2010

Preseason Power Rankings:

These were tough. All the teams look the same until you go through and rank each position on every team, and then some things jump off the page, especially in Knipp's team. And there are so many questions to start the season. Who is Penn St's QB; Who will carry the load for Purdue; Is Ohio St. really going to play 4 RB's; Is Dick Rod going to realize that you also have to play defense in football games; Who in the hell is Da'Jon McKnight? But anyway, here we go:

1. Heydinger - For the second time in history, Heydinger starts the season at #1. The first time didn't go well. Besides Kicker, I'm loving every player on his team.

2. Luke - For some reason, I always like Luke's teams. Being that Penn St. might never throw a pass the entire year (see Schumann), his RB's could have a monster season.

3. Seth - Congratulations you're not last. Although I almost put you there after drafting Brandon Wegher.

4. Schumann - He's not one RB back away, but he may be 3 WR's away. Word is Penn St's QB's are horrible, and who knows about Scheelhaase, so I don't see his WR's complying any big stats this year. If Penn St can get production at WR, I could see him winning this though.

5. Jake - It's tough to rank your own team preseason but I think it's solid until I realize my first two picks were NW's QB and Indiana's RB, and Michigan is my defense.

6. Knipp - How can you not have a starting RB on your team? Relying on Purdue for 3 straight seasons is a cause for concern too, or they might be really good. But I can't get past the RB thing.

7. Farber - Don't like the QB's or RB's, and with the reduction in WR points this year, Keith Smith is not as valuable as last year. Although Tiree Eure will probably have another monster season.

Week 1 Power Rankings:

Can’t tell a ton from Week 1, other than Denard Robinson is going to run a lot this year, and Larry Caper and Jewel Hampton might not. The rankings have changed a lot since everyone seemed almost even a week ago.

1. Jake – I’m loving my QB’s and RB’s at this point. Getting nothing out of my tight ends not what I am used to though

2. Heydinger – Still near the top of the rankings, cause I think he had several players that just had a down week.

3. Seth – The Adam Robinson pick looks like a winner right now. Although this team may be relying to heavily on just two players.

4. Schumann – This team’s stock is still rising. Even with Caper not playing, he will get solid production at RB, but needs a WR. But no way is he getting a #1 WR for Caper.

5. Luke – Tolzein and Royster won’t have weeks like that again, so no need for consternation Jan. But yet again he fails to live up to my expectations. Luke you are like the son that joins the marching band instead of playing sports.

6. Farber – Seems like he got some solid production and doesn’t have a horrible team, but Stanzi gets hurt all the time and that could be fatal.

7. Knipp – Robert Marve says it all. I’m going to get 2 yards into the end zone then half ass Reggie Bush leap even though my team looks awful, but hey I played for the U, so I’m expected to do stupid things. You get last for having this guy on your team. But Adam Weber had a better than expected week with 4 points. And even though your fantasy team sucks, Michigan looked pretty damn good this weekend, so that’s a feather in your cap.

Week 2 Power Rankings:

An unnamed team may have slipped me a 20 this weekend to buy himself a better ranking. Although I don’t think it was necessary. A key to this year may be how your team weathers a week where a lot your players have a bye. Team’s who had an Indiana player this week finished 4,5,6, & 7. In the end, it may come down to how your back ups do when your starters have a bye.

1. Schumann – I doubt I have ever named a Player of the Week, but Denard Robinson, are you serious. If he stays healthy, he will single handedly keep Schumann in contention.

2. Jake – 5th place this week with my #1 WR and #1 RB on bye week, I’ll take that.

3. Seth – I still don’t think this team can finish in the top 2, but the results speak for themselves. I don’t think any quarterback has ever had a better game going 12-28 passing.

4. Farber – May have jumped all the way up to 2 or 3 this week, but we are hours away from hearing if Keith Smith is done for the year.

