in her uncle's business (chemistry) than her father's (hardware). She agreed to help her uncle, Dr. John Schotz, a chemist. He owned a company called New Way Laboratories, which produced numerous beauty products (creams, lotions, rouge, and fragrances). She called one of his creams Super Rich All-Purpose Cream and began her business by selling beauty products to her friends. Evelyn Lauder, daughter of Josephine, paired with dermatologist Dr. Norman Orentreich to create the Clinique line for Estée Lauder. The same company also owns Aveda, incorporating the healing properties of Ayurveda (the Hindu science of longevity) and aroma, while producing products that are as organic as possible and produced with greater environmental responsibility as a guiding principal.
Estée Lauder with a customer
I definitely understand that appearance isn't everything, but the face is key to making a good first impression. I am happy to be teaching at the Claremont Colleges and I do so without wearing cosmetics (foundation, concealer, shadow, rouge, lipstick). But I still engage in skin care. And I appreciate the efforts of pioneering businessmen and businesswomen who combined an interest in sales with improving the appearance of our facial skin and for formulating protective creams that allow us to enjoy the atmosphere regardless of how polluted it is and how many DNA-damaging free-radicals and UVA and UVB rays encounter our faces each day. Even 10 minutes in the sun without these creams and I notice a decline in my skin quality.
Hurrah for chemistry and for those willing to work at the interface between medicine, chemistry, art and fashion! Do I spend too much on these products? Is it worth every penny? What would my skin look like if I washed it with Dove soap? I can't tell you that, but I can say that since beginning the Erno Lazlo products (August), I have received more compliments than before when I was using only the E. Arden and Clinique regimen. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.
I want to also articulate that the ingredients in such creams and lotions often have botanical origin. I believe that as issues of sustainability and biodiversity become more widely appreciated, the cosmetic and cosmaceutical industries will continue to offer improved formulations of bioactive creams from natural sources. A friend I met at the Max Planck Institute for Chemical Ecology in Jena, Germany works toward the characterization of molecules isolated from plants used in traditional medicine in French Polynesia. She holds a patent on a natural product with antioxidant properties that is currently formulated into a skin cream. Chemistry is beautiful!
Want more?
Chemists' Corner: Organic Cosmetic Standards Podcast (39 min) with Gay Timmons , who owns and operates Oh, Oh Organic, Inc., a company committed to the development and delivery of sustainable agricultural ingredients for the cosmetic and personal care industries.
Cosmetics Design: Formulators Need Green Ingredients Podcast (2 min 39 sec) with Dr. Liliana George, Executive Director of Strategic Developments, Research & Development, Estée Lauder.
Potions and Lotions: Lessons in Cosmetic Chemistry Activity Learn more about solids, liquids, solutions, mixtures and solvents, oils, waxes, emulsifiers, emollients, surfactants, stabilizers, antioxidants and how they apply to cosmetic chemistry. Hosted by ScienceBuddies.com
Labels: career, education, interdisciplinary, love, motivation, nutrition, plants, positive, science, vintage, vitamins, winning
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2011 5:55 PM Swimming upstream, or, Finding the current
Reflecting, for a brief moment, on the changes that have come my way in recent weeks.
My wardrobe has been pared down to business dress. And workout clothes.
My schedule has been unpredictable and hectic. I feel disorganized 99% of the time. (OK this is not different than usual.)
I am smiling constantly. A whole new range of body language has begun to express itself.
I am starting to talk to myself. Nicely.
The shoes on my feet are for style and safety. And have been bought in the last week.
I see more of my husband. And less (he is killing me in a weight-loss battle).
I feel closer to (and farther away) from my fierce female friends. Go Scripps!
I hold my head up high. People actually listen to the words coming out of my mouth.
I haven't been for a run since moving to our new house in August.
Labels: education, family, goals, love, meditation, motivation, positive, running, science, summer, teamwork, weight loss
TUESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2011 9:07 PM Goldenseal: friend or foe?
Hydrastis canadensis
In periods of stress, a person could be written a prescription for the newest anti-anxiety medication (see prev post) or a person of botanical pursuasion such as myself may tend to look to Gaia (Mother Earth) for treatment. My dear sister, who for the moment shall remain nameless, recommended to me a while back the tincture of Goldenseal root.
I looked at a small bottle of Goldenseal root extract in a store in Riverside and didn't buy any. Or if I did buy it, I didn't take it and now it's lost. I forgot why. Recently while celebrating the Ph.D. defense of a good friend, who shall also remain nameless, we ran into a herbal store to see what kind of stress-mitigating substances they might be carrying. With my first paycheck in the bank, I decided to splurge on the stuff I had been prescribed by my sister years ago.
Berberine
Hydrastine
The "Supplement Facts" certify that 1 serving of this product (1 mL) contains a minimum of 5 mg Hydrastine and 10 mg Berberine, both isoquinoline alkaloids (can you spot the structural similarity?). A single serving of this extract is said to have been prepared using 500 mg of plant root.
The root is the active part of the plant, it is harvested in the autumn after the plant has died down and is dried for later use. It is said to be antiperiodic, antiseptic, astringent, cholagogue, diuretic, laxative, stomachic, tonic. It is used mainly in the treatment of disorders affecting the ears, eyes, throat, nose, stomach, intestines and vagina. I am intrigued and have taken 3 doses so far.
1) Friday before a Red Eye flight to the East coast - in green tea - 1 mL ( too strong )
2) Sunday/Monday after whirlwind weekend trip - in green tea with milk/honey 0.5 mL (still too strong)
3) Tuesday afternoon - 0.5 mL in decaf coffee with milk/honey (EXCELLENT)
So I'll keep you up to date on my personal experiment. It is recommended not to exceed 10 days of this treatment. Hoping to cut carbs from my diet and banish anxiety. Hit the RESET button on my metabolism.
Also note on previous post RE: vitamins, I think they accelerated some of my cavities. When I entered graduate school I was accused of not being a serious chemist because I didn't have bad teeth. The things we go through in the Ph. D. process to prove we are serious...
Labels: nutrition, plants, science, vitamins, writing
Location: Glendale, CA, USA
MONDAY, AUGUST 8, 2011 10:53 AM file > new > blank document
So I have a week left until I need to start showing my face around the new campus. I am not terrified, but for some reason I am having trouble with the transition. My husband says from his perspective it's like I am "sitting down right before crossing the finish line." I've never done that in a race, so why am I doing it in real life?
I remember in the LA County Half, I was sooooo frustrated with myself for having to walk almost the entirety of Mile 10. I knew I was closing in on the home stretch, but my legs simply wouldn't work. I guess that's what this feels like. After an incredibly productive week last week, I am sitting down right before the finish line.
my baby-doggie, Edna Jo
What's wrong? I feel like there's soooo much to do, it's hard to start. I am starting to feel grounded here at the new house. Thank goodness. After a year-and-a-half of feeling like the rug was snatched out from under me, because of living apart from my husband and baby-doggie, it didn't seem right. So at least we're under one roof again and I think that is definitely helping me find my center.
Everything is working out as well or better than we had hoped. Yet, I can't seem to find the motivation to finish the dissertation. Spending 8+ hours per day in front of a screen, watching the blinking cursor, combing through notes and files accumulated over 5+ years of study, trying to synthesize all this knowledge into a coherent summary with references, it is maddening! It's so much easier to turn my energy towards a task that can be completed in an afternoon, or even a week. This project (the dissertation) you could say has spanned 5 years, focusing on the write-it-up part for the past 6 months.
So with that I will conclude with a quote I found on twitter:
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." ~Mario Andretti
Labels: career, distance, grad school, motivation, pain, summer, writing
TUESDAY, JULY 26, 2011 3:53 PM Dorkin' Out with Team Garmin-Cervelo
Forerunner 110
So I have a bit of a crush on Thor Hushvod and I am happy to finally have given myself a moment to blog about it. Watching Le Tour this year has been inspiring me to "take the high road" i.e. do some climbing on my morning commute. It also encouraged me to set goals and develop a winning team, so I was stoked when team Garmin-Cervelo won the team competition in Le Tour. At my bicycle club Winter Holiday Party last year, we did a white elephant gift exchange and I got a DVD called Beyond the Peloton. That's how I got the crush.
Anyway, I got a Garmin Forerunner 110 as a gift from my husband last month and so far it is pretty cool. I can easily see the route if I upload the data to MapMyRide, which I had been doing before manually and sometimes it would take quite a bit of time to remember where I had gone. The Garmin works for both running and biking (that I have tested) but all my workouts seem to upload with a "run" default setting and I have not yet figured out how to change that. Other than that it beeps at me at each mile. That's kind of encouraging. I track my workouts under the username fb.KayK.679. Then I can see if I'm overtraining in one area or another (biking/running/aerobics). Also I can track my weight and mood and how that corresponds to what I've been doing. At least that's what I use it for. I used to post my workout stats to a Leaderboard with another club member, to compare things like distance, calories, pace and weight, which was also pretty motivating. Supposedly you can swim with the Forerunner 110 too, as long as you don't dive.
So should I retire the Nike+ device (see prev posts RE: elation, frustration, realization, and commiseration)... Well the watch/USB fob logged 89 miles, the shoes have 231 miles. So it worked about 38% of the time, give or take my accuracy in uploading workouts manually. The Nike+ system seems in retrospect more geared to Apple users and I am not one of those. No iTunes for me, but for those who do, it has the potential to coordinate your playlist with your run. So I guess I may give in to my Garmin. Especially since the Nike+ was not compatible with cycling. MapMyFitness has all kinds of features besides cycling, so overall I am happy with that platform, even though most of my profile is cycling-related and I access it through MapMyRide. I know they have a good iPhone app, but I use my Sanyo SCP-2700, which is just as good for me. Speaking of triathlons, I dropped my phone in the jacuzzi in La Jolla, took it apart, let it dry out for 3 days, put it back together and it is still working fine. The Nike+ wristband has been a handy watch even when it didn't work for uploading run data. I don't think I'll trash it just yet.
While I'm doing a technology review, [ahem, avoiding writing my dissertation] I might as well tell you about my Shell Eee PC. "Easy to learn, easy to work, easy to play" (Eee) is the company motto and I think they did a good job. I've had it since before I went overseas (over a year). It has been my video phone for Skype (low-cost international) calling and videoconferencing. I've written my dissertation on it, thanks to a large hard drive (250GB). I am addicted to multitasking and the Intel Atom processor has yet to overheat like my previous Tablet PC. Which my dad and I tried to fix like this, and then had to take it in for service to get a new mother board put in. I installed Google chrome for browsing and use pretty much the entire Google suite of cloud computing solutions. And just now, I had forgotten to save the entire above writing and it restored itself. It weighs less than 4 pounds with AC adapter and I can take it everywhere on my bike. Obviously I use it to track my wellness activities. Also I use it to back up photos taken with my phone. All this technology supported my husband and I while living apart for the past year and a half. I tagged this post "green" because the Eee PC's annual electrical consumption is less than $3.
I tagged this post "weight loss" because I am back in a size 8 for wedding season. Hurrah!
Labels: cycling, distance, education, grad school, green, motivation, riverside bicycle club, running, summer, teamwork, technology, weight loss, winning, writing
MONDAY, JULY 18, 2011 10:20 AM A liberated woman!
GREEN STATS from MAPMYRIDE.com Since 02/18/2009
Total Workout Days: 496
Distance Traveled: 4,547.33 mi.
Gas Saved: 252.63 gallons
Money Saved: $879.15
Carbon Offset: 4,890.9 lbs. of CO2
Total Burned: 203,916 (kcal)
My bicycle liberates me from a dependence on gasoline. My bicycle liberates me from excess body fat. My bicycle liberates me from sitting in traffic jams. My bicycle liberates me from anxiety and depression, bringing me closer to my friends and relatives. The bicycle liberated women from having to wear 35 pounds of heavy dress (as was common prior to 1890s, before the golden age of cycling, around the time of the founding of my bicycle club).
Viva Le Tour de France!
Labels: cycling, distance, green, Map My Ride, riverside bicycle club, weight loss
WEDNESDAY, JULY 6, 2011 4:07 PM Crossroads
You know how sometimes a concept gets stuck in your head and you can't shake it and you don't know why or how it got there? It's times like those when I put pen to paper (so to speak) or in this case fingers to keyboard. If I can't flush out the meaning by exploring my own thoughts, then there's no hope for me as a writer.
So the theme of a crossroads keeps popping into my head. In the context of life, research, birthdays... thinking about each aspect of my life seems to land me at a crossroads. Got me thinking about the blues, i.e. Robert Johnson, selling my soul to the devil for a mess of talent in one specific medium (guitar or chromatography or writing for example). Let's say this is the dark side of being at a crossroads, being somewhere mystical (between worlds). Desperation, confusion and danger seem to previal in this concept of a crossroads. Criminals and those who took their own lives were traditionally buried at crossroads. I wonder if there is any astrological significance to this day or week...
I was also thinking about crossroads in terms of travels, knowledge and ideas. Certain places become wealthy of thought by being geographically positioned at a crossroads. Different cultures encounter each other and exchange of wisdom is mutually beneficial. The same could be said for academia and our IGERT training program being a crossroads between traditional disciplines. This seems to be a rosy view of the meaning of a crossroads.
Finally we come to discuss my birthday. Finding onesself "at a crossroads" implies that one is literally in crisis. A crossroads is a turning point, with an unpredictible outcome. Personal crisis occurs when events trigger extreme tension and stress within an individual which require major decisions or actions to resolve. Crisis can also mean "a testing time" or "emergency event." I would say the culmination of my life's educational phase and entry into professional work is such a type of crisis. Not to mention preparing to defend my dissertation, which is a battle of its own. Becoming truly an adult, potentially a mother, and owning up to my new status in society... I am at these crossroads.
There's also somewhere in my psyche poems by Robert Frost and the ethos of the Cowboy Way in contrast with Kit McCallum where the twentieth century message of choosing to take the "high road" is updated to something more like "choose the best road for you or make your own road" rather than bending to society's pressures regarding which road is the best. I'm not sure how to choose where to go from here, to be honest. I guess I need to slow down and keep setting aside time for myself to think and process everything that is going on in my life right now.
The crossroads is represented visually by the christian cross and the mandala, which are useful in meditation practice for focusing attention and according to Carl Jung help the artist work towards wholeness in personality. My dear roommate has encouraged me to draw lately. Perhaps the mandala is the way to go.
Labels: education, family, goals, grad school, interdisciplinary, meditation, summer, writing
THURSDAY, JUNE 16, 2011 9:58 PM Busy Bee
June has been very busy so far and it's not going to get any less so. I remember what I was told about 10 years ago at the UNK Gold Torch Mentoring Weekend, "you can have it all but not all at once." Seems like as the health comes and goes, so does the intimacy in a marriage/friendship, and the financial security/stability provided by a job/career. At least for one moment you may have it all. The Gold Torch society's motto is “To be born a girl is a gift we were given. To become a woman of wisdom and courage is a gift we give the world.” This picture reminds me of our family's strength in numbers and how we support each other in large and small ways.
As I make progress towards wrapping up here at UCR and get prepared to head into full-time teaching, I am reflecting on great mentors I've had over the years and the wonderful people who I have had the privilege to mentor along the way. I have a quote running through my head and I hope I can find it. Meanwhile a few gems from the archives:
"Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken."
--Unknown, presumed deceased
"It's not normal for a woman to read! Soon she starts getting *ideas*, and *thinking*..."
-- Gaston, Beauty & the Beast, Disney
"Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good."
--Charlotte Whitton
"Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels."
--Linda Ellerbee
"God gave women intuition and femininity.
Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met."
--Farrah Fawcett
"Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed.
If I fail, no one will say, 'She doesn't have what it takes.'
They will say, 'Women don't have what it takes.' "
--Clare Boothe Luce
Labels: 5K, beach, career, family, love, motivation, ocean, running, summer
THURSDAY, MAY 26, 2011 5:05 PM Debt crisis?
Thinking about education costs, so I made this graph comparing annual cost to attend each of these schools. A quick comparison of schools I have attended (UCR, ASU, UNK, MetroCC) and schools I have or will be teaching at (Scripps, Claremont McKenna, Pitzer, UCR, CSUN, ASU, UNK, EMCC) and a few others purely for comparison sake (Sarah Lawrence, Creighton, UCLA, UCSD, RCC) reveals a trend of doubling as the institution becomes more elite. Of course California is more expensive than Arizona, and both CA and AZ are more expensive than Nebraska.
With state contributions to schools dwindling, I wonder how much longer states can provide higher education to their residents. I also wonder how realistic it is for 18-22 yr olds to shoulder such a debt burden after 4-6 years of this. UCR graduates incur an average debt of $17k for their entire education, the total burden eased by a combination of work study, loans, and parental contributions. Whew! I feel like I need to step up my game 2-fold...
Labels: career, education, motivation, pain
WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2011 11:20 AM Bathing Beauty
As of late, I have been trying to take good care of myself, physically and mentally. To this end, I have been taking 1 bath per week. Into the hot bath I put about 2 oz. eucalyptus spearmint foam bath, 1 Tbls. lavender body oil, and 5 drops lavender home fragrance oil. I soak in the bath for about 20 minutes, until I have worked up a good sweat, breathing deeply. The humidified, perfumed air clears my sinuses and my mind. The hot water loosens my muscles, usually I massage my legs and shoulders, squeezing them out like sponges. Then I rinse off in a cold shower until I feel all the sweat is gone, letting the water hit my neck and spine. Then I turn the shower back to hot water. I hear this increases circulation and detoxifies the nervous system.
Because I am in the middle of writing up my Ph.D. dissertation, I am always thinking about science. I was soaking last week and it occurred to me that I would probably benefit from having some bath salts also and it got me thinking about writing a blog about bathing chemistry. How do all these components aid the body and what else could be added to enhance the quality of the bath?
I found a long article about epsom salts that was pretty informative. Also found some good recipes on a site about lavender baths. I think there are many reasons why this kind of bath would be therapeutic. Contrary to popular belief, it is not lactic acid in the muscle that causes muscle soreness after exercise, but small tears in muscle tissue. I would argue that soaking in hot bath water would increase circulation, and hence delivery of nutrients and bloodflow to repair damaged areas.
My chemist's intuition tells me that adding salts in the bath would increase osmosis (movement of water) from inside the body to the bathwater, assuming the salt concentration in the bathwater is higher than inside the body, although this may only occur in the outermost layers of skin and may not affect deep muscle tissue. If water is being transported from inside the body to outside of it, it could carry (water-soluble) toxins with it. Maybe a more likely route for detoxification is via sweat.
The other point is the salts themselves. Muscle action cannot take place without movement of sodium, calcium, and potassium ions. These ions are not found in epsom salts (which instead contain only magnesium and sulfate) so that would suggest that a bath of sea salt would be better. Comparing sea salt composition to salts found in the human body, we find that sea salt provides an abundance of chloride and sodium, with sulfate and magnesium in lesser amounts, whereas the human body contains more calcium with potassium, sodium, chloride, and magnesium in lesser amounts. Sulfate is present in the human body but in trace quantity (less than 1%). There has been evidence that soaking in saltwater can increase corresponding salt concentration in the body, although the precise mechanism is unknown, so perhaps soaking in a salty bath could help the body regulate and reset its contractile and message-conducting salt composition.
Besides salt, taking a bath in oil is a tradition thousands of years old. Seems like coconut oil is most recommended, but olive, sesame, or other nut oil is also recommended in addition to pure vitamin E (molecular structure shown here). Oils contain this and other antioxidants, which may act directly on the skin or diffuse into the body. I also wonder if adding activated carbon would help adsorb organic toxins and wonder if it would work even in the presence of bath oils. All I know for sure about the oil bath is that my husband appreciates the softness of my skin. It's like it enhances the contrast between man and woman, making me seem more attractive to him.
I found a lot of hype related to therapeutic baths on the internet, it seems like there are some interesting areas left to explore in this informational landscape. Or better yet, go take a bath and see for yourself! Wellness is as wellness does.
Labels: grad school, heat, meditation, pain, positive, running, science, writing
FRIDAY, MAY 6, 2011 9:17 PM human beans
and sometimes we just go out dancing
Labels: dancing
FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 2011 12:45 PM Making Progress
Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees. I think anyone who undertakes a large project experiences this feeling. And I rarely take on small projects.
I can happily report that my Nike Zoom Nucleus MC+ and Nike+ wristband have escorted me through 200 miles already. They are "misplaced" at the moment so I ran this morning with my secondary pair of Asics. I am still on the fence about Running Through Redlands this weekend because I haven't been doing the long distance training and I feel like I have no time.
My dissertation is progressing although still not fast enough. Just like I wish I could run 8'30" miles, I wish I could write 830 words per day. It just doesn't work out like that. The good thing about writing is that I can really take a look at the "forest" and see my project from different angles and it makes the lab work run more efficiently because I see how each experiment fits into the larger picture.
This is also why I normally enjoy long-distance events. Good for building perspective about one's place in the world and the amount of energy we expend in getting ourselves around in it. Getting around on foot on bicycle is a direct use of the energy we put into our bodies. Better to fuel ourselves with healthful sources of energy and then burn it off doing fun stuff (like running) instead of jumping in our cars and driving to McDonald's... Not to be hypocritical so I have to admit I do both. But getting groceries on foot or spending the energy to garden, cultivating one's food in the backyard, really relates to sustainability and health. This is my spinach & chive patch. It's been producing for over 6 months now. I strongly encourage backyard/balcony farming.
Another topic of note: medium-chain triglycerides (MCTs). Perhaps these have been written about before or someone told me about them, but I am discovering them anew by reading a book I borrowed from UCR's science library. MCTs are abundant in coconut oil, are more soluble in water than long-chain triglycerides, and can be broken down in the mouth, stomach and intestines. Research studies involving this class of molecules have proven that MCTs can be used by the body as supplemental energy for exercising endurance athletes. In addition to carbohydrates, the incorporation of MCTs in sports drinks increased performance in a 40 km timetrial by about 2 minutes over a control group using only carbs. This got me thinking about fats used in all types of cooking and pre-packaged foods. I vowed to myself to try to improve the quality and variety of triglycerides I will include in my diet.
Additionally, I have given in to the pressure of medical advice. I now take vitamins. Since I hate taking pills (because I doubt the bioavailability of nutrients delivered by them) I got instead these chewable gummies. I take one in the morning and one at night. I still hate the idea of overloading my body with unnatural amounts of one nutrient or another. I think it might be as stressful as it is helpful. Just because scientific studies show that a particular nutrient is correlated with a beneficial outcome doesn't mean I have to take 400% of the recommended daily value of that chemical. So we'll see how this goes.
Topics for the future: dietary fiber!
Labels: 10K, nutrition, running, science, shoes, weight loss, writing
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2, 2011 5:13 PM Spring, St. Patty's, daylight Savings
I try to limit myself to one blog post per month. This is why I am excited it is March! I am trying to focus my writing hours on my dissertation, but in the afternoons I always hit a wall. During my productive hours, I was working on Chapter 4 and I got the distinct idea for a blog post involving "the chase" so I typed CHASE into clipart and found the following pictures. The character on the far left is happily chasing a butterfly. This is how I feel about my current project.
My boss sent me the link of a YouTube video that apparently went viral, turning a Lady GaGa song into a song about research. The sickening thing is that the professor I teach for posted "It is great to see the students show this kind of creativity, and I am sure that their Professor is proud." I don't think any research advisor would say that about their students if they had spent 80+ hours making such a video. The costumes and redoing all the words to the songs, the choreography and video editing would have taken forever. Anyway, my advisor called me into her office to discuss it and asked me if I feel that way. Like I'm stuck on a bad project. Well, I don't feel that way. I feel like I believe in my project otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my life studying it. I started to think maybe she feels that way about me. Like I am a bad project of hers that she can't quit or get rid of.
The second (middle) figure is an animal chasing its tail. I do feel like this most days. I feel like I am going around and around instead of forward. But I guess that's why they call it RE-search.
The last (right) figure was originally a boy chasing a girl, but for as long as I can remember I've been the other way around. I've been trying to keep up with boys my whole life. I chased them on the playground, at recess, in coursework, math competitions, on my bicycle. It's totally a reoccurring theme in my life. I realized the other day that I have a pattern of trying to do or re-do the same things over and over again, thinking "I'll show them, I'll do it better THIS time." But in that moment, I wondered why I do that. If somebody tells you that you aren't good at something, or aren't fit to do a certain job, why keep trying to do it?
I am so ready for spring. We had the coldest weekend of the year here in Southern California last weekend. I've been superbundled up. My knees have been acting up and I blame the cold weather. Looking forward to the San Dimas Stage Race. Hope we have great weather.
Labels: cycling, goals, motivation, pain, spring, winter, writing
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2011 12:31 PM Race Report: Riverside Raincross 5K
Official results (3.1 mi) Place: 239 Div: 21 No: 667 Name: KAYLA KAISER Age: 28 S: F Div: F2529 Town: RIVERSIDE St: CA Time: 34:05 Pace: 11'00"
Unofficial results (3.37 mi) from my
Nike+ device Place: 106 Div: No: Name: Kayla Kaiser Age: 30 S: F Div: F3034 Town: RIVERSIDE St: CA Time: 26:46 Pace: 7'56"
Then check this out: From Official Results Place: 104 Div:3 No: 723 Name: XOCHITL HURD Age: 31 S: F Div: F3034 Town: RIVERSIDE St:CA Time: 26:35 Pace: 8:35
So maybe if I had started right at the front and registered in the right division, I would have finished 10 seconds behind this girl.
So much for my ambitions to place in this race. Looks like last year I got a time of 26:29 with a pace of 08:31 minutes per mile, so I actually beat her last year but didn't post a personal best for this race. Oh well, it's all luck who shows up and who turns it out anyway. I got in a super-brick workout, biking to and from the race and I got to see my friend Matt who won first place overall.
Who cares anyway, right? It's all just numbers. I had mixed feelings about this race. Pro: it was short, there were men in uniform running with us, it didn't rain and the air was perfectly cool and clear. Con: the mistakes on my entry form, dodging puddles and people from the back of the pack to finish somewhere in the middle, and the official timing not starting when the chip crosses the starting line. Unfortunately, although my Nike+ device does not keep proper distance because my stride is shorter than average, it keeps good time and I started and stopped it right at the starting and finish lines. So I am happy with my performance.
Who am I kidding, do I claim to be a runner? Well, really what motivated me to run in this race this was my personal desire to make my body the best it can be. I'm choosing to call it "sculpting" now. My body had become "like a mozzarella" as my amica Italiana Claudia says. So it doesn't matter if I came in first, third, or thirtieth, the important thing is that I enjoyed myself. It was fun to see the kiddos run in the 1K race and to see families outdoors interacting in a beautiful park. I was actually running so fast, I didn't enjoy the scenery much. Except along the ridge overlooking the Santa Ana river basin, that part was bomb.
What I'm thinking now is how wonderful my husband is to drive up and see me. I had considered taking the Amtrak train from Riverside to Oceanside. It's leaving right now actually and would have taken me 3 hours, costing $34. If we take the car it's about $12 for gas each way but I am thinking we are going to have to save up some money for new tires. At least the insurance is paid through August so we hope the car will last at least that long.
So many wonderful things are coming up in the next few months, I'm almost beside myself with joy. I am trying to keep my body moving and stress-free, as much as it is possible to do so when I am trying to make progress on so many fronts continuously and simultaneously. I am putting myself in some serious pain, but isn't why they invented antinflammatories (see prev post)? I just noticed I put a bunch of tags on this post and I don't have time to write on all those topics. So I'll just stick with the blog post title: Race Report. This race was AWESOME.
Labels: 5K, career, cycling, family, goals, grad school, Map My Ride, motivation, mountains, pain, running, winter
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2011 1:41 PM To soy or not to soy... part II
Today I was craving my old standby for days spent writing a thesis -- the soy latte. I started drinking these upon the advice of a personal trainer. She was concerned that if I started burning calories with workouts, my body would utilize my own muscle mass as an energy source if I didn't incorporate more protein into my diet. She suggested substituting dairy milk with soymilk in my coffee for starters. That was waaaay back in the early 2000's when I lived in Arizona, worked out at 24 Hour Fitness, and was a size 16 at 175 pounds.
My diet right now is all messed up. I am super stressed and craving carbs galore. I am spending days and days in front of the computer and not spending time outdoors taking exercise. I am
anxious that I will look down at my belly one day and not be able to see my feet on the scale which reads 180 pounds again. When I felt healthier, I craved milk so why am I all of a sudden reaching for soy?
Clif bars have become a staple of my diet, which contain soy protein and a ton of ready-for-action carbs. I like them because they are easily digestible and allow me about 2 more hours of productivity from the time I eat them to when I start to feel hungry again. Easy to eat on the run. The company uses soy protein because it provides amino acids in a vegetarian-friendly form. The other pillar in my diet right now is Premier Nutrition shakes (chocolate and vanilla) which are fortified with milk isolate protein & whey concentrate. So I am getting a non-soy source of protein too! These are also individually packaged as well for on-the-go days.
I have heard repeatedly that Clif bars are essentially junk food. Just because these items are marketed as "healthy" they may in fact be harmful to me. So I decided to investigate for myself whether soy is harmful or helpful. It seems the literature is full of contradictions. Some claim to have shown that soy is harmful and the studies that tout its benefits can only demonstrate a marginal difference from a placebo.
Isoflavones are part of a class of molecules called FLAVONOIDS. Isoflavones are molecules made by plants which are thought to (1) have harmful estrogenic effects in the animals that eat them and (2) have helpful health-promoting effects on the animals that eat them such as preventing cancer and cardiovascular disease and (3) are used by the plant for recruitment of rhizobacteria and pollinator animals. These studies were of particular interest in light of the molecules I have been studying in my research.
I have been looking at flavonols in the model plant Arabidopsis, while another colleague in my lab has been looking at anthocyanins in pomegranate. The structural similarity between isoflavones (phytoestrogens) and the estrogen made by animals (17-b-estradiol) is pretty low to my eyes. This entire class of molecules has low toxicity in animals, which is why we enjoy so many foods that contain these molecules.
Levels of isoflavones in soy are high, which I found in the USDA 2008 report on the isoflavone content of 557 food items (I have pulled out only a few of these for the purposes of this blog). Clif bars contain even more isoflavones per 100 grams than soybeans. For some reason blogger isn't letting me use more than 3 images per post, so this topic will be continued shortly...
Flavonoids are thought to affect their anticancer properties by a variety of mechanisms. One route is by inhibiting cytochrome P450 (CYPs) from activating procarcinogens. Another route is by inducing phase II enzymes, facilitating carcinogen elimination from the body. Some flavonoids can even affect promotion and progression of carcinogenesis by interfering directly with cell cycle, angiogenesis, invasion and apoptosis. Of course, these properties have been investigated in vitro and the bioavailability and speciation of flavonoids (and their glycosylated relatives) needs further study.
