Week 9 - Special Edition

Best week of the year as far as Power Rankings are concerned. The theme this year - Shit from the 90's. Didn't really rank any of the teams because it's anyone's game, almost. Here we go...

                      to              

Seth (Britney Spears' Virginity) - You earn this distinction for two reasons. First, this is the top thing from the 90s and Seth is in first right now. Secondly, this was one of the best things about the 90s that was sure not to last long. Seth you are top dog now. But I don’t see you holding on to that spot again after another week. Everyone was wanting to hit that after the "Hit me Baby One More Time" video came out, but now, who hasn't hit that? That video was one of the best ever made by the way. Maybe Seth can redeem himself, but Weisman is gonna need to step it up. 

Jake (.com Boom) – How many of you jumped on the jake.com stock the last couple of weeks only to see it bust this week? I’m not saying this team is Amazon or anything but I don’t see the receivers or Hyde putting up the kind of numbers they did during that 3 week or late 90’s stretch. You can easily see that Rod Smith is a more explosive back and could be taking carries away from Hyde. Hopefully for the stockholder/team’s sake the stock/team gets to 2012 prices in a hurry and skips the 2000-2008 years.

Haines (Dial-up Internet on a Windows 95 machine) – Fitting, in more than one way. Is there anything worse than that dial-up internet sound? Yes, it’s this team. This season has been more frustrating for this team than waiting for porn to download on dial up. Boy, those were bad times. Nothing is working correctly from Vandenburg to Hall to Davis. Whoops just lost connection, let me try to connect again..... Why did it make that sound?!

Heydinger (John Copper) – My apologies Heydinger, but there is no better description. John Copper had the best talent (save Florida St.) than any team in the country during his 90’s tenure with Ohio State. Yet, the man could never come out on top. I look at your team every week thinking you have the best team, but the #1 spot has eluded you all season. Your quarterbacks are your Michigan/Bowl Game, disappointing you every week. You are going to have to win at least one week this season or your starting offensive linemen are going to end up suing each other while half of your team refuses to attend any classes, ultimately leading to your demise.

And because this picture came up when searching for John Copper:

Knipp (Tom Emanski Commercial) – This commercial was a solid staple of 90’s, just like Knipp’s team has been this year, just solid. Power Hitters or hard throwers were never threatened by it, but the lessons could make a bad player an ok player. Similarly, the best teams in this league aren’t worried about this team, but he’s having an ok season. Don’t tell that to Fred McGriff though. He has been so impressed with this team, he gave them his full endorsement. I believe your team last year was tops in the intangibles department and now this year your tops in the fundamentals area. You may not have the talent to take down the top competition in this league but at least you’ll stay relevant.

 Luke (Saddam Hussein) – This character would just never go away in the 90’s much like Luke’s team. After you Gulf War him, he comes out of nowhere with a receiver taking 50 snaps a game at quarterback and a guy tearing it up at quarterback while only playing in his second game. He’s always pulling nuclear bombs out from somewhere and he has no problem dropping players or killing his own countrymen. Hopefully we eventually find him buried in a hole somewhere. As they say in South Park, the movie, “It’s been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars and the world is still glad to be rid of him.”

Schumann (Friends, that gay show) - People told me this show was supposed to be good. However, it was god awful. And when I looked at Schumann's team before the season started I thought it should have been good as well. Except it turned out to be a big cock tease like that terrible show (laugh track in the background). It's hard to determine which character is the most annoying just like its hard to determine which player for Schumann has been a bigger disappointment. I like the above picture though.

Farber (Unwarranted Erections) - We were all there in the 90's, puberty that is. Seth may have been there when he was 3, I'm not sure. As frustrating as the season has been for Farber, it hasn't been more frustrating than getting a hard on for no reason at all with 30 seconds left in Spanish class. "Just go away, you should not be here right now." No one on the team is doing much of anything but Burkhead is the base of that penis. 

Didn’t make the cut: The game MASH, VHS tapes, Goosebumps, Fun DIP, Bull Cuts, JNCO Jeans, Kevin McCallister, Starter Jackets, Crystal Clear Pepsi, Zubaz, Fred Durst, Monica Lewinsky Jokes, Blair Witch Project, Fax Machines, Cargo Pants, Baywatch, Fruit Stripe Gum, Writing in Cursive, Pagers, TGIF, Hardcore Rap, Pokemon, Beanie Babys, Creed, Macarena, Walkman, Zima, Newt Gingrinch, Vanilla Ice

Blast from the Past: See above.