2012 FCL Week 05

Tropical temperatures figured heavily in some extraordinary cricket this weekend; the highest scoring so far. While others may have wilted, there were no cowboy ducks in any team this weekend.

The Saturday XI's first valid home fixture at Winford against Nailsea 3rds saw the first evidence of Fantasy rehabilitation for Garnier, beginning with beer for all, a source of short hydrocarbons to fuel the day's gas requirements & the first phase of liquid asset revenue recuperation under severely dehydrating skies. After that it was a matter of time before the pheasants succumbed to the swinging drugged fruit, but first Nailsea tried to make the best of conditions & a one man deficiency by sending the cowboys out to field in the heat. In the wicketless opening spell Joe was economical, but Rob earned himself a fine & some negative fantasy balance coming up the hill, & slips to silver in the bowler MVP standings, as the foe made good progress until The Methane Tornado appeared coming down the hill to blow away the top order. In the most successful fantasy spell of bowling so far this season Garnier brought in 4 for 14 off his full 8 overs & scored 78 points in the field, before also earning the MoM & win points for a total of 133 & Saturday's MVP. At the other end Tim Taylor bowled his 8 overs with a maiden & took 4 for 15, virtually concluding the Nailsea batting & gaining 82 fantasy fielding points. Steve O made 49 points for this weekend's performance; retaining his best value all rounder position, but slipping to bronze in the all rounder MVPs; he got a catch & with the ball he & Iggy were frugal enough & both finished with positive fielding points. Kahlu reinforced his leading all rounder & MVP place when he appeared for 2 balls, took a wicket with the second & didn't concede a run, finishing the job with Nailsea all out for 86 in the 33rd over. In reply Rich Grove avoided consecutive fantasy ducks but was out shortly thereafter, followed later by Ev & then Iggy for small scores, but Ben made 23 batting points, mostly in 4s, at the other end before being 4th out with the score still on 48 giving him 48 for the weekend & the last recognised fantasy non-bowler/keeper arriving at the crease. Then within the space of a few overs the game was all but home & Kahlu had hit 6 4s, a 6 and a single run (error surely?), scoring a total of 72.33 for the weekend, leaving him on 299.33 for the season so far & on top of the overall MVP & All Rounder rankings. All that remained was for some responsible not out bonuses from Tim & Gretch to make the game safe & bring it home by 5 wickets. Everyone gets their 25 point bonus for the win, but having gathered another catch Gretch repeated his joint silver keeping performance to the point, with another 59 taking him into the outright lead as MVP & bargain keeper & Tim brought back the second best performance for a bowler this season, following closely in the wake of the Methane Tornado, & ends the match with 118 points all in, becoming MVP bowler in the process on 248.

On Sunday it was 32ºC getting into the car & the evil plan was hatched at Frenchay before the arrival of Harptree Villages as the tarp covering the ground equipment was converted with no little ingenuity into an awning in front of the hut to shelter the ruthless cowboys while they anticipated the psychological destruction of their foe. Out at the Hadean wicket the mortal blow was struck as the Harptree captain was clearly intimidated into calling wrongly & promptly started to lose, with the admission that they had wanted to bat first & only had 10 players. They were never to recover, the awning could remain & the running could begin; we would go crazy 2 at a time then return (somewhat) regenerated but they would all go crazy together. Justin & Bolts went out in high temperature mode, the pitch was hirsute & elastic & there were plenty of quick 1s, 2s & 3s, some with better odds than others, but all ultimately successful as the fielders gradually rose to the boil & the opening bowlers refused to accept any early c&b offers from Justin. After 10 overs, scoring at 5s both openers were both well through the wall & into the opiate zone where dreams come true. Then with the opening bowler seen off Bolts started to lose the plot & hit boundaries, a sure sign of weakness, confirmed as he got out slashing a short wide one (tm) to a deep gulley for a jug evading 46 batting points, just at the point when their young gently inswinging Harry was about to fall apart completely. Never mind, Mark came in & got to work in earnest, but all too soon he too had lost the plot & was almost exclusively dealing in boundaries, making 40 run points off 42 balls before it became go for broke time & missed a straight one, again from young Harry. At this point the seeds of madness had been well & truly sewn & it just remained to see how it would unfold; there were enough fresh supplies of shaded cowboys under the awning to execute the plan & Martin even put on some sunscreen to avoid whiting out while he was sunbathing in the sunny patch just next to the shelter. Omar came in & quickly learned something of the perils of missing an advance on a slow bowler when the keeper is up & then after the second drinks at 30 overs Justin promptly got his bonus points for 50 (cheers for the jug Kass) & gloved an inswinging riser to the keeper to become the 3rd victim of so nearly disintegrated Harry. At which point RT2 smote 17 points including a smashing 6 from 12 balls, before mistiming a waist high (yet still legal!) full bunger down onto his stumps. By the time Duncan arrived they had done plenty of fetching, but during his stand with Matt Caven the Furies persued them back into Hades. Scoring mainly through baseball swings at chest high curve balls Matt added another 25 run points from 17 legitimate deliveries, but the fare of exhausted long hops & wobbly donkey drops continued until mercifully the 40 overs was up. Not, however, before the weekly run out, in which Andy C nobly sacrificed himself in a case of mistaken identity or mystical crossing; either way, Harptree no longer seemed to mind & Duncan proceded to grind it in, running wholeheartedly with Jeff, earning them both not out bonuses & bringing the cowboys through to our current Frenchay record 256 for 7.