As for me, I guess I will continue to eat soy in moderation. I am not convinced it is harmful. Nor do I believe that genes from genetically-modified organisms (GMOs) will spring into my DNA. FYI, 93% of the soy raised in the US has been genetically modified to confer herbicide tolerance, compared to 77% globally. That's all the science I have to share with you today.
It's two weeks until my next race and I am feeling fatter and lazier than ever. Looking for that motivation... where's it gone?
Labels: 5K, grad school, motivation, running, science, weight loss, interdisciplinary, plants, writing
FRIDAY, JANUARY 21, 2011 1:45 PM Carbs, Calcium, Cortisol, oh my!
What is going on? I feel like crap. I don't even want to exercise. I am once again mildly overweight. I cannot seem to keep myself at a healthy BMI.
I feel like my metabolism has dropped off the radar. Either I'm not eating enough, not sleeping enough, or I am too stressed. http://caloriecount.about.com/tools has revealed that I am consistently eating ~1200 cals per day. This is enough to support a sedentary lifestyle, which I am living now with the exception of 150 min per week of cardio (my bicycle commute). I am showing a deviation from the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of calcium (unless I eat yogurt and have a glass of milk in the same day), iron (unless I eat 8 oz. greens), and potassium (no matter what). Maybe I'm just depleated and that makes me tired and that makes me lazy and that makes me fat! I had to get out a different set of pants for teaching because I have definitely increased in size.
My training buddy told me to force my body to eat fats and it would in turn start to burn fats because it would get used to using fat as an energy source. Also hills! I'll let you know how it goes. From mapmyride.com I can see that in early/mid 2010, I was spending more time cross training with biking and running (40-60% of workout calories in a month were burned in runs). From September on (when I started creeping up in weight), even though I was burning the same number of calories per month, I was not cross-training as much. Instead of being balanced in my workouts, I was burning 80-90% of monthly calories (4000-6000) on biking and 5% on running. So running it is. And eating like a runner too.
Labels: C25K, ceiling tuesdays, cycling, Map My Ride, pain, running, weight loss
FRIDAY, JANUARY 14, 2011 9:09 PM Free association
Frisbee. Cinnamon rolls. The smell of a puppy. Vanilla candles. Waves crashing. Sunsets & sunrises. A good pair of shoes. A good pair of trousers. A nice hairbrush. Chamber music. A hug. Birdsong. A warm gentle breeze. Snow gently falling.
Labels: meditation, positive, winter, writing
MONDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2010 3:12 PM Race Report: Holiday Half Marathon
Yeah so it's been a rough quarter. I've been flying by the seat of my pants since returning from Europe. Like treading water in a choppy sea, I have been breathing in bursts and wearing myself out just trying to stay afloat. To top it all off, I signed up for a half-marathon the week I returned from Europe and didn't really train for it (unless you count one 9 mile walk/run last month).
So I would first like to say that the course was achingly beautiful with stunning views of the the LA County Fairgrounds, Fairplex Horse Racing Park, Auto Club Raceway, Puddingstone Lake, Bonelli Regional Park, surrounded by the Glendora Foothills and San Gabriel Mountains. Whew! The first 8 miles totally flew by while I ran in the midst of such amazing scenery.
Some of the thoughts I had during the race:
Mile 3: Everyone has to run their own race. You can't go at someone else's pace. To enjoy the experience to the fullest extent, you must look nowhere else but inside yourself for direction.
Mile 6-8: Jingle bell, Jingle bell, Jingle bell rock... Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose... Up on the housetop reindeer paws, out jumps good old Santa Claus...
Mile 8-10: I left, I left, I left my shoe in Tombouctou with fifty holes and a bucket of glue 'cause I thought it was right, right, right for my blister, whoop-de-da
Mile 11: I can still finish in 2:22, why are my legs not working, oh yeah cause I didn't train! Just put one foot in front of the other. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9…98-99-100-1-2-3-4…98-99-100…
Mile 13: FINALLY!
So you can see that as my glucose levels dropped, the profoundness of my thoughts did too. I am so happy I signed up for this event. I feel totally enlivened by the experience. And it didn't hurt to share it with 3 of the most awesome ladies in my life right now.
Labels: distance, goals, mountains, pain, positive, running
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2010 3:36 PM Trying to Become Grounded
This (long) weekend was devoted to becoming grounded. I had felt myself, since returning from Europe, becoming less and less grounded. I felt reality slipping away from me again, anxiety returning like a toxic fog to cloud my clear judgement.
Feeling connected (physically and spiritually) to the earth is essential in maintaining groundedness. I planted a small garden last weekend for therapy, but it wasn't enough. I haven't been giving myself the mental or temporal space to carry out daily grounding rituals.
There were many helpful suggestions online for ways to regain groundedness. Some involved breathing exercises and meditation, mental self-talk or handwritten journaling, hard physical exertion or prayer, cooking or baking especially with root vegetables, yoga or aromatherapy, getting organized or cleaning, even wearing red to invoke the root chakra. My favorite suggestion is to sit at a pottery wheel, but I don't have one of those.
I think the hardest thing for me is to sit in this uncomfortable and unbalanced position and not beat myself up over and over about not being able to get out of it. I have already tried the things above and I still feel crazy and ungrounded. Maybe this feeling will last until my dissertation is submitted and I know where I will be heading for my first post-doc.
I'm noticing that over the past two years I've been using workouts as a metric for self-esteem. Mileage proved something to me. It was a source of strength and inspiration to myself that I could ride (or run) so many miles and burn so many calories per month to eventually reach this state of health. Now I need to shift my focus to pages of dissertation written and papers published and cover letters written and interviews successfully completed. It's mind-boggling.
Sometimes I feel like academia is so burdened with these metrics of success that the state of health of the individual is compromised in the effort. I feel pressured by competition to produce tangible outputs of this academic exercise. But when I googled "define: academic" I got some scary results.
"marked by a narrow focus on or display of learning especially its trivial aspects"
"hypothetical or theoretical and not expected to produce an immediate or practical result"
"having no practical importance"
"belonging...conforming to set rules and traditions"
"orthodoxy...of a scholastic variety"
Is this the source of my unbalancing anxiety? The culmination of a degree that involved large personal sacrifices, which may or may not be worth the paper it is printed on... Not to mention that at the moment (or at least averaged over the past 6 months) I have been experiencing financial tension, household disarray, and family conflict.
But I am working on becoming grounded. As Erica Heinz says on HuffPo, "Feel the strength and security in your legs and hips. You're a part of the Earth, you're fully supported." Like a plant must grow its root system to support an upward reaching shoot, I am working to stabilize my current life situation, drawing strength from the ground up.
Labels: distance, fall, family, goals, grad school, hate, meditation, pain, plants
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2010 8:47 PM Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs)
Sitting here in lab, as usual, I have drugs on the brain. Literally I have been pouring over current literature in an effort to understand the inner workings of the human mind.
The brain houses billions of cells called neurons. Neurons possess electrical activity because they contain charged molecules (ions). When one neuron is stimulated (presynaptic neuron), it releases ions, which carry an electrical signal from one neuron to the next (postsynaptic neuron). Neurons function in networks, connected chemically or functionally. A single neuron may communicate with many other neurons. Sensory experiences trigger electrical activity in neural networks.
There are small and large molecules involved in neural networks. Some small molecules are shown below, while large molecules (proteins) are shown in cartoon representation above. A natural small molecule signal (made by the body) is Serotonin. It is a well-known contributor to feelings of well-being.
The antidepressant selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) Paxil and Lexapro bind to the monoamine transporter, blocking the mechanism by which serotonin is normally recycled by the presynaptic neuron. The recreational drug Ecstasy sneaks into the neuron through the monoamine transporter, then inhibits the vesicular monoamine transporter (VMAT), resulting in increased Serotonin available for signaling.
Over $400M annual revenue is generated by sales of Lexapro (Lundbeck) while Paxil (GlaxoSmithKline) generates over $800 M. It is interesting to view these molecular structures and think about their similarity and promiscuity. The idea of network interference and stimulation is interesting. Each of these molecules has multiple targets involving cross-talk and transport. Science is only beginning to understand all the inner workings of the mind. But money talks. Should I get a job in the pharma industry? I've always had an interest in unraveling brain chemistry, signaling cascades, metabolism and transport, etc.
Strangely enough, my dear husband is so focused on his work with membrane proteins. Maybe we have a little cross-talk of our own in the research arena. Shown at left is a monoamine transporter (shown in color) in complex with an antidepressant drug (small black structure in center/bottom). If this large coiled structure is unwound (represented below), you would see that it sits in the membrane of the neuron with transmembrane helices and other intra- and extra-cellular domains. The areas of the protein which give specificity to its small-molecule interaction are shown in color.
Finally, I would like to throw a shout out to our friends in Temecula, Leonard and Marcia Bustin who hosted us for a lovely dinner on Sunday. Leonard is in the process of blogging about wine. As always, we had a stimulating conversation over a nourishing meal. We love you guys!
Labels: science, friends
MONDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2010 3:23 PM Citrus Heritage Run ~ Race Report
This race was amazing for a ton of reasons. First, it was my first 10K. Second, my dear husband agreed to run it with me despite the dry heat (it was ~65°F when we started and below 75°F when we finished). Third, I love supporting the city of Riverside. Fourth, the idea that we are celebrating the Citrus Heritage makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
It was funny because (as usual) we didn't pre-register for the race, although I have been informed by my husband that in the future we WILL pre-register, so we arrived only 15 minutes before the start of the race and had to get registered and pay the entry fees in a short amount of time. We got our free t-shirts and goodie bags and ran back to stash them in the car. We heard the announcer start the race so we ran from the parking garage to the starting line to begin our timing chips.
PRO: There were water stops so conveniently spaced, plenty of happy volunteers!
CON: I didn't like the part where we ran along Van Buren, personally I would prefer to run through the citrus fields more (see http://www.mapmyride.com/user/united-states/ca/san-diego/fb.kayk.679 to see the course and to browse my training log).
PRO: The part where we ran along Victoria was *magical*
PRO: Fellow competitors from the Riverside Road Runners club (http://www.riversideroadrunners.com/) in our pace group helped provide stability and conversation while enjoying the new route and scenery.
Last year, we finished the 5K in 37:30 while this year we finished the 10K in 1:04:44 so I think that shows a great improvement in pace and distance! And there's nuthin' betta' than finishin' togetha'. For real.
Labels: 10K, distance, fall, family, heat, love, positive, running
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2010 3:52 PM Falling in love (again)
Well today is the first day of fall. And it's almost full moon again. And classes are starting. Very auspicious. So it is time to set some plans in motion.
First, I must map out my strategy to complete my PhD. Luckily, I will have the help and support of my committee. And my husband. And friends.
Next, I should be sending out some applications for jobs. Again, I am not alone in this endeavor and I have faith that I will find something great.
To these ends, I also have to involve myself in some activities to help me maintain my sanity. I have tentatively planned to enter a couple races. I am tempted to try my first triathlon, but something (or should I say someone, Ronly to be specific) tells me to wait.
I have to give Ronly a moment here... since the first time we started running together, my life has changed and I count myself lucky to have had contact with such an amazing and generous woman. Last night we bid our dear IGERT coordinator adieu and she is on to better things, which she fully deserves. We'll miss her.
I named this post "falling in love (again)" because I am now back here in Riverside and I remember why I loved it so much. I am with my husband and doggies again, and I love them more than anything. I have a job that I love doing. I love that Riverside blooms in the spring and again in the "fall spring" as one of the campus grounds-crew explained to me. I guess that's it!
Labels: 5K, fall, goals, grad school, love, running
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2010 4:24 PM There's no place like home
Today I drove to the beach. Only to walk in its presence. I have always wanted to live by the beach, so it seems silly to avoid it when I am living so close.
Being on internship, then returning home, I am learning more about myself and what it means to be me. I carry the values of my upbringing in Nebraska: independence, agriculture, and patience in hard-work. I also represent the qualities established by my training as a scientist: communication, documentation, sharing and exchange of thoughts, iteration of experiments, demonstrating solutions to problems, planning and comparing trends. I am also a young woman with qualities such as: caring, providing encouragement, and possessing the drive to nurture things around me. As far as being an American goes, I think there are lots of different people in the US. We are generally friendly, optimistic, energetic, self-confident, and open to cultural-borrowing, so it is not a surprise that I found myself conveying these traits.
I weighed myself today. 65 kilos. Oh, I mean 141 lbs. According to NationMaster.com, 30.6% of Americans are obese, compared to 14.8% in the Czech Republic, 12.9% in Germany, and 8.5% in Italy. For comparison, 14.1% is the average for all countries. I entered my weight into the www.halls.md/ Better Ideal Body Weight Calculator, and it says I should lose 4 more pounds to fit within medically recommended limits and 20 more pounds to fit the average weight that other people of my Age, Height, Weight and Gender would describe as their ideal weight. This is to say that the latter is unrealistic and based on society's pressures. My friend from China says that the ideal weight for Chinese women is under 100 lbs (45 kilos), for which I would have to lose 40 more pounds. She said that people her age are so weak, but this is considered a desirable trait in women of their culture.
I am grateful to live in a country where I have the opportunity to pursue a career in science, although for various reasons, the path follows a leaky pipeline model. Women who are on track to becoming scientists drop off at every stage of the game, for whatever reason, from elementary school, through doctorate, postdoc, and career steps. In my personal opinion, women in this country may be awarded fancy fellowships (such as my own IGERT funding), but they still face sexual harassment in professional situations. This much is clear to me through my own personal experience and anecdotes from my colleagues. If that doesn't stop a woman, she may feel the pressure to prolong child-rearing, so as to convey the message that she will be a permanent worker and not desert her work in favor of family and child-rearing. If she does bear children, she is not guaranteed paid maternity leave, nor does there seem to be viable child-care options for returning to work. Finally, if that doesn't frighten her off, she is forced to exist in an environment where men believe that there is a gender disparity in science because there are more men at the very upper end of the IQ scale than there are women. Men think women don't enjoy "exploring" as much as men do. This is simply bullshit and in my case, this is what angers me most and actually motivates me to "hang in there" as long as possible before I leak out of the pipeline.
This situation is in sharp contrast for me, coming back from Germany, who is one of the most liberal as far as accepting women's competency as scientists. As early as 1650, there were a larger percentage of women astronomers in Germany than we have in the upper ranks of academia here in the US. They also seem to have a streamlined childcare system (no doubt a remnant of communism) where it is considered totally normal for a woman my age to be allowed a year to raise an infant and return to work without penalty. As for me, I have babies on the brain... I have no idea how I will personally manage the proverbial balance between work and family. I guess time will tell...
Labels: family, motivation, ocean, weight loss
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2010 10:42 AM the Dog Days are over
The sunny summer heat in Germany has given way to crisp fall air and cold rainshowers. My biking time has grown shorter corresponding to our day length. I am totally missing my cycling club in Riverside, there is a meeting tonight and they are riding at the LA Velodrome tomorrow. My bike here is not fixed, nor is it good for off-roading, but it is PERFECT as a grocery-getter.
Fortunately, I have found a nice group of crazy American running buddies. I've called our pack the ICE Runners. ICE=Institute for Chemical Ecology. We ran last Thursday in the rain and this Tuesday I totally crapped out and slept late instead of enjoying the morning run-shower. Tomorrow is another day and I WILL run rain or shine since it is my last time running with my new friend Evan. My Nike+ wristband is totally useless for web-interfacing but still records mileage and pace. It's at 69 miles right now. My shoes have fallen to less than $1 per mile, so I can say that they have been worth the investment.
Labels: 5K, cycling, heat, riverside bicycle club, running, summer
TUESDAY, JULY 13, 2010 3:24 AM mein hobby ist fahrad fahren
Greetings from across the pond! I have had many cycling adventures here in Europe. I've been here a month already. My English is starting to deteriorate but my Deutsche is improving. My hair is growing back, already it is as long as it was in November '09 before I shaved it all off in January '10.
I don't have much to bitch about today unless you count the heat and the separation from my family and friends. This experience has taught me a lot about attachment to objects and connection to people and the ability to generate ideas. The attachment to objects is superficial, for example, your objects can be stolen from you or you can be separated from them as I am now. It seems accumulation of possessions only sets one up for a big loss or a tough time moving. Connections to people are important and tie us to our humanness, but they can only enrich one's life so far. Only when one's self-concept is aligned can he or she be happy and free. Reliance on people for one's sanity is dangerous because those people can also be removed from one's life by distance or death.
But the ability to generate ideas is something that has not yet been taken away from me. At least I am still able to expand my mind and make new neural connections. Barring a head injury or neurodegenerative disease, I should be able to take these things with me for the rest of my life. I've been thinking a lot about why I am on this internship and I am still trying to make heads or tails of it. Spending time and energy on one's career is interesting because it's an uncertain investment, but if we aren't investing in ourselves than what can we believe in these days?
Labels: cycling, distance, family, grad school, motivation, pain, summer
SUNDAY, JUNE 20, 2010 4:11 AM I (virtually) made it!
Well, my fantasy a couple years ago was to venture out on a cross-country bike trip when I finish school. According to Google Maps (bicycle beta version) the trip from San Diego, CA to the White House in Washington, D.C. is 2,908 miles. I've ridden in the past year and a half 3,146.04 mi. So if I had left a year ago, I would have made it by now.
My husband has already told me that this trip is NOT going to happen. He thinks I am completely nuts for even suggesting that it COULD happen. I told him the only way to PREVENT it from happening is to get me pregnant. If I have endless doctor appointments, then I can't be riding from city to city and sometimes in the middle of nowhere.
I had thought this would be a monumental trip. Something that could provide material for a book. I've just finished reading EAT, PRAY, LOVE by Elizabeth Gilbert. Totally inspirational!
Labels: cycling, distance, goals, writing
MONDAY, MAY 31, 2010 10:42 AM Singing for Summer
Even though it's only Memorial Day Weekend, I feel this is the beginning of summer. We helped open the family pool yesterday. The days are already longer. Hello, sunrise at 5:40am and sunset not until 7:55pm. Over 14h of daylight. I've been thinking about my Arabidopsis plants and how they are on a 16h light 8h dark schedule, beginning around 7:30am and ending around 11:30pm. This explains my work schedule. I feel if Arabidopsis is working 16 hour days making molecules for me, I should be keeping busy too.
I'm getting ready to attend a conference on plant adaptations to low oxygen environments. My research has been using the model plant Arabidopsis, one of the first 3 organisms to have its genome sequenced. It will be interesting to show my work to the other attendees at this conference, who come from a wide cross-section of scientific disciplines with the goal of addressing a specific scientific problem and who work with a wider diversity of plants (some adapted to grow in low-oxygen environments and some of agricultural importance). My friend Takeshi Fukao (http://genomics.ucr.edu/news/news-details.php?id=41) told me that the conference attendees will be mainly ecologists (who study life and interactions between lifeforms within ecosystems) and agronomists (who develop plants for specific purposes including food, fuel, feed and fiber). As I'm writing this now, I am supposed to be working on a poster summarizing my research project... later, right?
I'll be flying into Tuscany for sightseeing June 14-20, then attending the conference in Volterra June 20-25, then traveling to the rolling plains of central Germany (Thuringia) to work at a research institute specializing in the study of plant-insect communication. I hope to rent or buy a bicycle over there and see the areas better that way. I'm looking forward to being situated in a world-leading research center while I continue my doctoral studies. The Saale river, which bends along the east side of Jena, has cut high limestone cliffs into the landscape and supports nearby wine growing regions.
How do I feel right now? Well I feel loved and supported. I've just had visits with my sister Karly for adventures, my mom for Mother's Day, and my friend Cheri for her birthday. My husband and doggies are here right now with me, so I can't complain. There's so much to do and so little time, yet I have all the time I need. I feel I could do so many more experiments, but that's where skill comes in. Knowing one's priorities is priceless.
"Science and art belong to the whole world, and before them vanish the barriers of nationality." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Next blog post, I swear, I will write about the integral membrane protein called human serotonin transporter (SERT) and the small molecules that bind to it.
Labels: family, interdisciplinary, plants, pool, science, summer
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17, 2010 7:43 PM Spring has Sprung!
Many changes take place in spring. Weather patterns change. Daylight savings time shifts our working hours to accommodate the sun. Our family is changing, but I suppose that the only thing that never changes is that things are always changing.
Biking time is my favorite time of day. The way I can productively reward myself is related to biking. Time spent on the bike. Only problem is that I worried about overtraining. So I added running into the mix. Still love biking best though.
Trying to get into daily affirmations. Trying to maintain this weight. Trying to be more positive. Trying to leave more free room in my schedule, with daily priority tasks that "must get done" and other than that priority, worrying less.
Labels: goals, positive, spring
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2010 7:16 PM Like a bulldog chasing a cat
So it seems I've been called out as having a Type A habit. What does that mean exactly? Well it generally means I have a desire to do everything, quickly, better than anyone else ever has, and perfectly. Why? Because I can, and it's important, and I need to do it before someone else does, and because it will prove to everyone that I am a worthwhile human being. At least that's how Carol Lankton (a marriage and family therapist for 28 years) describes what's been going on inside my head. My cycling buddy says I ride like a bulldog chasing a cat. I hoped I was the cat in that simile, but unfortunately not. Can't I be a poodle instead of a bulldog?
The problem is that while Type A personality is correlated with assertiveness and sturdy work ethic, it is also commonly combined with anxiety/depression and tends to alienate friends and family. Researchers speculate that this may happen because society tends to shun and isolate competitive, hard-driving women, even as it encourages men with the same traits. That's why I say "I'm a grrrrrrl." Luckily my she-wolf companions (my doggies and running partners) don't mind being dominated. Call me a bitch if you like, but I'm still standing. And running. And biking.
Labels: family, goals, grad school, hate, love, motivation, pain, positive, running
MONDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2009 10:31 PM Stormy Weather
It's the rainy season, and I'm gonna bitch about it. I rode to school today, on my road bike, ending up soaked and dirty. On the bright side, I wore black and I look good wet.
Life has been stormy, too. I've just attended the Southern California Users of Magnets (SCUM) meeting, which was co-hosted by my research advisor, mentor, and personal hero, Professor Cynthia Larive and my husband's former research advisor, Professor Len Mueller. It was sponsored (in part) by the company my husband interviewed with in Boston last month, Bruker. I feel like I have a million projects going on right now and it's only a matter of time before I screw something up. But it's all about perception, right? And for now it seems I am managing.
I've been developing some educational materials for a course called "Instrumental Methods," which involves advanced topics in analytical chemistry, such as; chromatographic separations, electrochemistry, and spectroscopic techniques. Analytical chemists are known for attention to detail, accuracy & precision, and the desire to know (1) What substance(s) are present in a "sample" and (2) How much (of each substance) is present in the "sample." One could make a career as an analytical chemist improving experimental designs for targeted analysis or validating new methods to enhance the richness of information from a nontargeted analysis. Often, the analytical chemist is challenged to balance performance and cost, lending somewhat of an engineering or applied type of problem-solving to our field. We can also see a direct application of our work in many diverse types of fields: environmental monitoring, medical devices, pharmaceutical R&D pipeline, quality control, drug enforcement, etc.
Speaking of which, the reason I'm developing these new educational materials [namely a problem-based laboratory exercise] is because UCR Department of Chemistry was the recipient of a Gas Chromatograph-Mass Spectrometer (GC-MS) donated kindly by the local Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) lab. It's cool because it's already set up to detect small amounts of volatile organic molecules in a complex mixture, because it was likely used to detect banned substances and their downstream metabolites in urine, feces or blood.
The class of substances we're focusing on in this activity are monoterpenes. These are found in citrus peel (among other plant-based sources) and are useful for cleaning and degreasing (as in the case of turpentine) and/or for fragrances in perfumes and soaps. I have isolated monoterpenes from a variety of citrus fruits, including orange, lime and lemon, tangerine and mandarin so far. Each peel has offered a complex mixture of these molecules (between 5 to 20 detectable monoterpenes per variety of citrus) and the subtle but statistically significant differences between fruits is what we're interested in recording.
Since my other research advisor, Julia Bailey-Serres, has been training me to think like a plant biologist, I asked the question "But why does the plant produce these compounds?" Surely not for us to use as a degreaser or additive to our soaps and perfumes. It turns out that these molecules have exhibited antifungal activity in addition to deterring insects from the area. This protects the fruit from pathogen attack and allows the citrus to live long and prosper.
I found limonene in high abundance in each peel extract, while the relative amounts of the minor components in each extract were variable. Orange and Tangerine peels contained little or no beta-pinene, both Lemon and Lime peel contained more beta- than alpha-pinene, and the relative amount of beta-myrcene correlated with strong and pleasant aromas (using the human nose detector that I have built-in for cross-validation). This makes good sense since myrcene is one of the most important chemicals used in the perfumery industry.
So as you can probably tell I'm still trying to find some footing for this lab, but I think it's coming along well so far. It's got to be ready to go in January when classes start (week of Jan 5, 2010) which is less than 4 weeks. This project, along with my regularly scheduled research and another educationally-related project (that I haven't even brought up here yet) is keeping me very busy. Oh yeah and I forgot to mention, we're moving to San Diego. But as I said, I'm managing. I have so many wonderful people in my life right now. Thank you all for your support.
#grad school #motivation #ocean #pain #positive #science
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2009 10:06 PM Thanksgiving
I am thankful for... family. I married a wonderful man who is a native of So Cal. We are always welcomed by his parents and siblings and enjoy spending time with them very much. We also love our extended family throughout the country, as often as we can see them. They keep us grounded and at the same time encourage us to reach for the stars.
I am thankful for... health. There are always ups and downs with health, but for now we are in a stable period where we aren't consumed with daily worries about our health or the immediate health of anyone we know. Flu season seems to be on everyone's mind, and surely there are many people suffering, but at least some of us were able to get together and celebrate.
I am thankful for... friends. Our friends have shared some of the biggest events of their lives with us, and we in turn do the same for them. Good friends (such as we have) are around in fair weather and when it is a bit dark and stormy. New friends have grown with us through the changes we are making together and independently of each other. We couldn't ask for better!
I am thankful for... stimulation. I am lucky to be surrounded with opportunities for stimulating my mind and body. I can walk into a Science Library, attend a lecture, or participate in a roundtable discussion regarding the latest developments in chemical biology on any given day of the week. I can get together with friends for a bike ride, road run, indoor climb, lap swim, power yoga, push-up contest... you name it and I bet I can make it happen. I feel like I have the world at my fingertips sometimes. And the sheer beauty of the natural world enlivens me.
I am thankful for... community. I am so glad to have a larger network of people to interact with. I feel a sense of belonging to both the university and the city I live in. I enjoy participating in "local" happenings. I feel that ties to people in your community strengthens the quality of life for everyone. I really love going to local events in public lands and seeing the harmony that can exist when people work cooperatively.
I am thankful for... my dear husband. He really is the axis around which I spin. I feel that he has freed me from my own self-doubt. He allows me to flourish in the nourishing environment of unconditional love and support he provides. He is helping me become truer each day. I would be a much lesser person without his help. Thank you, honey!
Gratitude isn't always easy. I've been having a hard time with it lately. Thankfully we have holidays such as Thanksgiving where we can reflect on life in a more positive way. I've been searching for quotes to put on our T-shirts. How about:
"Tough times don't last but tough people do." - A.C. Green
On another note, the holidays mean FOOD at least in my family. I've been biking and running all year long to achieve the level of fitness I have now. Despite my efforts, I learned today that my BMI is still in the "overweight" bracket and I will have to lose another 8 pounds to be in the "average" realm. I have no plans to lose that 8 pounds during the holidays, I would like to make it my resolution for 2010 that I will maintain and perhaps by 2011 reach that sweet goal of 135 pounds and bearly out of the "overweight" category.
Labels: family, goals, love, positive, weight loss
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2009 12:53 PM Mission Inn Run
Even though I've been commuting to work by bike, I haven't been on many "monster" rides lately. I did half of a big RBC ride to Tom's Farms last weekend but I wasn't able to finish the ride due to a time constraint. For some reason lately I've been more focused on running. Hmmm... psychological damage from the crash? Well at least the flesh wounds have healed. The alternate explaination is that opportunities to enjoy running have presented themselves and so I put a bit more time & money into that hobby for awhile. For one, I got a new pair of shoes....
The unbiased product review website http://www.productwiki.com/ says "The Nike Zoom Nucleus MC+ is a women's trainer shoe retailing at $115. It targets women who train or run long distances. It features a breathable upper with a supportive overlay design and a secure midfoot saddle to help keep users foot in a neutral position. Zoom Air™ unit in heel and forefoot. Decoupled Crash Pad helps reduce overpronation. Supportive shank, BRS 1000™ heel. Duralon™ and Waffle® Fill add cushioning, traction and durability. Nike+ enabled for instant workout feedback when used with a Nike+ SportBand or iPod® nano and Nike + iPod Sport Kit. Wt. 11.0 oz.
I got them because I was feeling some knee pain, and my new running buddy Ronly Schlenk recommended I replace my old shoes if they weren't cut out for long distance runs. I've been running about 5-8 miles per week throughout September and 10-15 miles per week throughout October. I'm not sure what all the stuff in that description means, but I did try on about 8 pairs of shoes in a store called Running Center in Redlands. The staff was very polite, respectful and helpful, carefully observing my stride in a variety of shoes. My old shoes were cheap ($30) and from Big 5 Sporting Goods (I got them on sale). According to MapMyRide, I started using those shoes 2/09/2009 and since then have put 139.86 mi. on them, making their price $0.2145 per mile. Hopefully these new kicks will help me kick butt and last long enough for me to justify the pricetag. And I know that footwear can't be expected to work miracles, but I am hoping this knee pain will be slightly alleviated. It might help if I stretch more regularly.
We (my husband and my mother-in-law and I) discussed during the race today our running goals. Here's what we came up with (1) that we would make team T-shirts with quotes on them (2) to do a 10K as our next event and (3) complete 4 half-marathons in 2010 as a team. If you have T-shirt ideas, if you want one, let us know because we're doing them as Christmas gifts. Talk about living! There's nothing more exhilarating than crossing a finish line with a cheering crowd and super-fast 10K runners sprinting past you, nothing more motivational than watching a sea of runners invading the streets of downtown Riverside for the sheer joy of running together, nothing more fun than running into friends old and new (Matt, Danny, Bernard and Alena, and Hugh) it was great to share this day with you; nothing is a more perfect expression of love than crossing that finish line together!
Labels: 5K, family, goals, Map My Ride, pain, riverside bicycle club, running, shoes
MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2009 10:50 PM Road Rash => Rest Day
What can a cyclist do on a rest day? Write a blog post... So I'm on a complete rest day on account of I had my first crash yesterday. And am I feeling some pain today? Yes, I would be lying if I said I wasn't. Is it worse than my monthly menstral cramps? No. I am a bit sad that I won't have foxy arms & legs for halloween, but if it still looks gnarly I can dress up as a crash victim zombie and get some fake blood.
