Autism

I experience difficulties with subconscious filtering, and when I consciously attempt to filter stimuli, it exhausts my mental energy rapidly, often within a few minutes. This heightened sensitivity is akin to what highly sensitive people may experience. It's as if the volume knob for sensory input is set at 3/10, but when it reaches my ears, it feels like 9/10. There is no automatic dampening or attenuation.

As a result, I struggle to tolerate loud environments for extended periods without the use of noise-canceling headphones. Additionally, it is important to note that shouting or yelling in my face is particularly distressing and should be avoided.

The inability to process incoming information in real-time presents a significant challenge, as society operates under the assumption of simultaneous processing of information, listening, and acting upon it. Unfortunately, I have discovered that my delay in processing information can range from 2 to 96 hours (4 days). This delay makes it difficult for me to keep up with the pace of society, often leaving me lagging behind in staying updated with current facts and information.

Conversations, in particular, quickly drain my energy due to the effort required to process and respond to the information in a timely manner. Additionally, this processing delay limits my options for employment, as many jobs require the ability to work efficiently with deadlines and perform under stressful conditions, which I struggle with.

These challenges stemming from delayed information processing pose significant barriers in various aspects of my life, impacting my social interactions, professional opportunities, and ability to meet societal expectations.

This aspect relates to the heightened sensitivity and attunement of my impressions. My senses are so hyper-tuned that I don't require any external amplification, and I perceive many details and sensations with intense clarity, to the point where they can overwhelm me completely.

For instance, I have a strong aversion to sensations like itchiness and tickling (my girlfriend always wins in a tickle fight), as well as to loud sounds, bright flashes, and, to a lesser extent, certain smells. While these may seem harmless to others, in a bustling city environment, for instance, one can be bombarded with approximately 500,000 impressions per hour. With hyper-tuned senses, this becomes a significant challenge and a potential liability.

As a result, I am constantly forced to make difficult choices in how I allocate my energy, and spontaneity is often out of the question as it can lead me to exceed my limits, which I will inevitably regret later in the evening. This lack of flexibility has a profound impact on my daily life and can sometimes lead to conflicts with others, who may accuse me of being inflexible without understanding the underlying challenges I face.

Indeed, considering the previous topics, it's no surprise that my mental energy is consistently depleted on a daily basis. With the simultaneous challenges of hyper-sensitivity, broken filters, and delayed processing, it becomes a battle of attrition each day.

However, what if there were reinforcements? What if there were ways to recoup and replenish my mental energy? Unfortunately, I currently lack a solution for that. As a result, I often find myself feeling fatigued, sometimes as early as after lunch, and typically either before or after dinner. Admitting this exhaustion can disrupt my day-night cycle, but attempting to fight against it requires mental energy I often lack. If I push myself too hard, my body responds with narcoleptic episodes, effectively shutting down to recharge.

The absence of effective strategies to replenish my mental energy presents ongoing challenges and limits my ability to sustain energy levels throughout the day.

Most people have access to quick and inexpensive ways to de-stress. They can cook dinner, watch a Netflix episode, play a video game, or even have an occasional (though unhealthy) cigarette. However, these typical de-stress methods do not work for me. In fact, I struggle to de-stress easily at all. Due to the extended time it takes me to conserve my mental energy, compared to my peers, what might take others 5-10 minutes can take me a minimum of 60-90 minutes.

There is one de-stress solution that does have some effectiveness for me, but unfortunately, it is unaffordable as it is not covered or compensated for by health insurance. This solution is a full-body massage. However, in order to experience its benefits, I would require it on a daily basis, which is simply not feasible for me.

The lack of accessible and effective de-stress methods further compounds the challenges I face in managing and replenishing my mental energy.

95% of all the questions we ask ourselves daily can be categorized in either the how or what category. They are the so-called safe questions.

On the contrary, we understand why questions are in the category of the so-called unsafe questions. 

Society heavily emphasizes the ability to provide fluent and confident responses to common and safe questions. Anything less than fluency is often seen as an impairment. This is why in courtrooms, for example, lawyers frequently focus on asking "why" questions, as most people struggle to answer them effectively.

However, here's where the situation becomes challenging for me: it's the complete opposite. I am fluent in answering "why" questions, but I struggle when it comes to "how" and "what" types of questions. This discrepancy leads to daily miscommunication and an inability to express myself clearly enough to others. As a result, it often leads to misunderstandings, conflicts, and a lack of support, as humans are less inclined to help those they don't fully understand.

This difficulty in navigating different question types and expressing myself effectively adds an extra layer of complexity to my interactions and interactions with others.

In relation to my previous point, I perceive the world as fragmented, with life appearing to me as puzzle pieces that I must piece together. This process is not only mentally exhausting (draining my mental energy), but it also leads to different outcomes than most other individuals due to the neurological rewiring I experience.

When I am unable to receive external assistance in piecing together these fragments, I become stuck with incomplete information for extended periods, often lasting days. I refer to this state as being 'stuck,' and it fills my mind, rendering me unable to absorb new or additional information. In this state, there needs to be output first before I can process new input again. Unfortunately, society is not designed to accommodate this process, leading to daily overloading of my mental resources.

The mismatch between the way I process information and the expectations of societal functioning creates ongoing challenges and contributes to my daily struggles with overload.