After tea the cowboys enjoyed a very nice relaxed evening in the outdoor air during which scoreboard pressure played some cricket & won a match & Jeff entertained everybody with his new circus routine.

Captain Pete came out with Unsure to open the Harptree batting & while Pete hung around reaching but missing for a while as Jeff warmed up his gymnastics to stuff from Omar that no-one could touch, Unsure soon nicked one behind from Duncan making Jeff send his body one way & his hand the other, but great keepers make it look easy & Jeff was just getting loose. The close fielders proliferated as batsman 3 entered what was becoming magically realised as an arena of terror, couldn't get anywhere near Omar but called for a helmet anyway, but really they just wanted to go home. Duncan continued to evade the proferred edge of both lefties as Rob T2 came on at the bouncy end & got an early nervous fend to Matt who cradled it comfortably flat out forwards in the gulley. The next batsman came out sinsiter, facing the wrong way with his hands back to front, until he changed his gloves, but his superstitious precautions held no sway & once RT2 was suitably primed, was soon yorked, followed by another nervous fend for a ultraslowmo loop to Wilko at slip next ball, putting RT2 on a hat trick, but their gritty keeper was determined not to succumb. Despite soon suffering a solid blow to the back of the elbow from our tame psychopath fuzzythesheep; he swiped wildly in an adrenal mist for a few balls afterwards, but then settled into a more peaceful state of semi-immobilised acceptance which saw him through to an unbeaten 50 at the end of the innings, scoring largely off directed aerial fends over & backward of gulley but somehow evading all attempts at capture. Dean came on with an attacking, determined & confident attitude starting with a maiden & then suckering Captain Pete with the quicker one. Martin commanded unprecedented respect for 7 miserly overs of assorted improvisations, including 2 maidens, while at the other end RT2 got their sole solid biffer to spin a dolly up to Justin at short cover point, thereby finishing virtually all their successful attempts at attacking shots. After their neurotic umpire had been reassured that RT2 was now being muzzled, having completed his 8 overs on a blatantly life-threatening in-the-second-innings pitch with 4 wickets & a maiden, Andy C got a go with the failure of Martin's slower full toss idea and shortly won a LBW appeal relieving the batsman, & allowing for the entry of young Harry, precious & beloved son of the neurotic umpire, to the arena of death. He swished at Andy C a few times then hit one up in the air into no-man's-land & foolishly took a single to get to the other end. Neurotic umpire was then horrified to find that Voltan the merciless' purely symbolic muzzling of fuzzythesheep had only meant the cruel & heartbreaking return of Omar the deadly. A few balls later & Omar had his just reward coming off a short smooth run with a nice slow fend to said fuzzy fielding somewhere behind in the general slip area. But that was all; death was slow & by 129 runs but all pain had long since been transformed into resigned surreal phantasmagoria; Duncan appealed to something from the underworld but was again denied & finished his quota with 4 maidens & 1 for 11, his 23 not out & controlled bowling getting into the big points with 106 & beginning his challenge in earnest in the tough All Rounder class. Again everyone got their 25 for the win & there were plenty of useful scores in this game. Martin was the least well rewarded but still got his melanocytes up & running & gets you 38, Andy C adds another 45 & consolidates bronze overall best bargain & silver bargain all rounder, Omar made 47 & stays in bronze for bowler MVP on 200, while Dean brings long lost joy to his selectors & heads substantially in the right direction with 48. Jeff makes 55 for his not out 5 runs & catch plus lots of fans for his acrobatics, but the bigger scores came with a bit of batting. Matt adds another 65 with his catch & 25 homers, Bolts 71 & bronze batsman performance & Mark 80 for his catch & 40. But what a lovely day to be in admin. RT2's catch, bezerker 17 & sociopathic fantasy bowling success brings him 119 with this season's bronze performance in the AR class so far, making him bronze value all rounder, moving straight into silver for overall & All Rounder MVP on 286.67. Justin's 140 ranks as the bronze performance overall so far & silver batsman performance, with 245 boosting him into gold for batsman MVP & silver for batting value.