What happened? Well I'm still not sure, crashes happen really fast. What's going through my mind right now is (1) I ran 10 miles the day before and didn't get more than 5 hours sleep two nights in a row and worked long hours all week and I have slow reflexes even on a good day and therefore the bottom line is that I messed up (2) I got new tires and new brakes and this was my first ride after two major mechanical changes to my vehicle so the bike was to blame. The sweethearts I ride with keep offering to take the blame for me going down, but I'm just glad that I didn't take anyone else out. There is no ride worth going on if you injure yourself or someone else. I should have taken it easier that day.
What are my goals? Why put my body through this torture? What am I proving? And to whom? All these are great questions. The truth is that I don't know. I know I'm doing what feels good and right now I am training heavily. I enjoy the views and the outdoors and it brings me a warm and fuzzy feeling that lasts about a day-and-a-half. Which is coincidentially about as long as it takes for the pain from the exertion to fully hit my muscles. About the fourth day without a workout, I start to twitch and feel a pain in my muscles from not doing anything. If I go five or more days, I start to get really crabby at work and at home.
I just read a great article about how exercise can raise the baseline levels of both norepinephrine and dopamine. I think that's what I'm benefiting from. I know that without it I'm suffering. Everyone around me sees it, but I must endure. Luckily the cycling helps.
Labels: cycling, goals, grad school, hate, love, motivation, pain, positive, riverside bicycle club, running, weight loss
MONDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2009 12:11 PM In the Interim
It's been so long since my last blog post, I had to look in the photo archives to see what I had been up to "in the interim." In August, we attended a bunch of parties, I worked in the lab a lot, yet I was able to log 250 miles between biking and running (4 runs). In September, my lab moved to a new building, we hosted a dinner party, I worked slightly less, and I logged 225 miles between biking and running (7 runs). Apparently though, I was not able to log in to Blogger and post anything. I was (and maybe still am) a little depressed. Grad school is hard.
My second time trial (Aug 29) was exciting, not as scary as the first. I got nearly the same time as the first one, but I didn't do any particular training in between them so it makes sense that I wasn't able to get much faster. I didn't mind winning the $30 prize for being the fastest woman in my age group. It didn't matter that I was only one of two people in that category. The important thing is that I enjoyed participating in it and I was able to reinvest the prize money into awater bottles, sunscreen, and new lights for my commuter bike!
My dear husband and I got to attend a fun party, the 3rd Annual Foilman (Sept 5) hosted by some fellow bicycle club members, Wade & Edith. It was a super-duper-sprint-Triathalon, complete with timers and prizes, but we just enjoyed being there and having great conversations. It was so relaxing and great for Mike to meet all (0r most) of my wonderful biking friends. It just made me realize how badly we need to get a bike for him so he can tour with us.
We also got to participate in the SmartRiverside Citrus Heritage Run (Sept 26) with family, my husband and myself along with my Mother-in-law and her husband. We arrived at sunrise and ran along almost the same route as the bike time trial. It was cool, shady and relaxing since I wasn't going for a personal best time. The point (in my mind at least) was to spend time together as a family and celebrate Riverside's history and beauty. There was even a marching band along the course to entertain and motivate us. Of course we had breakfast afterwards at the yummy Crest Cafe, which was the perfect way to end the race.
It's funny this year has gone by so fast. It's already the 10th month and time (mile by mile) has flown by! I've gone back to biking to school every day and trying to ride with friends or my club as often as I can. I've also tried to do Power Yoga at least once per week and I'm incorporating some interval training. People are asking if I'm sick or something since I've lost so much weight. I credit my genuine love for cycling and the support of my husband. Here are my updated stats from Map My Ride (prev. updated on May 18 post)...
Total Workouts in 2009: 157
Total Distance: 1,804.52 mi.
Total Burned: 82,030 kcal (approx. 23 pounds)
Gas Saved: 100.25 gallons
Money Saved: $348.87
Carbon Offset: 1,940.9 lbs. of CO2
My dear husband always asks me "What are your goals?" Like it's not OK to workout whenever I feel like it and do whatever feels right on that day. I'm not sure what to think about that. On one hand, I think I should just listen to my body, but on the other hand I feel like one thing I'm lacking is discipline and structure. One goal I have is to finish a triathalon. It doesn't seem right to have taken advantage of my relationship with the UCR Triathalon Club to get a sweet bike at a price I could afford and never actually use it in a triathalon. Hence the running. I also got a cap & goggles so I anticipate that I'll start swimming in the near future. TTFN.
Labels: 5K, family, goals, grad school, Map My Ride, riverside bicycle club, running, time trial, weight loss
TUESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2009 9:49 AM I Don't Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)
It occured to me last night, as I was walking my dogs, that if my neighbor asked me to explain my life right now, I could legitimately say my life revolves around drugs.
Don't get the wrong impression, if you were my neighbor, you might think because there are always a lot of people going in and out of my apartment and staying up late talking, that we do nothing but "party."
The truth is that most of these friends are fellow scientists, studying some aspect of drugs and hoping someday to be employed by a drug company. For example, my biking friend Andrew is singlehandedly making drugs and determining their bioactivity. My good friend Homero studies the toxicicity of drugs by observing DNA damage as a function of drug dose. And I am searching for "natural products," drugs made naturally by plants.
As for me, I used to avoid taking drugs. Something about my upbringing told me that you shouldn't need to rely on external agents to "feel better." I guess that I would say now that pain which prevents you from getting out of bed is a sufficient reason to take drugs. I still tend to take the minimum dose.
The first drug I became comfortable with was Naproxen (available over-the-counter as Aleve). It was prescribed to me after a back injury. I found that it was non-addictive and effective at reducing my pain and inflammation. Those were the ballet days.
Of course when I had a fever, I was given Tylenol (paracetemol, acetomenophen) or Aspirin (acetylsalicylic acid). Other aches and pains, including my Mom's headaches, were treated with Motrin or Advil (ibuprofen).
All of these drugs are in the same class, non-steriodal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), which shut down the body's inflammatory signaling pathway. Because each molecular structure is slightly different, each of these drugs has a slightly different interaction with their "target" protein, cyclooxygenase (COX). Looking at their structures below, it is easy to imagine how they could "fit" into a "pocket" created by a much larger molecule. COX is about 350 times more massive than any of these "small molecule" drugs.
Interestingly, NSAIDs (and the substances they are converted to after the body's detoxification has begun) have additional "side-effects." For example, in addition to binding COX, Tylenol's primary metabolite AM404 interacts with the body's cannabanoid system, which is the mechanism responsible for paracetemol's pain relieving properties.
I stuck with non-addictive drugs until I discovered caffeine. ( : Maybe in future blogs I can discuss caffeine and other adenosine receptor antagonists. Other classes of drugs I would like to write about are histamine antagonists and seratonin reuptake inhibitors. Future blog topics of a scientific nature may be on the new wave of "biologics," as recently featured in Chemical & Engineering News, which are the newest revolution in drug development. I found it an engaging topic on a personal level because the article really highlighted the cultural divide between traditional "small molecule" chemists in pharma and those trained in molecular biology and bioanalytical chemistry who are equipped to produce and characterize protein-based drugs.
Labels: goals, grad school, pain, science
SATURDAY, JULY 25, 2009 11:12 AM My First Time Trial
Well, this morning my alarm chirped at 5:30am but I couldn't drag my butt out of bed until 5:47am so there went my extra 17 minutes. Was it worth it? Well I did get 17 extra minutes of being sandwiched between my husband and my furry little mutt Edna, so maybe it was just as well. It will become clearer later why this information is important.
I got out of bed and started getting the stuff I should have laid out last night together. Bike, water bottles, Clif bar, fruit snacks, cycling shorts & top, boyshort underwear, sports bra, cycling socks (not really but they said I [heart] my [dog] on 'em and I thought they would bring me luck), cycling shoes, wallet, phone, camera, house keys. I went into the bathroom and washed off yesterday's mascara, walked back out to the living room and put on fresh mascara and all-over sunscreen, SPF 70 on my face and SPF 30 everywhere else. All this time I was walking around naked and then I looked out my balcony and saw some people watching me in a truck parked outside my apartment. Got dressed.
About 6:00am, I decided I needed caffeine, made a latte, ate the Clif bar, drank the latte, played with Edna, meditated, read "Effective Cycling" on Time Trials one more time. Put on my socks and shoes, cycling gloves, helmet. Said goodbye to Edna, Mel and Mike. Somehow it was 7:00am before I left the house. When I set my alarm I knew I'd be lagging but I thought I'd hop out of bed rather than drag it out for 2 snooze periods. I knew I'd have to hustle a bit to get down there on time and I had rather wanted to "stroll" down there and warm up gently. It did feel good though, zooming down Victoria Ave with little traffic and only the thick air pushing back at me.
I got down to "registration" at 7:30am, but there was nobody there! Instead of freaking out, I headed over to where I read the "starting line" would be. I kept thinking I saw other cyclists in front of me but I think it was just my imagination because when I finally encountered the other riders and trial organizers, it was 7:43am and I was LATE. It's a reoccuring theme in my life, the lateness. I'm working on improving in that area of my life.
Luckily, they let me register anyway. A half-sheet form and $5 later, I was known as rider 115 (Kayla) and I was wearing my matching orange jersey and Mike's orange sunglasses, right down there in the orange groves where we got married. The volunteers ask me if I have a goal. I tell them that it was too much work to make a projection and calculate it and I didn't let myself lose any sleep over it last night. I think they were surprised but they agreed that it was better to be well rested.
I started eating my fruit snacks. It was hard to stay calm. It was only 7:45am by my watch and I had nothing to do until 8:00 when the trial was scheduled to start. So I started disassembling my bike. I took everything off that I could: water bottles, front/rear lights, watch and routesheet clip, bag with tools/spare parts. On second thought, I decided to keep one water bottle. I don't know why but later on I was glad I had it. I started watching the ants, hustling in synchronicity along in discrete paths across a dead palm frond. I started thinking about how this race would be just me & the road without anyone to draft behind. Yikes.
Since I still had time I started doing Yoga. This helped my nervousness to dissapate, to get my mind focused, and to get limber from the ride over. It felt good to do some deep breathing. I wonder if anyone has designed a set of stretching exercises for cyclists that can be done using the bicycle as a prop. If not, someone should.
Next thing I knew, it was time to line up and we were told a few things about the route. Pothole here, wide turn there, have fun. There were sixteen riders and I was second to last. So I'm standing there. And standing there. I do a few circles in the street. Car up. Circle again. Car back. Back in line. Standing there. I started talking to rider 116, who had followed me down Victoria in the morning. I told him that he's going to be following me all race too because there's no way I'm letting him pass. I decided it right then.
People started coming across the finish line. It was so exciting! I was cheering for them but I got in trouble because the timer and the secretary couldn't hear each other on either side of the start/finish line. But it was cool to see the other riders come in hard. There was a family of spectators with a cowbell that totally made me smile. The other two lady riders (besides me) were neck and neck, I'd say that was the most dramatic finish of all.
When there were about 5 riders ahead of me, I started to realize that it was time. There was no way that I was going to be able to quit. I was in the queue and it was inevitable that I would be giving it my all in a couple minutes. All I could think about was that I had to pee. Why did I drink that latte? Should I go now or later? Maybe I drank too much of my water? I don't want to feel cramped down there during the trial... So I said it outloud. "I have to pee." Rider 116 says "I'll hold your bike, go in the orange groves." Guess what I did...
I came back out and two other guys went in! I guess I started a trend or maybe we were all nervous. Two riders ahead of me. One rider ahead of me. Rider 115, are you ready? Yes. Secretary, are you ready? 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Go! I was hauling as fast as I could. That may have been silly. I got to the first turn and had to slow down quite a bit. Then I hustled to the next turn and had to slow down again. I was facing gravel, potholes and a large dump truck full of concrete in the oncoming lane (although stopped at a stop sign). It was intimidating and I slowed down a lot. Coming around the turn I saw the hill ahead of me and thought "maybe I should have strategized a bit more on my gearing here." But it didn't really matter.
I kept my cadence high and my breathing deep and regular. I put my upper body in a comfortable but somewhat lowered position for most of the hill. Towards the end, but before the turn, it gets steeper and I started to hurt. I thought, "maybe I burned up too much on the ride over here." Rounding the turn, I kept my cadence high and tried to visualize myself just hauling down the final straightaway and not letting 116 catch me. This is where I really opened up.
My thoughts returned to me when I saw a car on my left, wanting to turn onto the street I was on. Luckily, he saw me, but unluckily he was going my way. I decided to use it to make me go faster. I kicked it into a higher cadence and higher gear until I saw that sweet finish line. When it was clearly in view, I spun even faster and started really gulping air. Whew, when I rolled through the finish I was so amazed with myself. I didn't want to cry or anything, I just wanted to cool down and roll on home. I didn't really care about my time because I had no expectation to begin with. I finished 3 miles in 9 minutes 13 seconds which translates to 19.5 mph. That exceeds any previous speeds I've loosely documented so I'm happy with it. Now I have a time to beat. And 115 finished before 116.
When all entrants had crossed the finish line (including some of the volunteers) we took a group photo. I can't wait to see it because I know I'll have a glowing smile on my face. And I'll be surrounded by a truly great group of people.
One last topic, my knees hurt. I'm icing them now. I wish I wasn't. Any advice?
Labels: goals, meditation, pain, riverside bicycle club, time trial
SUNDAY, JULY 19, 2009 10:06 AM Life Lessons
So, having successfully completed my first Century ride yesterday, I wanted to sit down today and recount some of the things I realized during the ride.
(1) wanting to do something and being motivated/committed enough to finish it are 2 different things
(2) you have to take/ask for advice from people older and more experienced than you, your survival depends on it
(3) setting unrealistic goals doesn't do anyone any good
(4) a positive mental outlook is your most valuable asset
(5) each teammember should operate both independently and interconnectedly at all times, both autonomy/independence and communication/interreliance are important for team success
(6) "the price of success is hard work, dedication to the job at hand, and the determination that whether we win or lose, we have applied the best of ourselves to the task at hand." - Vince Lombardi
I know I had some other good revelations but I didn't have a pen/paper to write them as I was riding and I was so focused on "Stayin' Alive" that I didn't have the brainpower to really remember.
I'm showing below the elevation profile, which you can see is relatively flat (1% grade at most). I've labeled some of the parts I remember most vividly.
(A) 6:45am, mile 11, When Cliff went down and bloodied his knee up, Edith and I taped a Maxi Pad to it
(B) 7:40am, mile 22, A second group joined us at the Corona West Metrolink station
(C) 8:20am, mile 29, A third group joined us at Featherly Park (see picture on Facebook)
(D) 9:13am, mile 42, Angel's Stadium/Honda Center, almost to the OCEAN!!! (see picture)
(W) 9:58am, mile 56, my first fiew of the pacific. (see pictures)
(E) 1:40pm, mile 84, The HOT part of the day (103 deg F), we took a 15 min shade break (a non-scheduled stop)
(F) ???, mile 92, The BIG HILL which was to me the most brutal part of the ride, after which I couldn't cool my body down at all. Luckily, my friend Tom told me to squirt myself with water and that helped immensely
(G) ???, mile 100, The Farmer Boys rest stop (also non-scheduled) where we sat inside in a wonderfully comfortable and AIR CONDITIONED building drinking ice water and eating beef jerky
(H) ???, mile 106, The last painful stretch where I also could not stay cool. I used almost all the water we picked up at Farmer Boys just to douse my arms and legs repeatedly
We got back to Mission Burger in downtown Riverside at ~4:30pm. At the time I felt I could have gone further but definitely did not want to face any more hills or heat.
Pictures: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=91961&id=660124126&l=bfe7d29b93
Labels: century, distance, heat, ocean, pain, picnic, riverside bicycle club
FRIDAY, JULY 17, 2009 11:22 AM My first CENTURY is tomorrow!
Well, since this is a blog about biking, it would be unfortunate if I didn't write about how I'm feeling right now, the day before I do my first century. Why am I nervous? Well I think it's because I'm afraid I won't be able to finish. Or maybe I will finish and then I'll scare myself at how tough I've become. Or maybe I'll end up in the hospital because I'll finish but I will seriously injure myself in the process. See how MY MIND SPINS around every possibility?
I did some good meditating this morning, wherein I realized that I need to focus myself and not be distracted by all the crazy energies going on around me. I'm doing OK and I need to feel that everything is fine in my world, because the truth is that IT IS FINE. I don't know why I have a nagging feeling that things are not fine, but it may have something to do with my position at school/work. I can't seem to keep focused.
My boss identified that I have a lack of motivation. At first, I was hurt by that comment, but with time I realized that RESEARCH IS HARD. That's OK, everyone understands that. But I have pretty much forgotten all the wonderful ways being successful and productive in graduate school (right now) will improve my life. That's what she meant. I've been addressing areas of my life that I had been deficient in, and that is hard too, but I need to really get motivated about school and commit myself for the remainder.
I am hoping that the long road of graduate school can be seen as an analogy for an endurance sport, hence the CENTURY I'm doing tomorrow might provide me with some insight that will help me in other areas of my life. Also my research involves studying plant metabolism under aerobic and anaerobic conditions, which is something of interest to athletes as well.
On a side note, my dear husband Mike insisted that I get $300 worth of cycling gear for my birthday (July 6). Bless his heart. Don't ask about the photo.
Labels: century, grad school, love, meditation
FRIDAY, JULY 3, 2009 3:13 PM Clipless pedals
So, I finally got my first donated gear and it is all the more special because it comes from someone I love and respect very much, my cousin Josef Nygaard. He gave me a pair of Diadora Geko road shoes (men's size 7) that he had outgrown several years ago. They turned out to be perfect for me because they are already "broken in" but not completely broken down. To match them, I got Shimano 505 Clipless Pedals from my local bike shop (Anthony's Cyclery).
I have already been warned from experienced cyclists that they really are entry level pedals, recommended because they are "perfect for first timers" due to their doublesidedness, and they are not really suitable for intense training. They are advertised as being stylish, durable, and affordable, I got the whole system for under $60. I've been told that they are appropriate for "commuting and easy riding" and I have also been told that on intense rides I will experience the "burning diamond" of heat generated in the small area where the shoe contacts the pedal. I'm hoping to train on them for at least 6 months before upgrading to something more professional. If I don't notice any problems, I can just keep them.
I've already enjoyed a couple easy rides back/forth to work (3) and several leisurely rides around Riverside (10.26 mi last Saturday and 32.96 mi this Tuesday) and I haven't noticed any serious problems except for the first time I clipped in and panicked when I tried to clip out and stop. Unfortunately, I tipped straight over, but I hear this happens alot.
It had been said to me over and over that pedal systems conserve energy, helping the cyclist ride longer, stronger, and faster. So far I've noticed the benefits most on challenging hills that previously were a lot of work, but now seem downright fun. It's definitely easier to sprint uphill. As for flat ground, being clipped in helps when trying to maintain a steady but quick pace. I do have a bit of anxiety about going downhill (coasting) and being clipped in. In fact, I had a near collision at the bottom of the Canyon Crest hill (near the golf course) where a truck almost turned right into me. Luckily I was able to slow enough and he saw me and stopped also. Glad I didn't completely panic and fall over again. I did experience a tiny bit of fishtailing of my rear tire so I guess I need to consult "Effective Cycling" for more adventageous braking protocols.
Labels: clipless, cycling, diadora, pedals, shimano, shoes
TUESDAY, JUNE 23, 2009 10:52 AM vacances avec mon vélo
I recently had the good fortune to be in Northern and Central California with my Fuji and I was able to squeeze in about 25 amazing miles in between the visiting with family and friends. So worth it.
The ride up to the top of Twin Peaks in SF was grueling but the view was breathtaking and totally worth the effort.
The meandering I did along the well-marked bicycle routes in SB was so relaxing. There's nothing like a Sunday morning ride at the crack of dawn to bring peace and quiet to my soul.
Labels: beach, family, mountains, ocean, San Francisco, Santa Barbara
SUNDAY, JUNE 7, 2009 6:04 PM My First Flat
Just a quick post about a great ride I had today with RBC. I love riding with those guys because I always feel safe and I get a terrific workout. Take today for example, I pushed past the 4o mile wall I'd been running up against. I've been wanting to do 50 miles in a single ride, but I just haven't been able to go that distance yet. Not only did I get closer to 50 miles today than I ever had before, but I did it on a ride with over 1500 ft of climbing. It was tough but the weather was cooperative, cool and cloudy with mist (but no rain) and a breeze. This would have been much more brutal with heat or rain or wind. The positive energy of (some of) the RBCers carried me on wings made of carbon fiber.
This weekend (yesterday) I also got to do the Corona Del Mar Scenic 5K with Sally Dyer (my mother-in-law) and Kristi Preston (my sister-in-law). It was as scenic as promised and just the right distance to enjoy every step. We ran in a women's race, which was fun because I've never done that before. I also got to run together with my family in a race, which is also something I haven't done yet. We had such a good time that I believe this race will be the first of many we'll do together.
Labels: 5K, beach, C25K, ocean, running
TUESDAY, MAY 26, 2009 12:54 AM Perfect Biking Weather
I’ve been riding my new bike a lot. Mom and dad gave me the money to buy a new bicycle, so I bought the fastest one I could afford (plus their help). I went into my local bike shop and the owner (who is a competitive cyclist and known for being a bike fit expert) asked me the following question, “What is it you really want in your new bike?” He stared at me and looked deep into my eyes. I felt like he penetrated deep into my heart and mind. He waited the agonizing seconds for me to formulate a thought. I couldn’t help myself, I said “I want to be AS FAST AS THE BOYS.”
Funny how I’ve always wanted to play with the boys. I’m obviously a girl but as a child I can always remember wanting to chase after boys, play with their toys and hear their stories. Anyway, I went to Anthony's Cyclery because a friend of mine (a boy that I ride with on Tuesday nights, we do nothing but hills and we call it Ceiling Tuesdays) said the UCR Triathalon Club gets their bikes there and that Anthony would take me seriously. It’s funny, the bike ended up costing me $1600, half of which I consider a gift from Mom & Dad. **THANKS!** My parents have always supported me, generously giving me the tools and instruction and freedom and encouragement to achieve anything I wanted in life. I am so lucky.
The other $800 I consider a gift from my husband, Mike. Because some people probably want diamond rings from their husbands, but not me. I love my wedding ring because of what it symbolizes but that’s all the diamonds I need. I consider this bike my 1 year anniversary gift because I got it right around that time. To respect his investment, I’ve been riding as much as I can (4+ days a week) for as many miles as I can do (10-40 miles per ride) as fast as I can (12-18 mph depending on who I’m riding with). Again, I am so lucky to have a husband who is supportive of my hobbies and is interested in promoting my health to the utmost.
The weather here has been really enjoyable lately. We’re getting cloudcover in the mornings, which is gone by noon. This keeps the morning/evenings cool and the afternoons are pleasantly warm and bright. We also have nice sunsets, mostly from all the pollution in the air, but it’s still pretty to me. Great biking weather!
Labels: ceiling tuesdays, family, goals, love
MONDAY, MAY 18, 2009 1:32 PM Exercises in Nonconformity
My last few workouts have been more intense than ever! I have been enjoying myself thoroughly. I am trusting myself and my bike more. I have been pushing to gain both speed and endurance. I hunger for more miles. I eat pavement. I slice air.
Throughout these miles, I ride with all kinds of people, enjoying the challenge and intermittent converation. Sometimes though, I sense an undercurrent of non-acceptance and judgement. Hateration if you will. Of the many types of bicycle riders in the Inland Empire, I have found mainly these types to ride with:
1) Social Spandex Butterflies
These riders take it easy. They wear brightly colored jerseys and travel in packs. They tend to follow traffic rules. They ride expensive bikes and wear expensive cycling gear. They chat/gossip as they ride. For these riders, riding is a hobby best enjoyed at a leisurely pace. It's fun riding with these people because you can listen to their conversations or initiate a chat with someone new. These are good rides to spin, spin, spin and watch the scenery go by. Also fun because the rides usually stop at a coffee shop.
2) Ragin' Road Warriors
These riders haul ass. They also wear brightly colored jerseys and spandex, but usually printed with the logo of their team or the latest and greatest competition they've participated in. These riders don't bother chatting, they're too busy concentrating on their breathing. These individuals are likely to have tattoos and they tend to ride aggressively, sometimes ignoring traffic laws for the sake of keeping up their pace. They have GPS units on their handlebars and PowerNuggets for breakfast. These are fun people to ride with as I try to increase my speed. They don't bother my concentration with mindless get-to-know-you chatter. Also the camraderie at the end of a hard ride is nice.
3) Trixie Fixie Kids
These kids ride fast and dangerous. They wear black. At night. And they have no lights. Their bikes only have one gear. They don't bring tools, spare parts, or water. They may be intoxicated. They look cool hanging out in parking lots, one-upping each other, each stunt more dangerous and out-of-control than the one before. Then they ride on. They dress as if someone might photograph them. And then someone does. Pics from these rides end up on the internet, so you can see what you did even if you were too intoxicated to remember. Most of these kids are students or student-age and therefore ride vintage (some would say thrifty, and some would say ghetto) bikes. I like riding with this group because they are both fast and social. I always meet someone interesting who hides a genuine love for bikes beneath their eccentric facade.
4) Lonely Loner Laboring
I've seen these types out riding at night or during the day. They usually appear bent over the handlebars, grinding the gears, sweating and swearing, trying to escape from something or someone. Maybe you've seen them too. Sometimes I ride with them, sometimes they join in with whoever I'm already riding with, sometimes I pass them by. I might be one of these. I like riding alone, it's peaceful. It allows me to focus all my attention on the energy flows within myself and my connection to the energy flows going on outside myself. I enjoy the challenge of riding with other people, but nothing can replace the solitude of a solo ride.
On group rides, I usually get some egocentric comment like "why don't you wear cycling shorts?" or "why don't you have clipless pedals?" or "i guess you didn't get the memo about the island theme..." from other riders. Well the real answer is: I don't need to look like you to ride with you. I will abide by the rules, whether it be in regards to safety or courtesy, but I don't need to dress like you to enjoy myself. And that's why I'm called the bitch on a bike. I love riding my bike. I just got a new one. It's really fast. But guess what butterfiles: I don't have to buy the same outfits that the rest of you have to get faster. I just have to keep working hard. Hey fixies: You don't need to hate me for spending a lot on my bike, it's exactly what I wanted.
The Tour de Riverside (TdR) was this past weekend. I entered with my mother-in-law (MIL) and her husband, who were riding their tandem beach cruiser (a Kent Dual Drive 21 Speed). I was riding my husband's mountain bike (a Trek 800 Sport ST), and we thoroughly enjoyed the 18 mile tour. There are so many mature and beautiful neighborhoods in R'side, it was such a pleasure to ride. Also, there were some young kids on the ride with us (8 years and older) and they were an inspiration to me. The determination and grit on their little faces made me want to ride all the more. It remided me of my youth and how lucky I was to have a family that made cycling a part of our lives. The TdR was designed to:
1) To encourage the use of bicycles as a safe and viable mode of transportation
2) To enable cyclists to learn about the bicycle trails in Riverside
3) To raise awareness of environmental issues that are alleviated by bicycling (traffic
congestion, pollution, etc)
and since I believe in supporting all of these goals, I made the committment to participate. The only thing was that there seemed to be a lack of participants. I know I see hundreds of people on bikes every day and I would venture to guess that there were less than a hundred people there on that day. Oh well, maybe next year.
I thought I would just closeout this monster entry with my updated MapMyRide stats. I also realized that I haven't blogged about my new bike (a Fuji Supreme RC) which I love but that will have to be another blog for another day...
Total Workouts in 2009: 44
Total Distance: 558.70 mi.
Total Burned: 26,729 (kcal)
Gas Saved: 31.04 gallons
Money Saved: $108.02
Carbon Offset: 600.9 lbs. of CO2
Oh, yeah and I almost forgot... GIRO GIRO GIRO! The Giro D'Italia is on a rest day right now, but tomorrow the riders will tear up stage 10 (out of 21). I've had such a great time watching these races and I would like to thank Universal Sports for bringing it to a US audience. I know it's probably only because Lance Armstrong is in it, but I enjoy watching every rider in the race. I admire the team dynamics. I am energized by the sprints, uphills, downhills, and turns. I try to take one bit of strategy that I see in the race and implement it in my own rides. I use the word Giro as my battlecry as I pump my legs harder, better, faster, stronger.
Labels: Giro d'Italia, hate, Map My Ride, riverside bicycle club, spandex
SATURDAY, MAY 9, 2009 8:47 AM Back in Blog
Well, I've had an eventful several months since my last post. I've been keeping my stats on MapMyRide so I've estimated that I've gone about 250 miles since my last post, either on foot or on bike. The number of miles I have traveled each month in 2009 has surpassed the previous month. I plotted the data and it seemed to fit, with an R(squared) = 0.9874, to an exponential function.
If I extrapolate 10 months into training (which coincides with October 2009), I should be averaging 570 miles per month. We figured that could be achieved by doing 30 miles x 4 days per week. Sounds reasonable! It wouldn't be out of the realm of normal serious training to do such a thing. That's why I colored that part of the plot with the California State flag. I think at the end of that, I'd be ready for a cross-state trip. Lake Tahoe? Hmmmmmmm.....
But how about my goal to "ride across the USA"...? I read about Matthew Klainer's 4,200 mile trip (http://www.rideacross.com/) in 63 days. Then I used my graph and extrapolated it to the month I am hoping to take my trip (June 2010). By 18 months into my training, assuming exponential growth, I could do 4,500 in a month. Hey, it sounds ludicrous, and it probably is, but everyone's got to set big goals, right? And that would definitely get me across the US.
Posted by Kayla A. Kaiser at 5:10 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: distance, goals, Map My Ride
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11, 2009
The Ceiling is Getting Higher
Last night's ride was faster than ever. I was able to use higher gears for a quicker pace throughout the ride and when it was over, I was sorry it hadn't gone longer. That's what happens on weekday rides starting after 9pm I guess.
We ascended 1000 feet throughout our 12 1/2 mile journey. I must admit that I was thinking of my grandfather, who passed away last week. I was thinking about clinging to life while I still have the time to live it, rather than letting it slip away without doing anything meaningful.
Labels: ceiling tuesdays, love, motivation
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2009
Riverside Bicycle Club
So I've been cyberstalking the Riverside Bicycle Club (http://www.riversidebicycleclub.com/)ever since I moved to So. Cal. but had never attended an event because I didn't have anyone to go with. For me, critical social situations require help (backup) and a wingman can certainly diffuse a stressful first meeting. I finally found my in! Tyler and Sam had already been on several rides with RBC and invited us to join them today. Dave, Tyler, Sam and I rode from our apartment to the Mission Inn (4 mi) and then participated in a ride through Riverside (21 mi) and rode back home (4 mi). It was awesome!