5. Heydinger – I think I over estimated this team to start the season.

6. Knipp – Adam Weber can go fuck himself. Pretty good week, this team may be on the rise.

7. Luke – 2 points, 2 points? Penn St.’s running game has to get better, right?

Week 3 Power Rankings:

After a big week of scoring, next week may be awful due to every team playing an absolute dog. Players who play on teams with bad defenses will probably be the only ones putting up big numbers this next week. We’re starting to see who the good players are and I expect a lot of trade talks in the coming weeks.

1. Jake – Got solid production out of a lot of different players. Hopefully, that’s a sign of good things to come.

2. Seth – Starting to give a little more love to this team. I think he does have a chance to win now.

3. Schumann – Moved down a little this week thanks to a missed fg. He would have finished 3rd. With Illinois on a bye week, don’t expect him to finish near the top the rankings again next week.

4. Heydinger – Looking at this team, it still looks like the best players and still has a great shot at winning this. Can’t afford to fall to far behind in the coming weeks though.

5. Knipp – The clear cut 5th best team in the league, but when your best players are your kicker and defense that usually doesn’t work out too well.

6. Luke – Showed a little bit of pulse this week. I still can’t believe Royster is doing what he is doing and still expect this team to move up, a little.

7. Farber – I don’t like anything about this team right now. That defense and special teams can’t continue to put up points like they are, and that’s the only bright spot for this team.

Week 4 Power Rankings:

After a ridiculous week of scoring, the real season starts next week. Now we’ll start to see who the real threats to win the league are. This week’s PR’s suck, I don’t know where to rank anyone except Seth. Purdue is the bye week, pretty much no one rely’s on that team for any points, so that’s not going to affect the rankings.

1. Seth – Who else would be #1. That’s a record that may never be broken. Crazy week.

2. Jake – This is a very distant 2nd. Only 102 points this week with no players on bye, not good.

3. Heydinger – Clay will start to put up bigger numbers, now that big 10 play starts and if the Marquies Gray thing happens, this team will be moving up.

4. Schumann – Drops another spot this week, because Illinois is on bye again (they play OSU) and since his best player never learned how to tie his shoes (I guarantee that’s why he doesn’t tie them) I can’t believe he isn’t very close to a season ending injury.

5. Luke – I feel like he’s still on his way up. When Wisc and MSU play it is usually like 38-35, so I see a lot of points out of Tolzein and Bell this week.

6. Farber – Last week I said I like nothing about this team. But, I forgot how well Sanzenbacher plays against bad competition (check last years games).

7. Knipp – I’m thinking Adam Webber will begin his 3 point weeks now. So, this team might be done.

Week 5 Power Rankings:

I have a feeling the scores from week to week are going to be a lot tighter this year than last year when Knipp wiped the floor with everyone else. I see a lot of trade talks in the coming weeks without very many trades actually being done. And I think Farber is about 2 weeks away from throwing in the towel for the season. Denard went crazy again but I think some of those numbers are about to change…

1. Jake – It’s a great week when your #1 WR and #1 RB play Michigan, and your QB plays Minnesota.

2. Seth – Pryor had a down week and Iowa’s off next week, so another week of low scores is coming up, but still a top 2 team.

3. Schumann – How long can one player keep scoring half of your points? Michigan has 7 games left, 6 are against defenses in the top 32 in the nation. The previous best defense they faced was #44. However, Illinois’ players will start performing better so that might make up for it.

4. Knipp – I don’t know if there is a post season award for “Team made fun of the most, but actually has a decent team” but Knipp would win it this year. I mean seriously his team isn’t bad, even with a guy named Gary Gilliam on it.

5. Heydinger – I’m going to steal a segment from the Forde Yard Dash and put out an APB for DeVier Posey. This team is more disappointing than Schumann’s dislike for the Ryder Cup.

6. Luke – Switch Posey for Royster and repeat the previous response.

7. Farber – 92 points this week and will get zero points at QB next week. Things aren’t looking good. 

The Make Fun of Schumann Week 6 Power Rankings:

 We’re in the part of the season where doing power rankings is becoming tedious. But thanks to Schumann, it made this week a little more fun…Not one team has held the top spot in the rankings two weeks in a row yet, and that trend continues. Just an awful week of scoring, if you finished near the top this week you had to feel very fortunate. Schumann got a little over-confident this week, played without a kicker, and said, “my team is on the field.”

