2012 Match 14th May - Sunday 1s vs Stothert & Pitt

Fielding

In order of batting appearance here are some notes and comments

Justin Avery - £11Bn - Batsman

Points scored: 13

Comments: Scored 3 run so avoided the deadly duck that would have cost him 15 points and put him in the negative for this game. Said he was starting to feel good out there.

Verdict: Still difficult to tell at this point

? Not good, familiar, as in, not entirely alien. Then clink, beaten by the best ball of the game, & to be fair the ball did emerge from out of a background of very red hair. And my digestive system was still working on that enormously generous tea. And this was all taking place at a time when their bowlers were particularly full of energy & accuracy, just for a brief while.

Neil Boulton - £11Bn - Batsman

Points scored: 59

Comments: Took a regulation catch at square leg and set about the run chase well. Looked, for the most part, composed until a late call led to Duncan being run out. This apparently scrambled his brain and he was out soon after.

Verdict: Seems to be batting well and backs himself to be in catching positions so may take a few this year

Don't accuse him of looking composed, you know it just makes him worse. According to the play-cricket stats (which unfortunately can't get their heads round infinity) Volts currently holds the cowboys highest batting average for 2012. Don't knock it; not that he's revelling in this emphemeral, once in a lifetime event or anything, but he's extremely proud of this fact. Congratulate him quick while it's still true.

Batting

Mark Wilkinson - £13Bn - Allrounder

Points scored: -8

Comments: Not a game to write home about for Wilko, he took no wickets and went for a shade under 5 an over so lost 3 points. Unluckily knocked a short ball down into his stumps without scoring and so lost 15 more and ended the game in the negative.

Verdict: Cricket is a cruel sport, Fantasy Cricket doubly so. Proven performer who had a bad game.

Oh, misere!

* this includes the 10 points earned for playing in a loss

**including 30 points for winning the MOM award

If this had been your fantasy XI for the week, you would have scored 303 basic points, & with Bolts as captain, 362.

General match notes:

Stothert & Pitt batted first and reached a score of 237 with two strong contributions of 93 and 67 on a surprisingly dry pitch.

In reply the Cowboys lost wickets regularly, Omar provided some entertainment with a quick 31 and Bolts scored a stubborn 34 but another Cowboy collapse saw us all out for 108.

link to the full scorecard

But you don't have to take our word for it. Here's our correspondent Duncan's report:

Sunday 1st crushing defeat

At long long last, the cricket season had become a reality by the 2nd weekend in May.

I was beginning to ponder the notion of getting through to June without so much as a soggy squib of a start. But no, the erstwhile timid sun roared out as if it had never been away and the Sunday 1sts meandered into the field, Bolts having won the toss on what was expected to be a tricky batting track.

An early wicket LBW (!!!!) to Omar who also ensured a slow scoring rate from Stothert and Pitt made sense of this decision, but a correct, skilled and clever number three soon began to build a very good partnership via cuts and well timed pushes. The early inroad was not followed up, mainly due to the good batting but unfortunately down to a drop by Andy C., obviously distracted if not terrified by Martin's exceedingly loud and historically premature celebration.

The fielding had been of a decent standard though not stunning. Bowling likewise by the unfortunate but steady Martin, brisk medium paced Andy C., unusually unsuccessful Mark W and VC Deano. Until, that is, RT2 started a second spell which ripped through the middle order consisting mainly of nervous looking yoofs. But an old and familiar cricketing story of a big hitting no 8 began to rear it's ugly head after this burst of Cowboy dominance, also including Jonsey's LBW wicket (HUZZAH! HUZZAH!).

5x6's and 5x4's plus a few dodgy singles later, the S&P innings had waded through 8 different bowlers, accumulating a rather larger than expected 237 on what was actually a good batting wicket. Hmmmmm??

S&P then stuffed 90% of the sandwiches before we got a look in, leaving the munchy-attacked smoking latecomers somewhat bereft of sustenance, much to their annoyance. Meanwhile, Man City had bought the Premiership title for a few hundred million quid.

And so to the Cowboy reply. Slow starts are not always bad, even chasing high totals. However, this one was. The usual Bolts and Justin duo was swiftly broken, leaving the skipper to bat very briefly with Mark W, who then chopped a slightly wide ball onto his off stump.

Your correspondent wasn't really ready to bat this early despite 8 months of waiting. After a steady but slow short partnership, the inevitable daft run out situation left one batman 5 yards short of his ground (humph) and one wincing at the debacle over his shoulder. A steady flow of wickets, Bolts for 34, Jonathon for 2 and Rob for 9, fell.

But amongst all this rather depressing news, a ray of light.

The flashing if unconventionally held blade of Omar Miakhill. 31 from 18 balls, mainly over a back-pedalling and surprised covers field gave the rest of us something to cheer sarcastically about. And cheer sarcastically we did until Omar's stumps were uprooted, whereupon we all lost heart and found solace in whatever alcohol we could blag off the guilty captain.

After some stout but obviously doomed resistance from Andy and Gretch, Martin and Dean were but lambs to the slaying stone.

The Cowboys had slumped to a moderately dreadful 109 a.o.

Still, it was a lovely day out from under one's partner's feet, a pint at the Plough was duly chugged upon.

MOM (Omar I think)/cider moment (Martin's yelling I believe) votes were cast amid the strains of old reggae and the stories from our similarly unsuccessful buddies from the Sunday seconds.

Roll on next week, unbridled success, and all the painful bruising both psychological and physical it will no doubt bring us.