Posted by Kayla A. Kaiser at 1:38 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: riverside bicycle club
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2009 11:07 PM
The Riverside Raincross 5K Run/Walk was exhilarating!!! I was lucky enough to be able to run the whole time and finish right at 37:00 minutes:seconds. The course was dynamic, somewhat hilly, and very scenic. It has been so long (~Jan 2008) since I've run for any straight distance, I forgot how exciting it can be to run 5K. It's like the perfect distance to be a bit aggressive throughout. I was pacing myself until about the last 1/2 mile and people who had already finished the race began turning around and walking the course backwards, telling those of us who were unfamiliar with the layout that we should start sprinting. As soon as I knew there was only one uphill, one downhill and a turn left, I started kicking it into gear. I think that's how I got the real runner's high when I was done. Putting one foot in front of another isn't so different from pushing down on pedals one after the other, right?
After picking up my free orange slices donated by Gless Ranch, http://www.glessranch.com/, (incidentally that's where Mike and I got the oranges for table decorations at our wedding reception) and free "Dasani plus Vitamin Enhanced Flavored Water Beverage," I started walking the course backwards like the others had done, giving encouragement/direction to those who were still in the race. It was definitely a positive environment. In all the confusion, I had a hard time finding my dear husband Mike and our dear friend Homero. I did get to talk to some of the ladies who I saw running at a very fast pace toward the beginning of the race. One of the young (high school age) ones finished the entire race in 24 minutes! The older (mom age) ones finished in 30 minutes. I thanked them for their inspiring pace and enthusiasm and complimented them on their cute matching team outfits! They recommended I try some of the other 5K races down by the beach, since I seemed so enthusiastic about this one.
My friend and training teammate Andrew told me about a tool called Map My Ride. It seems like a great place to post your routes for the purposes of sharing good (and bad) routes for everyone's safety and enjoyment. Also there is an iPhone app so cyclists can download routes directly to their portable devices to prevent wrong turns. So I started inputting data from some of our recent adventures into the program and it puts out all kinds of encouraging stats like these (http://www.mapmyride.com/user/464890608312/) to keep me motivated.
Total Workouts in 2009: 11
Total Distance: 91.70 mi.
Total Burned: 4,128 (kcal)
Gas Saved: 5.09 gallons
Money Saved: $17.73
Carbon Offset: 98.6 lbs. of CO2
But it also forced me to confront some discouraging stats like...
Highest Education: Masters Degree
Occupation: Student
Employment Status: Full-Time
Income: $20,000 to $30,000
Have Kids: No Kids
Like if I'm not going to be able to work out now when I'm still in school and have no kids, how am I going to do it later on? And why am I still in school? And how come I make so little money? And when am I going to have those kids? And will I be able to reach my next level of education successfully? The balance between work/play has been difficult for me to regulate and I am still learning how to manage these aspects of my life in order to maximize my productivity and satisfaction both at work and at home. C'est la vie!
And these downright depressing facts...
Weight: 175
Waistline: 24"
Resting Heart Rate: 66 beats per minute
Body Mass Index: 32
I mean it is easy to get caught up in these numbers, right? If you spend your life striving for a target weight, aren't you wasting your life doing nothing but counting things? When is a person able to enjoy life? So usually I aim to be happy and not to worry about numbers like these. Sometimes though, I allow myself to not think of them at all. Perhaps I needed to be reminded of the true situation, not filtered through the lens of my genetic background excuses and not in the context of the people I see around me who are also obese, but from a quantitative medical perspective, I am currently doing damage to my internal organs by carrying this much extra weight around.
For some reason, I just don't like telling people my weight. But I decided that in the interests of being a real athlete here I have to be honest about the facts. I am considered obese right now with a body mass index of 32. Even if I lose 12 pounds, I'm still overweight. For me to get my BMI down into the vicinity of the high end of "normal weight," I would have to get down to my old welterweight of 135. I only remembering weighing this for a very short time when I was running 5K's several times per week with my then-boyfriend who was in Cross Country, and dancing 6 days per week both ballet and my high school dance team. I thought of this XCxboyf on my run today after I passed the 1 mile mark and realized I was holding a bunch of tension in my neck and arms and poorly regulating my breathing. Once I smiled and remembered what he showed me over 12 years ago, I felt my lungs open up and my stride improve. Incidentally, to become "underweight" I would have to drop down to a weight of 100 pounds. That's crazy!
Labels: 5K, C25K, distance, goals, grad school, love, Map My Ride, motivation, positive, running, weight loss
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2009 4:38 PM Weekend plans
This weekend I plan to do some cleaning. I'm in the middle of cleaning my desk at school and also my husband and I are trying to stick to a schedule of chores to maintain a clean house. I'm really trying to make the effort to stay on top of everything going on in my life right now, but I feel I'm slipping on several fronts. I guess that's why they say, "You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time." This leads me to ask, "Who is most important to keep pleased?"
Another thing I would like to do this weekend is enter and finish a 5K race. There's one here in Riverside at Fairmount park and I figure it will be good cross-training. I've been telling people that I plan to run it and getting mixed responses. Some say, "Sweet!" and some say, "Have you been training for it?" I guess I figure that 5K "fun runs" have been designed so that anyone can finish them, regardless of their state of training. Plus I heard a story on NPR about a guy who was studying computer science who was trapped in his apartment building and burned 90% of his body. Part of his recovery involved training for and running in a 5K. If he can do it, so can I. See: http://thestory.org/sidebars/manoj-and-sharon-s-5k-race/
Finally, I'm going to The Bicycle Lounge (http://thebicyclelounge.com/) for the first time to put new shifter cables on my Bridgestone. This was my very first "big girl bike" that I got as a birthday present when I turned 13 (it was assumed I had stopped growing). I've had it ever since, through high school at Omaha North High, college at University of Nebraska at Kearney, graduate school at Arizona State University, and while I was teaching at the community colleges in Maricopa County. I used to commute to ASU but it was only 2 miles each way, then I communted to Scottsdale community college which was 11 miles each way, and finally I used it to commute to UCR which was less than 2 miles each way. It's seen better days, for sure, but with regular maintenance it has held up pretty well. According to an internet bike guru (http://www.sheldonbrown.com/) the Bridgestone team pioneered the design of the first generation mountain bikes by adding steeper frame angles and shorter chain stays, making them more maneuverable and nimble than the older designs, and considerably better climbers. In the '80s this design was considered "radical" but it proved itself on the trail, and was copied by everybody a few years later. This Bridgestone design still is the standard for rigid frame MTBs. Why not put a little love into the old MB and see what she is still capable of?
Labels: love, running, The Bicycle Lounge, vintage
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2009 12:38 AM Why drop the B-bomb?
Well, I debated the name of this blog for quite some time, but I wanted biking to be in there and I have a soft spot in my heart for alliteration. First I did some on-bike brainstorming. I've been thinking about this for the past two rides at least (the Midnight Ridazz Salton Sea 2009 last weekend and then again on Riverside Ridazz Tuesday Ceilings). First, I checked to see if the domain names I had thought about were free. I realized "Bitch on a Bike" was unclaimed, although my other idea "Biking for Boobies" was already in use by some motorcyclists (but good for them!).
What really pushed me to type the phrase "Bitch on a Bike" into the Title field was that after I used the Google feature to obtain a profile of definitions for the word bitch (type in to the search field "define: bitch" to see what I mean). The original definition I had in mind was that a bitch is a person (usually but not necessarily a woman) who is thoroughly disliked. I used that *hate* and contrasted it with my love for females of the canine species, since I am the proud owner of 2 bitches (both mutts) and they are thoroughly liked by just about everyone.
The cool thing is that it can also refer to in general an unpleasant difficulty, as in "this problem is a real bitch." That relates to getting through graduate school. Additionally, bitching is a synonym for complaining, which as you will see, I tend to do quite a bit of. When things make me passionate or polarized, I blog about them. Awesomer still is that Bitch (or bitch) is a nonprofit, independent, quarterly magazine published in Portland, Oregon, that describes itself as a "Feminist response to pop culture." I might just have to start subscribing to that. And finally, to really put me over the edge, if one says "That was bitchin' " with the proper tone of voice, it means excellent!
Labels: Midnight Ridazz
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2009 6:41 PM The Inagural Blog Post
Welcome to my blog! I've been blogging since before they even called it that. I decided to start this blog through the Google clan as a way to establish myself formally in the blogosphere. I want to swim in the common waters of everymanblogger to see how it feels. Hopefully, I will be able to build some new connections and contacts through this medium.
I'm training for a cross-country bicycle ride. My goal is to take this ride after I graduate from University of California, Riverside with as a Doctor of Philosophy in chemistry. I have been an avid cyclist since the early 1980s. My most cherished memory is being buckled in behind my Dad flying through Elmwood Park in Omaha, Nebraska, stretching my arms out, tossing back my head, feeling truly free. I've been chasing that feeling ever since.
In addition to my interest in social networking and my plans to conquer North America on a bike, this blog is devoted to the daily events in the life of a graduate student. I do science. I've always asked, "Why?" Not only "Why is the sky blue?" but also "Why does that paint peel off the wall? What happens if I mix these two substances together and add energy?" My natural curiosity and passion for pursuing knowledge through experience has caused me to pursue the path to professional scientist.
May 21, 2009 6:41 PM what a day I had yesterday
Yesterday I attended two panel discussions at UCR. When I got home last night I still had some work to do, although my head was spinning. I thought to myself, "I need to write a blog about this to sort myself out" so here I am.
Mama PhD
Panelist 1: Aeron Heynie, PhD in English
Panelist 2: Caroline Grant, PhD in Comparative Literature
Panelist 3: Dana Campbell, PhD in Evolutionary Biology
These women contributed essays to a book entitled "Mama PhD" describing their own personal journey through academia and motherhood (or not). I sat in the audience between two other chemistry PhD students who already have children. Each of them independently asked me, "So are you thinking about having children?" What I wanted to say is, "all the time." My biological clock is starting to tick louder and louder each month. My arms ache for a little baby to nurture. The main theme among the panelists seemed to be that those who followed a prescribed course usually had to endure quite a bit of misery trying to maintain balance in their lives and they pretty much feel guilty all the time (Aeron). The most free and happy moms seemed to be those who left academia either to support their husbands (such as Karen White, PhD in kinesiology-exercise science, wife of UCR's chancellor who introduced the panelists with her own story) or left academia to write independently and actively raise their children (Caroline and Dana).
Speak to a CEO
Panelist 1: Rajan Kasetty, grew an IT/Eng design firm, now in alternative energy
Panelist 2: Helen Chen, PhD in Biomedical Sciences, now VP Ambryx Biotechnology
Panelist 3: Amro Albanna, started in technology, now in PC gaming
Panelist 4: Rick Risner, started in the military, now in IT-infrastructure for hospitality
These panelists all participate in the Riverside Technology CEO Forum, which meets with professors and administrators at UCR along with local executives. I sat in the audience with three other chemistry PhD students, each with their own entrepreneurial dreams. The main theme seemed to be that being a CEO is for workaholics only!
I must say that these two ideas (becoming a mom and a CEO) seem mutually exclusive. The one woman who remained steadfastly devoted to her career (on the Mama panel) who has a daughter (after much trouble trying to conceive for 3 years, above age 40, post-tenure process) is trying to convince her husband to their child's caregiver (retire early) so her career can continue and proliferate. That was kind of a turnoff to me. I think that's fine for her, but I'm not that driven in the traditional sense. I feel open to pursuing an alternative career in the sciences. I've seen enough of University politics that I don't want to get bogged down in bureaucracy.
I guess all this left me wondering, "why don't I just get on with it?" Having children I mean. My friend Shannon came to visit this past weekend and she asked me, "why are you finishing your degree instead of starting a family?" Well, now I'm asking myself the same thing. I'm reminded now of when my friend Cheri was in graduate school and I was out in the working world. I felt like she cut off all communication with me and that kind of hurt my feelings. But she's the one who finished her PhD. I'm starting to think that cutting out all other distraction in my life is the only way to go and I should just do that and get the F out of school. I'd prefer to have the leisurely pace my husband seems to have taken through his graduate education, but I don't see that in my cards. Maybe that's what I need, a tarot reading...
Just kidding. I don't know what I need. I know that nobody can give me the answers to these questions. I know I love my husband. I know I wake up every morning and it's my job to make the best of each day. For now, that's all I can do. Life's big decisions don't need to be made today. Actually, life's little decisions need to be made today and it's little decisions that in the end add up to a final result.
My spiritual journey is still going on BTW. I just got a video called "How to know God" narrated by Deepak Chopra. It's interesting. I wouldn't say that I've been fully spiritual, but I've been leaning more toward Eastern religions for some reason. The whole Western notions of God on a cloud surrounded by angels just isn't doing it for me.
#career #education #YGG #gradschool
May 10, 2009 1:58 AM My Thoughts of Late
I'm wondering if there will ever come a time in my life where I set my own ruler at some fixed point when making decisions. Up until now (lately), I have had a completely sliding scale in my decision-making process based on the company around me. I like to think of myself as a fish, I try to swim with those around me and blend in. I don't try to blend in to hide from people, but I like to try to experience any culture firsthand by participating in it, which usually involves me adapting to it.
So, I have been getting pushed and pulled in so many different directions lately, it's causing me mucho amounts of stress. I think that it would be easier if I didn't want any control over my life. Is that the key, just relinquishing control? I like to think that there are a couple hours in the day for me to relax. I like to spend time towards my fitness (at least right now). I do enjoy my work, but I'm still having trouble fitting things into my schedule. I feel like my tasks are puzzle pieces that don't go together. I wonder if any other graduate students in interdisciplinary training programs feel that way.
So what I was saying is that I am getting pulled in different directions and I wonder if I will ever start pushing back. I wonder if I should just be more tough and set boundaries and set my ruler by my own coordinates instead of orienting myself based on present company. When will I ever do that? Does it come at a certain age? Does it happen after you have a child?
Besides the above, I've been having a great time getting back in shape. It's fun, it's self-reinforcing, it helps me manage my anxiety, it gives me a positive outlook for the future, it helps me learn goal-setting and pacekeeping. Also it's easier to eat right when your body becomes a factory. You just gotta encourage the formation of new muscle cells and force each existing muscle cell to run faster and then just listen to your body to see what it needs. My body has needed more dairy, more olive oil, more fresh fruits and veggies. Mike's been under stress and has been craving tea and garlic. Definitely some chemical biology to be explored there.
#stress #fitness
Apr 16, 2009 1:58 AM life...breath...spark
Current mood:restless
Well, here it is past my 1 year wedding anniversary. Time really does fly. I'm already in my 3rd year of graduate school. My puppy is now an adult dog. My aloe vera plant that I thought had died put up new shoots. But seriously...
I am going through a weird phase right now. I had a big emotional build-up to re-taking my oral exam. The one I failed at ASU that led me to give up on a PhD. Well, I passed this time. With honors. That should have made everything better right?
Then I went through a let-down period. I got away with basically doing the minimum at school and focusing on my house, husband and health. I spent time doing things to rejuvinate myself and reconnect with loved ones. That was nice. Now I'm in the upswing where I need to get my research going again and get back to the grind for the next year or two.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I sit down every day at my computer and think, "I hate my life right now." This has been going on daily for several months. I feel like I should be on antidepressants or something. I don't know what it is that I need to get over this. People keep telling me that I just need to get to work. Just do it.
I know that part of the problem is that my research project seems so overwhelming from this vantage point and it seems hopeless to even try to tackle it when I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't know what I'll find, I don't exactly know how to go about doing it, and I might be the only one in the world who cares.
That being said, I love my husband. I love my co-workers. I love where I live. I love my new bicycle. I love my friends. I love my doggies. I just feel like there is something missing. Maybe I don't love myself. I am realizing that I have a problem setting boundaries and asking for help and trusting others not to let me down. How can I improve my feelings of self-worth?
Consumerism isn't the answer. I know some people say "the clothes make the man" but new outfits don't help me. I did get a cool haircut that I've been rocking hardcore, but I am already tired of it. I have been working out more and feeling a sense of physical power and prowess that I haven't felt in a decade, but it's not helping me love myself more. I kind of want to shave my head. Do a Britney. What does that mean?
I've been on a spiritual journey since September of 2008. I've tried to free myself from any assumptions regarding religion. I've tried to open my heart and mind to the universe. The universe has been sending me messages when I have an openness to receive them. One is regarding the "rat race" and how futile it is. Another is regarding the futility of human civilizations, how they are built and destroyed. I suppose I have been seeking truth and universality. The only things I can understand so far are Energy and Love. The flow of Energy and its cyclical coupled transfer from one form to another and back again is pretty universal. The weird thing about Love is that it is like a form of energy that never runs out. That is what distinguishes it from Energy, which seems to be available in fixed quantities that can simply change forms. Love can be unidirectional without consequences or limitations. It is also paradoxically positively self-reinforcing. Love begets love.
I had an urge the other day to free myself from all worldly possessions. I would like to move out of my apartment and leave everything behind. Just go 100% zen minimalist. I don't know if I can do it. Maybe that goes together with shedding excess pounds. I'm trying to let my true self emerge from underneath layers of fat and self-doubt. I'm trying to let the best parts of me rise to the surface to interact with all the other beings on this Earth. It's hard though.
Is that enough stream of conscousness for today? I think so. TTFN.
Comment from Sepi Yaghmei
I am sure you'll feel better after you are done with graduate school. I felt the same way never knew what was bothering me or why I hated life. Even though I am still not where I would like to me in life I don't have that feeling of frustration anymore. Just close your eyes and imagine waking up to your child or going to a very good paid job that you love. Every time you are down think about that feeling and work harder to get there.
#friends #love #hate #cycling
Jan 23, 2009 6:16 PM INBD
Current mood:frustrated
I just googled this phrase and got a variety of responses. Suicide bomber video game, no big deal. Drunk girls, no big deal. My BFF ditched me for a date, no big deal. Sodomy is no longer illegal, no big deal. There’s even an achronym for it’s no big deal: INBD.
Well, I’m tired of people saying that to me. My friend Homero told me last night that the key to my success after having passed my orals is to truly believe without a shadow of a doubt that I’m a badass. He also said it will become increasingly important for me to choose my battles and not fight every person I disagree with. I need to continue to communicate my opinions, because they are valuable, due to my badassness. But I need to sometimes choose to refrain from engaging in heated discussions if INBD.
What I don’t understand is: if nothing in your life is a “big deal” then what does your life mean? If you don’t take yourself or your existence seriously, why bother doing anything. Homero thinks life is about making yourself happy, but for me happiness comes in the satisfaction of engaging in an activity that means something to me. Fighting battles that nobody else wants to fight, or working on problems that other people think are no big deal, but things that make our lives easier, more fulfilling, more efficient, more rewarding, safer, richer, warmer.
I remember why I’m in graduate school. I’m here to get a PhD so I can pursue my own destiny, without restriction. Sometimes I think I will end up teaching community college. That’s the safe route. Other times, I dream of a future that is sparkling like a tiara, set with jewels of many colors, rich with ornate design, yet comfortable to wear. I don’t know what the details of that future entail, but I see its possibility and promise.
#education #gradschool #pain
Dec 28, 2008 11:17 AM time to blog
Well now, Christmas has come and gone. New Year's Eve is approaching. 2008 is basically over. This time of the year is all about introspection. Santa won't give you presents unless you've been a good girl. So have I been a good girl this year? Let's see...
January-we hosted a sweet party, I gave my "2nd year seminar"
February-we got Edna, we went through pre-nuptial counseling
March-we went hiking, we went to the park and we got MARRIED
April-we took a mini-vacation to Santa Monica
May-I itemized our personal book collection
June-I got medication for my anxiety, Edna got a poodle haircut
July-we worked a lot
August-we did some stargazing
September-we took a real vacation (Lake Tahoe), I quit taking anxiety meds
October-we went ice skating, I got an herb garden going, we did Halloween
November-we voted, I skipped Thanksgiving
December-I finally passed ORALS, I enjoyed Christmas
So all in all, I'd say that was a pretty big year for "I" and "we." Time just keeps on ticking by, so all we can do is try to grab each moment and enjoy it while we can. From time to time, Mike and I just look at each other and say, "boy, just wait until we look back on these times." I think we'll remember them with great fondness. We have a cute (little) apartment in a nice neighborhood that is close to our work (hence, no commuting!!!). We have two wonderful dogs that bring joy and meaning to our lives (If you haven't seen the movie Marley and Me, go see it). We have fulfilling ways to spend our time (at work mostly, but also among friends who stop by for dinner or just for a chat, or doing something fun and active like hiking or push-ups).
I guess what I'm feeling now is contentment. Mike is not feeling the same, he's about to undergo a big transition while I'm settling into somewhat of a routine. He's got to write up everything he's done for the past 7 years and get out of UCR, then get a post-doc or a job! That's going to really be a big accomplishment for him and I am honored to be able to be here to help him through it. He's starting to lose his temper with me more often, it's kind of funny since that doesn't really bother me. I can just see the strain within him and I want to do everything I can to alleaviate his suffering. But mostly it's just something he has to go through. All I have to do is stay on task for the next couple years and avoid getting burned out. I anticipate that Cindy is really going to push me now, but at the same time she will make sure I learn how to take care of myself so the level of productivity is sustainable. She's such a good boss, I only hope to do her proud.
It's strange, since I got through my orals it's like I have a ton of extra energy. I think I had been wasting a lot of extra energy worrying about that stupid exam. My psyche was beaten up and throbbing and it was a daily struggle to face that fear. It took so much energy just to get up and start doing what had to be done, so it wasn't like I was just writing a proposal, it was like I had to give myself a daily 1.5 hour pep-talk just to get myself seated in front of the computer. I'd say to myself, "just do it," then my inner child would scream "NOOOOOOOO," then I'd say to myself, "just sit in front of the computer and think for awhile, you don't even have to type right away," and my inner child would start crying hysterically and pounding her fists on the ground and start hyperventilating and screaming "WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH, I DON"T WANT TOOOOOO..."
So I think you get the idea, but it was really like that every day, for the first couple hours I'd be awake. Now, there are no barriers in front of me and there are no more arguments with myself. It's like I say to myself, "Let's do the dishes," and I'm like "Ok, sweet!" It's so much easier.
So, with that, I will be going. Me and myself get to clean the balcony!
#NYE #winter #education #stress #fitness #gradschool
Nov 25, 2008 8:04 PM blah-blah-blog
I tried to post this on 11-20-08 but MySpace was being crazy, so here it is...
I feel I owe myself a blog, since I think I'm the only person who reads this thing. I'm not mad, I don't want a huge following, I don't post often enough to have fans or a book deal, but I do want to try to document what is happening these days.
I wake up to a little paw scratching my arm, it's my doggie EDNA JO wanting a walk and breakfast. She's the cutest little doggie I've ever met, very playful and very smart. I still have MELLE my other dog, but she's turning into an old lady ever since I switched her from adult dog food (1-5 yrs) to mature dog food (5+ years). I waited until she was 8 years old to do that, so maybe the switch is more dramatic. Regardless she looks 12 years old now with very droopy eyes and sore joints and a sad look to her. The last time I saw her looking vivacious was when we took a trip up to the mountains. She was going crazy birdwatching and we took her for a nice hike and she got a chance to roam freely. Edna is a good hiker too.
So, I take the dogs out and feed them. Then I startup my computer. Then I start up the coffee maker. Today, it's a latte/macchiato (I really don't know the difference but I seem to have about a 1:1 ratio of foamy espresso:soymilk with stevia to sweeten it. I usually check my email, facebook, myspace, while drinking my COFFEE and eating some piece of fruit. Depending on how long I have until I must leave for school, I actually get some work done in the morning.
Then, I get to wake up JOHN MICHAEL my darling husband. He's not a morning person. I climb into bed and he complains that my feet are too cold and I'm bothering him. I ignore his complaints and somehow get him out of bed and into the shower. When we get out of the shower, Edna helps me dry off by licking all the water from my ankles. Then comes the YouTube videos. We play a few songs to get us motivated for the day. For example, I just played the Karate Kid montage to YOU'RE THE BEST AROUND. It's so motivational!
I used to make breakfast for both of us, but he hardly eats in the morning now and I prefer the fruit. Sometimes I drink a protein shake. Then we go to school around 9 or 10am. I sit at my desk and work until noon. What is "WORK" you ask... Well work for me is either reading/writing about something I did, reading/writing about something I'd like to do, or putting together a presentation to tell other people what I did or what I would like to do. Sometimes I actually get to do an EXPERIMENT in lab, but that's usually one day per week or less. My experiments are pretty information-dense so it is silly to acquire lots of data and not spend the time to interpret it.
At noon I have LUNCH with some other people in my lab. We sit at a table near some big windows and talk about anything. Sometimes we talk about work, our boss, our teaching load, our writing but mostly we talk about non-science stuff. We ask each other for advice in personal matters or tell funny stories to make each other laugh. I guess that's one way we all STAY SANE. Most of us bring our lunches to save money or be on a diet. It seems like we're always on diets.
After lunch, I do more work. Usually the days are interspersed with MEETINGS. Sometimes these are one-on-one meetings with my boss, sometimes several-on-several meetings regarding one research project involving multiple collaborators, sometimes all-on-all meetings involving everyone in my research group. These are never boring. I actually like research group meetings. I don't have any more classes, but I might take a few later on. I still feel deficient in statistics and genetics, to be specific, and I think taking a course in each of those subjects would put some doubts in my mind to rest.
I may be done with my classes, but I still have to take an oral exam. What is the ORAL EXAM? It's not like a trip to the dentist, that's for sure. I hate the dentist, but I hate the oral exam more. It's where you have to tell a committee of professors (1) what you plan to do for the remainder of your PhD work and (2) demonstrate that you can come up with a novel research idea that is interesting and feasible. I don't know if that sounds easy to you, but it's pretty difficult. If you have read Randy Pausch's "The Last Lecture," he talks about life in academia and he recounts that his oral exam was the most difficult moment of his career. I think it's designed to be that way, so that everything else is easy by comparison. It prepares you for your first job interview and your first application for funding all in one. But I'm in the middle of it right now, so my (school) life basically sucks right now.
Also interspersed throughout my worktime is SEMINAR. I hear two seminars once per week: one in the field of chemistry, and one in specifically analytical chemistry. Once per month, I hear a seminar in plant biology. Sometimes I go to special seminars that don't occur on a regular basis, but I get invited to them and if they sound interesting I go to them. I've been taking my computer everywhere with me since I have an ultra-portable tablet PC. I'm trying to go entirely PAPERLESS. It's working great for me, but I think it annoys people to hear my constant 'clickety-click' on the keyboard. Other times I think people get bored with the seminar and look over to see what exactly I'm typing. Will I ever look at those files again? Probably not. Or maybe. I just don't know. My filing system is sort of a hinderance to finding useful things in old files because I name them according to the date and the type of seminar but not the speaker or the topic so when I do want to go back and find something I end up opening about 20 documents before I find the one I want. Oh well.
After school, I come home. My husband and I are CARPOOLers right now. That in and of itself is interesting. It's tough negotiating when to leave and when to come back. Regardless, he is very accommodating to my needs. I'd say that I am the more inflexible one of the two of us. Also, I'm probably easier to find during the day, usually at my desk working. I try to avoid roaming around the campus or the building. I try to avoid talking to people. I try to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing (except for right now since I'm writing this instead of working on my aforementioned oral exam).
We take our doggies out when we get home, check the mailbox for letters, maybe call some friends over and make DINNER. We talk about what happened during the day, what we found out about our research, our bosses, our friends, our families. Basically some would say we gossip. I prefer the term observe and report. It's more scientific. I understand that I probably could have been a psychologist or reporter because I'm really interested in people and what makes them tick. That's why we get our friends over here, so we can ask them questions and talk and laugh and joke. This is another way to STAY SANE.
After dinner, we try to do something ACTIVE. I like going for night-rides on my bike. Sometimes we go for a long walk. Sometimes we do push-ups or weight training or pilates in our living room. It's nice having the friends that we do right now. They are former/current graduate students at UCR so they understand the stresses associated with being in school. I think it must be hard to understand what graduate school is all about if you haven't been there. I think graduate school is about becoming the BEST at something. An EXPERT. But it's 'no pain, no gain' just like working out. We are expected to be constantly pursuing knowledge towards our area of expertise. We need both bredth and depth. We need to be proficient learners, teachers, communicators, writers, readers, thinkers, etc. It's a trip.
After dinner/workout/sanity time, I go to SLEEP. Sometimes before bed, I read a book. Either fiction or non-fiction outside my discipline seems to relax me so I can sleep and dream about something other than my work. But usually I end up dreaming about work or stressing about family-stuff. I know I don't spend much time talking with my family or being with my family. I guess I just feel like I'm so absorbed in what I'm doing that it's hard to step outside of it to deal with family stuff. But there are definitely some crazy things going on with my family right now and I guess I realize that there is nothing I can do about it so I try to block it from my mind. But it comes to me at night when I'm asleep anyway. I'm a born worrier. Who would I be without my WORRY?
Well, that's about it for me on a day-to-day basis. On the weekends it's not much different except that I don't go to school and I sleep in later and I don't wake up ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Mike at all. He usually gets out of bed in the afternoon. The weekends are full of little obligations (family get-togethers, work-related parties) and shopping trips to keep food on the table or to do some home improvement project. I would say that my life is very good right now. I wouldn't describe it as FUN but I know that I am working toward a brighter future for myself and my family and it is important to keep on keepin' on.
#dogs #gradschool #fitness #cycling
Oct 9, 2008 5:04 PM Conversations on Diversity
Current mood:contemplative
Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting a black guy who is running for president. Not Obama, but Joseph Francisco, a professor of chemistry at Purdue who is running for president of the American Chemical Society. He was a really dynamic guy. He told us stories of what it was like for him, graduating with his PhD in 1983 and entering the academia job market in 1986. His first faculty appointment was at Wayne State. I can only imagine what it was like for him, I've been there, it's depressing. After his research talk at colloquium yesterday, I shook his hand and thanked him as I would thank a veteran of a war. I told him, "thank you for your service." Just simply that. His suffering has altered people's perceptions just enough to let more of us (minorites) come up through the ranks with less hassle. He looked deep into my eyes with all genuineness and shook my hand back. Then he let go of my hand and started fanning his face saying, "y'all are going to make me cry now." That was not my intent, but I'm not sure anyone had ever thanked him like that before and it had to be done. My boss has arranged for three speakers about increasing diversity in Chemistry for this quarter and Joe was the first.
Running through my head as I write this is a Jay-Z song...
