Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Essentially your body or mind will do unwanted things (thoughts, reactions, behavior) if triggered by a response that remembers them of the situation that caused the trauma. It's a well-documented disorder that seems to be treatable.
My PTSD is challenging because it is infused with some elements that could be part of autism as well. It's therefore not always as clear-cut when it's autism and when it's PTSD. However, I do experience that autism fuels PTSD and PTSD fuels my autism. They are each other's fuel and fire at the same time, creating an endless downward spiral.
Without going too much in-depth (since it will trigger me even as I am writing), they are concerned about:
My entire time between 10 and 21 years old (including domestic violence, inability to protect my mother, juvenile prison due to having autism)
Failing social workers between 13 and 28 years old (especially my time at Woonzorgnet was particularly bad)
My homelessness from 01-08-2019 to 01-03-2020 (caused by Woonzorgnet & the Municipality of Arnhem)
What makes things worse is that my PTSD is so incredibly complex that there is barely any expertise available in the Netherlands. Plus, waiting lists of more than a year do not make things any better.
I suffer greatly due to my PTSD, which significantly impairs my daily functioning. When I encounter specific triggers such as certain questions, emotions, or situations, I am compelled to relive past traumatic experiences with the same intensity as when they initially occurred. This re-experiencing does not diminish over time; on the contrary, if left unaddressed, it tends to amplify my reaction. In such cases, I feel like a ticking timebomb, where my emotional response becomes increasingly challenging to manage.
When I am confronted with particular questions, emotions, or situations that trigger my PTSD, I find myself reliving those experiences with the same intensity as when they initially occurred. The distressing memories and emotions do not diminish over time; instead, they seem to intensify. This mounting intensity can reach a breaking point, causing significant emotional turmoil.
The impact of my PTSD extends beyond the re-experiencing of traumatic events. It also affects my ability to concentrate and accomplish tasks. I struggle with maintaining focus and productivity, which hinders my capacity to engage in activities like studying.
As a result of being confronted with my PTSD, I find that it has a profound impact on my mental energy. It can be an exhausting experience that drains me both emotionally and mentally. The weight of the pain and distress associated with my PTSD can consume a significant amount of my energy, leaving me feeling depleted and overwhelmed.
Some topics provoke such intense rage within me that aggression feels like the only outlet. I strive to express my anger verbally, but I am uncertain how long I can sustain this before it escalates into physical violence. In my mind, when I experience flashbacks, vivid and gruesome scenarios of harming others play out, and I battle against the impulse to act on them, as they would result in harm or even death.
It is important to note that these thoughts primarily target individuals I perceive as responsible for their actions. While I may believe they deserve consequences, I recognize the destructive effects of acting upon these violent urges. I strongly prefer to avoid such a bloody outcome if I can find a way to be acknowledged and if those responsible are appropriately held accountable for their actions.
Because I can't control my reaction to triggers, I try to control the input of triggers. This is outright banning some topics as I can't deal with them. To give a few examples:
Questions like: 'How are you?' & 'What do you do for a living?'
Talking about my trauma
Untraceable communication (conversations or phone calls)
When people do try to cross this line deliberately, they are met with serious verbal aggression. When they unconsciously cross this line, I take it to the chin, but this will cost me all my mental energy for the day in an instance.
To cope with my PTSD, I operate on the policy of "first proof, then talk". This means that everybody is a liar until proven to me otherwise.
I dare to give neutral people that do not belong to certain groups on my blacklist a more neutral stance, but trust lost is never trust regained.
But this makes me people that are on my blacklist, but I have to communicate with an exceptionally difficult person to communicate with. It has to go my way precisely or people can fuck off immediately.
I would group these two into one because they are a mix yet both disturb my sleeping pattern heavily. I have at least one nightmare per week and about twice per week I am unable to sleep easily due to PTSD thoughts.
This causes my sleep to be impaired about 3 times per week.
I go through life with a lot of feelings of shame and guilt. The guilt part is mostly for my outbursts of aggression towards others, especially those dearest to me.
The feelings of shame are about my inability to fix my own problems, especially because professional help is inaccessibly behind prohibitive laws and volunteers do not have the motivation, expertise, capacity, or time to help me sufficiently.
I am left to my own devices, and that gives me a lot of feelings of shame. For a young man, being so crippled without it being visible is a very surreal existence.
The place where I lived at Woonzorgnet as well as the immediate surroundings always give me anxiety that I feel very uncomfortable. This is increased when I come across people from that place that I have strained contact with.
Since I need to cross the place sometimes (a major bike line goes right past it), I tend to cycle as hard as I can, a cap on, headphones on to block all incoming signals.
In regards to avoiding activities, I do not walk alone outside for the purpose of just walking. Then I feel alone and abandoned and that makes me cry very hard, which makes me noticeable to other people.
In my mind, I get frequently bombarded with negative thoughts and, in response, feelings. One of the most recent ones is that I found out the girl across from where I lived in Woonzorgnet and had a massive crush on turned out to be a pornstar!
Not limited to this, I also often get negative thoughts just suddenly when there is not necessarily an immediate external input causing them. My mind just wanders off and then hits an obstacle that hasn't been tackled, so I crash and get bombarded with negative thoughts.
My PTSD ruined an already fragile ecosystem. It feels like another kick to the head when I am already down on the floor and it does not help that the perpetrators are running out there unpunished. That I do not get any professional help makes it all the more difficult and a vicious circle I will not get out of alone.