These thoughts require no explanation. They pertain to a desire to no longer exist on this planet. To clarify, we only discuss the thoughts, not the actual actions, which would be the next step.
For me, it stems from a lack of a strong future perspective. The more I strive to build something meaningful in my life, the more setbacks I encounter. It seems as though life is actively working against individuals reaching their full potential.
In addition to being overwhelmed by numerous challenges, this constant struggle has taken a toll on my health, leading to chronic issues. What exacerbates the situation is the lack of support I have received, as I have described in my other difficulties. It has led me to believe that humanity has given up on me, which prompts the question, 'What is the purpose of continuing?
Attempt
I want to be candid. I made an attempt when I was 15 due to the presence of my abusive ex-stepfather, named Rob. He not only mistreated me but also subjected my mother to various forms of abuse, and I felt helpless in protecting her. The situation became unbearable for me.
At that time, I found myself standing near a window, while Rob stood in the doorway after I failed to close and block it in time. I shouted that I would jump headfirst. Instead of diffusing the situation, he escalated it further by goading me to jump, saying, 'Go on then! Jump!' He even moved to shut the door and position himself against it to witness my fall. Feeling trapped and unwilling to back down, I jumped.
By some stroke of luck, my leg became lodged in the window, preventing me from carrying out the act. I remained hanging outside the window for a minute or two before managing to pull myself back in, only to find that he had left.
I don't believe there is a specific problem that directly causes my suicidal thoughts. Instead, I think it's the opposite: these thoughts are a result of the accumulation of my other challenges. This doesn't imply that there are no problems; it's just that I may not be currently aware of one, or I haven't found the right words yet to describe the underlying issue.
I believe that my desire to die is closely tied to my outlook on the future. As a result, I think these thoughts will diminish when my suffering is considerably reduced and the negative consequences of my challenges are addressed or managed effectively.
I do hold the belief that this can be achieved with the guidance of someone I can trust, who can support me consistently and assist me on a daily basis.