Put that in an egg shell, standin' at the tabernacle
Rather the church, pretendin' to be hurt
Wouldn't work, so a smirk was all on my face
Like damn that mans face is just like my face
So Pop I forgive you for all the shit that I lived through
It wasn't all your fault hommie, you got caught
Into the same game i fought
And I can't help the poor if I'm one of them
So I got rich and gave back to me that's a win win
So next time you see the homie and his rims spin
Just know my mind is workin just like them
(The rims that is)
Thank god for granting me this moment of clarity
This moment of honesty the world'll feel my truths
Through my hard knock life time my gift and the curse
I gave you volume after volume of my work so you can feel my truths
I built the dynasty by bein one of the realest niggas out
Way beyond a Reasonable Doubt (Yall can't fill my shoes)
From my Blueprint beginnings to my black album ending
If you listen close you'll hear what I'm about
Nigga feel my truths...
I remember when my friend Mike McKay used to joke, "we wish we were black." I'd always say, "speak for yourself." I know for a fact that there are still a lot of racist white-folk out there and I never for one minute wish I had to go up against them. I can only extrapolate the feelings I feel at conferences when old white guys talk down to me or speak directly to my cleavage and when I don't flirt back they walk away or tell me that I'll never amount to anything because I'm a bitch. I don't know why I'm laying all this down, but I'm PMS-ing and I'm worried about the election.
A friend came over to watch the debate and brought a memory stick full of music. He said, "I know you like hip-hop and this is an artist from Minneapolis I think you'll like." And I said, "Atmosphere, right?" And I was right. He was surprised/impressed. We also had a big concert on UCR's campus the other day and the headlining acts (on two separate stages) were The Roots and DJ Z-Trip. I was so excited to see Z-Trip in person, he's a major player in Furious Styles Crew out in the 602 (Phoenix). I heard a lot of his music by taking the hip-hop class at Scottsdale Community College and if you haven't heard it, you should check his new stuff rep-ing Obama. He DJd the Democratic National Convention. http://djztrip.com/obama/
Anyway, yesterday, my own husband asked me, "how is it that you got so into hip-hop?" and the truth is that I grew up with it as strange as that seems in the middle of Nebraska. It's all I heard at school from second grade through the end of high school. I didn't even start listening to rock music until my college roommate played it. Anyway, that's a whole other tangent. But these conversations on diversity are painful and it's hard to understand another person's pain when you've never felt discrimination and hatred for the way you look.
#music #friends
Sep 11, 2008 6:19 PM Lake Tahoe Trip - part II
Current mood:peaceful
Well, I can continue our travelogue from that point now. Friday morning we had
another wonderful breakfast of egg and toast. Not to mention the latte, which I wish I had to drink right now. We walked down to the beach and sat at the end of the pier, so Mike's uncle Marshall and his girlfriend Kim could say goodbye to the lake. We walked back up to the cabin, Sunbeam, and took some parting photo/video. We had been having so much fun all week that we didn't record much. We helped them pack up their car and get away on their journey home. It was sad to see them go, I cried. Mike and I went to rent some mountain bikes next. I got a red one and Mikey got a blue one. We didn't really have any clue where we were going, but we set off in the general direction of Lake Tahoe Community College. We took the residental streets that were marked with 'Bicycle Route' which was neat because we got a chance to see the homes
of actual South Lake Tahoe residents. Many of them are built high off the ground and have the look of ski chalets, built of a richly colored red wood with shuttered windows and overhanging green roofs and second or third floor decks. I guess they regularly get 10 feet of snow, so a second floor patio would be ideal in the winter. Riding through town, we got to really inhale some of that pine/sunshine-scented air that I love so much. When we got to the school, we found Cynthea's office easily and she showed us all the science classrooms and computer labs. Although they don't have any open positions right now, it was nice to see where she works and it's always good to make contacts and keep my ultimate goal in sight. Cynthea asked what we were doing for the remainder of the day since it was only about 1pm and I said that I'd like to ride all the way around Lake Tahoe. She laughed and said it was impossible because it was a 72 mile trip. I said that was fine but maybe we'd make it. We rode back to Camp Richardson and got on a trail that went around the perimeter of the lake. It was awesome! Too soon we came to the end of the trail. To continue around the lake, we would have had to ride on highways and we didn't have the
gear or proper bikes. We met a couple as we were turning around who was biking all the way around the lake for their 32nd wedding anniversary. If that's not divine inspiration for us (Mike and I) to go back up there and ride all the way around the lake, I don't know what is. After we returned the bicycles, we stopped at a restraunt on the pier for drinks and appetizers. Unfortunately, both of our bodies (stomachs) were so shocked from all the exercise we couldn't
finish our drinks or our food. Fortunately, we got to watch the sun go down from 5pm until it was pretty dark at 9pm. It was so peaceful just watching people out on the lake, enjoying their boats, watching families on the beach with children building sand castles, watching the birds try to charm some food out of us. I fell asleep in front of the fire in the lobby again, as Mike relaxed in the Jacuzzi.
Saturday, we had a date with Steve and Cynthea Preston. We were to meet at their home at 9am for a hike and then a boat ride. When we arrived, they were waiting with the truck all packed up and we drove up a hard-to-find road to a trailhead. The 1 mile trail was easy to traverse but a bit steep, and it was a nice chance to talk with the Prestons in such a peaceful setting. The trail ended at upper Angora Lake, a glacially carved bowl filled with blue-green water
lined on one side with steep cliffs for jumping into the lake and on the other side there were several large cabins that are privately owned and operated. An office/store cabin was available providing boat rentals and fresh-squeezed lemonade, which we gladly sampled. We sat at a picnic table drinking the delicious lemonade and heard stories about the Prestons hiking to this area for years with their children and grandchildren. Throughout this vacation, I kept getting deja vu with the scenery around me. I came up with a theory that many of the Disney and Hanna-Barbera animators must have vacationed in these areas and incorporated the scenery into their cartoons. I don't know that to be true, but it sounded like a good theory. We hiked back to the truck and drove to the
marina where Steve and Cynthea's boat was harbored. That boat looked like a white cadillac crossed with the batmobile. It had a black custom cover, black and white exterior, white leather seats, silver trim and boy did it look fast. I knew right then that I was in for another new but scary situation. I've been on boats before, but I've never had any particular 'need for speed.' This boat whispered to me, 'come on in, I'll show you the whole lake in under 20 minutes.' Everyone casually stepped into the boat (did not wear life jackets) and we zoomed from their marina across to near Emerald Bay. We stopped there to admire the color and clarity of the water. It was like the whole lake was made out of the Hope Diamond. We ate chips and tuna salad sandwiches, prepared by Cynthea and had granola bars for dessert (my one culinary contribution of the whole vacation). Steve and Cynthea had to get back for a housewarming party and get ready to host a baby shower the following day,
so we cruised expiditiously back to their marina and they dropped us back at Camp Richardson. We throught it was such an amazing day, and it was only 2pm, we didn't think we could plan anything as amazing for the rest of our day. Wrong! We decided to drive up to Echo lake and see if we could rent a kayak or just spend some time up there. That's where Mike's family has a cabin on the lake, but it's very far from the parking lot so you have to hike to it or get there by boat. Unfortunately, when we got there, the marina/lodge/rental place was closed for the season. The sun was setting on our vacation and I really wanted to see the 'cabin at Echo' that had been so fondly remembered by the entire Moore/Kaiser family. I told Mike that we should just start hiking and see how far we could get. Perhaps we could catch a glimpse of the cabin before we lost all daylight. I have never hiked with such determination and purpose in my life. In addition, the hike was the most beautiful and scenic of any hike I've taken in my life. We had almost completely unspoiled wilderness for as far as the eye could see, complete elimination of city/human noise, a well-worn trail that didn't require constant vigilance in choosing one's footing (which allowed me to freely enjoy the views for the majority of the hike). When we got to a spot where we could at least see the cabin, we decided that should be our turnaround point. We took a little rest on a dock and just absorbed the silence. It was incredible. I had suggested we do some fishing to catch our dinner for the night, and I'm
convinced that if I had had a fishing pole and bait with me, we would have come home with at least 3 fish. I mean we were there during that magical time when the insects gather at the water's surface and the fish jump up to catch the bugs. The sun started to set, causing the trees to shadow over the water and I saw a bunch of fish splashing around and frolicking looking for their dinner. We reluctantly prepared to head back, knowing we were now racing against time for light and warmth. When we got back to where the car was parked, the sun had just become completely invisible behind the mountains surrounding Echo lake. It was perfect, I couldn't have planned it better. Luckily, I had packed heavy coats for us in the car, so we sat on the dock in our nice warm coats and
watched the sky go from blue and white to yellow to orange to pink to purple and finally to midnight blue dotted with stars. There was still no human noise and it was very magical to just sit there and be still after our vigorous hike. We drove back to Camp Rich in amazement and went to our respective Fire/Jacuzzi spots to wind down before bed.
Sunday, we slept in and woke up just in time to pack everything in the car and check out at exactly 10am. We drove to Fallen Leaf lake, another lake near Tahoe but much smaller, about one mile to the south of where we had been. The Fallen Leaf Lake Chalet offered a gift shop, equipment rental and a cafe.
We took advantage of the cafe and I had the Fallen leaf breakfast (2 scrambled eggs, choice of meat, toast) and Mike had the Fallen Leaf Special (toasted plain bagel spread with cream cheese, sprinkled with lemon pepper, topped with a tomato slice and melted pepper jack cheese). Mike got a coffee and I
got a soy latte. It was amazing to eat on their deck overlooking the lake. It was low-impact but very enjoyable nonetheless. Notably, the dock we ate by was the place where Mike's parents first met, without wich I would not have such a wonderful husband! So it was an important stop in my Tahoe education.
Finally we got back in the car and started back towards Riverside. Just when you think this story has come to an end, I must admit we got lost on highway 4 which goes through Stockton and joins with interstate 5 (eventually). We had intended instead to take the highway 89 to highway 395, but our little
detour just so happened to lead us to a winery. (Imagine that!) It was called Brice Station Winery and it was turned into a grape farm after a big fire burned acres of trees on the property. The family who owns the land started growing grapes to cheer himself up after the fire almost consumed his home and other buildings on the property. Next to the winery tasting room, there's 'Quyle Pottery Kiln' and a Pottery Shop. The staff allows residents and neighbors use their kilns to fire ceramics and other glass projects. Up the driveway, there
is a workshop containing an antique printing press and a working blacksmith shop. In fact the resident blacksmith was making a knife and repairing farm equipment as we watched. It was a good stop, we ended up taking home
several bottles of wine and some olive oil grown, pressed, and infused by another farmer down the road a bit. By the time we got back to Riveriside it was 2am but it was worth the stop to see a family-owned working farm
right in the middle of California.
#travel #mountains #food
Sep 5, 2008 8:03 AM Lake Tahoe
I'm writing you from South Lake Tahoe, CA. It's gorgeous up here. Normally I send pictures, knowing that those can tell 1000 words. Since I forgot my camera this time, I can only attempt to describe to you our trip so far...
We arrived after dark on Monday evening. We are staying at the Historic Camp Richardson, which has been on this land since before 1900. There are cabins and a lodge, and we're staying in a room at the lodge. We're literally a hundred steps from the edge of the lake. You can't imagine the scenery. There are tall pine and redwood, aspen and eucalyptus, manzanita and ferns, and the water... it is so clear. The visibility is 100 feet under water. Lake Tahoe is the world's second largest alpine lake. The water temperature is about 68 degrees right now. It was about an 8 hour drive from Riverside, but it was a beautiful drive along several scenic roads. The hotel rooms are about $87/night and it's about $1000 to rent a cabin for an entire week! Now I understand that for Nebraskans, Platte River cabins are only about $250/week and Mahoney cabins are more like $900/week. So, all that being said, I still recommend it.
Tuesday morning, we met Mike's aunt, uncle and grandmother at the cabin they were staying at (50 steps away from the lodge) and had a gourmet brunch complete with cappuccino, eggs and toast with melted cheese and avocado, also fresh orange juice. We took a stroll through some historical buildings on the nearby property which, like Camp Richardson itself, have been donated to the state of California and are operated by the state park service. After that, I went for a swim in the lake. Very refreshing. We had dinner at a picnic table in front of the cabin. Mike's uncle was the ultimate chef and refused to let us lift a finger all week! During our meal, we heard someone yell, "Bear, bear, everyone inside your cabins!" (which most people took to mean, 'get your cameras and get out here') Well we did see a mother black bear and her two cubs walk directly through our campsite, circling one cabin and exiting through a fence. They looked so cuddly, but we were glad they didn't come to steal our delicious meal. After that excitement, we watched the sunset from the end of a pier and talked late into the night.
Wednesday morning, we had another amazing breakfast composed of a banana and another high-protein egg dish. We strolled along the beach and visited the place where Mike's sister was married over 10 years ago. Somehow, a hike was decided upon and I was totally excited!!! We drove between Emerald Bay and Cascade Lake. If you look it up on Google Maps, you can see all kinds of pictures. Instead of some relaxed, strolling hike, we descended directly down the same path Eagle Falls takes. I mean some serious rock climbing here! When we got to the bottom, we had a picnic in front of Vikingsholm, a little Swedish-style chalet. Mike's uncle, Marshall, said it was an important rite of initiation into the family but I thought I was going to become seriously injured. Luckily for me, I made it all the way down safely and we hiked up a pretty normal trail that was lined with smaller waterfalls to get back to the car. It was amazing. When I saw the path we had taken down the mountain, I was surprised that I was willing to do it, but it was definitely an amazing experience. We reconvened at the cabin for dinner and a little sand volleyball. We had grilled salmon, corn on the cob and spinach salad. Then I found the "big fireplace" in the lobby of our lodge, and fell asleep there while Mike and his uncle spent some bonding time in the Jacuzzi.
Thursday morning (aka much earlier today), we had a breakfast of apple-smoky-chicken-sausage and eggs and potatoes. It was great. Then we decided to rent some kayaks and get out on the lake. We got 2 two-person kayaks and I was so nervous before we got on them. I remembered how scared I'd been the day before, climbing down a huge rock face. As soon as we got all in the kayak and paddling, I swear I felt something awaken in me that I had never felt before. I am a natural born kayaker. That was the most fun I've ever had. And what scenery! We got to see how the surrounding mountain ranges look different from every angle. If you can cover some distance, it's just like you get a glorious panorama all around you that keeps changing and getting more beautiful every minute. We snuck in a little extra time on those kayaks after the marina staff told us they didn't really mind the time limits. I can't wait to do that again. Then we went to dinner at Steve and Cynthea Preston's house. They are the parents of Mike's sister's husband. Cynthea is the Dean of Instruction for Science, Math, Business, Physical Education, and Occupational Programs at Lake Tahoe Community College, so it's always great to talk with her about education. And boy did they feed us! We had grilled fish, broiled chicken, grilled and steamed vegetables and new potatoes with caramelized onions, watermelon, bruschetta, it was so amazing! And homemade ice cream and cherry-walnut cobbler for dessert. Wow. Luckily after 3 hours of kayaking, I felt absolutely no guilt! And now it's Thursday night, or very early Friday morning, and I must get some sleep. Who knows what adventure we will be on tomorrow?
#food #travel #education #mountains
Aug 11, 2008 9:11 PM goodbye dog days
I used to love the phrase "the dog days of August." I don't know why but it just sums up how August feels. So I wikipedia'ed it and found out that today is the last of the dog days (according to the Farmer's Almanac, they last from July 3 to August 11). It was named for the star Sirius, the "dog star," but I took it to mean the hottest time of year when you sweat like a dog. That in itself is an ironic phrase, because dogs don't sweat like humans do anyway. I guess you could use the phrase working like a dog. That makes more sense I think because some dogs work pretty hard. But I think most domesticated dogs don't work or sweat, they just lay around all day, so that doesn't really jive either.
The phrase "dog days" used to bring to mind all the fun things we did in the summer like run through the sprinkler or get all muddy in the garden or play house with cucumbers as babies or put on a backyard circus. We had all kinds of outdoor games that could go on for hours and hours since we could stay out until dark and those days were so long. In addition to us kids frolicking around in the backyards, there was often a dog. Whether it was our dog or the neighborhood "terror of the week," a big black lab that we would let chase us, there seemed to be a dog involved.
As I look up into the night sky now, I don't know which star is Sirius but I have seen a very bright red thing and people tell me it's a star because it twinkles. With a simple search just now, I learned that these dog days have been rich with celestial happenings. The perseids meteor shower is going on tonight! It's in the northeast sky below the sideways W of Casseopia. Also, five planets are visible with the naked eye (mercury, venus, mars, jupiter and saturn). Darn, how will I figure out what large red body I've been facinated by every night? I think it must be Mars because it seems much bigger than a star, at least that is if I see it when I'm looking southward. Well I just google satallite mapped my apartment and I determined that the bright red thingy I was seeing was in the Southern sky is definitely Mars.
OK, so I'm no expert at astronomy but isn't science cool? Just to tie those two topics together, I found Sirius in the night sky and it should appear in Southwestern part of the sky, very near the horizon, as a part of Canis Major.
#science #education
Aug 7, 2008 6:32 PM stop haunting me
I made a serious effort last night to get relaxed before going to sleep. I did some exercises and stretches, then gave myself a neck and shoulder massage, then meditated to the sound of a babbling brook (compliments of my sound generator) and drank some tension tamer tea. I laid down in bed and felt very centered and relaxed. But I had some very vivid and strange dreams. I don't know if I was getting extra blood flow to my brain or if the fact that I wasn't stressing about school allowed all these other thoughts to float up to a higher level of my consciousness...
I dreamt that each of my ex-boyfriends were at a party with me and a bunch of other random people and my husband was there too but as usual we were socializing with different people throughout the party scene and not hanging around together (we do enough of that at home). The party was at some big house with a considerable property surrounding it or else it was bordering on a nearby park. I rode my bike around and walked through some tall grass and walked through the house too because the dream seemed to go on forever.
Throughout the course of the party, these ex-boyfriends came up to me and offered me relationship advice. They each told me something about myself that I should remember to either do or not do based on the experiences I had with them, things that could prevent conflict between me and my husband now and in the future. It was so strange. The thing that happened that finally woke me up was that some guys in my lab and I were asked to go up on a stage and perform for the party guests. All of a sudden the party was some kind of music festival and I was supposed to go up on stage and sing. Just as I had thought to myself, "I can do this, so what if I'm not that good at singing and we haven't rehearsed any songs..." I woke up.
All day (so far) I've been haunted by these vivid memories of my ex's and their frank advice. They all told me point-blank what I could have done better. They weren't emotional or highly confrontational. It was like a casual conversation that put me "on the spot" without anywhere to run or hide from the truth. It was painful, actually but it just kept going on and on. So I'd like to say to any of the people from my past who might read this... Thanks for the advice but I'd prefer it if you would please stop haunting me.
#friends #fitness
Jun 26, 2008 12:47 AM optimism = youth ?
Current mood:contemplative
So this weekend, I heard a story on NPR about "the youth vote." I guess some college sophomore has organized a group called "18 in '08" to mobilize young people and try to convince politicians to take the youth vote seriously and discuss issues that matter to young people. I started thinking about youth and what it means. I'm still thinking about my upcoming birthday and how I'm not really considered part of the "youth" anymore. What is the difference between the me now and the me that was?
I was thinking that a big part of it is optimism. I wouldn't say that I am not optimistic on some levels now, but I'm definitely more restrained than I used to be. I used to think everyone wanted to be my friend, and now I think some people like me and I can't worry about the rest. I used to think that if I devoted my energies to "helping the world" that it would actually make a difference, now I just do graduate school and let other people worry about the rest of the world. Not that I won't possibly make some small contribution to "helping the world," in fact I think there is a chance I might do that, but I'm just not quite so ambitious.
So maybe youthfulness comes down to ambition and not optimism… do young people tend to "bite off more than they can chew" and older people just know how much they can handle. I'm still optimistic to some degree. But will that continue to fade with time? Does age inevitably bring on skepticism?
Why is it that now I let "other people" worry about all of the world's problems that aren't directly related to my research? Maybe it's because I've found that that is what I have to do to get through graduate school. Will I go back to being concerned with the rest of the world once I get done? Not likely… Hopefully I will be able to start a family and then I'll probably be consumed with worrying about them and not so much the world around us.
Do politicians really do the same thing? Do they claim to care about the world's problems when all they really care about is maintaining and advancing their career and/or their family? Sometimes I think so. But luckily I'm not as optimistic as I used to be, so I am not as bothered by that idea.
#stress
Jun 13, 2008 11:32 PM interesting....
http://www.slate.com/id/95903/
#science #stress
Jun 11, 2008 11:16 PM counseling is fun!
So.... how to begin. I am in graduate school, part deux. I already gave this a try one time and failed. I left my first program, albiet with a Master's degree but I had intended to finish with a PhD. Why you ask? Because I want to be more in control of my own destiny. I want to push through the glass ceiling. I want to be my own boss. Basically I want the freedom to reach the highest position, if I so desire it. Without an education, you cannot make it to the top. At least in my field (chemistry).
So, like I said. I already tried graduate school once and failed. And here I am giving it another shot. It's scary. I'm at the point now when I quit last time and I'm getting a serious fear. I want to quit again.
There. I said it. So I started going to the counseling center. I feel like I have to push through this fear or it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm in such a good place right now. I love Riverside, CA. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my dogs. I love my apartment. I love learning new things. I love my friends. I love my co-workers and my boss. So I have to lean on them. Yes, I have to ask them for help. And I'm not very good at asking for help.
Sorry this isn't a humorous blog. But this is a serious matter, deserving to be documented along with all the other big news in my life. My heart and my ears are more open now than they have ever been at any time in my life. I want to move forward but it's so painful. There's a scared little person inside me that is cringing away from this experience and I have to talk to her and tell her it's OK to be scared but we have to walk together (even if we only take baby steps at first) toward the next obstacle.
So, No. I don't think I can go on any vacations this summer. I have to continue to go to school every day and take action against this fear. Deep breathing is the enemy of anxiety. It's OK to be afraid. Apprehension toward a painful experience is acceptable. But that does not mean you have to bend to its will.
I must think of this experience NOT as a trial by fire with the unavoidable outcome of failure, I must think of this as a dialogue between my colleagues and myself with a slightly formalized structure to it. It is an opportunity to see where my ideas can be strengthened, not a situation where I am doomed to endure a barrage of unanswerable questions while the committee agrees I do not belong in graduate school. Just a discourse among scholars.
I must think empirically about this situation. If I act the same way as I did last time, the outcome MAY be the same, but I am the ONLY common factor between the two equations. There are other factors such as the academic climate at UCR is not the same as ASU, the committee members are not the same, I am not the same person I was then. I'm Kayla Kaiser now. I can do things differently. I can ask for more help. I can engage the committee members in more dialogue prior to the exam. I can make steps forward.
And I will not forget to breathe.
On another topic, is 28 old? You know how we all have magic numbers in our heads for like, when we will be married and when we'll have children and when we'll be rich? Well I think my numbers in my head were like this:
18 = finish high school
22 = finish college, get married
28 = be done having kids, so I'll be a cool young mom.
The way it's going, I'm pretty far behind. I had made peace with the whole delaying marriage thing. But the kids thing is freaking me out now.
I heard a show on NPR on Mother's day (which was already a whole month ago but it's still on my mind almost daily) that reported the ideal biological age to have children is 22. After that, fertility declines until age 35 and after that it becomes much harder. The eggs become more likely to be genetically abnormal with age (and no doubt with increasing exposure to chemicals... AAaahhh I'm a chemist for goodness sakes) and as they are more abnormal, you get increased incidence of miscarriage.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=90227229
Now... I can understand if the story was meant to make young unmarried mothers feel better about having children. Mother's day is designed to honor mother's not women who have been delaying childbearing for more than a decade. But come on, this story put me into a complete panic combined with my upcoming birthday. What's a girl to do?
#fail #education #redo
May 21, 2008 9:01 PM my Aha! moment
Current mood:surprised
That's a term borrowed from Oprah, btw. The Aha! moment.
Well, I'm sitting at home, getting some R & R after a business trip. I'm feeling antisocial. I spent the entire weekend and early part of the week "networking." For me this entails: putting my best foot forward (i.e. totally censoring everything I say and do), struggling to remember names and locations where those people work (which I natrally suck at), agonizing over what to wear and how much or how little make-up to put on (not slutty, not too provocative, not plain, not stuffy, make an impression but not the wrong one, etc.). It's exhausting. So I'm sitting at home and surfing the internet.
So getting back to the theme of this blog, Aha! I finally realized why I got so into "theknot.com" and wedding planning. It was my chance to feel openly emotional and feminine. It was a platform to discuss "girly" things with other girls without hate or jealousy or judgement. The posts on the discussion boards there were most remarkable displays of woman-to-woman kindness I've ever seen. It's like when the face-to-face interactions were subtracted from the equation, and women had a genuine need for help and advice, they were able to reach out to each other. I put some questions out there and got timely, thoughtful responses. I put some suggestions on other people's threads. It was really something I've never experienced before. NEVER.
So even though my wedding is over, I keep returning to the "Mar-08 knottie" discussion board hoping that we'll still have something to talk about. Unfortunately, now that everyone is married, it's turning into a contest again. Who's already done with their thank you cards? Who is pregnant already? Who gained back the weight they lost for their wedding day? It's sad and I'm mourning those friendships as I write this. I wonder, "will I ever have the opportunity to have such woman-to-woman relationships again?" Is this type of no-hate interaction only possible online?
Maybe it's something I do. Maybe I sabotage face-to-face interactions. I don't have the answers to these questions because I haven't ever been NOT myself. I don't hate women, I just get a very strange (tense) vibe from most of them. It's so sad that I'm tempted to cut and paste all the discussion posts into a word document just so I can remember what it was like. I'm not asking for advice or understanding, I don't know why I am posting this here. Sometimes my blogs are just to record a feeling or strong thought I have.
P.S. I just got finished with "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance." It was amazing. Really got me thinking about philosophy, art, science, history, idealism, morals, family, life, death and cross-country trips on a motorcycle.
#writing
May 13, 2008 7:58 PM
calling all active myspace bloggers...
Current mood:amused
You know who you are. Those who feel compelled to write. Why do we post (selected) details of our life for anyone to read? Why does YouTube work? I was walking around campus the other day and I got behind a couple who was having an interesting conversation about blogging. One of them said "I've always been really open about the details of my life, but when it comes to blogging, I get stopped up." The other one said, "I know totally." I was thinking to myself, "Well just tell me in person then, I'm already eavsdropping on your conversation."
I just got the bomb dropped on me by my boss. Every graduate student is familiar with this bomb. The "I don't think you're taking your academic progress seriously" speech. It usually contains the phrase "50-55 hours per week on average" and "you do want to graduate sometime, right?" So I stayed late today to show that I heard every word. Now I'm sitting here with an aching back and writing in my blog instead of going home. Since I got "the speech" I actually feel like I should keep working. There's definitely work to be done. That's the problem with graduate school. There's always something you should be doing. I had been getting pretty good at leaving between 5 and 6pm but now that the bomb has been dropped, I'm feeling that guilt. What's a grad student to do?
And what's the deal with Facebook? I'm so used to MySpace I can't really get into another format. Joining Facebook was actually my boss' idea. She heard about it from her daughter (also a graduate student but not at our school) and thought it would be a good way for new students to "hear about things" and "meet people." I don't think she understands that for some people MySpace and Facebook are ways to brag about your drinking and post scandalous photos of yourself and make yourself look cooler and better looking than you actually are. Maybe that's why I like it, but I don't know if it will really help new students feel welcome unless they are drunken sluts (like me).
#writing #technology
May 11, 2008 9:54 AM field soberiety tests
Current mood:surprised
Mrs. There's a cop behind us.
Mr. Speed up, you're going below the speed limit.
Mrs. Well I don't know what the limit is so I'd rather go slower.
Mr. At least put on your cruise control. Change lanes.
Mrs. He's still following us.
Mr. His lights are on, he's pulling us over.
Cop1. May I see your license?
Cop2. Is there any reason you might have been driving erratically?
Mrs. Honestly I was eating some cheeze-its.
Cop2. Have you been drinking today?
Mrs. Yes. I came down here to do some wine tasting.
Cop2. Step out of the car please.
Cop2. Without looking at your watch, what time do you think it is?
Mrs. Some time after 7:00 but not quite 7:30.
Cop2. What did you have to eat today?
Mrs. Two eggs, side of potatoes, bran muffin, orange juice at Mimi's cafe.
I love that place.
Cop2. How much sleep did you get last night?
Mrs. I went to bed between midnight and 1am and got up at 9am.
Cop2. Are you taking any medications?
Mrs. No, I just drink a lot of caffeine. It's my drug of choice.
Cop2. Do you feel intoxicated?
Mrs. No, I feel relaxed but it's Saturday right? So I was trying to relax.
Cop2. Is there anything wrong with your car.
Mrs. No.
Cop2. Since you admit that you've been drinking, I have to give you a
field soberiety test. Is there any bodily injury that would prevent
you from performing these tests?
Mrs. No. These shoes are about a half size too big though.
Cop2. You can do the tests without your shoes if you like.
Cop2. Follow this pen with your eyes.
Mrs. I have contact lenses.
Cop2. I'm not looking whether you blink alot, blinking is fine.
Mrs. There's a lot of traffic going by here.
Cop2. That's why I didn't become highway patrol. Let's face the other way.
Cop2. Walk nine steps with one foot in front of the other counting each step
outloud. Turn around any way you like. Walk nine steps back and stop.
Mrs. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
Cop2. Ok.
Mrs. This pavement slopes so it might look like I don't have my balance.
Cop2. You can face any way you like for the other tests.
Mrs. I'm just a bit nervous, I've never done this before.
Cop2. Now stand with your arms at your sides and your right foot six inches off
the ground and count to thirty outloud by thousands.
Mrs. One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand.....etc
Cop2. Now stand with your feet together and your arms at your sides and tilt
your head back and close your eyes. Count to thirty by thousands again
but this time in your head. Then tell me when you get to thirty.
Mrs. Ok. I'm done.
Cop2. Just come over here to my vehicle.
Do you know the English alphabet?
Mrs. Yes.
Cop2. Well, we never know so we have to ask. See this line here?
Mrs. Yes.
Cop2. Write the letters A-M in capital letters above the line, and the letters
N-Z below the line. Write what time you think it is, the date and sign it.
Cop2. Well, you've passed all the field tests. At this point I would give you a
breathalizer but I don't have one. I think you would be below the legal
limit based on these tests. I do want to emphasize that wine is stronger
than beer. If you have one full glass of wine, that is equivalent to 4
beers. I've done wine tastings myself and it's possible to get pretty
drunk. Next time try to designate a driver.
Mrs. Yes, of course sir.
Cop2. The truth is that someone called us and said you were swerving around.
Why would they say that?
Mrs. Well my husband bought a package of beef jerky and he couldn't get it
open so even though I was driving, I opened it for him. He said what a
good mom I would be, you know with mother's day coming up and
everything.
Cop2. Well, just be careful. I wouldn't want to arrest you in that outfit.
