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Ahh, flowers. The wonderful, beautiful examples of nature sprinkled into spring, a magnificent portrayal of the Earth’s color palette. There are an estimated 400,000 species of flowers just waiting to be stomped on by toddlers, pampered by old lady gardeners, or picked by a thoughtless partner who just remembered an anniversary. Humans just melt at the varying colors and shapes that complement and grow alongside grass they forget to touch. But all flowers are not created equal. The Earth creates pretty things, yes, but it also created school district-issued feral rats and algebra. Just as bad must balance out good, ugly must balance out the lovely. Right here we will finally hate on whoever/whatever created these few elements of nature, based upon three criteria, which are:
Overall looks, location, impacts on the environment
Comparisons to other ugly things
How grateful I would be (me, not you) to receive them in a bouquet
1. Monotropa uniflora (“Corpse Flower”, “Indian Pipes”)
1. Monotropa uniflora (“Corpse Flower”, “Indian Pipes”)
Starting off strong, I judge this flower based solely on colorlessness. I’m bored and underwhelmed. Mother nature, do better next time. If this flower went onto Rupaul’s drag race it wouldn’t even make it to the runway. Where’s the color? Why do the petals look like seniors just denied from their dream school, depressed and rejected? Isn’t growth supposed to be happy? If someone I really liked gave me a bouquet of corpse flowers I’d take it as a break up. Straight trash. 3/10.
2. Aristolochia gigantea (“Giant Pelican Flower”)
2. Aristolochia gigantea (“Giant Pelican Flower”)
Eugh. This flower makes me uncomfortable. It has basically zero shape, just a thin open layer of petals that would swallow someone in an anime or start speaking after a movie character takes shrooms. Although it’s an improvement in color from the last flower, its color actually hurts its case. This flower looks like it forgot to reapply SPF after an hour at the pool. Kids, please listen to your mother. Sunburn hurts. Additionally, they are literally poisonous. If someone ingests any part of these flowers, the primary symptom is kidney failure and eventually death. If someone gave me a bouquet of giant pelican flowers, I’d get creeped out and throw them out immediately, but first smile fakely out of fear (because why would you give me a killer flower?). I’m smart enough to not eat flowers, but for stupid people, please stay far away. 1.5/10.
3. Hydnora africana (“Jackal food”)
3. Hydnora africana (“Jackal food”)
The fifth season of Stranger Things doesn’t come out till November 27th, but this plant seems like it will drag someone to the Upside Down. It’s like a human-sized Venus Fly Trap. Just look at that texture! I get chills of cringe when thinking about how it could feel on my fingertips. Furry…sharp…and now it’s chomping at my hand!! AHHHH!!! HELLPP!!! WHY WOULD I TOUCH IT!!! Okay, that’s dramatic. Probably the ugliest flower I’ve ever seen though. Besides that, it also apparently emits an odor that resembles feces, which attracts beetles. So besides being a horribly unnecessary monster of nature, it continues to get worse. Since these flowers smell like the 4th-floor bathroom, I’d run away from anyone approaching me with a bouquet of them with no hesitation. Ahh, now I have to stare at pictures of young Zac Efron to remind myself that the Earth makes some good too. As for these insults to beauty, jail. -1/10.
4. Bulbophyllum phalaenopsis (“Fly Orchid”)
4. Bulbophyllum phalaenopsis (“Fly Orchid”)
Oh. Haha. No. Noo.. What is going on here? Why the spikes? If I asked a kindergartener to draw a flower and they pulled out this, concerned is an understatement. This would be an angsty emo teen’s favorite flower simply because it sucks so bad, and that makes it ‘rock-n-roll’, (correct my terminology if needed). Besides being hit with that outrageous face card, its aura is dark, dank green. The smell, which oozes from its petals, has been reported to resemble rotting meat, leading flies to pollinate and swarm around this flower. Yet again, if you even consider putting these flowers into a bouquet, and on top of that consider giving them to me?? Never speak to me please. Blocked. -2.5/10.
Thanks for taking the time to be a hater with me for four ugly flower opinions. Love must balance out hate. So please, never stop hating. We need that to ground us in this world. The world needs our opinions. Without it, everyone’s always happy, and that’s simply no fun.
Sources Cited
https://www.backyardboss.net/the-worlds-ugliest-flowers/
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