1. Seth – Handled Iowa’s bye week like a champ and finished 2nd thanks to the rest of the league not doing a god damn thing.

2. Schumann – I have a hard time putting a team in second that didn’t bother to pick up a kicker this week, but hey it only cost you $10 this week, and four points overall, and first place in the league and power rankings, and possibly $200 at the end of the year, and jokes at your expense a year from now such as “remember when Schumann didn’t pick up a kicker and he lost at the end of year by 3 points.” Is that enough or should I keep going.

3. Jake – I’m feeling another bad week coming on with Persa’s bye and relying on Tolzein to score points against Ohio St.

4. Luke – Doing what I thought he would do most of the year and that is finish first. That trade wasn’t huge but it managed to get you first this week.

5. Knipp – Henry did a lot better than I thought but when 2 of your receivers were trying to catch passes from Chappell this week, things weren’t gonna turn out well.

6. Heydinger – Speaking of Chappell, nice game. I have a feeling Ohio St’s D will do the same to Clay this week.

7. Farber – This team is fini…oh, I won’t say it yet, but maybe next week.

8. Schumann – Ya, he also gets 8th out of 7 for reasons previously stated. If I win this league and beat you by 3 points, I’m going to order an expensive scotch in front of you the next time we’re at a bar and say thanks for the $170. I’d probably give you a taste though.

Angry Week 7 Power Rankings:

1. Seth – Once upon a time Ohio St. and Iowa were loaded at RB, now it seems each team only has one, and Seth owns both of them.

2. Schumann – A very distant 2nd.

3. Heydinger – Devier Posey is becoming one of my least favorite Buckeyes.

4. Knipp – I should put you last for owning Ohio St’s special teams.

5. Jake – My team sucks.

6. Luke – Thought the Mich St. – Ill game would put up bigger #’s than that.

7. Farber – Team is finished.

Week 8 Power Rankings:

I woke up a half hour early today, so I could put a good effort into the rankings this week. It’s becoming clear that Seth is having one of the luckiest seasons we will ever see. Or maybe he has been sandbagging the past couple years and he just knew DaJon McKnight and Herron and Robinson were going to become their respective teams only WR or RB. Either way I just got 37 points out of my defense and lost, so I’m not real happy. Pretty much a one team league at this point. Like last year, there will be a battle for second.

1. Seth – Ass.

2. Schumann – Still the second best team; assuming Denard comes back healthy. And even though Iowa’s fg team cost them the big ten title this weekend, they still managed 6 fantasy points. Yay fantasy.

3. Heydinger – A horrible week from Chappell and he still managed 16 points. Still has a great shot at second place.

4. Jake – If Persa would stop getting sacked 8 times a game that would be great. I’m looking at his stats Saturday: In the first quarter 8 rushes for 38 yards. Third quarter 16 rushes, 39 yards.

5. Knipp – I’d love to see a stat on highest percent of points coming from a defense. I’m guessing Knipp would destroy that record this week. But Henry’s 4 pts were about 10 more than I thought he would get.

6. Luke – The second member of the Finished Club this year. Great season Luke, you can expect your participation award in the mail in the coming weeks.

7. Farber – Probably his best week of season. Things are looking up for this club. Maybe a 6th place finish will give him some momentum going into next season.

Week 9 Power Rankings:

I’d like to start out this week with a quote from my high school football coach after my first game as a sophomore in which we lost 47-6: “Some of you are full of shit….Some of you are full of shit….Some of you are full of shit.” We’ll get to that in a minute. But, barring several injuries to key players this thing is all but over. Seth is simply outclassing everyone. Even though Luke had a great week this week, he is about to make history in the Power Rankings:

1. Seth – Things on my mind before I saw the standings: “Seth had a really shit week this week.” After the standings: “…and he still finished 3rd.”