Duncan Brewood - £10Bn - Allrounder

Points scored: 7

Comments: Was given the thankless task of bowling 3 overs at the death against two set batsmen so lost a few points on economy as we haven't found a way of including context in out fantasy cricket scoring system. Was looking solid with the bat until the aforementioned run out occurred.

Verdict: Unlucky

Just say "no!" Duncan

Jonse Leach - £8Bn - Allrounder

Points scored: 5

Comments: Complained about feeling the effects of a cold which might explain his lacklustre performance with bat and ball. Bowled 2 overs for 30 runs but picked up a wicket and avoided a duck to mitigate his score losses.

Verdict: Below par for a solid player, should improve if fully fit

Oh Jonse. I'd blame it on the unfair context if I were you.

Rob Taylor - £11Bn - Allrounder

Points scored: 86

Comments: Started off economically in his first 4 over spell, came back and took 3 wickets in 7 deliveries. After 6 overs his figures were 3 - 16... Unfortunately he bowled 2 overs at the death for 25 runs. Scored 9 runs, felt comfortable, lost his focus, got out. Picked up the MOM award largely for his middle spell.

Verdict: Dare I say promising?

Yeah, yeah, suck it up young'un. Another poor liddle victim of context; if you can't stand the heat... Could say; fed a one-shot hungry batsman at the death but he just plain took advantage & never even left a tip. Don't be deceived, over 1/3 of his points come from that dodgy MoM vote. RT2 is currently our leading cowboy in the runs conceded race; it's incredible (while we're filling in the context) what knocking over a pair of frightened children & a sweet smile will get you. Hey! did I say nasty things about your game? Insinuating corruption and colouring this match report with your own opinion, 7 people thought I was MoM, is that not good enough? I never said I was a victim of context, I didn't mean to imply the two overs at the end were unlucky (except the dropped catch that went for six, who was that again?) just that they ruined my figures. Also, considering the two "frightened children" were the same age as the guy who scored 93, who knows how good they were? All in all, I don't understand why you're being so mean. I'm picking on you because you're so weak & vulnerable & it makes me feel big. Why didn't you say nasty things about my game? There's no point in us being in denial when we get a sound thrashing like that; we will all have better days, but this time we are all responsible, & all this stuff about luck & fortune, it's a cop out. And don't use words like "unfortunately" if you don't mean to imply unlucky; & it's not just yourself, there are poor unlucky victims all over the place. If I've overstepped the boundaries of acceptable behaviour then I apologise, it all probably comes from frustrated personal ambitions, & maybe the power's gone to my head; it may be my cruel & warped perception, but it's supposed to be funny. I'm just playing a role here & I thought you were in on it. What I've written doesn't truly reflect all that I think & feel about people; it's an extreme perspective intended to provide entertainment value alongside whatever you write. There's supposed to be some humour in there, & a bit of parody & a bit of button pushing can be quite healthy in the long run. Or not. But it might at least be motivating. If you want to twist things towards a nurturing positive that's fine, but then I see it as my job to redress the balance of darkness. And lighten up; it's only because I love you. I am in on it, I was also playing what I perceived to be my role, sorry if I came across as genuinely offended. I feel like we're in a Mitchell and Webb sketch, I hope someone out there is laughing.

LOL! Thank fuck for that; you really had me going there! Let's never do this again...

Omar Miakhil - £9Bn - Bowler

Points scored: 83

Comments: Bowled tightly at good pace and picked up an early wicket. Batsmen had problems getting him away all game. Had no such problems himself with an entertaining 31 run cameo. Also took an important catch.

Verdict: After all the rumours he's here, he's playing and he's playing well.

Cameo? While he was in we were winning; that was our hope, all there. Excluding MoM points had the highest FCL score by far. Should have won MoM but a fantasist conspiracy fixed the vote

Andy Chester - £6Bn - Allrounder

Points scored: 38

Comments: No one could accuse Andy of picking up soft wickets, his 2 wickets were on 39 and 93 respectively and looking set though the reason the second was on 93 was partly because Andy dropped him 10 overs before. Scored 8 runs.

Verdict: Good return for the low price of £6Bn

Terrorised into a primaeval state of bowling genius by Martin's previous scream of yes, his were the most important wickets of their innings, but it'll be a while before he'll be able to speak again.

Gretch Eller - £8Bn - Keeper

Points scored: 37

Comments: Kept tidily and took a catch. Berated himself for missing a stumping and said he felt slow but his footwork was good so stumpings are likely to follow. Was not out at the end to pick up a nice bonus 10 points.

Verdict: Tidy keeping, ran out of partners with the bat.

And 37 is a tidy catch on a day like that.

Dean Carter - £7Bn - Bowler

Points scored: -9

Comments: Another victim of some enthusiastic batting, his first 2 balls went for 6s. Bowled 4 overs for 36 runs so lost a few points. Got off the mark before being castled 3 balls later.

Verdict: Not a great game for Dean

No. Indeed not. And a particularly shocking dismissal as far as dismissals go. But that context is contagious, & just so hard for bowlers.

Martin Stratton - £8Bn - Bowler

Points scored: -8

Comments: Had a similar game to Mark Wilkinson, bowled 6 overs for no wickets, was unlucky to have a catch dropped after deceiving the batsman with a slower ball. Lost 15 points for getting a duck.

Verdict: On another day it could have been so different

Cyder moment was for his "previous scream of Yes!"; unlucky would imply the previous scream of yes in fact had no influence on the physical equilibrium of the severely traumatised & partially deafened Andy C whilst trying to recover a catch in the balance. If the game hinged on a single ironic moment, this was it.