The Sunday 2nds won the toss at Backwell Flax Bourton & chose to bat which was a task they completed with great resolution. There were a couple of low but increasingly respectable scores from Nelly, DC1, Dave H & later Alex Hooper, but none could stay with Grant, who remained steadfast for virtually the whole innings before being bowled for 24. Wayne finished on 16, with a not out bonus along with Stroddy & at tea the target to defend was 128 for 7. Latest new cowboy Alfie Baker didn't get to bat but got a wicket in an opening 5 over spell & will become available for selection on June 11th, while Wayne had no success with the ball this weekend, but made 32 overall nonetheless & remains in bronze position amonst bowler bargains. James bought a breakthrough wicket but only had a couple of overs & Reg took the "classy" catch to keep him ticking over & to compensate for his latest swish with the bat (it is uncertain at this scale to determine whether the scoring progression is arithmetic or geometric but it should become clear in a couple of weeks). All the bowling options conceded runs at penalty rates but it seems to be an over of DC2 which their batting rather enjoyed the most, leaving our local weed thief scoring nothing yet still somehow rated the best bargain bowler. Still leading the shame charts Stroddy's redemptive progress into positive points continued however with 39 for the weekend & a wicket off his 3 overs bringing a similarly redemptive catch for Nelly, who scores 34, but by then the game was virtually up & BFB secured the points by 3 wickets at the end of the 19th. MoM for his epic durability this weekend is Grant Boycott scoring 64 points & moving into bronze for value batsman.


MVP (Most Valuable Player):

This Week:

1st: Justin Avery 140 points

2nd: Rich Garner 133 points

3rd: Rob Taylor 119 points


1st: Kahlu Kumara 299.33 points

2nd: Rob Taylor 286.67 points

3rd: Tim Taylor 248 points

Opportunist Bagsnatchers of the Week:

1st: DC2 0 points

2nd: Alex Hooper 14 points

3rd: DC1 22 points

Dodgy Dave's Totally Valid Team of the Week:

Justin Avery* 280 £11Bn

Neil Boulton 71 £11Bn

Grant Forrester 64 £6Bn

Matt Caven 65 £6Bn

Rob Taylor 119 £11Bn

Duncan Brewood 106 £10Bn

Steve Ormesher 49 £7Bn

Andy Chester 45 £6Bn

Gretch Eller 59 £8Bn

Tim Taylor 118 £14Bn

Rich Garner 133 £10Bn

Total: 1109 £100Bn

There may be better teams out there, as this one has been picked by inspection rather than calculus, so there's a challenge. Bolts was lucky to get in this week ahead of our more expensive subs & Dean just missed out on the team, by a point or a £Bn, depending on how you look at it. Stroddy, Nelly & Jeff, Ben & Omar were also knocking on the door. For the allstar aristocracy this week there would be no place for Old Ned or Andy C, but in a shock move, they would keep Gretch as an orthodox keeper & bring in a different pair of all rounders, staying with the legitimate 4-4-1-2, batting heavy formation. Primarily for his batting & to catch at slip, Mark Wilkinson would bring 80 points for his £13Bn & Kahlu would be there too as usual, with his nasty fast legspin & tree-directed smitings adding another 72.333 for his £15Bn. So the team would cost £115Bn but it would score an extra 48.333 points, i.e., 1157.333 our highest weekly score so far.

Trophy Tracker:

League Standings:

1st: Horny Mofos 2145 points

2nd: Himalayan Monkshoods 2137 points

3rd: The Rhinestones 2085 points

Ev's Horny Mofos scored 637 this weekend & return to the top of the table on 2145 as last week's leaders, Dainty's Netball Berds only manage 386 & slip to 7th on 1990, while 3 Not Out lose ground further still, slipping into 30th on 1778 after managing only 320. Best scorers of the week were Vivian & the DTs, managed by Dave Toole, who we believe deserves additional congratulations on recently becoming Mr Dave Toole. Scoring 850 with a team featuring 6 of Dodgy Dave's picks & one of our allstar subs as captain, they now sit in 18th on 1881. Most significant movers of the weekend however were Erika's anagrammatic Ebony Sow Coats whose 835 take them from the lower depths right up into a competitive 29th spot with 1810. This weekend's 3rd highest scorers are the leading admin entry, J's Himalayan Monkshoods, who now lie just 8 points off the top of the table in silver position after another strong weekend of 824 brings them to 2137. Andy C's Rhinestones have also been pretty consistent, so 765 for them this week takes them into bronze position on 2085.

Matt Noodles' Leisure Squad now lie 25th on 1840 after this weekend's 4th best score of 812; Stroddy's Bat Shit Mental make 739 & sit just outside the prizes in 4th with 2045, while Ben's Smashed It CC make a strong return with 778 & now lie 5th on 2022. TomT2's Tucker's Allstars scored 781 & move up to 8th on 1945, while Gretch's All Creased Up hit 741 & occupy 6th on 2012. Dunc's Otis McGraw's Blue XI finally come good with 751 & are now 27th on 1818, as Bolt's 'Beauties' make 749 & move up into 32nd on 1773. With 736, Ev's Perpetual Underachievers make the 12th best score of the week & move off the bottom & all the way into 62nd on 1454.

Spare a thought for DC1 this week. Here is a man in need of a win. After a weekend scoring 324 Pat's Funeral XI now sit 69th on 1184 as Bristol Cowboys made 243 to give them 973 overall & a firm 70th.

Come on Cowboys!

Team of the week might have to be Vivian & the DTs except their manager's been effectively absent from scoring (barring picks for rain-offs) since the beginning of the season, although some might see this as all the more reason for the award, but coming from so far behind I'd be more inclined to give it to Ebony Sow Coats, particularly bearing in mind their fundamentally subversive choice of captain for the weekend!