If I had, you would have had to stay the night in jail in only your shirt and
those jeans. No jewelry, no shoes. It's cold in jail.
Mrs. Thank you sir for the warning.
Cop2. Now that you've done these field tests, you know what they are.
Try doing them at home and have someone videotape you when you're
sober and again when you're drunk. You'll see how we know.
Mrs. Thank for the advice. I can't say it's been fun, but it's been real.
I'm posting photos of this wonderful experience. Not the actual cop run-in but a dramatization/reenactment I did when we got home. Can you believe it?
#fail
Apr 5, 2008 2:53 PM married life
Current mood:loved
So many people have asked me this week, "how’s married life treating you?" I think it might be a good topic for a blog.
Married life is awesome. Way better than single life. I’m not trying to say that every couple who is dating or cohabitating should go ahead and get married, but for me it has been just right. We were pretty strong as a couple who were dating, then we became "couple number 1" in our department when we got engaged, but now we are like welded together in some kind of super structure that can withstand anything together.
How is it different than living together? Well for starters, you know that nagging thought in the back of your mind that says, "I don’t agree with my boyf/girlf on this issue but we’ll work it out later," and then later never comes. Or you end up breaking up over some little petty thing but the truth is that so many of those points of disagreement that you didn’t want to deal with have added up to tell you that this isn’t the person for you to be with. I think that line of thinking changes to "Wow, I disagree with my husb/wife on this issue so we can either deal with it now or it will come up again so we should probably just talk about it now."
Another way it’s different from just living together is that you feel a newfound freedom. You know that person is going to stand by you "until you are parted by death" (and if you are unsure of that fact you should not be married). So you can go ahead and do whatever your inner heart has always been desiring to do but for whatever reason you were nervous about offending people or intimidiating your boyf/girlf. For me, that involves taking an auto-shop class. I think I’ll enroll in one. It crossed my mind leisurely as I was driving home from school the other day. I never wanted to make my man feel like he didn’t know stuff about cars and I did, but now I know Mike encourages me to do anything I want and he would never be intimidated by me because we are like one person. If either of us learns a new skill, it makes both of us stronger as a team.
Maybe (as my Mom once told me) marriage is different for each couple. Some people get married for legal reasons, some for spiritual reasons, some for financial gain, etc. I think for me, I found my soulmate and I married him.
(exactly 7 days ago at this moment I was running in my wedding dress from the bus I took from the hotel to the ceremony to avoid being late to my own wedding, which I was anyway but only by 2 minutes)
#love
Mar 10, 2008 2:34 PM wedding woes
Current mood:crazy
Help! I feel like I am going crazy. I have never been this scatterbrained in my life.
I feel guilty because the rational part of my mind says I don't need the day to be perfect but some other part of my mind does want it to be perfect. I know it doesn't matter in the end because I will be married to my soulmate but then another part of me says that it does matter because I will never throw another wedding again in my whole life and I want to include everything that is special to me.
I also feel bad because I have been told by everyone to relax and enjoy this time (I even told myself that) but I'm not relaxed and I am definitely not enjoying this. I find myself telling people "When you get married, elope" or "Don't plan a big wedding" or "If you have a big wedding, hire a planner". I wonder how I'll feel when it's all over. Maybe I'll be glad I spent so much time and energy getting everything the exact way I wanted it. Sometimes difficult times seem not quite so bad after they are over.
I wonder if I am a control freak because I am not asking too many people for help. I don't feel like I am, I just feel like some of the people I have asked for help have let me down and now it's the end and I'm doing everything myself. All my bridesmaids live in other states and so does my mom. She is freaking out because she hasn't finished MAKING her dress yet and so she can't even plan the morning-after brunch which she had offered to do. Now I have to do it or else nothing will happen.
I feel like up until this point I have been handling everything pretty well. I've been following the timeline here on theknot and staying calm. Now it's coming down to the end and our budget is strained to the maximum. I have no idea how everything will get paid for and set up and carried out. Mike is wonderful. He has been with me through every decision in the process but he is out of town on business this week and I am completely losing it.
#stress
Jan 30, 2008 10:51 PM yo bitches
Current mood:busy
http://www.paulgraham.com/
If you got ballz you'll go to this dude's page and read like all his blog posts. I stumbled across it by doing a Google search for "what makes a problem interesting" because I am preparing to give a research talk. He had a long blog about hackers that described exactly how I feel about research. Maybe that means I would make a good hacker but I don't think so. If you replace every instance of "hacker" with "researcher" it fit perfectly. Then I started looking at some of this guys other posts and they're pretty amazing. He's an awesome writer and a pretty gnarly thinker too. I'd love to write more but I am still working hard (hardly working?)
#writing #technology
Jan 17, 2008 2:37 PM fashion faux pas again
Current mood:lazy
http://entertainment.msn.com/movies/Undressed?photoidx=1
Do not miss the opportunity to hate celebrities for spending thousands on outfits that look extremely silly.
I'm doing fine in wedding-planning bliss. We got our invitations in the mail and now it's just down to little details.
I love/hate computers. I just got a new laptop and it's awesome/annoying. It's so fast/slow. It's so small, sleek, pretty. But it's still a machine and has limitations. And the machine can only be as smart as the programmer & user so there are definitely things that are not the computer's fault.
Sorry this post is so boring. I'm feeling lame today.
#hate
Dec 27, 2007 1:11 AM Back in PHX
Current mood:confused
Yes, it's true. It was my idea (sort of) to take a trip to Phoenix (Scottsdale) with Mike to celebrate Christmas and Mike's birthday somewhere other than Riverside. Actually, we were thinking of going somewhere along the coast of California but my boss said, "You know my daughter and her boyfriend went to Scottsdale last month and got a hotel for $30 and had a great time. You and Mike should do that." I don't know about you, but when your boss tells you to go on a trip, you do it. I really love my boss, I trust her. When she says to me, "go on a trip...don't come back until January," I listen to her. I feel like she has some kind of supernatural powers and if she thinks I need to be in Phoenix for whatever reason, I go. Now we're here. Our hotel upgraded us from a single queen room to a double queen suite with full sized kitchen and two bathrooms and a living room and it is only $60/night. There is a hot tub that claims to seat 30 but it's larger than some pools I've seen. The actual pool is huge. The hotel allows pets, so we brought Mel with us.
We also brought our bicycles and the hotel is right across from the Indian Bend Wash Greenbelt, a multi-use pathway and park system. Completed in 1999, the greenbelt was constructed as a method of flood control. It runs 7.5 miles, the length of Scottsdale, and is surrounded by high-end apartment complexes, shopping centers, golf courses and resorts. It's really nice because the greenbelt connects four parks: Vista Del Camino, Eldorado, Indian School and Chaparral. It is well-lit at night and feels very safe because there is always lots of traffic on it. I used to ride it to and from Scottsdale community college while I was teaching there and living in Tempe. There's a frisbee golf course and skate park too. I got to see Mike doing some jumps, it was cute. He really is a Californian and I forget that sometimes. While I was building snowmen and making snow angels, he grew up with BMXers, skateboarders and surfers.
It is strange though being back in this town. I have so many memories of how cool it was, and now it doesn't seem cool at all. I was talking on the phone with my grandma on Christmas and when I told her we took a vacation to the Phoenix area she said, "I thought you were done with that city." As soon as she said it, I realized it was true. Unfortunately, I had already booked us until Friday and she told me that on Tuesday. Now it's Wednesday and I'm not sure why we're here. (See paragraph 1)
The good thing is that I have had the chance to see some old friends that were either visiting for the holidays or still live here. These are people that I wanted Mike to meet before I invite them to our wedding. It was actually pretty great because I got to catch up on the gossip while Mike got to see the people that I spent a lot of time with while I lived here. For some reason, I thought it was important to show him all the places I used to go and all the "fun" things I used to do. That turned out to be lame. But the good friends (Mike McKay and Wilton Virgo) I made while I was here remain wonderful.
#love #friends #cycling
Dec 17, 2007 7:44 PM Happy Holiday Hangovers
Wow, after I finished my last (required) classes, I felt absolutely great! I hadn't realized how much those classes were weighing on my mind until I was free of them. Unfortunately, it's the Christmas season and I was invited to a plethora of parties that I felt obligated to attend. Somehow I convinced myself that I had to look fabulous and entertain everyone with my witty commentary, amazing singing and dancing talents, and generally make the room brighter by my luminous personality. This turned out to be a quite exhausting task. Now, I'm looking forward to a quiet Christmas with Mike.
#stress
Oct 18, 2007 7:45 AM Almost Halloween
Current mood:working
Well, a definite chill is in the air out here in CA. I don't mean that I'm relaxed-I feel quite the opposite- I mean that it is starting to get really cold. I had to wear a winter coat while walking my pooch this morning. As for me, I am stressed beyond stressed. Although I know that is nothing new, it's just a bummer. I am actually starting to question my whole reality, which usually leads to a reformation of my reality and a return to the normal routine. The problem is that it's painful while I'm doing the questioning. Things like, "is my research really that important?" and "why am I so out of shape?" and "do I really want to be married to Mike?" and "will I be a good wife/mother or am I just a total selfish bitch?"
I was watching home movies of myself and my sisters circa 1988-1993. I usually watch those while I'm drinking alone and feeling sorry for myself, but this time I watched them with Mike. It was strange because when I watch them alone, it's like I'm reliving those moments through the eyes of myself in the video. Like I'm 10 years old again. But this time I was watching myself through Mike's eyes, here in 2007, and I really saw myself. I saw an older sister who always took herself seriously. I saw my mother in myself, even as a child. I saw a budding scientist, not a cool sexy dancer chick, which is somehow the way I managed to remember my high school days. I saw an early teenager who was not comfortable with the new features of her body and thought her glasses were dorky. There are few photos and no videos of myself during high school and college to prove or disprove this recollection. It was like I drifted out of the family at some point. I wonder if I am comfortable in my body now, I wonder if I look cool and sexy now, I wonder if I take myself too seriously now... because I think there are some fundamental characteristics about people that never change throughout their life and that's what makes each of us individuals.
Mike and I are starting to get back into the wedding planning after a summer devoted totally to being productive in our research. It's scary thinking about this massive ceremony/party we're planning. It's one thing to dream it up, but another thing to actually get it to happen. Mike has planned many parties over the years so I don't think he's as worried as I am. I always want it to be FUN and I want all the guests not to feel like they are wasting their time by attending. I want everyone to feel special and enjoy themselves. How can this be achieved? All I do know is that Mike is a wonderful man and he has bent over backwards for me hundreds of times already, he is so considerate and concerned with my feelings and mental well-being, he is totally in support of my career as a scientist, he is even starting to love my dog. I am so glad we met and I am so lucky to be getting a husband like him.
#film
Sep 6, 2007 8:27 AM AIL (acronyms I love)
Current mood:giggly
GIGO (garbage in, garbage out): I was looking up some computer statistical stuff and I came across this one and wondered it's history. There's a cute description on wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garbage_In,_Garbage_Out
Then at the bottom of that page, there are links to a few other choice acronyms which made me LOL (laugh out loud):
SNAFU (situation normal, all fucked up): I never knew exactly that this was an acronym, I had just heard people say "oh well, I guess he planned it and it turned into a snafu," which means that an otherwise normal situation suddenly went wrong. It is believed to have originated in the US Army during WWII.
FUBAR (fucked up beyond any recognition): I knew this was an acronym but I didn't realize it also came out of the US Army as well.
TARFU (things are really fucked up): A situation worse than SNAFU but not quite FUBAR. Ha ha.
I can't help myself, I am actually laughing right now. Something about bad situations (and really bad situations) just makes me laugh, because when it's FUBAR there's nothing you can do about it.
I guess there was a set of educational WWII cartoons made about Private Snafu, Seaman Tarfu and their brother Fubar (who apparently couldn't even get into any branch of the service). I would love to watch those as they are said to have been made during the golden age of Warner Bros. animation with contributions from writer Theodor "Dr. Seuss" Geisel and voice of Bugs Bunny Mel Blanc.
#art #film #toungeincheek
Aug 10, 2007 6:32 PM
emails that make me upset
Current mood:angry
There is an email circulating right now with 14 reasons why illegal aliens cost the US government $338 Billion per year. It made me positively sick.
These statistics sound convincing in a purely "Wow the dollar signs really rack up" kind of way, but I don't see any email circulating about the hundreds of billions of dollars being spent on defense right now to fight many countries we don't even share borders with. At least Mexican (and other south/central American) immigrants want to be a part of "the American dream" rather than blowing up the symbols of American commerce (the world trade centers which were ostensibly destroyed by terrorists from the middle East). Mexican immigrants bring their values with them, which can include stable family relationships and good work ethic. There are plenty of American citizens who were born here (of all colors and religious beliefs) who have no ambition, live off welfare, make babies out of marriage creating broken homes, and who do not contribute anything meaningful to American society.
I don't know what to say about the war we're in right now. I do think that it's likely that we're spending a much much greater sum of money on defense projects right now than we are spending supporting "illegal aliens." I kind of understand that America has to keep track of certain volatile parts of the world, but I imagine that Bush and his neoconservative friends are funneling every unaccounted dollar of the US economy into their own pockets (because they are all major shareholders in defense corporations). I try to think about these sad possibilities as little as possible. It actually brightens my day to think that somebody from another country would WANT to come to the US considering what kind of wack-o we have elected president. With the ridiculous and lengthy (not to mention prohibitively expensive) process the US government has set-up to issue visas, work permits, and eventually citizenship to people who WANT to come to the US, it is a miracle that anyone visits this country LEGALLY.
P.S. I might be experiencing PMS and all this stuff won't bother me tomorrow...
#stress
Aug 1, 2007 1:10 AM a midsummer nights dream
Current mood:contemplative
So, for most students and teachers the summer is drawing to a close. But for us on the wonderful UC quarter system, our classes ended in early-June and do not start up again until late-September, which would make the middle of the summer right about now.
Most of my time recently has been devoted to working. If you care about what I actually do in the lab, read on. If not, skip to paragraph 4. Our collaborators in plant biology got a strain of rice that was found to be tolerant to up to two weeks of complete submergence (which happens to farmers in flood situations). The submergence-tolerant strain was created through traditional breeding, but its genome was sequenced and compared to other non-submergence tolerant strains. The gene which was found to be responsible for submergence tolerance was isolated, named Sub1, and added by genetic engineering into the genome of a normally non-submergence tolerant rice strain, whereupon it became tolerant. Now, the plant biologists aren't sure how exactly the gene works. We (analytial chemists) are studying the metabolism of the submergence-tolerant strain versus the non-submergence tolerant strain in normal conditions and in flooded conditions to try to assist in determining what exactly makes the tolerant rice survive underwater. Our approach is called metabonomics because we aim to look at the entire set of metabolites present in the organism at one instant. The Sub1 gene encodes a bunch of stuff, one of which have been determined to be like a known ethylene response factor. Ethylene is the gas that causes fruit to ripen, and is a known plant hormone. The biologists so far think that the submergence-tolerant plants are less responsive to ethylene and they have found that the submergence tolerant rice utilizes its stores of sugar more slowly than a non-submergence tolerant strain. We hope to support that and possibly find something new.
My other long-term project, which I just wrote a proposal for, involves chemical genomics. Chemical genomics is a new field where the biological pathways in an organism (such as chlorophyll biosynthesis) are studied by the application of a chemical to block a specific pathway or enhance it instead of needing to genetically engineer a bunch of mutants which have certain pathways blocked or enhanced. UCR has purchased a set of 10,000 chemicals that have unknown activities and it is thought that some of them may be useful as chemical genomic agents. We're going to try to write a proposal for further funding to a federal agency besides the National Science Foundation (NSF) like the US Department of Agriculture (USDA), claiming that we may be able to classify the herbicidal mode of action of (a subset of) these 10,000 chemicals using our metabolomics approach by comparing the metabolic response of a model plant (Arabidopsis thaliana) to a bunch of known herbicides.
Besides school stuff I have been doing a lot of thinking. I've been thinking about the past and how I have come to be where I am now. I suppose birthdays cause this type of re-evaluation. A butterfly landed on my foot this morning when I was walking my dog. I found a spider guarding her clutch of eggs on the kale I bought at the farmer's market this weekend. I get a warm feeling every time I see a sunrise or sunset. I guess what I am trying to say is that I've been working pretty hard and not enjoying nature as much as I could. I get up around 8:00am every day and go to bed around 12:00midnight and spend almost all day every day in the lab or at home reading papers or Science or Nature. Sometimes we go down to the beach and read. Sometimes we have people over for dinner and end up chatting all night. But I really haven't been exercising as much as I could, or enjoying cooking elaborate/healthy meals (except for fabulous/fattening breakfasts on Sat/Sun), or taking walks/hikes to enjoy the beauty of the natural world. Maybe it's because the temps here are in triple digits and you have to sit in traffic for hours to escape to the beach/mountains...
I heard on the radio that the presidential primary elections will be in February 2008 in CA and I started to panic because I haven't been keeping up with the candidates. Maybe it's because I watched the movie "I heart huckabees" again the other day and it remided me of the 2004 presidential election and what a shock that was. Maybe it's because I don't see any clear frontrunner that I would trust to run the country. I mean what does a president actually do? Does he have so much decision-making power?
According to http://content.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=4683
1. As chief of state (s)he is supposed to be an inspiring leader for the people who stands for the highest ideals of the country
2. As chief executive (s)he is the "boss" of all federal employees. This means (s)he gets to be in-the-know regarding FBI and CIA activities and gets to exert influence over regulatory agencies such as the EPA and FDA
3. As chief diplomat (s)he is supposed to decide what the respective diplomats will say to the countries they are in charge of engaging with
4. As commander-in-chief (s)he can push forward with wars
5. As chief legislator (s)he can propose legislation to congress and veto bills they pass
6. As chief-of-their-party (s)he can try to influence voters and in this way influence which senators and representatives get elected
7. As chief economist (s)he is supposed to try to improve the general prosperity of the country
Interestingly, there was nothing in that particular article about how the president can be involved in the judicial branch of government by appointing federal judges or granting pardons and reprieves in criminal cases, but that is another role of the president. Also, presidents have the budgetary authority to spend substantial sums of money without public knowledge to support defense research, such as was done during the Manhattan Project.
It's actually scary to think of all the times President Bush and his whole entourage made decisions that I would consider totally opposite of my personal opinion regarding the direction I think America should be going. I wonder if I didn't fight hard enough against his re-election and what legacy will be left behind by his administration. And more scary than that, who will be able to follow him? If they are also Republican, how could the situatuon get any worse? If the are Democratic, it will take that president their entire first term to recover from where we are now and they will have no chance of re-election. Considering only 15 out of 41 presidents have been re-elected in the past, I don't think it will be easy, even if a candidate were sparkling with high approval ratings right now. But the problem is that none of them are.
Wow, now that I've been thinking about politics for the past hour, I'm completely frightened and I am ready to turn back to science. Although scientists from different disciplines may have different ways of approaching problems, at least most of them are willing to look at a set of data and can be convinced of a result provided that the evidence is strong enough. Sometimes this is exhausting to the researcher because you have to design your experiments in a way to generate convincing data, but at least it isn't as difficult as arguing with a religious fundamentalist who cannot be convinced regardless of what evidence they are presented with.
#education #career #science #policy
Jun 9, 2007 2:00 PM One final exam down, one more to go
Current mood:relieved
Well, I am sitting here soaking in monoi oil getting ready to go to a co-worker's pool party. I'm not sure the world is ready for my body, but I am preparing my body to face the world. I finished my boss's final exam (I am taking a class from her right now) and now I just have one on Monday morning and then the blissful busy summer can begin. I have so many deadlines looming there but they somehow seem less stressful because at least it is a problem I am very interested in investigating (instead of physical chemistry homework problems which involve partial differentials and differential equations and integrals and secular determinants and other shit that I really would rather avoid dealing with.) Also, I am sitting here eating cherries instead of candy because I'm trying the same detox plan I tried last summer (no bread, no meat except seafood, no caffeine, no alcohol, focus on fruits, veggies and rice). Well, it's been a week and it's going alright but I haven't totally kicked the caffeine. I'm still on two bags of green tea per day but that's considerably better than 4 cups of coffee and 32 oz of diet coke.
I was thinking today about my 10 year high school class reunion. I wonder if I will be able to attend since it will probably be during homecoming (fall quarter) and I still have to take classes during that time. Is it really important for me anyway? I guess I'll have to think about that...
Mom & dad's visit was awesome. I don't know what I can say about it except it went by really fast and I was pretty much on the edge of a breakdown the whole time and then it was over. I hope it served its purpose and I look forward to spending some time with the family that isn't completely packed with other obligations. Well, that's all for now... ciao!
#love #education #family
May 22, 2007 6:34 PM why do I only update this when I should really be studying?
Current mood:anxious
Well, the countdown to the wedding is 311 days. I think that's plenty of time. Mother + Mother-in-law do not seem to think that's plenty of time. Mother + Mother-in-law want to discuss every little detail at moments when I have already used up all my patience doing research in the lab or working out P-chem homework problems. Luckily Fiancee is completely relaxed and well-practiced at diffusing these situations. That's why I am marrying him (among other things).
The engagement party is going to be beautiful and Mom & Dad's visit (in a week) is going to be totally awesome. I am going to probably be on the verge of a nervous breakdown and will need resuscitation after a monster panic attack. But I actually think it will be OK.
In terms of me, since I haven't written about me lately, I am OK. I am not taking as good care of my health as I have in the past. I am trying to dance, run, hike and eat healthy food, but instead I am sitting in front of the computer trying to make sense of my data and sitting reading textbooks and journal articles. I don't watch any TV but I am still sitting most of the day. I tried to start riding my bike again but I stay at school so late that I end up stuck here without a car and I forget my headlight or reflective gear and I just don't want to risk getting hit by a car. So I call up Mike and he picks me up. I went to a hip-hop dance class last week at this time and it was fun but I forgot about it today until it had already started (damn). Also I was going running with Mike but we've both been totally busy lately and when he wants to go I am busy and when I want to go he's busy, so we've been missing each other in our motivational cycles and we end up destructively interfereing. Ha ha.
I'm learning a lot right now, reading and writing. Soon I get to travel a bit. Mike and I are planning a trip to northern Cali around my b-day (July 6th) to visit the wine country up there and see his grandmother and see my family (Anne, Scott, Josef). In August, I am going to a meeting in Boston, MA and a meeting in Chamoix, France. The meeting in Boston is so my boss can accept an award, and the meeting in France is my boss' present to me for working so hard. She always says, "I don't like those bags under your eyes." But really I think she appreciates that I am totally devoted to my research.
It will be a miracle if I get good grades in my classes this quarter, though. And I so wish I was done taking classes after this year but I definitely have two more required courses (Plant Cell Biology and Chemical Genomics Design Studio). My boss told me yesterday that the first year chemistry students' files will go under review soon. She told me that I better take and pass the next cume which is during my parent's visit. I was planning on taking it but I kinda forgot it was while they were here.
Graduate school is so fun... it's a barrel of laughs. All we do is sit around and study, right? You may think this is easy, but if you are a devoted student and want to understand everything about everything (like I do) it seems like quite an overwhelming task. The quote I read to myself daily is "It would be naive to think we will understand what nature has learned over billions of years." This quote is basically saying that people who work in the field of systems biology (genomics, proteomics, metabolomics, etc.) must understand what a huge undertaking the project is. Yet I still struggle with it every day. Like Mike says, you just have to chip away at it and don't get too stressed when it seems like you don't make any progress in a whole day. At least you may have learned something.
Well, I better sign off before I ramble on longer. I still haven't settled on a wedding dress. Any suggestions?
#writing #travel #education #gradschool
May 8, 2007 2:19 PM Midterms are so fun... NOT.
Current mood:nerdy
Studying for midterms... Blah.
Making fun of celebrities... Awesome!
http://movies.msn.com/movies/Undressed
Oh yeah, and I am getting ready for my parents to visit me. My future mother-in-law has offered to hostess an engagement party at her house on Friday night, so I took her up. I just hope everything goes smoothly.
#hate #gradschool #family #love
Mar 22, 2007 12:26 AM Finals week
Current mood:working
Well, I should be studying and I have and will be studying, but I had to put something up today. I am missing my family and close friends right now. I just want to gather them up in one big hug and squeeze them. I want to put them in a huge easter basket with pink and green plastic grass and a chocolate bunny and carry them to the end of a rainbow. Ok that is weird, but it's true.
Random thoughts in my head: "Experiment with a chemist" t-shirt, Want it.
"Solving important biological questions through integrative graduate research at the interface of chemistry, biology, and computer science" describes my research project and will determine the course of my work for the next several years. Mikey is thinking of taking a post-doc position at a research institution developing new MRI technology to study metabolism and he wants to involve myself and his father (a physician) in a collaboration.
"Deep tissue massage can solve multiple health problems" (Thank you Bodycentre Wellness Day Spa, Riverside, CA) I went in on Tuesday and I'm going again next Tuesday to finish working out a few knots that had been building up all quarter.
BTW, the music below is a guy we heard in the bar next to our hotel during our trip to Arlington, VA. He was such a nice guy we told him to book some tour dates out here in SoCal.
#love #science #health #travel
Mar 1, 2007 10:53 AM cake anyone?
Current mood:content
We are tentatively planning our wedding for the second weekend of spring break 2008 (March 29, 2008). It's absolutely crazy to think that I'm engaged. I have had several serious boyfriends (3+ years) and I never felt the way I feel right now. Mike gives me such stability, he thinks long-term and even when we disagree he always says that it's just one bump in our long road together. He says I would make such a good mother and I never thought about having children before, but now it seems only natural.
School is going. It's so easy to get stressed out as a graduate student. There are so many things to manage and prioritizing is key. I am learning so much.
Cali is so wonderful. The rains have come and that means everything will be turning green and the air quality is fabolous. There is snow on the mountain peaks which is totally picturesque. I admit I am getting a bit of spring fever. Whenever it's March, I think of the saying "in like a lion, out like a lamb" and I remember that must only apply to areas of the country where there are actual weather patterns. I should look to see what happens today in Nebraska since I will be there for the end of the month in case it turns out to be "in like a lamb, out like a lion."
I had a dream that I went to Canada to visit my friend Cheri. It was cool. We rode public transportation that was like this crazy ski lift thing except it was really fast. And we were wearing ice skates so at one stop we got off and immediately started ice skating around this pond that resembeled central park mall in Omaha. Except it was Canada so the buildings were older and not made out of poured concrete. I miss her.
My other good friend Shannon Mykel recently lost her father in a plane crash. Just picking out a sympathy card entitled "For the loss of your father" put a heavy weight on my chest. I can't imagine losing a parent. Especially at this time when we aren't married with children yet. I'm sure it's wonderful going through those experiences with parents. She was supposed to come out and visit sometime during the month of February but we never coordinated our schedules and now I don't even know what she's doing. I'm calling her right now.
I had a dream two nights ago about my other good friend Maggie. I dreamt that Mike and I went to Colorado to hang out with her and her husband Matthew and her baby. In my dream her kid was an infant, like premature infant small, but I know he must be much bigger now. I just can't remember his birthday to see how old he would be by now. I remember when she got together with Matthew and I could see the peace of mind that their relationship brought to her. I was so happy for her. Now I have found something like that and I miss her. I want to share it with her.
None of these people (Cheri, Mykel, Maggie) are on MySpace, but I'm sure we all have people in our past that mean a lot to us.
#family #love #mountains #travel
Feb 15, 2007 2:12 PM combinatorial chemistry and chemical genomics
Current mood:annoyed
Comments from my graduate organic chemistry professor on my homework assignments:
anything else?
this calculation is for the second step, not the first, as asked
the question asked about screening on support or solution, not synthesis
the ability to conduct a google search does not confer the ability to understand what you find. in this case, your reference is not relevant
you are confused. while all syntheses iterate certain steps, iterative deconvolution refers ot iteration of synthesis and testing
not right
would not do this reaction
no such thing
OK-very complete
so what is next, exactly?
Ok, these might be useful, but for which steps? I guess not having the exact sequence of steps is a hinderance
1. you don't buy the compound with a carbon-13 label
2. if you had it, it would NOT give the products shown
MAS carbon-13 NMR <--- no such thing
remember, this is one bead one compound- can you get NMR on one bead? rarely if ever.
your organic nomenclature is spotty
your reaction chemistry is weak
absolutely not-unintelligible
Graduate school is such a wonderful experience. It feels so good to spend 20 hours on a homework assignment that is based on material we are scheduled to discuss after the assignment is due, and get back comments like this. Mind you, I can handle a bad grade. I can handle a big "X" across my work, but these little jabs are almost too much.
#gradschool #pain #education
Feb 2, 2007 1:33 AM Movie Awards Season
Current mood:content
With the movie awards season means celebrity fashion faux pas galore! I love it. See:http://movies.msn.com/celebs/gallery.aspx?gallery=14025&photo=773319#photos
I've been so busy with school that I haven't posted anything in a long time, but I don't think it matters since nobody reads this. But, the reason I write it is because I read my own blog as it's the only journal I keep.
Not to brag, but I am in love and I'm also engaged. It seems to make so much sense now. All those rants I went on about marriage and how it's not necessary and how I don't want kids and that true love is bullshit... and now here I am buying into all of it. I finally found somebody who I can trust and relax and be myself with. I have so much confidence that no matter what comes our way, we will just deal with it together. Crazy, huh?
#hate #film #love #LivinginLA
Oct 16, 2006 6:00 PM Astrology - Zodiac Sun Signs
I never really paid attention to horoscopes before, but this summer I went to Bulgaria and everyone was always asking my sign. Then they'd say "Oh... I see," like that explained everything about me. It was bizarre. Then I met someone who was the same sign as me (which I think I had never been aware of before) in Bulgaria and we recognized some common traits in each other. It was especially strange because I spent a week or so with this woman who didn't speak much English and I didn't speak much Bulgarian, but it was like we had an immediate connection because of our similar temperaments. Then I started paying attention to people's sun signs and I have recently met several people who totally fit the characteristics listed for their signs. So I did some research and I thought I'd just post it up here.
Aside from my new foray into astrology, things here are getting ridiculous. I'm not sure how I'm going to get out of this vortex of crazyness I have recently entered. It's spiraling out of control for sure. Drinking, dancing, running, working, studying, drinking, partying, hooking up, drinking, wandering around town on foot... This pace cannot be sustained. I'm not sure what's behind it but I like to call it "reckless singleness." I just hope it doesn't have any lasting consequences and it passes before long.
Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. Those of us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but watchful composure of Scorpio. They sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them. Brooding resentment, aggressive and sadistic brutality, total arrogance, morbid jealousy, extreme volatility of temperament, these are some of their vices. Their inner intensity can result in the concentration of the research scientist. Any profession in which analysis, investigation, research, dealing with practicalities, and the solving of mysteries are relevant, can appeal to them. Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate lovers, the most sensually energetic of all the signs. For them, union with the beloved is a sacrament, an "outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace." Their overriding urge in loving is to use their power to penetrate beyond themselves and to lose themselves sexually in their partners in an almost mystical ecstasy, thus discovering the meaning of that union which is greater than individuality, and is a marriage of the spirit as well as of flesh.