2. Schumann – I really don’t see how Schumann won’t finish in second even though he has the narrowest of leads at this point.

3. Heydinger – Seems like Heydinger manages to put together a team that never finishes first or last in a given weeks standings every year. So, Kudos on your mediocrity.

4. Jake – It’s come to my attention that I no longer have a running back on my team. I picked up a guy named Silas Redd, who sounds like a racist criminal from a 1950’s novel.

5. Knipp – At this point Knipp has to have the worst team to never finish in last place. It just shows that his previous statements about his team’s intangibles was correct. That’s what being a good fantasy owner is all about.

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7. Farber – Almost mathematically eliminated at this point, and I’m pretty sure hasn’t read a single email in past 3 weeks and probably doesn’t even know who is on his team.

As for those of us full of shit and banned from this week’s Power Rankings:

Luke – Here’s a sequence of events for you:

            *After seeing last week’s standings, I determine Luke needs to pick up 5+ points on Seth every week from here on.

            *I state that Luke has no shot at winning.

            *Luke has the best fantasy week of his life

            *Seth has one of the worst weeks of the season

            *Luke only picks up 3 points on Seth, well below what he needs to do.

            *Luke makes statements implying that he still has a chance.

            *I ban someone from Power Rankings for the first time ever.

Next week is the Special Edition of Power Rankings!!!

Week 10 Special Edition Power Rankings 

Welcome back Luke, we missed you last week. But let that be a lesson to you. Something of note: 3 teams had a significant change to their life this summer, two got married and one had a child, and they are the 3 of the worst teams in the league. There has to be something to that… Now, on to this week and my favorite week of the year. These rankings were done last week with some last minute changes after the asses at Illinois and Michigan decided not to game plan on defense. Ever since last year’s special edition, I’ve been thinking about what to do for this year. At first I wanted to compare every team to a woman, whether it be an actress or model, etc. For instance, Seth would have been Bar Refaeli who I believe to be the hottest woman in the history of the world; and Heydinger would have been a Jennifer Garner type because society tells us she is supposed to be hot but upon further inspection that is not the case. Next, I wanted to compare teams to characters from Arrested Development, but that would have been lost on most, instead I’m comparing teams to some of my favorite Seinfeld characters:

1. Seth (Jerry) – Who else would he be. Seth, like Jerry, has been the main character in our league this season, the leader, “you’re the straw that stirs the drink, you’re the miana.” Which is interesting because he’s the main actor, yet he is the worst actor that has ever been on the show. And some might say Seth has been the worst fantasy player over the history of our league. By some I mean me. He’s probably more concerned about cereal and superman than he is his fantasy team, but it doesn’t matter, because he is making more bank than anyone else, and that’s all that matters. He might even make enough to buy his parents a Cadillac.

2. Schumann (Newman) – I’m doubting anyone wants to be compared to “Newman!” But no one has seen Seth (Jerry) as a bigger nemesis the entire season than Schumann. He absolutely hated my higher than average preseason ranking for Seth and has been hating on him ever since. He seems to be just one stupid mistake every week from having Seth right where he wants him like having a Millenium party and not inviting Jerry, but scheduling it for the wrong year or not picking up a kicker when he freely had a chance. Newman’s highest point on the show was the last episode when the gang went to jail, and schumann’s highest point was this week and he likely had a quote like this upon seeing the standings this week: 

Alright! But hear me & hear me well! The day will come! Oh yes, mark my words Seth! Your day of reckoning is coming! When an evil wind will blow through your little play world and whip that smug smile off your face! And I'll be there, in all my glory watching! Watching, as it all comes crumbling down!

