1.Defuse and De-escalate
D - Don’t lose your cool. De-personalise.
E - Empathise (don't sympathise). Allow the student to have his/her say.
F - Find out the facts.
U - Understand feelings.
S - Suggest solutions. Suspend ego (thinking about oneself and self-importance).
E - End on a positive note.
Verbal De-escalation - things to remember
The is all about avoiding unnecessary and often counter-productive verbal confrontation. Click the link above to learn more.
2. Feelings
Part of what makes conflicts difficult to navigate is the big feelings they bring out that students may not be able to process. Before students can address the problem that caused the conflict they need to be able to get to a place emotionally where they can think before they act. IF the student can discuss their feelings with you without supports or visuals then facilitate a conversation. Discuss how they were feeling, did they want to feel this way, how would they rather feel, what could they do differently next time to ensure they feel the way they want to, make a plan. If you need something more structured you could use the below suggestions.
Choice Theory Behaviour Car and associated cards can help with this process. If you would like a step by step process to follow click the link below.
3. Source of the conflict
Once the big emotions have calmed, the next step is figuring out exactly what the problem is. Sometimes students don’t have the emotional awareness to identify the source of the conflict. There could be a deeper feeling or meaning behind the conflict.
If asking the student why they did something elicits an answer of "I don't know" you can try re-framing eg "If things were going the way you had wanted them to, what would that look like?"
4. Facilitate a conversation
Once the students are calm and the source of the conflict has been ascertained facilitate a conversation between the involved parties. Do not have additional students, only those involved.
Here are some suggested scripts/processes to follow for this.
Conflict resolution conversation process
5. Teach a response
Students need to be taught how to respond to conflict. One strategy for this can be to teach students to be assertive but not engage eg No, Go, Tell or High Five. It is important to teach students not to react as much as possible as this removes the response that is often rewarding for the hostile person.
Another strategy to teach is the High Five Strategy:
Talk friendly (“Please don’t do that”).
Talk firmly (“I said don’t do that”).
Ignore (The child keeps on with what he/she was doing).
Walk away (The child goes to a safe place)
Report (The child reports the incident to the principal)
6. Talk and Document
Adopt a logical and sequential approach when responding to reports of aggression or conflict. Use the “no blame approach” to initial reports. This uses the following process:
Take the incident seriously.
Stop any ongoing aggression, conflict or bullying that may be occurring.
Listen to all sides of the story (victim, aggressor and witnesses).
Deal with the complaint in a manner to avoid making the aggressor (if there is a main aggressor) feel inadequate or foolish.
Listen sympathetically.
Offer support and encouragement for reporting it.
If there is an aggressor, explain that his/her actions are inappropriate.
Don’t act aggressively, model appropriate behaviour.
Ask the students how he/she thinks the other student must feel and how would they like to be in that circumstance.
Explain that actions must stop.
Set up a time to check with the students that the behaviour has stopped.
Document the issue.
If required, contact parents of both students and advise them of the circumstances. Explain the approach and have it designed to reduce the risk of retaliation.
Suggest methods for parents to teach their students to act assertively in an appropriate manner.