Cancer is very sensitive, sympathetic and emotional, with moods that shift and change like the tides. Though a Cancer may hide behind a shell of equanimity or indifference, they are really very easily hurt and take almost everything personally. They have deep feelings for, and sentimental attachments to, the past, home and family, or anything or anyone they once had a close affiliation with school, home town, friends, etc. A Cancer needs to be needed, and desires a very close, secure, loving and protective relationship. For Cancers, there is a time to socialize and a time to be solitary, and this is part of the apparent contradiction in their nature. They are appreciative of art and literature, and especially of drama, where the spectacle and ebb and flow of action and feeling particularly excite them. In their personal relationships they are mentally a mixture of toughness and softness, often emotional and romantic to the point of sentimentality in their fantasies; but in real life and in marriage, their loving is not so sentimental but tenaciously loyal. Cancers love unreservedly, giving much and asking little in return - in fact, one of the most important lessons they have to learn is how to receive gracefully. They are too easily influenced by those they love and admire, and swayed by the emotion of the moment. The Cancerian has many potential faults. They can be untidy, sulky, devious, moody, inclined to self-pity.
CANCER with SCORPIO Both of you have strong, deep feelings and you bond very intensely. Consequently you become very attached to each other and cling tightly to each other. However, your emotional natures are different in many ways too. Cancer often feels more compassion and sympathy for someone, while Scorpio may view Cancer's feelings as sentimentality. When wounded, Scorpio becomes resentful and vindictive. Cancer, on the other hand, cries or sulks, and usually lets the other person know verbally or nonverbally about it. Scorpio, by contrast, hides it. You may also have different attitudes towards sexuality versus love. For example, Cancer may feel that Scorpio is sometimes more driven by instinct and lust than by love, and this may become an issue in your relationship. Overall, though, the intense bonding and emotionality of your relationship fosters a deep, lasting attachment between you.
http://www.astrology-online.com/
http://www.skyviewzone.com/lovematch/
#love
Oct 5, 2006 9:24 AM Love (agape, philia, storge, eros)
Current mood:loved
Agape involves general affection or concern (for a good meal, for an activity, for one's children, for one's spouse) and contentment.
Philia involves friendship (for family, friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers) based on loyalty, requiring virtue, equality and familiarity. It must be mutual. See also brotherhood.
Storge involves natural affection (exclusively for family) as in parent to child.
Eros involves passionate love with sensual desire and longing (for a person). With contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or an appreciation of beauty itself. Plato said that it helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty and contributes to the understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros. Eros is also thought of as the life instinct innate in all humans, to create life and favor productivity and construction, which battles against the destructive death instinct.
What a great idea. I mean those Greek philosophers really figured some shit out. Just reading about Eros and what it means makes me smile. I mean agape is nice, philia is good, storge is second-nature to us, but Eros is like transcending. It is a life-force. It brings you into contact with universal truths. Amazing. If you have experienced eros lately, holla back.
#love
Sep 19, 2006 4:12 PM V is for virus
Current mood:amused
Yo I just had the worst virus ever!! I was out of comission for 5 days without being able to eat or walk around. I had a fever and chills and sweats and all that crap. It was nuts. But I survived thanks to a layer of fat that I always said would come in handy if some epidemic started. I knew I could not eat anything for like 4 weeks and live off those "stores of energy" and all the skinny bitches would be dead. Then when it was all over I'd be a total babe because I'd be like 40 lbs lighter and still alive. I'd be like the hottest chick left on earth! Well I only lost 10 pounds and I am not the last chick on earth but I am still hot. And alive.
#science
Sep 7, 2006 9:23 AM What the hell am I doing?
Things here are crazy. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. So to distract myself I keep going out and drinking and flirting with random guys which works as a pretty good distraction, but it can't last. Plus the hangovers suck.
I can't believe it. I don't remember getting over somebody being this painful. My last guy and I didn't cheat on each other, didn't make any kids or anything, but we were just always there for each other and then we started fighting alot. Maybe because of stress or maybe because we had high expectations of each other and we decided to go our separate ways. But it's pretty painful to be without the person you lived with and depended on for three years even though we parted on pretty good terms.
School is going fine but I just have to stay calm and keep at it. I have a tendency to obsess and worry, then go out and drink and party to release the stress. Yeah, that detox program that I mentioned is going alright. I kicked the caffeine but not the alcohol. I have significantly reduced the amount of meat, instead eating tofu and seafood. I gave up bread and most refined carbs. I don't feel much healthier, just more exhausted because I can't get a caffeine buzz or sugar high to get me through the days.
#pain #career #gradschool #love #stress
Aug 27, 2006 12:23 AM Invalid Subject line, you cannot leave the subject blank.
Wow. It's a nice Sunday morning. I'm sitting on my balcony (stealing one of my neighbor's wireless signals). Things are going fine. I've been playing Ultimate Frisbee every Tuesday, going to the Farmer's market downtown on Wednesday, getting drunk on Friday (mainly on principal) and going hiking or to the beach on the weekends.
The boy situation has been a bit resolved. I told him the wishy-washy stuff was too painful and I am now considering myself single. But this brought on a whole new set of things to think about. Since when have I been able to remain "single" for more than a couple months? I have a tendency to move from guy to guy and if I don't have a guy I am pretty miserable. Just ask my roommate in college how I was acting for those 6 months I tried to live without a boyfriend. Most miserable time of my life. I'm sure it didn't help that I was surrounded by religious fundamentalist honors students who flirted in that disgusting way that virgins flirt without knowing even what sex is. (and if you have witnessed this phenomenon, let me know)
Basically I am trying to stay busy but I have already arranged and rearranged my furniture, repotted all my plants, cleaned my apartment, washed the dishes, went for a hike, cooked the food I am going to be eating this week, and now I am bored. Without a boy to obsess about or spend time with I am just bored.
I'm going to try a detox program with a coworker this week. We can eat any fruit or vegetable and brown rice and seafood but no meat, no caffiene, no sugar, no alcohol. I mean I'm already bored, it can only get worse if I can't drink coffee or vodka or wine. But I think it will probably be good for my body because I have lately been drinking quite a lot of coffee and wine. I live alone now and one of my favorite "secret single behaviors" is renting a bad chick flick and getting some nice cheese and wine or chocolate and wine and eating/drinking it while watching this bad movie. Well, I guess it will have to wait until after the detox program.
I love how you can select the category for this post -- "life." Isn't that what all my posts are about. Oh yeah, one more thing... I used to have a license plate that said "719 KTV" which in my mind stood for Kayla TeleVision because it was my show all the time. My life, my channel, it's all about me, right? Well now my plate says "VEF 105" which I think stands for Very Educated Female but I am open to suggestions.
#food #love #pain
Aug 7, 2006 9:18 AM Unemployed no more
And so I have been a "researcher" for a week now. I am enjoying myself here in Cali. We have great weather, I ride my bicycle to work every weekday, I went to the beach all day yesterday, my dog loves sitting on my balcony and bird-watching, I went hiking on Saturday. So why am I freaking out?
I think it's because I'm one of those types that is always worrying about the next thing. Then by the time a challenge comes I have already dealt with every worst-case scenario and I can deal with whatever outcome occurs. Now I am worrying about my boy situation. I have had a "roommate" (read: boyfriend, partner, lover, best friend with benefits) for two years who is totally hot, totally interesting, totally intelligent, but he isn't sure whether he wants to stay with me or not. It's killing me because I don't want to make a mistake by walking away from him but if we've been together for three years and he still isn't sure, doesn't that mean it isn't worth trying to save? Boys out there-- holla' if you have any advice. Girls out there-- holla' if your man is hot and/or great in bed.
Besides that, work is going great. I am in a research group made up of great people, headed by a great person. I have a small project for the summer that is publishable. I have met quite a few other graduate students and I look forward to getting to know them better. I am trying to be as open as possible to making new friends (see my last posting).
#gradschool #career #LivinginLA
Jul 18, 2006 3:54 PM Public Libraries Rule!
Current mood:contemplative
Well, this is a testament to how reliant I am on computers. I don't have internet at home and I haven't registered at my new school yet, so I had to find the public library and log on as a visitor until I get a piece of mail delivered to my new address. I have officially moved to Riverside and I have about 2 weeks until I start working as a researcher (August 1st) before the actual academic semester begins (September 26th).
In the process of unpacking, I was going through old photos which is kind of uplifting and depressing at the same time. You get to remember all those good times you had. Also, you think about all the friends you have grown away from over time. In my old age (ha, ha) I am getting more intolerant of character flaws. I used to be pretty willing to befriend anybody who was interested in befriending me and now I look for a particular type of person to spend my time with. I used to feel that exposing myself to different types of people would be sure to expand my horizons and keep my mind open to new perspectives. I used to think that being exposed to different points of view would help me understand my own point of view better. I used to think that once I started excluding people and becoming very set in my opinions that I would be an adult (and I think I came to that conclusion after observing the behaviors of adults and adolescents around me). Well, now I have arrived at that point in my life where I am pretty set in my ways of viewing the world and making judgements of people and I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. The moment somebody new starts talking in a direction I don't really appreciate (for example in support of organized religion or conservative politics) I shut them out. I don't even bother discussing things with them or asking them why they chose that position (which I think I used to do).
#gradschool #career #LivinginLA
Jul 8, 2006 1:25 PM Black Sea Dreams
Current mood:refreshed
Well peeps, believe it or not I just got back from Bulgaria. I stayed there for a couple weeks vacationing with some native Bulgarians, so we got discount hook-ups everywhere we went. If any native Eastern European person invites you on a vacation to their country of origin, do it!!! Also, make an attempt at the language because it will help get you more discounts. I'd love to write all about it but I'm kind of freaking out right now because it's already time to get back to the daily stress. I didn't check my email the entire time I was gone, not because Bulgiara doesn't have internet (actually they have internet cafes all over the place) but I didn't want any stress during my vacation. I just had to sift through 80 emails about my impending move to California and beginning of another graduate program at UC-Riverside. Don't get me wrong, I decided to go back to school, but I enjoy travelling and being on vacation so much that I started to doubt if I have the dedication to finish a PhD in Chemistry. Holla if any of you out there are pursing a PhD in any field and you understand the tedium and bullshitting-skills and dedication to the complete understanding of one minute fraction of your field of choice that completing a PhD involves.
#travel #education #gradschool
May 1, 2006 8:14 PM Gas prices (I put this as a bulletin also)
Current mood:pissed off
I was listening to NPR this morning (the Dianne Rehm show)
http://www.wamu.org/programs/dr/06/05/01.php#10255
regarding the politics of gas prices.
Before I started listening to it, but after I heard the what the topic was going to be, I thought to myself "gee, I am getting sick of hearing about this issue. What could they possibly say that would be interesting since I have heard about this alot lately."
But then I started listening to it and I got pretty upset...
So, I wanted to take a poll to see what people think should be done about the gas prices. The options proposed by the radio show guests seemed to fall into a pattern:
1a. The government should impose regulations on the automobile manufacturers, requiring that the fuel economy of vehicles should be at some minimum level.
1b. The market can determine what consumers want. If they want more fuel efficient vehicles, that is where they will put their money and the auto manufacturers will respond accordingly.
2a. The government should impose a high fuel tax to force people to consume less fuel and take alternate means of transportation to reduce our dependence on fuel.
2b. Consumers should be able to choose to spend money on fuel. If they want to drive their cars, they should be allowed the choice based on the market price of gas.
3a. The government should regulate oil companies. There should be fewer tax breaks for oil companies and they should be required to adhere to all state environmental standards.
3b. The oil companies should be free to explore wherever they want to find more foreign and domestic sources of oil. The environmental standards (additives to decrease harmful emissions) should be removed to keep the price of gas low.
If you agree with "a" for all (or some) of these points, let me know. If you agree with "b" for all (or some) of these points, let me know. If you don't want to be forced to consider such issues, let me know.
Do you think the "government knows best" and should be making decisions for its citizens on their behalf? (Although even I don't know if I'd trust a government who has fired all of its scientific advisors and replaced them with religious nuts) Do you think the "market knows best" and the power of the almighty dollar will decide things? Are you just waiting to see what happens because you don't want to think much?
P.S. I just found out that one of my students drives a HUMMER and she was complaining about gas prices and how some people park too close to her and she can't get out of parking spaces. The H1 gets 16 mpg, the H2 gets 9.6 mpg. Fuel economy regulations do not apply to them because they are classified as heavy-duty vehicles (8,500 lb). My honda civic weighs 2500 lb and got 38 mpg on my last tank.
#education #hate #green #sustainability
Apr 25, 2006 11:34 AM The Oracle of Starbucks
Current mood:amused
Try it: http://www.buttafly.com/starbucks/index.php
Behold the Oracle's wisdom:
Personality type: Hippie
In addition to being a hippie, you are a hypochondriac health nut. You secretly think that your insistence on only consuming all-natural products is because you're so intelligent and well-informed; it's actually because you're a sucker. You've dabbled in Wicca or other pseudo-religions that attract morons and have changed your sexual orientation a few times this year. You probably live in California. Everyone who drinks Venti Soy Latte should be forced to eat a McDonald's bacon cheeseburger.
Also drinks: Beverages with lots of marketing that says they're herbal and organic
Can also be found at: Whole Foods, indoor rock climbing facilities
It's not all right, but it ain't all wrong either. I do drink other herbal/organic beverages, I do shop at whole foods, I have been hanging out with a lesbian lately which has caused me to call my sexuality into question, I do think I am intelligent and well-informed, I have been frequenting an indoor rock climbing facility, and I am moving to California in less than 2 months!
#health #food
Apr 24, 2006 3:42 PM Guilty pleasures
Current mood:good
I can't help myself sometimes. I know its silly but I love passing the time doing mindless activities from time to time. And not only mindless but downright superficial and sometimes mean-spirited.
First confession: I love the photos of celebrities wearing horrible outfits where the "style experts" break down what they're wearing. If you do too, check out http://movies.msn.com/celebs/gallery.aspx?gallery=11712
MSN has a bunch of celebrity photo galleries, but the ones where they discuss fashion faux pas are the best!
Second confession: I love the TV show "America's Next Top Model." That show is so great. http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model6/ These girls from all over the country (with little to no modeling experience) are put in a modeling boot-camp and drama ensues. If you've seen it, you have to read Janice Dickenson's autobiography "No Lifeguard on Duty," which made me really love that crazy bitch.
I was actually in a good mood today (compared with my other posts so far) so I thought I'd put a few silly things up here to balance out my karma.
#hate #love #film
Apr 14, 2006 11:51 PM 9/11 Conspiracy Theory
Current mood:sick
Go to this website and download the movie clips about the movie "Loose Change 2E." http://www.question911.com/links.php
It is a documentary directed by a college age kid with a hip-hop soundtrack that points out some very glaring discrepencies between what was released to the public through the media about the 9/11 attacks and what must have actually taken place based on video of the events and evidence from the wreckage.
If you do see it, let me know. It's great.
#film #music
Apr 11, 2006 11:35 AM What I've been up to since High School
Current mood:nostalgic
Things here have been up and down since I left Omaha. North high was such a great place to be comin' from (I don't know if you agree with me, but somehow I think during the time we were there, North was the best school in the Omaha metro as far as the programs and funding and good teachers and the diverse mix of students.)
After that I went to the middle of Nebraska (Kearney) and I ended up studying chemistry of all things. I went to college with an open mind and a love of dancing, art and writing and ended up a hard-core scientist. But something about imagining things at the atomic-scale is still really interesting to me.
Well, after Kearney I knew I had to get out of the midwest so I went to Phoenix to go to ASU for my PhD. That didn't work out exactly as I planned because graduate school in chemistry is no joke. There is apparrently no room for partying, dancing, having fun, being social and being pretty. So I left there with a Master's degree and I have been teaching at the community college (which I totally love) for the past year.
The great thing about the community college is that it brings rich, middle class, lower class people together. There's old and young and in between aged people. There's brown people, yellow people, white people, red people. They are mostly trying to better themselves and they somehow missed the boat on the "real" college experience. Maybe they had babies at 16 years old, maybe they were partying too hard (you know drugs and stuff) when they were 19, maybe they thought they weren't cut out for school but after divorcing their spouses of 20 years they feel ready for a change, maybe they can't afford to go to the university, maybe they're still in high school and trying to get ahead of the game a little. It's such a great place.
And I'm teaching introduction to chemistry. It's like the only science class that many of the students will have in college (and most didn't pay attention in high school or avoided taking it then). I get to show them how to problem-solve and how to think about the world around them in a scientific way and how some things work because of chemistry. It's really neat and I have fun with it.
For some crazy reason, I'm going to start school again in the fall at U of CA-Riverside. I know a nice lady there who I can do research for that won't judge me for being sociable and pretty and will let me do good work. I'm going to be doing some interdiciplinary work with the plant biology department in the field of genomics.
Anyways, I'm not sure if anybody cares about all this but that's what North High prepared me for. Go Vikes!
#education #science #gradschool
Apr 9, 2006 12:50 AM Diane Rehm Show, Friday April 7th
Current mood:optimistic
The show discussed the "leaking" of information from the White House. A democratic congressman from Hawaii, Neal Abercrombie, called in and made an amazing series of statements. The guests on the show seemed to agree that historically presidents have been able to declassify information as they saw fit. They were discussing what charges could be filed against the administration for specific incidents. Congressman Abercrombie addressed the issue saying, "What we are are going through now...are the fine points of what people can get away with. If this is the degree to which our moral compass has deteriorated, then I don't know why I am serving in the congress...Maybe the atmosphere that exixts in today's world is one of cyanism and some kind of dismissal... but I take it seriously...to see ourselves devolve into a discussion of what the president can or cannot get away with legally or technically beggers the whole issue of trust in government and whether or not we are defending democracy or making a mockery of it." It was so great and so true and I just had to share it. The recording of the show can be heard using Real Player or Windows Media Player from this website.
http://www.wamu.org/programs/dr/06/04/07.php#10227
#public #private #YGG
Apr 7, 2006 12:13 AM Why turn it down?
Current mood:exhausted
Say you paid somebody $60 to give you $10 of your own money back each week for 6 weeks. By 5th week you get tired of the whole deal, so the person comes to you with a $10 bill, and you refuse to accept it. Would this ever happen? I don't think so. But why do so many college students pay their tuition and then give up partway through the semester? Surely, this is ridiculous.
I went to a class I am taking at the community college, and the instructor didn't show up. Over half the students wanted to leave, but it was a dance class and we had the space and a stereo and music, so I suggested we stay and work out for awhile. Just do what we normally do. It seemed like the people who needed to stay the most made a beeline for the door. I know people have to be open to knowledge to be able to accept it, but why sign up for the class if you don't want to learn something new?
I have also noticed this in my own classes that I teach. You wouldn't pay somebody to give you your own money back and then change your mind halfway through. And surely learning new skills is more important than getting $10. I just don't get it.
#education
January 13th, 2006
Wow, it's been about 4 months since I had a website to maintain. I can't decide if it was a monkey on my back (I do spend quite a bit of time uploading stuff) or if I really miss it. Regardless, I miss sharing pictures with friends and family and this journal is good for me to remember things if nothing else.
#writing
August 30, 2005
Well, the school year is fully underway. I am giving my first exams next week, so we'll see if the students start hating me or what. The weather is still pretty hot, it was in the 110s this past few days, but I guess I can't complain since we didn't have a hurricane. We went to the lake last weekend and again today, so it was nice to do some hiking and swimming. I get to use the fitness center at the community college, so I've been taking some Pilates classes and some "combo sculpt" classes. A trainer programmed me a workout using free weights, but I have yet to get through it. I'm not doing anything much for Labor Day, G is going on a road trip without me. I'll probably spend time with my friend Debbie. Also, one of my roommates from Kearney, Chelsey, is going to be in Phoenix this weekend so I hope I get to see her. I'm working really hard on the days I work and trying to relax & play really hard on my days off, so I'm sure I'll be keeping really busy. More later...
#fitness #love #worklifebalance
August 14, 2005
Well, summer is pretty much over. I had a meeting all day yesterday for faculty orientation at the community college. It was pretty useless except they provided free food. The weather here in AZ is tolerable coming from Omaha and Chicago, where it's almost as hot and much more humid. But maybe it's because during monsoon season here, it's a bit cooler. Melle is doing well and so is Annie. G has been working hard to study. I have so much work ahead of me to get ready for the semester. The past month has been fun, since I visited family in Nebraska. I got to see everyone and it was a great visit. We bought some new bicycles and took them out for a ride just about every day. Then, the Platte River co-op reunion was super fun. It made me wish I had a group of people to play ultimate Frisbee, softball, and go hiking and swimming like that every weekend. Then a trip to Chicago with Mom to see my friend Mykel. We got to do some museums, some shopping, some fine dining, and even see the broadway show "Wicked." It was a great trip. The photo at left is the dress I wore to the show. I don't have any pictures from Chicago, but there are plenty of photos on the scrapbook pages from all the other fun stuff we did. I know as soon as classes start I'll be ridiculously busy, but I guess I'll keep updating this thing as long as ASU lets me keep it posted. TTFN...
#fitness #friends
July 12, 2005
Summer is in full effect, but we still find the resolve to go hiking at the lake. It's been great teaching at the community college, and now that the class is over, I don't know what to do with my time. I miss it already, but I know I'll be busy again when fall classes start. I don't know how much longer I will be able to maintain this website because my filespace at ASU should expire sometimes soon. I don't think the community colleges issue filespace. They say that if you want to post things for the students, you have to use a program called "blackboard." But I'll try to see if I can get it posted somewhere else. My birthday was uneventful because I had some sickness, but I'm recovered now. We took a trip to LA to visit our friends Matt and Brad. I'll be traveling to Nebraska soon, so I can't wait to see all my family. I have been saving up hugs for all of you. I'll keep in touch through this website for as long as ASU lets me. More later...
#fitness #education #LivinginLA
May 26, 2005
I didn't have a photo to post, but I got one now. On May 26th, I was in Dallas visiting G's family. We've taken loads of pictures, but I forgot the cable to download them onto the computer. Right now, I am preparing to teach CHM 130 at Scottsdale community college. It's an introduction to chemistry for non-science majors with little or no math/science background. My class begins on May 31st and ends on June 30th. I am really excited that the department there gave me the chance to teach my first lecture section, and if I do well, I will likely have work for the fall and spring in Scottsdale. Otherwise I have a position lined up at Estrella Mtn community college, which is pretty far outside Tempe and would result in me moving out to the 'burbs. Anyway, otherwise things are alright. Melle has enjoyed watching the birds and squirrels in the backyard here in Dallas and I know she's looking forward to visiting Nebraska as soon as I'm done with this summer teaching gig. Hope you're all swell.
#travel #dogs
April 11, 2005
The "ASU collegiate" job fair has come and gone. It was pretty weak considering the size of Phoenix and ASU. There were hardly any employers worth talking to, but I gave my resume to two schools and one tomato grower. I meant to take a picture of me all done up in my "give me a job" outfit, but I forgot. I also have been meaning to take pictures of me in my "ask me to salsa dance" outfits that I've been wearing when G and I go to the salsa practice club for his class. But I keep forgetting. I know I'll bring my camera to New York, since I'll be there for a couple days this weekend. I really wish I could stay longer. I bet I won't have time to see much of the city, especially since I will be spending time with cousin Willa. I finally got a hold of the paperwork that says I passed my defense, so I just need to get the remaining signatures and turn that in. My thesis is also a go, I just need to make copies and take it to the bookstore for binding. Well, I guess that's all. Byeeeeeeee...
#career #family #worklifebalance #food
April 1, 2005
Well, now spring break and easter are over and next school year seems closer than ever. So I am planning things as best I can, trying to interview and get a job lined up asap. We have been going skiing and riding my bike to school and doing lots of hiking over spring break, so I feel good about things, but I really should get to doing more pilates. Melle is good, she lost a bunch of weight on the trip, so she's all lean now. All that running and refusing to eat unless we had been in the same location for more than one day (which didn't happen except in Vancouver), really trimmed her down. As for me, all that sitting in the car and eating easter candy hasn't helped my figure, but hasn't really hurt it either. I don't know when I'll be back in NE, but I'll know more when I know what job I'll be doing next year. Hopefully something enjoyable and challenging. Well I guess that's enough for today. Ciao!
#fitness
March 9, 2005
My master's defense has come and gone without any hassle. It was actually a pleasant experience. It's easy to see how the oral exam would have gone differently if the committee had been recommended to pass me instead of my theory that they had been told to put me in my place and be sure not to pass me. But since that is done, I am looking forward to the future with much less baggage worrying me. It's great to feel positive about things for a change. Excited about spring break, going to see Cheri in Vancouver. Should be an awesome drive up and back not to mention spending time with my best girl. After that, it's all about deciding what to do next year. But I am not worried about being unemployed, just the details of exactly which employer. Everything is coming up roses, or should I say orange blossoms because all the trees here are in bloom and it smells wonderful. TTFN.
#travel #friends #spring
February 20, 2005
Well, Valentine's Day has come and gone without any excitement, it's always a letdown from the commercial hype I suppose. Things are alright here. We've had so much rain that I am missing sunny Arizona already, how can I be thinking about moving to another state after being spoiled by day after day of this beautiful climate? It's supposed to rain all week and I got so depressed at that thought that I bought a bunch of body lotion and scrub that smells like a tropical island. I'm having daydreams of that idealized spring break or cruise or honeymoon vacation that is nothing but a figment of the collective unconscious. But it smells nice. Teaching is going swell, just ask my students. They are a good group and I told them they have to nominate me for a teaching award because it's my last semester. The education class is enjoyable now that I have learned to relax and stop expecting so much. I met with 2/3 of my committee for my defense and I think I found a day to do it that is before spring break. If I can I will get it all scheduled tomorrow and then I will get that over with in two weeks! I've been cooking all day so we'll have food for the week, so now I'm just resting my feet and putting off grading my papers. TTFN, dream about Tahiti, like me.
#aromatherapy #springbreak #education
January 31, 2005
Been skiing again this weekend, and I feel like I am getting better. Flagstaff got 22" more of snow in the last 48 hours, bringing the base to 117", so I imagine we'll go again this coming weekend or next weekend at least. There will be an Arizona area UNK alumni event this coming weekend, so I look forward to going to that. Teaching is going fine, I think this will be my most laid-back semester in terms of rules, but hopefully my teaching skills have improved and I know the material better, so things should go well. My class has lots of homework, but I guess it's alright because it's my first education class and I don't know as much as the other students in the class about the education system, so maybe it just takes me a long time since I have to catch up. I wish I had a job lined up for when I graduate. I think it would guarantee that my committee passes me when I do my defense. But you can't have everything. I didn't really have any new pictures to put here, so I took a picture of Melle just now. But I guess this one fits how I feel right now, just lazy and procrastinating getting my defense scheduled. Maybe this week...
#fitness #education #dogs
January 21, 2005
The new year and a new semester, perhaps my last as a student. Perhaps not. I still have yet to finalize my thesis as best as I can get it, but I have some direction thanks to dad reading it over. After I turn it in and defend it, I will really have to give serious thought to my next steps. One idea is to look at community college teaching positions in cities that I might want to live in. Another idea is to stay at ASU and enroll in the TEAMS program, where a post-baccalaureate student can get a master's of education simultaneously with a high school teacher certification in 10 months. I've heard that this program is really worthwhile and since I've been invited to observe a high school chemistry class, I may use that experience to help me decide what level of students I'd best like to teach. Otherwise things here are great. I went skiing at Flagstaff on MLK, Jr. Day, it was beautiful weather (43 degrees and sunny) so I didn't get cold at all. Also, it reminded me that I need to start doing some more cardio exercise. Teaching is good so far, my one class is an education class and that's ok so far, Melle is good, things are busy but going as well as can be expected. Love you all,...K
#education #mountains #fitness
December 16, 2004
Christmastime is near... This is my little tree, it's small but it's got a lot of spirit. I just had a great visit with Mom and I am anxious to get back to Nebraska for the holidays. Thanksgiving wasn't too exciting, so I really look forward to spending the time with family, it just isn't the same without. Graduation ceremonies were fun, but they would have been more fun I think if I had already finished my oral defense of my thesis. But of the other graduates I talked to, most didn't have jobs lined up, either they were letting their spouse take care of them or they were staying in school, so I didn't feel too bad for not having something directly lined up. But I am going to keep looking. In February there is an educational job fair for Arizona specific educational employment, mostly school districts. And in April is a huge job fair which I can attend and see if the hiring situation is better at that time. Who knows what 4 more months can do, but it can't be worse than it is now. I'll try to get pictures from Mom's visit up on the picture page so you can see my pretty outift that we found and the fun we had hiking together. And I'll be home soon to see you all again!!! Much love...TTFN
#education #career
November 23, 2004
Almost Thanksgiving, and I know I should be thankful. How many people are as lucky as me? Karl is pushing me to submit the thesis by the deadline for December graduation without him even looking at more than the first three pages. I am considering it, but warily. I had a good visit to Nebraska, it was so short and I got to do so much while I was there. This is a picture of me and Steph raking leaves in the backyard, but it looks kind of distorted. I just wanted to show the tree and the leaf pile. You would not believe how boring fall is when there are no leaves to see. I am resisting the urge to put up my dinky little Christmas tree and lights. I will do it after Thanksgiving, but I kind of want to do it now. I was thinking about attempting to bake some kind of pie to take to whatever gathering we end up going to, but I might spare them my baking disaster and bring a bottle of wine instead. I think Karl is having something again, Maggie mentioned something about coming down here, also we got invited to G's friend Brad's house in San Diego. I would say that I am looking forward to Christmas and all that, but things here are so hectic and confusing right now that I am just focusing on getting through until December 10th. Then I can worry about the rest. Melle is good, the apartment is good, my car is good, I am questionable but still trying. TTFN.
