To me, a fear disorder is an undesirable modification in the brain, predominantly lifelong, that acts as a barrier to self-defense caused by external factors no matter the duration, intensity, or amount. The undesirable modification in the brain dictates that the response to a perceived threat is a security breach and, in the name of self-preservation, it takes over operational processes where judgment is based on instinct. Essentially, the unafraid version gets overruled by the afraid version for as long as the perceived threat exists.
Though on the outside, I'm a very confident person and I enjoy being confident. On the inside, I definitely have some fears that are haunting me. The problem is that people confuse fear with a lack of motivation in my situation, which makes it all the more confusing. My fears are really crippling my quality of life.
This fear may seem peculiar, but it is genuinely distressing to me. The incident at Pro Persona, where I was attacked by guards and ended up having to defend myself against three of them simultaneously, despite being invited there, deeply shook me to my core. It felt like a trap and an ambush rolled into one, and it left a lasting impact on me. As a result, I have developed a profound mistrust towards any building or individuals within it where the presence of multiple guards is plausible. I exercise my own judgment in such situations, insisting that all parties either remain outside on the neutral ground or walk away from any dealings altogether.
The experience of rejection is deeply unsettling to me, as it feels like a door being forcefully closed, blocking my path to personal growth and fulfillment. In order to avoid this, I find myself going to great lengths to seek approval and acceptance, particularly from the individuals I interact with on a daily basis. This behavior sometimes extends to purchasing snacks or offering small gestures as a sort of "bribe," or even devising elaborate plans to secure a favorable impression. However, this excessive pursuit of validation ends up draining my financial resources, energy, and time to an unsustainable extent.
Fear has a profound impact on my overall quality of life, significantly impairing my ability to adapt and be flexible in various situations. This lack of flexibility often leads to conflicts and difficulties in my relationships with others, causing them to distance themselves from me. If I do not address and overcome my fears, this pattern of isolation and rejection may continue, resulting in a deepening sense of bitterness and the construction of emotional barriers that hinder any possibility of reconciliation. It is crucial for me to find ways to address and manage my fears in order to maintain meaningful connections with humanity and foster healthier relationships.