3. Jake (George/Art Vandelay) – Reason #1 – My team has taken on two different personalities this season. There’s the very successful, very balanced, very accomplished architect in me, Art Vandelay. The one where I’ve got 1st place 3 times and second a couple of times. Then there’s the paranoid, can’t hold a job, hates my life, short, stocky, slow witted, bald man in me, George Costanza. The one where I break the record for least amount of points in a week, and finish last or second to last 4 times. Reason #2 – When I look at the players on my team and compare the number of weeks I’ve gotten 1st, it reminds me of the girls George dates. He dates some pretty hot girls for how much a loser he is, and I’ve won an incredible amount of times for how shitty my team is. There is no explanation for either. And overall, sometimes I think my team is awesome and I’m very confident:

Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it.

And sometimes I think my team sucks:     

               I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all! 

4. Luke (Frank Costanza) – This was the hardest one to do and needed to be changed last minute (see last paragraph). I really wanted Frank Costanza in here. Frank didn’t have much of a role early in the show much like Luke didn’t the first two weeks of the season, finishing last. However, he slowly climbed his way into a recurring character and Luke is usually a top 3 team every week now. One has flash backs to cooking in the war and the other has flashbacks to a time when Evan Royster was a great fantasy player. Neither is afraid to call anyone out. Luke once called the Power Rankings creator and Frank once called out George Steinbrenner:

“What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for? He had 30 homeruns, over 100 RBI last year. He’s got a rocket for an arm. You don’t know what the hell you’re doing.” 

5. Heydinger (Bob Cobb or The Maestro) – Like I stated in my introduction, I had Heydinger #1 in my preseason rankings. So, his team seems to be a little overrated, much like The Maestro. He’s a conductor so he must be very cultured and intelligent and a musical genius? Wrong. As stated by this quote:

Elaine: I'm gonna take this to the Maestro. He's, he's playing at the Queens Convalescent Center.

Jerry: That’s a hell of a gig.

This gig and his other gig at the Policeman’s Benevolent Ball spell loser to me. I don’t know if Heydinger takes his pants off before he sits down or has a house in Tuscany but his performance took a hit when Hampton got hurt; much like the Maestro’s performance did when he broke his conductor’s stick.

6.Knipp (Kruger) – Like Knipp, Kruger is the head of a company that has no clue:

According to our latest quarter..thing..Kruger Industrial Smoothing is heading into the red…or the black…or whatever the bad one is…any thoughts?

But somehow like Kruger’s company, Knipp’s team manages to somehow stay viable and a float. Kruger’s company hired one of the worst employees ever in George Costanza, just like Knipp drafted some of the worst players ever. But he’s handled it well and hasn’t complained. Just like Kruger’s response when he found out the R fell off the outside of his building which had his name on it:        

               K-uuuuuuger. K-uuuuuuuger

7. Farber (Bob Sacamano) – Bob Sacamano has to be one of the most well liked characters on Seinfeld, much like Farber is well liked in our league. But the problem is Bob Sacamano never makes an appearance or has a line in the entire show. Also much like Farber. They are both just kind of referred to. There has really been no reason to even suggest Farber has a team this season. He’s been at the bottom almost every week, and aside from needing him to vote or finish a 5 team trade he really hasn’t made an appearance. But Bob Sacamano does have several funny references:

Botched hernia operation so has a high pitched voice; Had shock treatment, but no affect b/c synapses too large; Job at condom company, he’s from Jersey; He had rabies; Stayed with Kramer for a year and a half; Had a party; Sells Russian hats down in Battery Park for $40; On phone with Kramer before he slips and falls in mud; His father lives in Florida, and can get deals on Wizards, but are really Willards; He made a fortune off of those (the paddle with the ball and the rubber band); He came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away.

Amended due to recent success:

6. Luke (Jimmy) – Jimmy was a character that loved himself, even though no one else did. But Jimmy had a problem. Jimmy had no job, and Jimmy had a broken leg. And Jimmy talked in the 3rd person too much. And Luke thinks his team still is gonna win this thing. But Luke’s not going to. Jimmy broke his leg and it took food off of Jimmy’s plate. Luke’s broken leg is Evan Royster. He was supposed to be the cornerstone to Luke’s team, but instead he was the downfall.

Ooohhh!!!!! JIMMY'S DOWN.