#beach #winter
November 7, 2004
November is here, which means nice weather in Arizona. Perfect for hiking at any time of day, so I am trying to take as much time outdoors as I can. Working on the thesis is alright, but I wish I had more direction. The interview with Intel went well, I expect to hear from them within a week. I haven't heard from the ACS employment service, so I will probably call them this week. I can't wait to take the vacation to Nebraska. Although the weather here is gorgeous, I miss the comfort and support of family. I have made some great friends here, but as I near the end of this time in my life, I know I will leave them behind. But "family is forever," as they say. This picture is from my adventure taking my own photos to go out in the graduation announcements. I borrowed G's tripod and took a few outfits out to Papago park. There were some goofy ones and some nice ones. I took about 80 shots on my digital camera. There is a page with some thumbnails of the ones I took in my cap & gown, but I used these ones to test the shot and the light and I thought it was nice too. Well, TTFN and much love and hugs to all my dedicated readers. ( :
#fitness
October 24, 2004
Well, it's almost Halloween which is good and bad. The good part is all the fun parties, and the weather cooled off, and all the squash on sale at the market. The bad part is that I have only a month to finish the thesis. Karl says that I can do it, but I have to be really focused. I know that, but actually doing it is hard. I have another job interview scheduled this week (Intel, semiconductor) and one the following week (Cerner, healthcare). The ones I already interviewed with are; Schlumberger (oil), Navair (defense), Malcolm Pirnie (environmental). I should be getting the employer contact info from the Am. Chemical Soc. Regional Employment Clearinghouses (Midwest and Western) at the end of this week and next week. I guess I'm trying to use these job opportunities as incentive to finish asap. If I know what I'm doing next, I know I have to finish what I started. G and I saw a good movie last night, I (heart) Huckabees. It's the kind of movie that requires the audience to be environmentally sympathetic, not sensitive to criticism of religion, and willing to think about the meaning of life and not get stuck in the same old routine of daily life, that is living without critically thinking. But since I fit this, I really liked it. Some people walked out in the middle, so I can tell you it wasn't for everyone. Anyway, I'll be in touch and I can't wait for my visit home. Laters...
#food #GreatestFilms
October 7, 2004
Another job interview later, I am feeling the crunch to get the thesis finished and defended. I guess I should have worked harder this summer to finish the entire thing before classes started. Now, there is always something else to work on; grading papers, writing quizzes, cooking, cleaning, etc. and I never seem to get around to writing. I guess I'm going to have to shift my priorities in order to make sure I finish on schedule. I think this photo is nice. G has been playing on a soccer league and sometimes I go watch his games and take Annie too. The fields are sometimes set in these beautiful locations with mountain views and this day happened to have interesting cloudy skies, so I thought I'd put it here. Moving is finally achieved, we just have a few things left to organize before we're totally settled. I put a "tour" on the photo page, so you should check it out. We like it so far. The interview I had yesterday went well and I think I will probably get a 2nd interview and maybe a job offer. The process takes time, but since I can graduate in December, the recruiter said that she will speed up the process and try to find an opening for someone like me in the next couple months. I sent my resumes to an American Chemical Society employment service, and I don't think I will hear back from them until the end of October, but at least that is something else being done to find a job. Teaching is also going well, my students just had their second exam and they filled out evaluations of me, so I'm sure I'll get some interesting feedback in 2-3 weeks. Well, I guess I had better get to school... Laters.
#careers #education
September 18, 2004
Yes, the job searching thing is going along. I have some prospects, but now I have to decide which ones I really want and how much I am willing to do for some company. Especially if that company only stands for profit and doesn't contribute anything besides that to society or the earth. The teaching is going well. I feel good about it. The getting ready to graduate is going alright. I recently got a bunch of paperwork signed by the important people, but I still have mountains left to climb in this endeavor. I have to finish my thesis and get it format approved and schedule my oral defense and pass it. Those are the main things and they seem like only 4 things, but they are 4 massive things which each have many challenges within them. The moving thing is a bit confusing right now. I don't see why it has to be so difficult, but apparently it can't be easy or simple. Well, I think that's about all. TTFN.
#careers #sustainability #green
September 6, 2004
Well, it's hard to believe that it's already September, but I guess I'll have to get used to it because it's not going away. It just doesn't feel like fall because it's still above 100 degrees here. I've been working non-stop it seems like, but it's a nice change from the summer where I had lots of things to do, but I wasn't especially motivated to get them done. Now, I have deadlines and structure again, and I remember how good it feels to work hard all day and feel good at the end of the day when you know you've accomplished a lot. So, I'm working on teaching well AND getting a job lined up AND getting prepared to graduate AND moving into a new apartment/house. So, you can see how these things would keep a person busy. Also, I am still trying to find time to cook good food and exercise. I've been riding my bike to school about 1/2 the days and going to step aerobics the other half. G thinks he can see I lost a bit of weight, but it's nothing significant yet. I think if I can continue this sort of pace, I'll feel much better in the long run. I know I have been a bit of a punk about keeping in touch, but I really feel busy right now and I'm sure I'll get better as things settle down. Melle is limping for some reason since we took her to the lake yesterday, but I think she just got another blister on her foot. Otherwise, things here are swell, fine, dandy, peachy, and all that jazz...
#TypeA #dogs #fitness #cycling
August 16, 2004
Back from Nebraska. Not gonna' lie to you, I had a great time and I wish I could have stayed longer. Now, I'm just trying to get ready for the school year, getting paperwork straightened out, registering for classes, etc. I'll be going to an informational session on the Peace Corps tomorrow night, I thought I would just attend and see what it's all about and see if they could use somebody like me. Also I'm attending a job fair at ASU on September 7-10 for local employers. The fair is open to ASU students & alumni and I might find a job in the Phoenix area in case I plan on staying here. At any rate, it will be good experience talking to employers and having informal interviews. I just briefly looked at places to live for this year. I suppose I should see about getting a short or month-to-month lease or something in case I decide to leave in December. I just can't predict what will happen, but I'll try to stay relaxed about it. Anyway, I have until the end of September. But I'm sure that will be here before I know it. I don't know for sure, but I think Jen and I are going to the Telluride Blues and Brews festival. We have to see what teaching assignments we get first to know when we can get off, but I hope we can get there for the Friday show (Sept 17) because that's when Johnny Lang plays. But if not, maybe we can get tickets for the Beer festival day (Saturday the 18th) or the B.B. King day (Sunday the 19th). Anyway, that's what I'm looking forward to this next month. That's about it for me, Melle says hi and she's still cute as ever. Laters...
#careers #music
August 2, 2004
Wow, I can't believe how fast July went by. But I'm excited for August because it means a visit to NE and the beginning of the school year! I know it must sound strange for me to be excited about school starting, but I am. I can't wait to find out what class I'm teaching and who I'll be working with. It'll be good to get some routine back in my life and work with people again. Also, the visit to Nebraska is totally on my mind every day. I am so happy to have an entire week to spend with family and friends. I'm sure it will be great. Melle is good, she had some problem with her tongue, maybe an insect bite or a cold sore or something, but it's better now. I can't believe I've been keeping up this silly journal for a whole year already, it's gone by so fast.
Things here are alright. I've been trying to work on my thesis (although it's going slow), work on my health (both by cooking better foods and working out), and work on my relationships (with friends and family and G). So it's a lot of work, but I am trying to manage everything without getting too stressed and getting too dependent on coffee (which I really need to work on). I'm thinking more and more these days about my serious future. And it gets seriously stressful. I think people mostly go about their daily lives without thinking about the future too much, until they come to a junction in their lives. Well, I'd say that I'm approaching a junction and it's on my mind alot lately. I hope that I can make good choices regarding my future plans, and I can't say I haven't learned anything in my time here in AZ, although I will say that the lessons have been mostly depressing (realizing how the world really works instead of an idealistic view of things). So I don't know exactly where I'm headed (for the first time in my life) and I'm going to try to keep from going crazy while educating myself on all possible (realistic) options for myself. OOps, the timer in my kitchen is going off and that means time to bake kolaches from the dough I started earlier! Yea! TTFN.
#summer #dogs #goals #stress #education #food
July 9, 2004
I had a great birthday and I am so happy to have such good friends and family to make me feel so special. Things are going well here, the weather has been hot & dry, but today it's humid and cloudy so we might be seeing the beginning of our monsoon season. I welcome the change. I am soooooo looking forward to visiting home in August. I can't wait to see everyone and just spend some simple time together. I miss everyone so much right now.
I am feeling pretty relieved after having talked to my advisor yesterday. I had been feeling guilty for not working as hard in the lab as I could, but I was still having feelings of resentment towards my fellow students and even towards my advisor himself. He suggested that I stop working in the lab and start writing the thesis and try to finish as soon as possible. He said the final document should be about 40 pages of text and 10 pages of figures and tables. I should be able to get a good draft by the end of August. I always listen to NPR and lately they've been talking about these things called "web logs" or simply "blogs." They are supposedly independent people keeping a daily or weekly updated webpage where they give their opinions on things or talk about their lives. The other day I realized that this page may be considered a "blog." Sometimes the internet can seem like such an intangible thing when you hear so-called "experts" talking about it on the radio. They use all this crazy-hip terminology and make it seem complicated. I remember when the phrase "surfing the web" or the "internet superhighway" seemed so strange. Now there are "blogs" and dozens of other terms I feel unfamiliar with, but in reality, I have been keeping a blog all along and I was surfing the web before that term was invented. Anyway, I just thought it was interesting. TTFN.
#summer #education #writing
June 18, 2004
Yo, TGIF man! I am almost completely moved out of my old apartment, just a few boxes left to go over to G's plus my plants and the pooch. It's sad because I really liked my old place, but I have plenty of memories and pictures to remember it. Work is progressing, so that's good. I have a positive outlook on my projects, with the idea that the end of summer will bring a paper or two based on the work that I am doing. Also, this work will be included in grants that Karl is writing, which will hopefully bring more money into the group. Summer will be over before I know it, so I guess that's kind of good and kind of bad. The weather is hot, hot, and more hot.
I am looking forward to monsoon season, at least it will give us some clouds to make the sky look more interesting. We're going to try to go to Lake Pleasant every Sunday to take out the dogs and hike/swim ourselves, so I am looking forward to that. I've been having some strange dreams lately, some would call them premonitions. I think my psychic powers are waxing strong. I dreamt that I bought a pair of "magic jeans" that were in some single-digit size and had the power to scare away other girls and turn the attention of any man in the room to me. Then, I went shopping and found a pair of jeans in a size 8 (normally not my size) that fit me and looked really hot! They were only $16 (magic price, too) and G said he really likes them. I'll be putting pictures of me wearing them in the photo gallery. They were "defective" Express brand precision fit jeans, but I hope the manufacturer keeps messing up so I can get a pair in every color.
#love #writing #fitness
June 4, 2004
I've been working in the lab again. Things are going slow but steady. I can expect the rest of the summer to come along this way. The visit with Cheri was awesome, but way too short. Soon I'll be moving in with G , which is just down the street from me, so it's not too drastic. Healthwise, I'm going to start walking to work and catch a ride home from work with G. Or something like that. I need to add some "mild exercise/long duration" stuff to my routine. Other than that, I think things are going fine here. I wish I had some more exciting news, but I really don't. TTFN.
#gradschool
May 20, 2004
Got back from Dallas, had a GREAT time. It was such a nice break from Phoenix and good to spend time with G's family. I get to pick Cheri up from the airport TODAY and I'm so excited. Nothing much else is going on, after Cheri's visit, I'll be moving to a new address which I will disseminate asap. Since I'm just wasting time while I'm waiting for instruments to come available in the lab, I decided to start writing my masters thesis. I got some books on the subject of writing a good thesis and as much info as possible from the graduate college. I am really going to force myself to ask for help this time and not try to do everything on my own. I'm also going to have to re-open dialogue with my committee soon so that will be awkward, but I'm going to have to suck it up and do it. Not much else, talk more later.
#travel
May 10, 2004
Obviously I'm bored, since I'm redesigning my website (again). I am trying my darndest to work in the lab as much as I can, but it's much more difficult to get work done during the day, hence the reason I was working at night before. Summer is here in full effect (it's above 100), so it's time to get Melle a haircut. Going to Dallas for a couple days soon to visit G's family. Then Cheri is coming to AZ to visit me. Really looking forward to both of these visits. After May, I'll just try to work in the lab solidly throughout June & July to finish up the research I will need for my thesis and possibly get something published. In August, I'll take a trip through CO to NE and visit the family again (can't wait!!).
I found a local dance studio that offers adult ballet and hip-hop, since taking a class at ASU would be more expensive for the summer, and I'll try out the first class this evening. I'll let you know how it turns out. Besides that, there's not much else. More later...
#friends #travel #dance #fitness
April 26, 2004
Well, it was certainly good to see family this past week. I really enjoyed my (short) trip to Nebraska and really look forward to the next opportunity I will have to visit, which seems like the end of August. I am relieved to have renewed my cell phone contract with Verizon for another two years, but am not looking forward to deciding where to live. My lease doesn't run out until June, but I have to give 30 days notice to the office as to my plans. I could stay on in a month-to-month fashion for an extra $30/month, and I may have to do this for a short time. I am looking into moving out of my apartment into a house with a fenced-in yard for Melle. She's put up with apartment living long enough, and I know she'd really enjoy having a yard to bird-watch in. We'll have to see about the roommate situation, since I can't afford to rent a house all by myself.
Overall, I am feeling good right now. I figured since the pressure of the PhD program is off my shoulders, I can focus more on my health for the next year. Do things that are good for my body and soul, so to speak, instead of being constantly stressed and making excuses for not taking care of my body. Maybe in addition to teaching next fall/spring, I can register for some elective classes (art or dance or maybe even a cooking class). I don't know, but the idea of it cheers me up and will give me something to look forward to if I can just make it through the summer working in the lab. Better get back to work, I have a seminar to give this week. School is a struggle right now, due to the hostile environment I perceive it to be. I feel like I'm being judged or chastised or pitied by each person I run into. Also, I am feeling some strange attitudes within my own research group, so I have to keep to myself and try to hang in here until the dust settles. I promised Karl that I would put forth a good effort this summer to maintain essentially banker's hours instead of the random schedule I have kept until now. This is proving difficult, especially since I'd rather avoid the aforementioned "hostile environment" of the other people in my group. Also, I worked those strange hours to ensure that when I came to school, I wouldn't have to wait for the instruments to be available. There's no conflict at 8pm in our lab, so it was easier for me to get things done at those times. It turned out badly for me because if your advisor doesn't see you in the lab, you must not have been there, so people started thinking I wasn't working at all. But I just preferred to be alone. Anyway, I'm trying to change that and become more visible. Maybe with time will come a routine and I'll be able to ignore the other people and work as much as I can.
#education #career
April 8, 2004
Yeah, so I didn't pass the exam. It sucks. I worked as hard as I could without going crazy (even went a little crazy) and I still didn't have what it takes to pass. I have theories about this outcome which might not be appropriate for the public domain that is the internet. Yet, I am still happy for the chance to see family and friends soon, and that whole idea of getting my normal life back sounds good. I must admit that grad school turned out to be harder than I thought it would be and this has been such a learning experience regardless of the fact that I won't have the highest degree to show for it. I'll be in touch with everyone soon, so this may seem brief, but I don't know what exactly to say yet. TTFN.
#education #fail
March 31, 2004
Well, it's two days before my oral exam, and I feel ready. I would like to get it over with. I just talked to another girl in my group, Tina, who said that she didn't study the last few days before her exam. I felt bad for not studying yesterday and today, but I just can't think of anything else to work on and my brain is already so full, but now I'm not feeling as bad because Tina passed on her first try and she didn't study the last couple days either. I can't wait for my trip back to Nebraska!!! Also, I just found out Cheri's coming to visit me during the last weekend of May, so I can't wait for that either!!! I just can't wait to get my normal life back after this stupid exam is finished. I can go back to research and just working a normal schedule instead of constant stress and pressure to be studying, studying, studying. I haven't been keeping up with my Pilates too well this month, so I'll be glad to get back into that again too.
It's times like these (when you're stressed and overworked) that you find out who your good friends are. Those people who remember to tell you good luck and plan to take you out to celebrate- even though you haven't called them in a month or more because you've been studying your butt off. And I'm proud to say that my friends and family have been sooooo good to me, wishing me luck and giving me words of support <sigh, with tears in eyes>, thanks to all of you. I feel loved and I really appreciate your encouragement.
#education #stress #friends
March 12, 2004
Hello... I'm freaking out!!! I just scheduled to borrow the department's projector and reserved a room for my orals and practice orals. I have exactly 3 weeks left!! I made myself a schedule and that relaxed me a bit to see how many days I can devote to pure studying, I can see that there is still plenty of time (as long as I actually do it on the times I have it scheduled.) I don't know if I'll be able to go anywhere for spring break, considering that I still have so much work to do, both in the lab and studying. The new project isn't going so well, but that's to be expected when you're doing anything new. I have to get back to the wound healing project this coming week in order to have some more results to include in my orals talk. Yes, I might be going crazy, but I have to keep working until it's over. Then, I'll take a nice break and get back to working at a normal pace. I did color my hair (bright red) but it's faded since I did it, so it actually looks nice and not too dramatic now. Hope you're all doing well and I'll try to write one more entry before the dreaded exam.
#gradschool
March 1, 2004
Got Karl's grant turned in with some preliminary results on the wound healing project, but not as much data as we had hoped. Ran into some problems with one of the proteins being very unstable. Must remedy this problem and return to work on the project eventually. TAing is going fine, just time consuming. New direction with the SPR research: applying electrochemistry to our SPR spectroscopy, which is interesting and stimulating. A nice change from the other project. Working on getting ready for oral exam by studying and writing research report, which could turn into a publication in a journal. Had a super fun time with Shannon Mykel (fellow North High alumni) in mid-February, and just got back from a ski trip with G and Muti which was awesome.
I did get a haircut (shorter but not too dramatic), but no haircolor, so it's not that shocking. Working out more and trying to stick to a few simple dietary modifications, which has given happy results so far. In the near future, looking forward to spring break (maybe Rocky Point, Mexico or San Diego, California) and getting the oral exam out of the way. In the mid-future, looking forward to seeing family in April. In the long future, looking forward to seeing Cheri in Vancouver or Arizona in May. This weekend will be busy with the graduate student recruits coming to visit, it's hard to believe it has already been 2 years since I decided to come to ASU for grad school. But I am thoroughly convinced that I made the right choice, so that's great.
#gradschool #education #springbreak #travel #career
February 10, 2004
Still collecting data for Karl's grant due Feb 20th. Getting ready for TAing CHM 328 (Instrumental Analysis) lab on electrochemistry starting March 9th. Oral exam looks to be March 26th. Fun stuff, let me tell you... But otherwise doing well. Looking into going skiing this weekend Feb 13-14 or else definitely Feb 27-28. That should be fun. Trying to resist desire to get a dramatic haircut/haircolor. Stress brings on a need for me to do crazy things, but at least you're forewarned if I go through with it. Wish there were more fun things to tell about, but I knew it was going to be a hard semester, so I shouldn't be surprised. TTFN.
#education #stress #fitness
January 28, 2004
Getting ready to submit my research proposal and research report abstracts and set a date for my oral exams. I hope I can do it the first or second week of March. Also working on collecting data for two major grants that Karl is writing, due Feb 1st and Feb 20th. So school is keeping me very busy. Been doing pilates and other excersises, but only time will tell if I can stick to a program and see results. Looking forward to friends visiting around mid-Feb. Will be so happy when orals are finished. Melle is still cute. Hope everyone in colder climates drives safely and stays warm and cozy. More later.
#fitness #winter
January 15, 2004
I haven't updated this journal in awhile, but I'll try to get back on track for twice a month during this new year. I had an excellent winter break, spending time with family and friends. It was very hard to come back this time around, I don't know why, but I know a few of my friends experienced similar feelings about returning to PhD programs after winter break. Perhaps it's the fact that we're getting entrenched in our programs now (the mid-2nd year) and we have to go forward until we get the degree, it's almost too late to quit since we've obviously made it this far. It's hard to know that you can't get out at any time, or you could, but you wouldn't have anything to show for all the work you've already put in. I'm sad because my favorite aerobics class may be ending (tonight will be the last night), as the instructor is going away, but I've tried some new classes and hopefully they will be able to fill the void.
I am expecting fun times in February as friends have mentioned visiting, we have been discussing the possibility of a ski trip, and I might do my oral exam all in that same month. Crazy, I know. I might have to push my orals back to April if I don't get them done in February, but I don't want to wait so long. I'll be TAing during the month of March, and after that I look forward to going back to NE in April for the HamFam reunion. Melle is doing fine, although she misses all her friends (Dingle, Hopper, Rayko, Linda, Zhana, Fury, George, etc.) that she made over break. But she loves all the Christmas presents she got, so thank you all for those. More later.
#dogs #education #fitness
November 26, 2003
I am not going home for Thanksgiving (for the first time ever), instead I'll be spending it with friends (Mike and G) and co-workers (Karl is having the group and friends over for dinner). I am sick again, but it's not nearly as bad as last time, just a cold. I had a great time with Karly and I am looking forward to taking a long Christmas break to spend with friends and family. A group of UNK chem buddies is gathering on Dec 19th and 20th so I will get to see my old friends, then to Omaha and Lincoln to see family and relax. It should be great. I have to get as much work done before then, but it shouldn't be a problem as long as I can get (and stay) healthy and not get too stressed out. Not much else is new here. Check out the new pictures!!
#dogs #education #stress
November 14, 2003
Karl, my advisor, has informed me that as a research group, we have underperformed this whole semester. He said that if he had to assign us a grade, we'd get no higher than a "D." So I guess that means I have to work a bit harder. He admitted that it's his fault for not being around very much and not pushing certain people to work at their fullest potential, but I still have to start to "work hard, work smart." That's Karl's new motto anyway. The weather is nice and I think I'll try to catch some of the meteor shower that is supposed to be visible over the next week. I can't wait to see Karly and the rest of the family at Thanksgiving (since I decided to come home after all). Melle is good, cute as ever since I just got her a haircut. Better get back to work. TTFN.
#family #love #dogs
November 3, 2003
Finally, I am almost healthy. I came down with a pretty bad flu and I have been sick for the past week. I feel better today and now I can get back into my routine at the gym and at school. I am looking forward to Karly coming to visit me and I still don't know exactly what I am doing for Thanksgiving, but I have been thinking about spending it with friends this year, maybe Maggie or Cheri. I finally got around to updating my picture page, so definitely check that out. The October page is huge, I should totally split it into a couple pages so it doesn't take forever to load, but that can go down another day. I just found out that I had been paying for cable channels ever since I moved to AZ that I can get by simply attaching a paper clip to the end of my cable wire and not plugging it into the wall. (It's nice to have a guy around sometimes to fix your TV and take care of other manly things.) School has been on hold since FACSS and my illness, so I really have to get back into my work and studies. Luckily, the flu helped me lose some weight, so I don't feel bad about not going to the gym for awhile, but now I have to start working out again if I want to eat like a normal person.
Melle doesn't really get along with G's dog, Annie, but I want to try to work on that because it would be nice to be able to take them on hikes together at least. Besides that, things are crusing along here, it'll be Christmas before I know it. And after that...my ORALS!!! Woah, I'm getting ahead of myself, so I'll just go back to thinking about how awesome Karly's visit is going to be. Peace out for now!
#travel #love
October 15, 2003
I am getting ready to go to FACSS this weekend and I am pretty excited about that. I am taking better care of my health in terms of diet and exercise, but my stress level is increasing, so I don't know if I will be able to make any serious progress. Time will tell. I am looking forward to carving some pumpkins and going to some Halloween parties even though Phoenix is supposed to break some temperature records again this weekend, so it still doesn't feel like fall. We're about 10 degrees hotter than normal for this time of year. Poop on that. Besides all that, I am happy because I have been spending time with a special someone lately and getting to know him much better. I like what I have learned so far, so I am anxious to see where we are headed, but I'm trying to be patient. Melle is still cute as ever. What a sweet dog, how lucky am I? TTFN.
October 1, 2003
Too bad Phoenix is breaking temperature records by being hotter than usual. We had a high temperature of 107o yesterday, but all of us here in the "Valley of the Sun" are looking forward to cooler days. It's hard to believe it's already October, partly due to the fact that it's still really hot outside. I miss the fall leaves changing, but luckily we went to Sedona this past weekend and got to see a bit of foliage in the cooler areas.
Things in the lab are getting better, I found 9 probes that I can use before FACSS, so I have some experiments to get done. Also, I got my own instrument working again (I changed Windows platforms so I had to re-install everything and re-calibrate it.) As soon as our collaborator gets me the antibodies/antigens, I'll be in the lab getting results for my poster. I've been using these last few weeks, while everything in our lab is getting fixed, to study for my orals. But I'm looking forward to getting back into the lab and actually working with my hands instead of just reading about theory and equations. I'm looking forward to the FACSS meeting in Florida, Halloween parties, and then after that, Karly's visit!! It's going to be awesome. Speaking of my sisters, Karly got on the 2003 Scholastic All-America swim team, so I hope that means she gets her picture on the wall at Gross. I'm so proud. I always looked at them when I visited dad's school when I was a kid. I thought, "when I get to go here, I'm going to get my picture on the wall." I would have (if I'd have gone to Gross) because I made UDA All-Star my senior year and they have UDA and UCA All-Stars on that wall. Now, Steph just has to get UCA All-Star and we'll all be "on the wall." I bet she will because her squad did really well at the UCA camp this summer and if she keeps up, she'll be captain when she's a senior. Go Hamerskys!! The hip-hop coalition isn't going so well, they teach really fast and always start late and end late. It's been a serious test of my patience. But I'm still weight-training at the gym and playing tennis, hiking, doing hip-hop aerobics. I go to the coalition, but I don't get much of a workout because I can never fully get the routine. The choreography is really complicated and I always stand in the back so I can't see what's going on very well. Otherwise, if I stood in the middle or the front, I'd get too claustrophobic with all the people in there. But the music selection is good, that's the main reason I keep going. I think that's about it. More to come!
#surfaceofthesun #science #YGG #dance
September 19, 2003
Looks like I survived the "Blues & Brews" festival in Telluride. The concert was held on a gorgeous day and there were mountains and hippies all around. We got to drive through some beautiful mountain passes and spend some time with friends and family. It was a good vacation. Unfortunately, when I got back, we were out of supplies for probe-making. Then, when we got the supplies, our sputtering chamber malfunctioned, so it looks like I'll be nearly out of work for the next couple weeks. Fortunately, this gives me time to research my orals project and possibly start writing the introduction to my thesis (Karl's suggestion). The talk on the "Z machine" I had mentioned last time went very well. I added lots of humor and good quality content, so it was decidedly a success. Plus, this means that I don't really have any class-related responsibilities for the remainder of the semester. I have to attend everyone else's seminars, but that doesn't involve much work on my part. As some of you know, I have been slowly trying to get back into shape. I had really let my health slide for awhile, but I would like to get back into some fitness routine. Hence, I have signed up for an appointment with a Personal Trainer at my gym, Pure Fitness. I wasn't sure if my membership covered this feature and I also wasn't ready to commit to a routine, but now I believe I am. So at 5pm today, this chick Shareen is going to measure my body fat and weight and all that jazz and then help start me off slowly. I wish we could do without that part, but I suppose you have to know where you started so that when you're in shape you can look back and feel a sense of accomplishment. I just wish I didn't have to know all the numbers until the end. I've been playing racquetball and dancing at the hip-hop coalition and hip-hop aerobics. I just don't think that is enough. It's enough to maintain my current fitness level, but I think I'm ready for a change. Also, the weather in Phoenix is finally getting bearable in the early morning or after sunset, so I'll be able to do some hiking and tennis-playing outside. Yippe-skippy! Melle is all healthy again and happy to be back from road-tripping (I took her with us to Colorado). I'll try to get those pictures in the scrapbook asap. TTFN.
#education #fitness
September 2, 2003
I survived Labor Day weekend without any incidents. I went out Friday and Saturday nights. It was great, actually. Friday we (Mike, G & Demeter) went to Fat Tuesday's and the Owl's Nest, then back to my house to watch Zoolander. At the Owl's Nest I danced with a bunch of really friendly people (a.k.a. one hot guy). Saturday we (Jen, G & Demeter) went to Click's Billiards and Mickey's Hangover (in Scottsdale) which was a bar we had never been to before. I'd definitely go to Mickey's again, especially if I run into an adorable Hawiian, like I did last weekend, who told me I don't look old enough to be 23 and that I am very pretty (even though I was not wearing makeup). Keep the flattery coming... I'm really trying to re-build my self-esteem since I am single again whether I like it or not. Sunday and Monday I just relaxed at home and spent some time with Melle. All in all, it was a very good holiday weekend.
I'll be going to the second meeting of the Hip-hop Coalition tonight, hoping that less people attend (last time there were 100 people in a 200 sq.ft. area, talk about sardines). As far as work goes, I am unfortunately stuck since all our antibodies were ruined while I was on vacation in Nebraska. So in the interim, while I wait for new antibodies to arrive, I will be doing some studies on metal adhesion layers, which in conjunction with some further experiments on organic adhesion layers, should yield a decent publication. This is my hope, anyway. Jen and I are planning on attending the "Blues & Brews" festival in Telluride, Colorado on September 11-14. Then, I am planning on going to San Francisco, California on October 1-2 to attend the reception for Aunt Anne's breast health awareness posters (http://natasha.to/lwagner.html). I am pretty excited to be able to be there. Then, October 19-23 is the FACSS meeting in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I'm giving a poster presentation on Wednesday Oct 22. I hope all of this traveling will sustain me through the boredom of working in the lab every day. I'm giving a talk on Thursday in our seminar about the "Z-machine," which is the most powerful x-ray source in the world. Scientists are using it to study nuclear fusion and simulate things like neutron stars and nuclear explosions. Cool... so wish me luck on that. Take care and I'll talk more later.
#dance #travel #education
August 12, 2003
I have returned safely from my trip to Nebraska, which was exceptional. I spent my time with many different family members, but fortunately I never felt the guilt of spending too much time with one and not enough with the other. I know dad was disappointed that we didn't share much time together, but he was preparing for the upcoming school year, so I understand that my visit was not the best timing for him.
I am anxious to get going on my research again because the preliminary results from before my vacation seemed promising. I expect to get lots of work done before the FACSS (Federation of Analytical Chemistry and Spectroscopy Societies) conference in October 2003 so I can present my results there. After that, I'll start preparing for my oral exam which is to be completed before the end of my second year (May 2004). I don't have to wait until May to do it, so I might start earlier so I can get back to research that will help me finish my PhD asap. I'm going to try to get "in shape" as much as possible before the Hip-Hop coalition try-outs on August 30th, so wish me luck on that. Nothing much else is new, but I will try to keep updating this page when I feel like I have something interesting to share. For the rest of August and September, I hope to stay relaxed and do as much work as I can without driving myself crazy.
#family #travel #dance #fall
August 1, 2003
This is my first journal entry, so it may be a bit hard to get into the swing of doing this. I am getting ready to return to Nebraska to see my family and attend the "Babysitting Co-op" reunion. I am really excited to do all of this, but of course it is always stressful preparing to see people I haven't seen for awhile. I know I have changed (and not just in my appearance) and I always get some amount of anxiety when I think about whether or not these people will "recognize" me. Have I lost the self I used to be? Will they still want to be my friend? These are the questions I ask myself just before I drift off to sleep at night. But regardless, I am excited to get home again. I get to leave behind the stress of graduate student life in exchange for "the good life."
#family #love #stress