Trust Loss

Trust is the indispensable ingredient in maintaining a healthy marriage. Full unadulterated trust fosters a healthy self image and self esteem. You do not have my full trust. This chapter seeks to explore why that is, and what we can do to fix it, if fixing it is possible.

Chapter 5

Original from January 2022
updated for v6.0002 11/14/22 1804

Proverbs 31:11-12 (Amplified Bible)

11 The heart of her husband trusts in her [with secure confidence], And he will have no lack of gain.

12 She comforts, encourages, and does him only good and not evil, All the days of her life.

5) TRUST Loss - There IS No Trust Between Us

“Trust is an indispensable ingredient in building and maintaining a healthy marriage. Trusting one another is one of the most important elements of our relationship and a crucial element of any lifetime commitment. Without trust, the quality of your relationship will deteriorate.” - a random quote about trust

You don’t trust me.

I don’t trust you.

I do not trust the girls.

They do not trust or respect me.

There is no trust going around this family even after 6 years... (update; 8.5 years now)

I feel like there is a major trust problem here between us.

A few things I am having a hard time letting go…

I feel tremendous resentment about the fact you had me arrested and sent to jail twice. (update; that's 3 times now plus 25 days involuntary rehab)

I can’t begin to tell you how deeply troubling this has been for me.

I now have a public criminal record now of domestic violence that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

All job, visa, gun and adoption background checks will find it. I feel like you have no remorse.

You say that I deserved it.

You say that I did it to myself.

You still have never really apologized.

I believe that you will do it again if it suits you.

I trusted you by telling you some of my biggest fears.

One of them is jail or being captured. Perhaps it's a part of a PTSD issue about being imprisoned.

I know that You will have me arrested again at some point if I stay with you. (and it happened again 9/19/22, and lead to 25 days of tx)

My Fears

That is hugely scary and worrisome to me.

I need to have the confidence in you that you will always do everything in your power to never let me be imprisoned.

You were laughing with the cops as I was in the back of the police car!

I need to have the confidence that you will never call the cops on me.

Are you on my side?

You intimidate me, even if I am responsible for instigating a fight by waking up grumpy, your reactionary screaming triggers my fight or flight response and it only escalates from there.

Yelling and screaming triggers me into hypervigilance and I enter either war mode or retreat mode.

Triggering me by screaming at me is hurtful enough but then you start throwing all of my personal insecurities,

deep personal things I told you in trust and confidence, betraying me each time, and embarrassing me in front of the girls.

The girls do not need to know my personal deepest weaknesses that I revealed to my wife in private when we are fighting.

I find that to be permanently hurtful to my self-esteem, reputation, ego and self-worth.

This further escalates the fight.

And then You start videotaping me. This is hugely disrespectful.

You do not videotape any of my good moments.

Like when I write you a song and sing to you that new song on my guitar.

Even when I prepare a specific song to serenade you with.

You don’t care about How much time and effort I put into practicing and playing guitar.

You just tell me I have too much time on my hands.

You do not videotape those good moments.

You only videotape me when we are fighting. I find it humiliating and degrading.

You don't videotape the good You only record the bad to use it to incriminate me perhaps some way in the future.

♥➯ How to Rebuild Trust

Sheila, you need to decide to forgive or to be forgiven. Make a conscious decision to love by trying to let go of the past.
(forgive my family)
Be open to self-growth and improvement. You can't repair broken trust with just promises and statements of forgiveness.
(Let me be the leader, I know what I am doing. Sheila, you have to trust me. STOP Videotaping me when I ask!)
We both need to be aware of our innermost feelings and share our thoughts.
(that is one specific purpose of this letter)
We have to Want it to work.
(I WANT it to work, I am willing)

Next - Chapter 6: Respect Loss

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