Week 11 Power Rankings

Knipp and Heydinger picked up their participation awards this week. This race isn’t over yet with Ohio St. and Iowa surely playing a low scoring game next week, that would spell a very low week for Seth. However, Persa is out for the year, and I don’t know what the deal is with Denard, so maybe Seth has it wrapped up. 

1. Seth – Still holding strong in the top spot and barring a disaster still looking like our winner.

2. Jake – A Pyrrhic Victory for me this week. My best player is done, but hopefully Persa’s backup or Tolzein can put a couple good weeks together.

3. Schumann – Drops down because his best player seems to only play the first half of games anymore, and with Mich’s last two games vs. Wisc and Ohio St’s Def, I don’t see a ton of points coming from him.

4. Heydinger – Typical 4th place finish this. Can maybe still hope for second if Clay can come back healthy.

5. Knipp – Another great week by the Defense alongside another mediocre team performance.

6. Luke – This team was on fire, but this was a demoralizing week.

7. Farber – Yaaaay. 6th place this week. 

Week 12 Power Rankings:

This week’s rankings indicate how I think the final standings will come out. That is the reason I still have Seth in first place, otherwise he would have been 3rd or 4th. Seth, are you sweating yet? You’ve managed just 10 points in the last three weeks. Three weeks ago, I thought this was going to be the most boring finish to fantasy league ever, but I’m going to be completely wired on Saturday and when Illinois plays Fresno. I’m considering starting rumors that leshoure received payments to attend Illinois.

1. Seth – I still think he’s gonna win, because I don’t see big weeks out of Seth or myself. But, Seth, don’t kill yourself if you end up blowing this. 

2. Schumann – I can see Cameron Heyward ringing Denard’s bell in the first quarter and knocking him out, but I can also see him piling up a bunch of yards in the 4th quarter if the game is out of reach. So, I’m not totally sure where to go. 

3. Jake – I’m a Dan Persa away from declaring myself the winner. That being said, I don’t think I have a real shot anymore.

4. Knipp – I hope your defense scores about 35 points this week, and your kicker is about 8/8 on XP’s.

5. Heydinger – Another remarkable season.

6. Luke – I can see Luke joining some Big Ten Fantasy Insider website, to avenge this season’s showing.

7. Farber – Still going to finish last, but building some real momentum going into next season. Too bad that doesn’t mean dick in fantasy. 

Final Power Rankings:

Well, it’s been a great season. There were probably more injuries and rule disputes and surprises this year than any other. It came down to the final week, which is want everyone wanted; and I won, which is what everyone wanted. At least to me, this has been the most memorable season we have had thus far. One final thought, I would love it if we established a website. Does anyone have any experience doing this?

1. Jake – I imagine the pick up of Montee Ball and the points he got in the final four weeks will be talked about for years. The series of events that had to happen in order for me to win was nothing short of a miracle. I feel like the 2002 Buckeyes.

2. Schumann – One kicker? One god damn kicker? In 17 years when we have our draft in Vegas, I hope this topic is still brought up. Really couldn’t catch too many breaks late in the season, and even got boned out of $10 at the end. But this team had a hell of season, and I’m sure we can agree Denard Robinson might be the best draft pick in league history.

3. Knipp – How this team ended up 4th in the final standings is amazing to me. In the post season awards, I hope this team gets some kind of Wes Welker award for getting the most out of what little talent they had.

4. Seth – Falls all the way to fourth for a dreadful last few weeks. This title was wrapped up three weeks ago. Has anyone talked to Seth lately to make sure he didn’t take his own life?

5. Heydinger – Finished the season in typical fashion, a fourth place finish. I thought he drafted better than everyone, but could not get a breakout season from any one on his team.

6. Luke – A dreadful start and death penalty of a first round pick in Evan Royster pretty much ended his season after the first two weeks. I’d imagine his trip to every Big Ten team’s spring games is already booked.

7. Farber – Well, what can you say? Never really had a chance this year and is gonna need a better effort in offseason workouts.