How I Feel

Thoughts on how you make me feel, and how I feel about myself, and how I feel about my life. This is important to me as a person. We only have so much time in our lives. Do we really want to spend our precious time fighting with each other? Could we be with other more compatiable partners?

Chapter 7

Original from January 2022
updated for v6.0002 11/14/22 1804
v6.04444 11/15/22 0925

7) How You Make Me Feel - Worthless, Useless, Should Be In Jail

I honestly have a hard time thinking of anything about me that you really like or love or value or really respect or really appreciate or enjoy about me or look forward to about me Sheila.

It feels like because you have seen me lose at life towards the beginning of our relationship, now you will always see me as that loser.

You really do make a lousy partner to me in that way.

I really honestly wanted to grow old with you.

I can't really see that happening now.

I saw a life with you filled with passionate love and support for each other.

Now I feel as if my soul is rotten and sad.

You really make me feel like an awful person.

The exact opposite of what I want and what I am looking for.

You make me feel worthless.

You make me feel like you would have been much better off without me, and much better off if you had never met me.

I feel like trusting you, and marrying you was the biggest mistake I have ever made.

I feel like I am going to die alone.

I feel alone all the time in this marriage with you.

Words of Love

Sheila, you even refuse to playfully call me commander...

In this letter I am trying to express all of my unresolved feelings about you and our family and our marriage and our life together.

I feel like there could be a resolution to almost all of the issues I address in this letter.

If you are willing to make some compromises.

If you are not willing to make some compromises,

I feel like it would be best for us to move on.

We only have so much time left in our lives.

This is my last attempt to fix our marriage.

This is me stepping up and being the man you want me to be, but then you also have to be the woman I want you to be.

Sheila, I feel like you are on the verge of losing me....

7.2)

Who can I really trust?

In February, I had a massive PTSD distress attack last time I was at my primary care VA doctor's appointment because I was given the VA Advance Directive and Living Will paperwork.

I became overwhelmed and I cried thinking that I have NO ONE IN THE WORLD THAT I TRUST!

I invested my whole life into my wife and family. Yet I have NO ONE I trust.

I have no one who knows me well and who is familiar with my values and beliefs…

7.3)

What Sheila IS:

She is Overloaded with work at HOC.

Close-minded,

not able to see new evidence and change POV.

very quick to anger, that You always justify and believe is righteous anger.

Disrespectful to me as a veteran.

Trauma survivor of childhood abuse from clueless mom, cruel stepdad, absent father, and abusive ex-husband.

Traumatized by the sexual abuse of her old children.

Sheila IS NOT:

Compassionate, Intellectually Curious. open to new experiences, creative beyond cookies and cooking, gracious to me and my disabilities and kind hearted to my struggles.

Understanding of my PTSD, compassionate about my flaws.

sympathetic to my troubles.

Punctual and on time. Physically attractive to me right now at this point (that did change).

That could change.

I want that to change.

You are not Able to learn new points of view and You are not patient with me about my neurotic neurosis.

And You are not quiet. You blame the screaming level volume on being Puerto Rican.

7.4) How Sheila Feels About Me

I really believe in my heart, and thus partially the fuel for my depression and lack of confidence, is that;

because I am not above reproach, therefore I'm not able to lead.

You like to say often that my content is good, but the approach is bad.

Even while the content may be good it's still completely forgettable, and not important enough to follow through on.

Sometimes I ask the kids or Sheila to do something 10 times, and then on the 11th time, I might get angry.

So maybe my approach might be flawed but what about that content?

How I Feel

Chapter 7

Next - Chapter 8: Moving Forward